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                                             1.  First Sight 



This was the time of day when I wished I were able to sleep. 



         High school. 



         Or was purgatory the right word?  If there was any way to atone for my sins, this 



ought to count toward the tally in some measure.  The tedium was not something I grew 



used to; every day seemed more impossibly monotonous than the last. 



         I suppose this was my form of sleepif sleep was defined as the inert state 



between active periods. 



         I stared at the cracks running through the plaster in the far corner of the cafeteria, 



imagining patterns into them that were not there.  It was one way to tune out the voices 



that babbled like the gush of a river inside my head. 



         Several hundred of these voices I ignored out of boredom. 



         When it came to the human mind, Id heard it all before and then some.  Today, 



all thoughts were consumed with the trivial drama of a new addition to the small student 



body here.  It took so little to work them all up.  Id seen the new face repeated in thought 



after thought from every angle.  Just an ordinary human girl.  The excitement over her 



arrival was tiresomely predictablelike flashing a shiny object at a child.  Half the 



sheep-like males were already imagining themselves in love with her, just because she 



was something new to look at.  I tried harder to tune them out. 



         Only four voices did I block out of courtesy rather than distaste: my family, my 



two brothers and two sisters, who were so used to the lack of privacy in my presence that 



they rarely gave it a thought.  I gave them what privacy I could.  I tried not to listen if I 



could help it. 



         Try as I may, stillI knew. 



         Rosalie was thinking, as usual, about herself.  Shed caught sight of her profile in 



the reflection off someones glasses, and she was mulling over her own perfection. 



Rosalies mind was a shallow pool with few surprises. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         Emmett was fuming over a wrestling match hed lost to Jasper during the night.  It 



would take all his limited patience to make it to the end of the school day to orchestrate a 



rematch.  I never really felt intrusive hearing Emmetts thoughts, because he never 



thought one thing that he would not say aloud or put into action.  Perhaps I only felt 



guilty reading the others minds because I knew there were things there that they 



wouldnt want me to know.  If Rosalies mind was a shallow pool, then Emmetts was a 



lake with no shadows, glass clear. 



         And Jasper wassuffering.  I suppressed a sigh. 



         Edward.  Alice called my name in her head, and had my attention at once. 



         It was just the same as having my name called aloud.  I was glad my given name 



had fallen out of style latelyit had been annoying; anytime anyone thought of any 



Edward, my head would turn automatically 



         My head didnt turn now.  Alice and I were good at these private conversations. 



It was rare that anyone caught us.       I kept my eyes on the lines in the plaster. 



         How is he holding up? she asked me. 



         I frowned, just a small change in the set of my mouth.  Nothing that would tip the 



others off.  I could easily be frowning out of boredom. 



         Alices mental tone was alarmed now, and I saw in her mind that she was 



watching Jasper in her peripheral vision.  Is there any danger?            She searched ahead, into 



the immediate future, skimming through visions of monotony for the source behind my 



frown. 



         I turned my head slowly to the left, as if looking at the bricks of the wall, sighed, 



and then to the right, back to the cracks in the ceiling.  Only Alice knew I was shaking 



my head. 



         She relaxed.  Let me know if it gets too bad. 



         I moved only my eyes, up to the ceiling above, and back down. 



         Thanks for doing this. 



         I was glad I couldnt answer her aloud.  What would I say?  My pleasure?  It 



was hardly that.  I didnt enjoy listening to Jaspers struggles.  Was it really necessary to 



experiment like this?  Wouldnt the safer path be to just admit that he might never be able 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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to handle the thirst the way the rest of us could, and not push his limits?  Why flirt with 



disaster? 



         It had been two weeks since our last hunting trip.  That was not an immensely 



difficult time span for the rest of us.  A little uncomfortable occasionallyif a human 



walked too close, if the wind blew the wrong way.  But humans rarely walked too close. 



Their instincts told them what their conscious minds would never understand: we were 



dangerous. 



         Jasper was very dangerous right now. 



         At that moment, a small girl paused at the end of the closest table to ours, 



stopping to talk to a friend.  She tossed her short, sandy hair, running her fingers through 



it.  The heaters blew her scent in our direction.  I was used to the way that scent made me 



feelthe dry ache in my throat, the hollow yearn in my stomach, the automatic 



tightening of my muscles, the excess flow of venom in my mouth 



         This was all quite normal, usually easy to ignore.  It was harder just now, with the 



feelings stronger, doubled, as I monitored Jaspers reaction.  Twin thirsts, rather than just 



mine. 



         Jasper was letting his imagination get away from him.  He was picturing it 



picturing himself getting up from his seat next to Alice and going to stand beside the little 



girl.  Thinking of leaning down and in, as if he were going to whisper in her ear, and 



letting his lips touch the arch of her throat.  Imagining how the hot flow of her pulse 



beneath the fine skin would feel under his mouth 



         I kicked his chair. 



         He met my gaze for a minute, and then looked down.  I could hear shame and 



rebellion war in his head. 



         Sorry, Jasper muttered. 



         I shrugged. 



         You werent going to do anything, Alice murmured to him, soothing his 



chagrin.  I could see that. 



         I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away.  We had to stick together, 



Alice and I.  It wasnt easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future.  Both freaks 



among those who were already freaks.  We protected each others secrets. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         It helps a little if you think of them as people, Alice suggested, her high, 



musical voice too fast for human ears to understand, if any had been close enough to 



hear.  Her name is Whitney.  She has a baby sister she adores.  Her mother invited Esme 



to that garden party, do you remember? 



         I know who she is, Jasper said curtly.  He turned away to stare out one of the 



small windows that were spaced just under the eaves around the long room.  His tone 



ended the conversation. 



         He would have to hunt tonight. It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying to 



test his strength, to build his endurance.  Jasper should just accept his limitations and 



work within them.  His former habits were not conducive to our chosen lifestyle; he 



shouldnt push himself in this way. 



         Alice sighed silently and stood, taking her tray of foodher prop, as it were 



with her and leaving him alone.  She knew when hed had enough of her encouragement. 



Though Rosalie and Emmett were more flagrant about their relationship, it was Alice and 



Jasper who knew each others every mood as well as their own.  As if they could read 



minds, tooonly just each others. 



         Edward Cullen. 



         Reflex reaction.  I turned to the sound of my name being called, though it wasnt 



being called, just thought. 



         My eyes locked for a small portion of a second with a pair of wide, chocolate- 



brown human eyes set in a pale, heart-shaped face.  I knew the face, though Id never 



seen it myself before this moment.  It had been foremost in every human head today.  The 



new student, Isabella Swan.  Daughter of the towns chief of police, brought to live here 



by some new custody situation.  Bella.  Shed corrected everyone whod used her full 



name 



         I looked away, bored.  It took me a second to realize that she had not been the one 



to think my name. 



         Of course shes already crushing on the Cullens, I heard the first thought 



continue. 



         Now I recognized the voice.  Jessica Stanleyit had been a while since shed 



bothered me with her internal chatter.  What a relief it had been when shed gotten over 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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her misplaced infatuation.  It used to be nearly impossible to escape her constant, 



ridiculous daydreams.  Id wished, at the time, that I could explain to her exactly what 



would have happened if my lips, and the teeth behind them, had gotten anywhere near 



her.  That would have silenced those annoying fantasies.  The thought of her reaction 



almost made me smile. 



         Fat lot of good it will do her, Jessica went on.       Shes really not even pretty.  I 



dont know why Eric is staring so muchor Mike. 



         She winced mentally on the last name.  Her new infatuation, the generically 



popular Mike Newton, was completely oblivious to her.  Apparently, he was not as 



oblivious to the new girl.  Like the child with the shiny object again.  This put a mean 



edge to Jessicas thoughts, though she was outwardly cordial to the newcomer as she 



explained to her the commonly held knowledge about my family.  The new student must 



have asked about us. 



         Everyones looking at me today, too, Jessica thought smugly in an aside.  Isnt it 



lucky Bella had two classes with meIll bet Mike will want to ask me what shes 



         I tried to block the inane chatter out of my head before the petty and the trivial 



could drive me mad. 



         Jessica Stanley is giving the new Swan girl all the dirty laundry on the Cullen 



clan, I murmured to Emmett as a distraction. 



         He chuckled under his breath.  I hope shes making it good, he thought. 



         Rather unimaginative, actually.  Just the barest hint of scandal.  Not an ounce of 



horror.  Im a little disappointed. 



         And the new girl?  Is she disappointed in the gossip as well? 



         I listened to hear what this new girl, Bella, thought of Jessicas story.  What did 



she see when she looked at the strange, chalky-skinned family that was universally 



avoided? 



         It was sort of my responsibility to know her reaction.  I acted as a lookout, for 



lack of a better word, for my family.  To protect us.  If anyone ever grew suspicious, I 



could give us early warning and an easy retreat.  It happened occasionallysome human 



with an active imagination would see in us the characters of a book or a movie.  Usually 



they got it wrong, but it was better to move on somewhere new than to risk scrutiny. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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Very, very rarely, someone would guess right.  We didnt give them a chance to test their 



hypothesis.  We simply disappeared, to become no more than a frightening memory 



         I heard nothing, though I listened close beside where Jessicas frivolous internal 



monologue continued to gush.  It was as if there was no one sitting beside her.  How 



peculiar, had the girl moved?  That didnt seem likely, as Jessica was still babbling to her. 



I looked up to check, feeling off-balance.  Checking on what my extra hearing could tell 



meit wasnt something I ever had to do. 



         Again, my gaze locked on those same wide brown eyes.  She was sitting right 



where she had been before, and looking at us, a natural thing to be doing, I supposed, as 



Jessica was still regaling her with the local gossip about the Cullens. 



         Thinking about us, too, would be natural. 



         But I couldnt hear a whisper. 



         Inviting warm red stained her cheeks as she looked down, away from the 



embarrassing gaffe of getting caught staring at a stranger.  It was good that Jasper was 



still gazing out the window.  I didnt like to imagine what that easy pooling of blood 



would do to his control. 



         The emotions had been as clear on her face as if they were spelled out in words 



across her forehead: surprise, as she unknowingly absorbed the signs of the subtle 



differences between her kind and mine, curiosity, as she listened to Jessicas tale, and 



something morefascination?  It wouldnt be the first time.  We were beautiful to them, 



our intended prey.  Then, finally, embarrassment as I caught her staring at me. 



         And yet, though her thoughts had been so clear in her odd eyesodd, because of 



the depth to them; brown eyes often seemed flat in their darknessI could hear nothing 



but silence from the place she was sitting.  Nothing at all. 



         I felt a moment of unease. 



         This was nothing Id ever encountered before.  Was there something wrong with 



me?  I felt exactly the same as I always did.  Worried, I listened harder. 



         All the voices Id been blocking were suddenly shouting in my head. 



         wonder what music she likesmaybe I could mention that new CD Mike 



Newton was thinking, two tables awayfixated on Bella Swan. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         Look at him staring at her.      Isnt it enough that he has half the girls in school 



waiting for him to Eric Yorkie was thinking sulfurous thoughts, also revolving around 



the girl. 



         so disgusting.  Youd think she was famous or something Even Edward 



Cullen, staring      Lauren Mallory was so jealous that her face, by all rights, should be 



dark jade in color.  And Jessica, flaunting her new best friend.  What a joke Vitriol 



continued to spew from the girls thoughts. 



         I bet everyone has asked her that.  But Id like to talk to her.  Ill think of a 



more original question Ashley Dowling mused. 



         maybe shell be in my Spanish June Richardson hoped. 



         tons left to do tonight!  Trig, and the English test.  I hope my mom  Angela 



Weber, a quiet girl, whose thoughts were unusually kind, was the only one at the table 



who wasnt obsessed with this Bella. 



         I could hear them all, hear every insignificant thing they were thinking as it 



passed through their minds.  But nothing at all from the new student with the deceptively 



communicative eyes. 



         And, of course, I could hear what the girl said when she spoke to Jessica.  I didnt 



have to read minds to be able to hear her low, clear voice on the far side of the long room. 



         Which one is the boy with the reddish brown hair? I heard her ask, sneaking a 



look at me from the corner of her eye, only to look quickly away when she saw that I was 



still staring. 



         If Id had time to hope that hearing the sound of her voice would help me pinpoint 



the tone of her thoughts, lost somewhere where I couldnt access them, I was instantly 



disappointed.  Usually, peoples thoughts came to them in a similar pitch as their physical 



voices.  But this quiet, shy voice was unfamiliar, not one of the hundreds of thoughts 



bouncing around the room, I was sure of that.  Entirely new. 



         Oh, good luck, idiot!   Jessica thought before answering the girls question. 



Thats Edward.  Hes gorgeous, of course, but dont waste your time.  He doesnt date. 



Apparently none of the girls here are good-looking enough for him.  She sniffed. 



         I turned my head away to hide my smile.  Jessica and her classmates had no idea 



how lucky they were that none of them particularly appealed to me. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         Beneath the transient humor, I felt a strange impulse, one I did not clearly 



understand.  It had something to do with the vicious edge to Jessicas thoughts that the 



new girl was unaware of  I felt the strangest urge to step in between them, to shield this 



Bella Swan from the darker workings of Jessicas mind.  What an odd thing to feel. 



Trying to ferret out the motivations behind the impulse, I examined the new girl one more 



time. 



         Perhaps it was just some long buried protective instinctthe strong for the weak. 



This girl looked more fragile than her new classmates.  Her skin was so translucent it was 



hard to believe it offered her much defense from the outside world.  I could see the 



rhythmic pulse of blood through her veins under the clear, pale membrane  But I 



should not concentrate on that.  I was good at this life Id chosen, but I was just as thirsty 



as Jasper and there was no point in inviting temptation. 



         There was a faint crease between her eyebrows that she seemed unaware of. 



         It was unbelievable frustrating!  I could clearly see that it was a strain for her to 



sit there, to make conversation with strangers, to be the center of attention.  I could sense 



her shyness from the way she held her frail-looking shoulders, slightly hunched, as if she 



was expecting a rebuff at any moment.  And yet I could only sense, could only see, could 



only imagine.  There was nothing but silence from the very unexceptional human girl.  I 



could hear nothing.  Why? 



         Shall we? Rosalie murmured, interrupting my focus. 



         I looked away from the girl with a sense of relief.  I didnt want to continue to fail 



at thisit irritated me.  And I didnt want to develop any interest in her hidden thoughts 



simply because they were hidden from me.  No doubt, when I did decipher her 



thoughtsand I would find a way to do sothey would be just as petty and trivial as any 



humans thoughts.  Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them. 



         So, is the new one afraid of us yet? Emmett asked, still waiting for my response 



to his question before. 



         I shrugged.  He wasnt interested enough to press for a more information.  Nor 



should I be interested. 



         We got up from the table and walked out of the cafeteria. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper were pretending to be seniors; they left for their 



classes.  I was playing a younger role than they.  I headed off for my junior level biology 



class, preparing my mind for the tedium.  It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more 



than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would 



surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine. 



         In the classroom, I settled into my chair and let my booksprops, again; they 



held nothing I didnt already knowspill across the table.  I was the only student who 



had a table to himself.  The humans werent smart enough to know that they feared me, 



but their survival instincts were enough to keep them away. 



         The room slowly filled as they trickled in from lunch.  I leaned back in my chair 



and waited for the time to pass.  Again, I wished I was able to sleep. 



         Because Id been thinking about her, when Angela Weber escorted the new girl 



through the door, her name intruded on my attention. 



         Bella seems just as shy as me.  Ill bet today is really hard for her.  I wish I could 



say somethingbut it would probably just sound stupid 



         Yes!  Mike Newton thought, turning in his seat to watch the girls enter. 



         Still, from the place where Bella Swan stood, nothing.  The empty space where 



her thoughts should be irritated and unnerved me. 



         She came closer, walking down the aisle beside me to get to the teachers desk. 



Poor girl; the seat next to me was the only one available.  Automatically, I cleared what 



would be her side of the desk, shoving my books into a pile.  I doubted she would feel 



very comfortable there.  She was in for a long semesterin this class, at least.  Perhaps, 



though, sitting beside her, Id be able to flush out her secretsnot that Id ever needed 



close proximity beforenot that I would find anything worth listening to 



         Bella Swan walked into the flow of the heated air that blew toward me from the 



vent. 



         Her scent hit me like wrecking ball, like a battering ram.  There was no image 



violent enough to encapsulate the force of what happened to me in that moment. 



         In that instant, I was nothing close to the human Id once been; no trace of the 



shreds of humanity Id managed to cloak myself in remained. 



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         I was a predator.  She was my prey.  There was nothing else in the whole world 



but that truth. 



         There was no room full of witnessesthey were already collateral damage in my 



head.  The mystery of her thoughts was forgotten.  Her thoughts meant nothing, for she 



would not go on thinking them much longer. 



         I was a vampire, and she had the sweetest blood Id smelled in eighty years. 



         I hadnt imagined such a scent could exist.  If Id known it did, I would have gone 



searching for it long ago.  I would have combed the planet for her.  I could imagine the 



taste 



         Thirst burned through my throat like fire.  My mouth was baked and desiccated. 



The fresh flow of venom did nothing to dispel that sensation.  My stomach twisted with 



the hunger that was an echo of the thirst.  My muscles coiled to spring. 



         Not a full second had passed.  She was still taking the same step that had put her 



downwind from me. 



         As her foot touched the ground, her eyes slid toward me, a movement she clearly 



meant to be stealthy.  Her glance met mine, and I saw myself reflected in the wide mirror 



of her eyes. 



         The shock of the face I saw there saved her life for a few thorny moments. 



         She didnt make it easier.  When she processed the expression on my face, blood 



flooded her cheeks again, turning her skin the most delicious color Id ever seen.  The 



scent was a thick haze in my brain.  I could barely think through it.  My thoughts raged, 



resisting control, incoherent. 



         She walked more quickly now, as if she understood the need to escape.  Her haste 



made her clumsyshe tripped and stumbled forward, almost falling into the girl seated in 



front of me.  Vulnerable, weak.  Even more than usual for a human. 



         I tried to focus on the face Id seen in her eyes, a face I recognized with revulsion. 



The face of the monster in methe face Id beaten back with decades of effort and 



uncompromising discipline.  How easily it sprang to the surface now! 



         The scent swirled around me again, scattering my thoughts and nearly propelling 



me out of my seat. 



         No. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         My hand gripped under the edge of the table as I tried to hold myself in my chair. 



The wood was not up to the task.  My hand crushed through the strut and came away with 



a palmful of splintered pulp, leaving the shape of my fingers carved into the remaining 



wood. 



         Destroy evidence.  That was a fundamental rule.  I quickly pulverized the edges of 



the shape with my fingertips, leaving nothing but a ragged hole and a pile of shavings on 



the floor, which I scattered with my foot. 



         Destroy evidence.  Collateral damage. 



         I knew what had to happen now.  The girl would have to come sit beside me, and 



I would have to kill her. 



         The innocent bystanders in this classroom, eighteen other children and one man, 



could not be allowed to leave this room, having seen what they would soon see. 



         I flinched at the thought of what I must do.  Even at my very worst, I had never 



committed this kind of atrocity.  I had never killed innocents, not in over eight decades. 



And now I planned to slaughter twenty of them at once. 



         The face of the monster in the mirror mocked me. 



         Even as part of me shuddered away from the monster, another part was planning 



it. 



         If I killed the girl first, I would have only fifteen or twenty seconds with her 



before the humans in the room would react.  Maybe a little bit longer, if at first they did 



not realize what I was doing.  She would not have time to scream or feel pain; I would 



not kill her cruelly.  That much I could give this stranger with her horribly desirable 



blood. 



         But then I would have to stop them from escaping.  I wouldnt have to worry 



about the windows, too high up and small to provide an escape for anyone.  Just the 



doorblock that and they were trapped. 



         It would be slower and more difficult, trying to take them all down when they 



were panicked and scrambling, moving in chaos.  Not impossible, but there would be 



much more noise.  Time for lots of screaming.  Someone would hearand Id be forced 



to kill even more innocents in this black hour. 



         And her blood would cool, while I murdered the others. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         The scent punished me, closing my throat with dry aching 



         So the witnesses first then. 



         I mapped it out in my head.  I was in the middle of the room, the furthest row in 



the back.  I would take my right side first.  I could snap four or five of their necks per 



second, I estimated.     It would not be noisy.  The right side would be the lucky side; they 



would not see me coming.  Moving around the front and back up the left side, it would 



take me, at most, five seconds to end every life in this room. 



         Long enough for Bella Swan to see, briefly, what was coming for her.  Long 



enough for her to feel fear.  Long enough, maybe, if shock didnt freeze her in place, for 



her to work up a scream.  One soft scream that would not bring anyone running. 



         I took a deep breath, and the scent was a fire that raced through my dry veins, 



burning out from my chest to consume every better impulse that I was capable of. 



         She was just turning now.      In a few seconds, she would sit down inches away 



from me. 



         The monster in my head smiled in anticipation. 



         Someone slammed shut a folder on my left.  I didnt look up to see which of the 



doomed humans it was.  But the motion sent a wave of ordinary, unscented air wafting 



across my face. 



         For one short second, I was able to think clearly.  In that precious second, I saw 



two faces in my head, side by side. 



         One was mine, or rather had been: the red-eyed monster that had killed so many 



people that Id stop counting their numbers.  Rationalized, justified murders.  A killer of 



killers, a killer of other, less powerful monsters.  It was a god complex, I acknowledged 



thatdeciding who deserved a death sentence.  It was a compromise with myself.  I had 



fed on human blood, but only by the loosest definition.  My victims were, in their various 



dark pastimes, barely more human than I was. 



         The other face was Carlisles. 



         There was no resemblance between the two faces.  They were bright day and 



blackest night. 



         There was no reason for there to be a resemblance.  Carlisle was not my father in 



the basic biological sense.  We shared no common features.  The similarity in our 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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coloring was a product of what we were; every vampire had the same ice pale skin.  The 



similarity in the color of our eyes was another mattera reflection of a mutual choice. 



         And yet, though there was no basis for a resemblance, Id imagined that my face 



had begun to reflect his, to an extent, in the last seventy-odd years that I had embraced 



his choice and followed in his steps.  My features had not changed, but it seemed to me 



like some of his wisdom had marked my expression, that a little of his compassion could 



be traced in the shape of my mouth, and hints of his patience were evident on my brow. 



         All those tiny improvements were lost in the face of the monster.  In a few 



moments, there would be nothing left in me that would reflect the years Id spent with my 



creator, my mentor, my father in all the ways that counted.  My eyes would glow red as a 



devils; all likeness would be lost forever. 



         In my head, Carlisles kind eyes did not judge me.  I knew that he would forgive 



me for this horrible act that I would do.  Because he loved me.  Because he thought I was 



better than I was.  And he would still love me, even as I now proved him wrong. 



         Bella Swan sat down in the chair next to me, her movements stiff and awkward 



with fear?and the scent of her blood bloomed in an inexorable cloud around me. 



         I would prove my father wrong about me.  The misery of this fact hurt almost as 



much as the fire in my throat. 



         I leaned away from her in revulsionrevolted by the monster aching to take her. 



         Why did she have to come here?  Why did she have to exist?  Why did she have 



to ruin the little peace I had in this non-life of mine?  Why had this aggravating human 



ever been born?  She would ruin me. 



         I turned my face away from her, as a sudden fierce, unreasoning hatred washed 



through me. 



         Who was this creature?  Why me, why now?  Why did I have to lose everything 



just because she happened to choose this unlikely town to appear in? 



         Why had she come here! 



         I didnt want to be the monster!  I didnt want to kill this room full of harmless 



children!  I didnt want to lose everything Id gained in a lifetime of sacrifice and denial! 



         I wouldnt.  She couldnt make me. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


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         The scent was the problem, the hideously appealing scent of her blood.  If there 



was only some way to resistif only another gust of fresh air could clear my head. 



         Bella Swan shook out her long, thick, mahogany hair in my direction. 



         Was she insane?  It was as if she were encouraging the monster!  Taunting him. 



         There was no friendly breeze to blow the smell away from me now.  All would 



soon be lost. 



         No, there was no helpful breeze.  But I didnt have to breathe. 



         I stopped the flow of air through my lungs; the relief was instantaneous, but 



incomplete.  I still had the memory of the scent in my head, the taste of it on the back of 



my tongue.  I wouldnt be able to resist even that for long.  But perhaps I could resist for 



an hour.  One hour.     Just enough time to get out of this room full of victims, victims that 



maybe didnt have to be victims.  If I could resist for one short hour. 



         It was an uncomfortable feeling, not breathing.  My body did not need oxygen, 



but it went against my instincts.  I relied on scent more than my other senses in times of 



stress.  It led the way in the hunt, it was the first warning in case of danger.  I did not 



often came across something as dangerous as I was, but self-preservation was just as 



strong in my kind as it was in the average human. 



         Uncomfortable, but manageable.  More bearable than smelling her and not 



sinking my teeth through that fine, thin, see-through skin to the hot, wet, pulsing 



         An hour!  Just one hour.  I must not think of the scent, the taste. 



         The silent girl kept her hair between us, leaning forward so that it spilled across 



her folder.  I couldnt see her face, to try to read the emotions in her clear, deep eyes. 



Was this why shed let her tresses fan out between us?  To hide those eyes from me?  Out 



of fear?   Shyness?  To keep her secrets from me? 



         My former irritation at being stymied by her soundless thoughts was weak and 



pale in comparison to the needand the hatethat possessed me now.  For I hated this 



frail woman-child beside me, hated her with all the fervor with which I clung to my 



former self, my love of my family, my dreams of being something better than what I 



was  Hating her, hating how she made me feelit helped a little.  Yes, the irritation Id 



felt before was weak, but it, too, helped a little.  I clung to any emotion that distracted me 



from imagining what she would taste like 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 15-----------------------

                                                                                                      15 



         Hate and irritation.   Impatience.  Would the hour never pass? 



         And when the hour ended  Then she would walk out of this room.  And I would 



do what? 



         I could introduce myself.  Hello, my name is Edward Cullen.  May I walk you to 



your next class? 



         She would say yes.  It would be the polite thing to do.  Even already fearing me, 



as I suspected she did, she would follow convention and walk beside me.  It should be 



easy enough to lead her in the wrong direction.  A spur of the forest reached out like a 



finger to touch the back corner of the parking lot.  I could tell her Id forgotten a book in 



my car 



         Would anyone notice that I was the last person shed been seen with?  It was 



raining, as usual; two dark raincoats heading the wrong direction wouldnt pique too 



much interest, or give me away. 



         Except that I was not the only student who was aware of her todaythough no 



one was as blisteringly aware as I was.  Mike Newton, in particular, was conscious of 



every shift in her weight as she fidgeted in her chairshe was uncomfortable so close to 



me, just as anyone would be, just as Id expected before her scent had destroyed all 



charitable concern.  Mike Newton would notice if she left the classroom with me. 



         If I could last an hour, could I last two? 



         I flinched at the pain of the burning. 



         She would go home to an empty house.  Police Chief Swan worked a full day.  I 



knew his house, as I knew every house in the tiny town.  His home was nestled right up 



against thick woods, with no close neighbors.  Even if she had time to scream, which she 



would not, there would be no one to hear. 



         That would be the responsible way to deal with this.  Id gone seven decades 



without human blood.  If I held my breath, I could last two hours.  And when I had her 



alone, there would be no chance of anyone else getting hurt.  And no reason to rush 



through the experience, the monster in my head agreed. 



         It was sophistry to think that by saving the nineteen humans in this room with 



effort and patience, I would be less a monster when I killed this innocent girl. 



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----------------------- Page 16-----------------------

16 



         Though I hated her, I knew my hatred was unjust.  I knew that what I really hated 



was myself.  And I would hate us both so much more when she was dead. 



         I made it through the hour in this wayimagining the best ways to kill her.  I 



tried to avoid imagining the actual act.  That might be too much for me; I might lose this 



battle and end up killing everyone in sight.  So I planned strategy, and nothing more.  It 



carried me through the hour. 



         Once, toward the very end, she peeked up at me through the fluid wall of her hair. 



I could feel the unjustified hatred burning out of me as I met her gazesee the reflection 



of it in her frightened eyes.  Blood painted her cheek before she could hide in her hair 



again, and I was nearly undone. 



         But the bell rang.  Saved by the bellhow clich.  We were both saved.  She, 



saved from death.  I, saved for just a short time from being the nightmarish creature I 



feared and loathed. 



         I couldnt walk as slowly as I should as I darted from the room.  If anyone had 



been looking at me, they might have suspected that there was something not right about 



the way I moved.  No one was paying attention to me.  All human thoughts still swirled 



around the girl who was condemned to die in little more than an hours time. 



         I hid in my car. 



         I didnt like to think of myself having to hide.  How cowardly that sounded.  But 



it was unquestionably the case now. 



         I didnt have enough discipline left to be around humans now.  Focusing so much 



of my efforts on not killing one of them left me no resources to resist the others.  What a 



waste that would be.  If I were to give in to the monster, I might as well make it worth the 



defeat. 



         I played a CD of music that usually calmed me, but it did little for me now.  No, 



what helped most now was the cool, wet, clean air that drifted with the light rain through 



my open windows.  Though I could remember the scent of Bella Swans blood with 



perfect clarity, inhaling the clean air was like washing out the inside of my body from its 



infection. 



         I was sane again.  I could think again.  And I could fight again.  I could fight 



against what I didnt want to be. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 17-----------------------

                                                                                                      17 



         I didnt have to go to her home.  I didnt have to kill her.  Obviously, I was a 



rational, thinking creature, and I had a choice.  There was always a choice. 



         It hadnt felt that way in the classroombut I was away from her now.  Perhaps, 



if I avoided her very, very carefully, there was no need for my life to change.  I had 



things ordered the way I liked them now.  Why should I let some aggravating and 



delicious nobody ruin that? 



         I didnt have to disappoint my father.  I didnt have to cause my mother stress, 



worrypain.  Yes, it would hurt my adopted mother, too.  And Esme was so gentle, so 



tender and soft.  Causing someone like Esme pain was truly inexcusable. 



         How ironic that Id wanted to protect this human girl from the paltry, toothless 



threat of Jessica Stanleys snide thoughts.  I was the last person who would ever stand as 



a protector for Isabella Swan.  She would never need protection from anything more than 



she needed it from me. 



         Where was Alice, I suddenly wondered?  Hadnt she seen me killing the Swan 



girl in a multitude of ways?  Why hadnt she come to helpto stop me or help me clean 



up the evidence, whichever?  Was she so absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper 



that shed missed this much more horrific possibility?  Was I stronger than I thought? 



Would I really not have done anything to the girl? 



         No.  I knew that wasnt true.  Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard. 



         I searched in the direction I knew she would be, in the small building used for 



English classes.  It did not take me long to locate her familiar voice.  And I was right. 



Her every thought was turned to Jasper, watching his small choices with minute scrutiny. 



         I wished I could ask her advice, but at the same time, I was glad she didnt know 



what I was capable of.  That she was unaware of the massacre I had considered in the last 



hour. 



         I felt a new burn through my bodythe burn of shame.  I didnt want any of them 



to know. 



         If I could avoid Bella Swan, if I could manage not to kill hereven as I thought 



that, the monster writhed and gnashed his teeth in frustrationthen no one would have to 



know.  If I could keep away from her scent 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 18-----------------------

18 



         There was no reason why I shouldnt try, at least.  Make a good choice.  Try to be 



what Carlisle thought I was. 



         The last hour of school was almost over.  I decided to put my new plan into action 



at once.  Better than sitting here in the parking lot where she might pass me and ruin my 



attempt.  Again, I felt the unjust hatred for the girl.  I hated that she had this unconscious 



power over me.  That she could make me be something I reviled. 



         I walked swiftlya little too swiftly, but there were no witnessesacross the tiny 



campus to the office.  There was no reason for Bella Swan to cross paths with me.  She 



would be avoided like the plague she was. 



         The office was empty except for the secretary, the one I wanted to see. 



         She didnt notice my silent entrance. 



         Mrs. Cope? 



         The woman with the unnaturally red hair looked up and her eyes widened.  It 



always caught them off guard, the little markers they didnt understand, no matter how 



many times theyd seen one of us before. 



         Oh, she gasped, a little flustered.  She smoothed her shirt.  Silly, she thought to 



herself.  Hes almost young enough to be my son.  Too young to think of that way 



Hello, Edward.  What can I do for you?  Her eyelashes fluttered behind her thick 



glasses. 



         Uncomfortable.  But I knew how to be charming when I wanted to be.  It was 



easy, since I was able to know instantly how any tone or gesture was taken. 



         I leaned forward, meeting her gaze as if I were staring deeply into her depthless, 



small brown eyes.  Her thoughts were already in a flutter.  This should be simple. 



         I was wondering if you could help me with my schedule, I said in the soft voice 



I reserved for not scaring humans. 



         I heard the tempo of her heart increase. 



         Of course, Edward.  How can I help?          Too young, too young, she chanted to 



herself.  Wrong, of course.  I was older than her grandfather.  But according to my 



drivers license, she was right. 



         I was wondering if I could move from my biology class to a senior level science? 



Physics, perhaps? 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 19-----------------------

                                                                                                      19 



         It there a problem with Mr. Banner, Edward? 



         Not at all, its just that Ive already studied this material 



         In that accelerated school you all went to in Alaska, right.  Her thin lips pursed 



as she considered this.     They should all be in college.  Ive heard the teachers complain. 



Perfect four point ohs, never a hesitation with a response, never a wrong answer on a 



testlike theyve found some way to cheat in every subject.  Mr. Varner would rather 



believe that anyone was cheating than think a student was smarter than him  Ill bet 



their mother tutors them  Actually, Edward, physics is pretty much full right now. 



Mr. Banner hates to have more than twenty-five students in a class 



         I wouldnt be any trouble. 



         Of course not.  Not a perfect Cullen.  I know that, Edward.  But there just arent 



enough seats as it is 



         Could I drop the class, then?  I could use the period for independent study. 



         Drop biology?  He mouth fell open.          Thats crazy.  How hard is it to sit through 



a subject you already know?  There must be a problem with Mr. Banner.  I wonder if I 



should talk to Bob about it?  You wont have enough credits to graduate. 



         Ill catch up next year. 



         Maybe you should talk to your parents about that. 



         The door opened behind me, but who ever it was did not think of me, so I ignored 



the arrival and concentrated on Mrs. Cope.  I leaned slightly closer, and held my eyes a 



little wider.  This would work better if they were gold instead of black.  The blackness 



frightened people, as it should. 



         Please, Mrs. Cope? I made my voice as smooth and compelling as it could be 



and it could be considerably compelling.  Isnt there some other section I could switch 



to?  Im sure there has to be an open slot somewhere?  Sixth hour biology cant be the 



only option 



         I smiled at her, careful not to flash my teeth so widely that it would scare her, 



letting the expression soften my face. 



         Her heart drummed faster.       Too young, she reminded herself frantically.  Well, 



maybe I could talk to BobI mean Mr. Banner.  I could see if 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 20-----------------------

20 



         A second was all it took to change everything: the atmosphere in the room, my 



mission here, the reason I leaned toward the red-haired woman  What had been for one 



purpose before was now for another. 



         A second was all it took for Samantha Wells to open the door and place a signed 



tardy slip in the basket by the door, and hurry out again, in a rush to be away from school. 



A second was all it took for the sudden gust of wind through the open door to crash into 



me.  A second was all it took for me to realize why that first person through the door had 



not interrupted me with her thoughts. 



         I turned, though I did not need to make sure.  I turned slowly, fighting to control 



the muscles that rebelled against me. 



         Bella Swan stood with her back pressed to the wall beside the door, a piece of 



paper clutched in her hands.  Her eyes were even wider than usual as she took in my 



ferocious, inhuman glare. 



         The smell of her blood saturated every particle of air in the tiny, hot room.  My 



throat burst into flames. 



         The monster glared back at me from the mirror of her eyes again, a mask of evil. 



         My hand hesitated in the air above the counter.  I would not have to look back in 



order to reach across it and slam Mrs. Copes head into her desk with enough force to kill 



her.  Two lives, rather than twenty.  A trade. 



         The monster waited anxiously, hungrily, for me to do it. 



         But there was always a choicethere had to be. 



         I cut off the motion of my lungs, and fixed Carlisles face in front of my eyes.  I 



turned back to face Mrs. Cope, and heard her internal surprise at the change in my 



expression.  She shrank away from me, but her fear did not form into coherent words. 



         Using all the control Id mastered in my decades of self-denial, I made my voice 



even and smooth.  There was just enough air left in my lungs to speak once more, rushing 



through the words. 



         Nevermind, then.  I can see that its impossible.  Thank you so much for your 



help. 



         I spun and launched myself from the room, trying not to feel the warm-blooded 



heat of the girls body as I passed within inches of it. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 21-----------------------

                                                                                                      21 



         I didnt stop until I was in my car, moving too fast the entire way there.  Most of 



the humans had cleared out already, so there werent a lot of witnesses.  I heard a 



sophomore, D.J. Garrett, notice, and then disregard 



         Where did Cullen come fromit was like he just came out of thin air  There I 



go, with the imagination again.  Mom always says 



         When I slid into my Volvo, the others were already there.  I tried to control my 



breathing, but I was gasping at the fresh air like Id been suffocated. 



         Edward? Alice asked, alarm in her voice. 



         I just shook my head at her. 



         What the hell happened to you? Emmett demanded, distracted, for the moment, 



from the fact that Jasper was not in the mood for his rematch. 



         Instead of answering, I threw the car into reverse.  I had to get out of this lot 



before Bella Swan could follow me here, too.  My own person demon, haunting me  I 



swung the car around and accelerated.  I hit forty before I was on the road.  On the road, I 



hit seventy before I made the corner. 



         Without looking, I knew that Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had all turned to stare at 



Alice.  She shrugged.  She couldnt see what had passed, only what was coming. 



         She looked ahead for me now.  We both processed what she saw in her head, and 



we were both surprised. 



         Youre leaving? she whispered. 



         The others stared at me now. 



         Am I? I hissed through my teeth. 



         She saw it then, as my resolve wavered and another choice spun my future in a 



darker direction. 



         Oh. 



         Bella Swan, dead.  My eyes, glowing crimson with fresh blood.  The search that 



would follow.  The careful time we would wait before it was safe for us to pull out and 



start again 



         Oh, she said again.  The picture grew more specific.  I saw the inside of Chief 



Swans house for the first time, saw Bella in a small kitchen with the yellow cupboards, 



her back to me as I stalked her from the shadowslet the scent pull me toward her 



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22 



         Stop! I groaned, not able to bear more. 



         Sorry, she whispered, her eyes wide. 



         The monster rejoiced. 



         And the vision in her head shifted again.  An empty highway at night, the trees 



beside it coated in snow, flashing by at almost two hundred miles per hour. 



         Ill miss you, she said.  No matter how short a time youre gone. 



         Emmett and Rosalie exchanged an apprehensive glance. 



         We were almost to the turn off onto the long drive that led to our home. 



         Drop us here, Alice instructed.  You should tell Carlisle yourself. 



         I nodded, and the car squealed to a sudden stop. 



         Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper got out in silence; they would make Alice explain 



when I was gone.  Alice touched my shoulder. 



         You will do the right thing, she murmured.  Not a vision this timean order. 



Shes Charlie Swans only family.  It would kill him, too. 



         Yes, I said, agreeing only with the last part. 



         She slid out to join the others, her eyebrows pulling together in anxiety.  They 



melted into woods, out of sight before I could turn the car around. 



         I accelerated back toward town, and I knew the visions in Alices head would be 



flashing from dark to bright like a strobe light.  As I sped back to Forks doing ninety, I 



wasnt sure where I was going.  To say goodbye to my father?  Or to embrace the 



monster inside me?  The road flew away beneath my tires. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 23-----------------------

                                                                                                      23 



                                            2.  Open Book 



I leaned back against the soft snow bank, letting the dry powder reshape itself around my 



weight.  My skin had cooled to match the air around me, and the tiny pieces of ice felt 



like velvet under my skin. 



         The sky above me was clear, brilliant with stars, glowing blue in some places, 



yellow in others.  The stars created majestic, swirling shapes against the black universe 



an awesome sight.  Exquisitely beautiful.  Or rather, it should have been exquisite. 



Would have been, if Id been able to really see it. 



         It wasnt getting any better.  Six days had passed, six days Id hidden here in the 



empty Denali wilderness, but I was no closer to freedom than I had been since the first 



moment that Id caught her scent. 



         When I stared up at the jeweled sky, it was as if there were an obstruction 



between my eyes and their beauty.  The obstruction was a face, just an unremarkable 



human face, but I couldnt quite seem to banish it from my mind. 



         I heard the approaching thoughts before I heard the footsteps that accompanied 



them.  The sound of movement was only a faint whisper against the powder. 



         I was not surprised that Tanya had followed me here.  I knew shed been mulling 



over this coming conversation for the last few days, putting it off until she was sure of 



exactly what she wanted to say. 



         She sprang into sight about sixty yards away, leaping onto the tip of an 



outcropping of black rock and balancing there on the balls of her bare feet. 



         Tanyas skin was silver in the starlight, and her long blond curls shone pale, 



almost pink with their strawberry tint.  Her amber eyes glinted as she spied me, half- 



buried in the snow, and her full lips stretched slowly into a smile. 



         Exquisite.  If Id really been able to see her.  I sighed. 



         She crouched down on the point of the stone, her fingertips touching the rock, her 



body coiled. 



         Cannonball, she thought. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 24-----------------------

24 



         She launched herself into the air; her shape became a dark, twisting shadow as she 



spun gracefully between me and the stars.  She curled herself into a ball just as she struck 



the piled snow bank beside me. 



         A blizzard of snow flew up around me.  The stars went black and I was buried 



deep in the feathery ice crystals. 



         I sighed again, but didnt move to unearth myself.  The blackness under the snow 



neither hurt nor improved the view.  I still saw the same face. 



         Edward? 



         Then snow was flying again as Tanya swiftly disinterred me.  She brushed the 



powder from my unmoving face, not quite meeting my eyes. 



         Sorry, she murmured.  It was a joke. 



         I know.  It was funny. 



         Her mouth twisted down. 



         Irina and Kate said I should leave you alone.  They think Im annoying you. 



         Not at all, I assured her.  On the contrary, Im the one whos being rude 



abominably rude.  Im very sorry. 



         Youre going home, arent you?  she thought. 



         I havententirelydecided that yet. 



         But youre not staying here.  Her thought was wistful now, sad. 



         No.  It doesnt seem to behelping. 



         She grimaced.  Thats my fault, isnt it? 



         Of course not, I lied smoothly. 



         Dont be a gentleman. 



         I smiled. 



         I make you uncomfortable, she accused. 



         No. 



         She raised one eyebrow, her expression so disbelieving that I had to laugh.  One 



short laugh, followed by another sigh. 



         All right, I admitted.  A little bit. 



         She sighed, too, and put her chin in her hands.  Her thoughts were chagrined. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 25-----------------------

                                                                                                      25 



         Youre a thousand times lovelier than the stars, Tanya.  Of course, youre 



already well aware of that.  Dont let my stubbornness undermine your confidence.  I 



chuckled at the unlikeliness of that. 



         Im not used to rejection, she grumbled, her lower lip pushing out into an 



attractive pout. 



         Certainly not, I agreed, trying with little success to block out her thoughts as 



she fleetingly sifted through memories of her thousands of successful conquests.  Mostly 



Tanya preferred human menthey were much more populous for one thing, with the 



added advantage of being soft and warm.  And always eager, definitely. 



         Succubus, I teased, hoping to interrupt the images flickering in her head. 



         She grinned, flashing her teeth.  The original. 



         Unlike Carlisle, Tanya and her sisters had discovered their consciences slowly.  In 



the end, it was their fondness for human men that turned the sisters against the slaughter. 



Now the men they lovedlived. 



         When you showed up here, Tanya said slowly.  I thought that 



         Id known what shed thought.  And I should have guessed that she would have 



felt that way.  But I hadnt been at my best for analytical thinking in that moment. 



         You thought that Id changed my mind. 



         Yes.  She scowled. 



         I feel horrible for toying with your expectations, Tanya.  I didnt mean toI 



wasnt thinking.  Its just that I left inquite a hurry. 



         I dont suppose youd tell me why? 



         I sat up and wrapped my arms around my legs, curling defensively.  I dont want 



to talk about it. 



         Tanya, Irina and Kate were very good at this life theyd committed to.  Better, in 



some ways, than even Carlisle.  Despite the insanely close proximity they allowed 



themselves with those who should beand once weretheir prey, they did not make 



mistakes.  I was too ashamed to admit my weakness to Tanya. 



         Woman troubles? she guessed, ignoring my reluctance. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 26-----------------------

26 



         I laughed a bleak laugh.  Not the way you mean it. 



         She was quiet then.  I listened to her thoughts as she ran through different 



guesses, tried to decipher the meaning of my words. 



         Youre not even close, I told her. 



         One hint? she asked. 



         Please let it go, Tanya. 



         She was quiet again, still speculating.  I ignored her, trying in vain to appreciate 



the stars. 



         She gave up after a silent moment, and her thoughts pursued a new direction. 



         Where will you go, Edward, if you leave?  Back to Carlisle? 



         I dont think so, I whispered. 



         Where would I go?       I could not think of one place on the entire planet that held 



any interest for me.    There was nothing I wanted to see or do.  Because, no matter where I 



went, I would not be going to anywhereI would only be runningfrom . 



         I hated that.  When had I become such a coward? 



         Tanya threw her slender arm around my shoulders.  I stiffened, but did not flinch 



out from under her touch.  She meant it as nothing more than friendly comfort.  Mostly. 



         I think that you will go back, she said, her voice taking on just a hint of her long 



lost Russian accent.  No matter what it isor who it is...that is haunting you.  Youll 



face it head on.  Youre the type. 



         Her thoughts were as certain as her words.  I tried to embrace the vision of myself 



that she carried in her head.  The one who faced things head on.  It was pleasant to think 



of myself that way again.  Id never doubted my courage, my ability to face difficulty, 



before that horrible hour in a high school biology class such a short time ago. 



         I kissed her cheek, pulling back swiftly when she twisted her face toward mine, 



her lips already puckered.  She smiled ruefully at my quickness. 



         Thank you, Tanya.  I needed to hear that. 



         Her thoughts turned petulant.  Youre welcome, I guess.  I wish you would be 



more reasonable about things, Edward. 



         Im sorry, Tanya.  You know youre too good for me.  I justhavent found 



what Im looking for yet. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 27-----------------------

                                                                                                         27 



         Well, if you leave before I see you againgoodbye, Edward. 



         Goodbye, Tanya.  As I said the words, I could see it.  I could see myself 



leaving.  Being strong enough to go back to the one place where I wanted to be.  Thanks 



again. 



         She was on her feet in one nimble move, and then she was running away, 



ghosting across the snow so quickly that her feet had no time to sink into the snow; she 



left no prints behind her.  She didnt look back.  My rejection bothered her more than 



shed let on before, even in her thoughts.  She wouldnt want to see me again before I 



left. 



         My mouth twisted with chagrin.  I didnt like hurting Tanya, though her feelings 



were not deep, hardly pure, and, in any case, not something I could return.  It still made 



me feel less than a gentleman. 



         I put my chin on my knees and stared up at the stars again, though I was suddenly 



anxious to be on my way.  I knew that Alice would see me coming home, that she would 



tell the others.  This would make them happyCarlisle and Esme especially.  But I gazed 



at the stars for one more moment, trying to see past the face in my head.  Between me 



and the brilliant lights in the sky, a pair of bewildered chocolate-brown eyes stared back 



at me, seeming to ask what this decision would mean for her.  Of course, I couldnt be 



sure if that was really the information her curious eyes sought.  Even in my imagination, I 



couldnt hear her thoughts.  Bella Swans eyes continued to question, and an 



unobstructed view of the stars continued to elude me.  With a heavy sigh, I gave up, and 



got to my feet.  If I ran, I would be back to Carlisles car in less than an hour 



         In a hurry to see my familyand wanting very much to be the Edward that faced 



things head onI raced across the starlit snowfield, leaving no footprints. 



Its going to be okay, Alice breathed.  Her eyes were unfocused, and Jasper had one 



hand lightly under her elbow, guiding her forward as we walked into the rundown 



cafeteria in a close group.  Rosalie and Emmett led the way, Emmett looking ridiculously 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 


----------------------- Page 28-----------------------

28 



like a bodyguard in the middle of hostile territory.  Rose looked wary, too, but much 



more irritated than protective. 



         Of course it is, I grumbled.  Their behavior was ludicrous.  If I wasnt positive 



that I could handle this moment, I would have stayed home. 



         The sudden shift from our normal, even playful morningit had snowed in the 



night, and Emmett and Jasper were not above taking advantage of my distraction to 



bombard me with slushballs; when they got bored with my lack of response, theyd 



turned on each otherto this overdone vigilance would have been comical if it werent 



so irritating. 



         Shes not here yet, but the way shes going to come inshe wont be downwind 



if we sit in our regular spot. 



         Of course well sit in our regular spot.  Stop it, Alice.  Youre getting on my 



nerves.  Ill be absolutely fine. 



         She blinked once as Jasper helped her into her seat, and her eyes finally focused 



on my face. 



         Hmm, she said, sounding surprised.  I think youre right. 



         Of course I am, I muttered. 



         I hated being the focus of their concern.  I felt a sudden sympathy for Jasper, 



remembering all the times wed hovered protectively over him.  He met my glance 



briefly, and grinned. 



         Annoying, isnt it? 



         I grimaced at him. 



         Was it just last week that this long, drab room had seemed so killingly dull to me? 



That it had seemed almost like sleep, like a coma, to be here? 



         Today my nerves were stretched tightpiano wires, tensed to sing at the lightest 



pressure.  My senses were hyper-alert; I scanned every sound, every sight, every 



movement of the air that touched my skin, every thought.  Especially the thoughts.  There 



was only one sense that I kept locked down, refused to use.  Smell, of course.  I didnt 



breathe. 



         I was expecting to hear more about the Cullens in the thoughts that I sifted 



through.  All day Id been waiting, searching for whichever new acquaintance Bella 



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Swan might have confided in, trying to see the direction the new gossip would take.  But 



there was nothing.  No one noticed the five vampires in the cafeteria, just the same as 



before the new girl had come.  Several of the humans here were still thinking of that girl, 



still thinking the same thoughts from last week.  Instead of finding this unutterably 



boring, I was now fascinated. 



         Had she said nothing to anyone about me? 



         There was no way that she had not noticed my black, murderous glare.  I had seen 



her react to it.  Surely, Id scared her silly.  I had been convinced that she would have 



mentioned it to someone, maybe even exaggerated the story a bit to make it better.  Given 



me a few menacing lines. 



         And then, shed also heard me trying to get out of our shared biology class.              She 



must have wondered, after seeing my expression, whether she were the cause.  A normal 



girl would have asked around, compared her experience to others, looked for common 



ground that would explain my behavior so she didnt feel singled out.  Humans were 



constantly desperate to feel normal, to fit in.  To blend in with everyone else around 



them, like a featureless flock of sheep.  The need was particularly strong during the 



insecure adolescent years.  This girl would be no exception to that rule. 



         But no one at all took any notice of us sitting here, at our normal table.  Bella 



must be exceptionally shy, if shed confided in no one.  Perhaps she had spoken to her 



father, maybe that was the strongest relationshipthough that seemed unlikely, given the 



fact that she had spent so little time with him throughout her life.  She would be closer to 



her mother.  Still, I would have to pass by Chief Swan sometime soon and listen to what 



he was thinking. 



         Anything new? Jasper asked. 



         Nothing.  Shemust not have said anything. 



         All of them raised an eyebrow at this news. 



         Maybe youre not as scary as you think you are, Emmett said, chuckling.  I bet 



I could have frightened her better than that. 



         I rolled my eyes at him. 



         Wonder why?  He puzzled again over my revelation about the girls unique 



silence. 



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         Weve been over that.  I dont know. 



         Shes coming in, Alice murmured then.  I felt my body go rigid.  Try to look 



human. 



         Human, you say? Emmett asked. 



         He held up his right fist, twisting his fingers to reveal the snowball hed saved in 



his palm.  Of course it had not melted there.  Hed squeezed it into a lumpy block of ice. 



He had his eyes on Jasper, but I saw the direction of his thoughts.  So did Alice, of 



course.  When he abruptly hurled the ice chunk at her, she flicked it away with a casual 



flutter of her fingers.  The ice ricocheted across the length of the cafeteria, too fast to be 



visible to human eyes, and shattered with a sharp crack against the brick wall.  The brick 



cracked, too. 



         The heads in that corner of the room all turned to stare at the pile of broken ice on 



the floor, and then swiveled to find the culprit.  They didnt look further than a few tables 



away.  No one looked at us. 



         Very human, Emmett, Rosalie said scathingly.  Why dont you punch through 



the wall while youre at it? 



         It would look more impressive if you did it, baby. 



         I tried to pay attention to them, keeping a grin fixed on my face like I was part of 



their banter.  I did not allow myself to look toward the line where I knew she was 



standing.   But that was all that I was listening to. 



         I could hear Jessicas impatience with the new girl, who seemed to be distracted, 



too, standing motionless in the moving line.  I saw, in Jessicas thoughts, that Bella 



Swans cheeks were once more colored bright pink with blood. 



         I pulled in short, shallow breaths, ready to quit breathing if any hint of her scent 



touched the air near me. 



         Mike Newton was with the two girls.  I heard both his voices, mental and verbal, 



when he asked Jessica what was wrong with the Swan girl.  I didnt like the way his 



thoughts wrapped around her, the flicker of already established fantasies that clouded his 



mind while he watched her start and look up from her reverie like shed forgotten he was 



there. 



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         Nothing, I heard Bella say in that quiet, clear voice.  It seemed to ring like a bell 



over the babble in the cafeteria, but I knew that was just because I was listening for it so 



intently. 



         Ill just get a soda today, she continued as she moved to catch up with the line. 



         I couldnt help flickering one glance in her direction.  She was staring at the floor, 



the blood slowly fading from her face.  I looked away quickly, to Emmett, who laughed 



at the now pained-looking smile on my face. 



         You look sick, bro. 



         I rearranged my features so the expression would seem casual and effortless. 



         Jessica was wondering aloud about the girls lack of appetite.  Arent you 



hungry? 



         Actually, I feel a little sick.  Her voice was lower, but still very clear. 



         Why did it bother me, the protective concern that suddenly emanated from Mike 



Newtons thoughts?  What did it matter that there was a possessive edge to them?  It 



wasnt my business if Mike Newton felt unnecessarily anxious for her.  Perhaps this was 



the way everyone responded to her.  Hadnt I wanted, instinctively, to protect her, too? 



Before Id wanted to kill her, that is 



         But was the girl ill? 



         It was hard to judgeshe looked so delicate with her translucent skin  Then I 



realized that I was worrying, too, just like that dimwitted boy, and I forced myself not to 



think about her health. 



         Regardless, I didnt like monitoring her through Mikes thoughts.  I switched to 



Jessicas, watching carefully as the three of them chose which table to sit at.  Fortunately, 



they sat with Jessicas usual companions, at one of the first tables in the room.  Not 



downwind, just as Alice had promised. 



         Alice elbowed me.  Shes going to look soon, act human. 



         I clenched my teeth behind my grin. 



         Ease up, Edward, Emmett said.  Honestly.  So you kill one human.  Thats 



hardly the end of the world. 



         You would know, I murmured. 



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         Emmett laughed.  Youve got to learn to get over things.  Like I do.  Eternity is a 



long time to wallow in guilt. 



         Just then, Alice tossed a smaller handful of ice that shed been hiding into 



Emmetts unsuspecting face. 



         He blinked, surprised, and then grinned in anticipation. 



         You asked for it, he said as he leaned across the table and shook his ice- 



encrusted hair in her direction.  The snow, melting in the warm room, flew out from his 



hair in a thick shower of half-liquid, half-ice. 



         Ew! Rose complained, as she and Alice recoiled from the deluge. 



         Alice laughed, and we all joined in.  I could see in Alices head how shed 



orchestrated this perfect moment, and I knew that the girlI should stop thinking of her 



that way, as if she were the only girl in the worldthat Bella would be watching us laugh 



and play, looking as happy and human and unrealistically ideal as a Norman Rockwell 



painting. 



         Alice kept laughing, and held her tray up as a shield.  The girlBella must still be 



staring at us. 



         staring at the Cullens again, someone thought, catching my attention. 



         I looked automatically toward the unintentional call, realizing as my eyes found 



their destination that I recognized the voiceId been listening to it so much today. 



         But my eyes slid right past Jessica, and focused on the girls penetrating gaze. 



         She looked down quickly, hiding behind her thick hair again. 



         What was she thinking?  The frustration seemed to be getting more acute as time 



went on, rather than dulling.  I trieduncertain in what I was doing for Id never tried 



this beforeto probe with my mind at the silence around her.  My extra hearing had 



always come to me naturally, without asking; Id never had to work at it.  But I 



concentrated now, trying to break through whatever shield surrounded her. 



         Nothing but silence. 



         What is it about her? Jessica thought, echoing my own frustration. 



         Edward Cullen is staring at you, she whispered in the Swan girls ear, adding a 



giggle.  There was no hint of her jealous irritation in her tone.  Jessica seemed to be 



skilled at feigning friendship. 



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         I listened, too engrossed, to the girls response. 



         He doesnt look angry, does he? she whispered back. 



         So she had noticed my wild reaction last week.  Of course she had. 



         The question confused Jessica.  I saw my own face in her thoughts as she checked 



my expression, but I did not meet her glance.  I was still concentrating on the girl, trying 



to hear something.  My intent focus didnt seem to be helping at all. 



         No, Jess told her, and I knew that she wished she could say yeshow it rankled 



inside her, my staringthough there was no trace of that in her voice.  Should he be? 



         I dont think he likes me, the girl whispered back, laying her head down on her 



arm as if she were suddenly tired.  I tried to understand the motion, but I could only make 



guesses.  Maybe she was tired. 



         The Cullens dont like anybody, Jess reassured her.  Well, they dont notice 



anybody enough to like them.         They never used to.  Her thought was a grumble of 



complaint.  But hes still staring at you. 



         Stop looking at him, the girl said anxiously, lifting her head from her arm to 



make sure Jessica obeyed the order. 



         Jessica giggled, but did as she was asked. 



         The girl did not look away from her table for the rest of the hour.  I thought 



though, of course, I could not be surethat this was deliberate.  It seemed like she 



wanted to look at me.  Her body would shift slightly in my direction, her chin would 



begin to turn, and then she would catch herself, take a deep breath, and stare fixedly at 



whoever was speaking. 



         I ignored the other thoughts around the girl for the most part, as they were not, 



momentarily, about her.  Mike Newton was planning a snow fight in the parking lot after 



school, not seeming to realize that the snow had already shifted to rain.  The flutter of 



soft flakes against the roof had become the more common patter of raindrops.  Could he 



really not hear the change?  It seemed loud to me. 



         When the lunch period ended, I stayed in my seat.  The humans filed out, and I 



caught myself trying to distinguish the sound of her footsteps from the sound of the rest, 



as if there was something important or unusual about them.  How stupid. 



         My family made no move to leave, either.  They waited to see what I would do. 



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         Would I go to class, sit beside the girl where I could smell the absurdly potent 



scent of her blood and feel the warmth of her pulse in the air on my skin?  Was I strong 



enough for that?  Or had I had enough for one day? 



         Ithink its okay, Alice said, hesitant.  Your mind is set.  I think youll make 



it through the hour. 



         But Alice knew well how quickly a mind could change. 



         Why push it, Edward? Jasper asked.  Though he didnt want to feel smug that I 



was the one who was weak now, I could hear that he did, just a little.  Go home.  Take it 



slow. 



         Whats the big deal? Emmett disagreed.  Either he will or he wont kill her. 



Might as well get it over with, either way. 



         I dont want to move yet, Rosalie complained.  I dont want to start over. 



Were almost out of high school, Emmett.  Finally. 



         I was evenly torn on the decision.  I wanted, wanted badly, to face this head on 



rather than running away again.  But I didnt want to push myself too far, either.  It had 



been a mistake last week for Jasper to go so long without hunting; was this just as 



pointless a mistake? 



         I didnt want to uproot my family.  None of them would thank me for that. 



         But I wanted to go to my biology class.  I realized that I wanted to see her face 



again. 



         Thats what decided it for me.  That curiosity.  I was angry with myself for feeling 



it.  Hadnt I promised myself that I wouldnt let the silence of the girls mind make me 



unduly interested in her?  And yet, here I was, most unduly interested. 



         I wanted to know what she was thinking.  Her mind was closed, but her eyes were 



very open.  Perhaps I could read them instead. 



         No, Rose, I think it really will be okay, Alice said.  Itsfirming up.  Im 



ninety-three percent sure that nothing bad will happen if he goes to class.  She looked at 



me inquisitively, wondering what had changed in my thoughts that made her vision of the 



future more secure. 



         Would curiosity be enough to keep Bella Swan alive? 



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         Emmett was right, thoughwhy not get it over with, either way?  I would face 



the temptation head on. 



         Go to class, I ordered, pushing away from the table.  I turned and strode away 



from them without looking back.  I could hear Alices worry, Jaspers censure, Emmetts 



approval, and Rosalies irritation trailing after me. 



         I took one last deep breath at the door of the classroom, and then held it in my 



lungs as I walked into the small, warm space. 



         I was not late.  Mr. Banner was still setting up for todays lab.  The girl sat at 



myat our table, her face down again, staring at the folder she was doodling on.  I 



examined the sketch as I approached, interested in even this trivial creation of her mind, 



but it was meaningless.  Just a random scribbling of loops within loops.  Perhaps she was 



not concentrating on the pattern, but thinking of something else? 



         I pulled my chair back with unnecessary roughness, letting it scrape across the 



linoleum; humans always felt more comfortable when noise announced someones 



approach. 



         I knew she heard the sound; she did not look up, but her hand missed a loop in the 



design she was drawing, making it unbalanced. 



         Why didnt she look up?  Probably she was frightened.  I must be sure to leave 



her with a different impression this time.  Make her think shed been imagining things 



before. 



         Hello, I said in the quiet voice I used when I wanted to make humans more 



comfortable, forming a polite smile with my lips that would not show any teeth. 



         She looked up then, her wide brown eyes startledalmost bewilderedand full 



of silent questions.  It was the same expression that had been obstructing my vision for 



the last week. 



         As I stared into those oddly deep brown eyes, I realized that the hatethe hate Id 



imagined this girl somehow deserved for simply existinghad evaporated.  Not 



breathing now, not tasting her scent, it was hard to believe that anyone so vulnerable 



could ever justify hatred. 



         Her cheeks began to flush, and she said nothing. 



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         I kept my eyes on hers, focusing only on their questioning depths, and tried to 



ignore the appetizing color of her skin.  I had enough breath to speak for a while longer 



without inhaling. 



         My name is Edward Cullen, I said, though I knew she knew that.  It was the 



polite way to begin.  I didnt have a chance to introduce myself last week.             You must be 



Bella Swan. 



         She seemed confusedthere was that little pucker between her eyes again.  It 



took her half a second longer than it should have for her to respond. 



         How do you know my name? she demanded, and her voice shook just a little. 



         I must have truly terrified her.  This made me feel guilty; she was just so 



defenseless.  I laughed gentlyit was a sound that I knew made humans more at ease. 



Again, I was careful about my teeth. 



         Oh, I think everyone knows your name.  Surely she must have realized that 



shed become the center of attention in this monotonous place.  The whole towns been 



waiting for you to arrive. 



         She frowned as if this information was unpleasant.  I supposed, being shy as she 



seemed to be, attention would seem like a bad thing to her.  Most humans felt the 



opposite.  Though they didnt want to stand out from the herd, at the same time they 



craved a spotlight for their individual uniformity. 



         No, she said.  I meant, why did you call me Bella? 



         Do you prefer Isabella? I asked, perplexed by the fact that I couldnt see where 



this question was leading.  I didnt understand.  Surely, shed made her preference clear 



many times that first day.  Were all humans this incomprehensible without the mental 



context as a guide? 



         No, I like Bella, she answered, leaning her head slightly to one side.  Her 



expressionif I was reading it correctlywas torn between embarrassment and 



confusion.  But I think CharlieI mean my dadmust call me Isabella behind my back. 



Thats what everyone here seems to know me as.  Her skin darkened one shade pinker. 



         Oh, I said lamely, and quickly looked away from her face. 



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         Id just realized what her questions meant: I had slipped upmade an error.  If I 



hadnt been eavesdropping on all the others that first day, then I would have addressed 



her initially by her full name, just like everyone else.  Shed noticed the difference. 



         I felt a pang of unease.  It was very quick of her to pick up on my slip.  Quite 



astute, especially for someone who was supposed to be terrified by my nearness. 



         But I had bigger problems than whatever suspicions about me she might be 



keeping locked inside her head. 



         I was out of air.  If I were going to speak to her again, I would have to inhale. 



         It would be hard to avoid speaking.  Unfortunately for her, sharing this table made 



her my lab partner, and we would have to work together today.  It would seem oddand 



incomprehensibly rudefor me to ignore her while we did the lab.  It would make her 



more suspicious, more afraid 



         I leaned as far away from her as I could without moving my seat, twisting my 



head out into the aisle.  I braced myself, locking my muscles in place, and then sucked in 



one quick chest-full of air, breathing through my mouth alone. 



         Ahh! 



         It was genuinely painful.  Even without smelling her, I could taste her on my 



tongue.  My throat was suddenly in flames again, the craving every bit as strong as that 



first moment Id caught her scent last week. 



         I gritted my teeth together and tried to compose myself. 



         Get started, Mr. Banner commanded. 



         It felt like it took every single ounce of self-control that Id achieved in seventy 



years of hard work to turn back to the girl, who was staring down at the table, and smile. 



         Ladies first, partner? I offered. 



         She looked up at my expression and her face went blank, her eyes wide.  Was 



there something off in my expression?  Was she frightened again?  She didnt speak. 



         Or, I could start, if you wish, I said quietly. 



         No, she said, and her face went from white to red again.  Ill go first. 



         I stared at the equipment on the table, the battered microscope, the box of slides, 



rather than watch the blood swirl under her clear skin.  I took another quick breath, 



through my teeth, and winced as the taste made my throat ache. 



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         Prophase, she said after a quick examination.  She started to remove the slide, 



though shed barely examined it. 



         Do you mind if I look?  Instinctivelystupidly, as if I were one of her kindI 



reached out to stop her hand from removing the slide.  For one second, the heat of her 



skin burned into mine.  It was like an electric pulsesurely much hotter than a mere 



ninety-eight point six degrees.  The heat shot through my hand and up my arm.  She 



yanked her hand out from under mine. 



         Im sorry, I muttered through my clenched teeth.  Needing somewhere to look, I 



grasped the microscope and stared briefly into the eyepiece.  She was right. 



         Prophase, I agreed. 



         I was still too unsettled to look at her.  Breathing as quietly as I could through my 



gritted teeth and trying to ignore the fiery thirst, I concentrated on the simple assignment, 



writing the word on the appropriate line on the lab sheet, and then switching out the first 



slide for the next. 



         What was she thinking now?  What had that felt like to her, when I had touched 



her hand?  My skin must have been ice coldrepulsive.  No wonder she was so quiet. 



         I glanced at the slide. 



         Anaphase, I said to myself as I wrote it on the second line. 



         May I? she asked. 



         I looked up at her, surprised to see that she was waiting expectantly, one hand 



half-stretched toward the microscope.  She didnt look afraid.  Did she really think Id 



gotten the answer wrong? 



         I couldnt help but smile at the hopeful look on her face as I slid the microscope 



toward her. 



         She stared into the eyepiece with an eagerness that quickly faded.  The corners of 



her mouth turned down. 



         Slide three? she asked, not looking up from the microscope, but holding out her 



hand.  I dropped the next slide into her hand, not letting my skin come anywhere close to 



hers this time.  Sitting beside her was like sitting next to a heat lamp.  I could feel myself 



warming slightly to the higher temperature. 



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         She did not look at the slide for long.  Interphase, she said nonchalantly 



perhaps trying a little too hard to sound that wayand pushed the microscope to me. 



She did not touch the paper, but waited for me to write the answer.  I checkedshe was 



correct again. 



         We finished this way, speaking one word at a time and never meeting each others 



eyes.  We were the only ones donethe others in the class were having a harder time 



with the lab.  Mike Newton seemed to be having trouble concentratinghe was trying to 



watch Bella and me. 



         Wish hed stayed wherever he went, Mike thought, eyeing me sulfurously.  Hmm, 



interesting.  I hadnt realized the boy harbored any ill will towards me.  This was a new 



development, about as recent as the girls arrival it seemed.  Even more interesting, I 



foundto my surprisethat the feeling was mutual. 



         I looked down at the girl again, bemused by the wide range of havoc and upheaval 



that, despite her ordinary, unthreatening appearance, she was wreaking on my life. 



         It wasnt that I couldnt see what Mike was going on about.  She was actually 



rather prettyin an unusual way.  Better than being beautiful, her face was interesting. 



Not quite symmetricalher narrow chin out of balance with her wide cheekbones; 



extreme in the coloringthe light and dark contrast of her skin and her hair; and then 



there were the eyes, brimming over with silent secrets 



         Eyes that were suddenly boring into mine. 



         I stared back at her, trying to guess even one of those secrets. 



         Did you get contacts? she asked abruptly. 



         What a strange question.  No.  I almost smiled at the idea of improving my 



eyesight. 



         Oh, she mumbled.  I thought there was something different about your eyes. 



         I felt suddenly colder again as I realized that I was apparently not the only one 



attempting to ferret out secrets today. 



         I shrugged, my shoulders stiff, and glared straight ahead to where the teacher was 



making his rounds. 



         Of course there was something different about my eyes since the last time shed 



stared into them.  To prepare myself for todays ordeal, todays temptation, Id spent the 



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entire weekend hunting, satiating my thirst as much as possible, overdoing it really.  Id 



glutted myself on the blood of animals, not that it made much difference in the face of the 



outrageous flavor floating on the air around her.  When Id glared at her last, my eyes had 



been black with thirst.  Now, my body swimming with blood, my eyes were a warmer 



gold.  Light amber from my excessive attempt at thirst-quenching. 



         Another slip.  If Id seen what shed meant with her question, I could have just 



told her yes. 



         Id sat beside humans for two years now at this school, and she was the first to 



examine me closely enough to note the change in my eye color.  The others, while 



admiring the beauty of my family, tended to look down quickly when we returned their 



stares.  They shied away, blocking the details of our appearances in an instinctive 



endeavor to keep themselves from understanding.  Ignorance was bliss to the human 



mind. 



         Why did it have to be this girl who would see too much? 



         Mr. Banner approached our table.  I gratefully inhaled the gush of clean air he 



brought with him before it could mix with her scent. 



         So, Edward, he said, looking over our answers, didnt you think Isabella 



should get a chance with the microscope? 



         Bella, I corrected him reflexively.  Actually, she identified three of the five. 



         Mr. Banners thoughts were skeptical as he turned to look at the girl.  Have you 



done this lab before? 



         I watched, engrossed, as she smiled, looking slightly embarrassed. 



         Not with onion root. 



         Whitefish blastula? Mr. Banner probed. 



         Yeah. 



         This surprised him.  Todays lab was something hed pulled from a more 



advanced course.  He nodded thoughtfully at the girl.  Were you in an advanced 



placement program in Phoenix? 



         Yes. 



         She was advanced then, intelligent for a human.  This did not surprise me. 



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         Well, Mr. Banner said, pursing his lips.  I guess its good you two are lab 



partners.  He turned and walked away mumbling, So the other kids can get a chance to 



learn something for themselves, under his breath.  I doubted the girl could hear that. 



She began scrawling loops across her folder again. 



         Two slips so far in one half hour.  A very poor showing on my part.  Though I had 



no idea at all what the girl thought of mehow much did she fear, how much did she 



suspect?I knew I needed to put forth a better effort to leave her with a new impression 



of me.  Something to better drown her memories of our ferocious last encounter. 



         Its too bad about the snow, isnt it? I said, repeating the small talk that Id 



heard a dozen students discuss already.  A boring, standard topic of conversation.  The 



weatheralways safe. 



         She stared at me with obvious doubt in her eyesan abnormal reaction to my 



very normal words.      Not really, she said, surprising me again. 



         I tried to steer the conversation back to trite paths.  She was from a much brighter, 



warmer placeher skin seemed to reflect that somehow, despite its fairnessand the 



cold must make her uncomfortable.  My icy touch certainly had 



          You dont like the cold, I guessed. 



         Or the wet, she agreed. 



         Forks must be a difficult place for you to live.  Perhaps you should not have 



come here, I wanted to add.  Perhaps you should go back where you belong. 



         I wasnt sure I wanted that, though.  I would always remember the scent of her 



bloodwas there any guarantee that I wouldnt eventually follow after her?  Besides, if 



she left, her mind would forever remain a mystery.  A constant, nagging puzzle. 



         You have no idea, she said in a low voice, glowering past me for a moment. 



         Her answers were never what I expected.  They made me want to ask more 



questions. 



         Why did you come here, then? I demanded, realizing instantly that my tone was 



too accusatory, not casual enough for the conversation.  The question sounded rude, 



prying. 



         Itscomplicated. 



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42 



         She blinked her wide eyes, leaving it at that, and I nearly imploded out of 



curiositythe curiosity burned as hot as the thirst in my throat.  Actually, I found that it 



was getting slightly easier to breathe; the agony was becoming more bearable through 



familiarity. 



         I think I can keep up, I insisted.  Perhaps common courtesy would keep her 



answering my questions as long as I was rude enough to ask them. 



         She stared down silently at her hands.  This made me impatient; I wanted to put 



my hand under her chin and tilt her head up so that I could read her eyes.  But it would be 



foolish of medangerousto touch her skin again. 



         She looked up suddenly.  It was a relief to be able to see the emotions in her eyes 



again.  She spoke in a rush, hurrying through the words. 



         My mother got remarried. 



         Ah, this was human enough, easy to understand.  Sadness passed through her 



clear eyes and brought the pucker back between them. 



         That doesnt sound so complex, I said.  My voice was gentle without my 



working to make it that way.  Her sadness left me feeling oddly helpless, wishing there 



was something I could do to make her feel better.  A strange impulse.  When did that 



happen? 



         Last September.  She exhaled heavilynot quite a sigh.  I held my breath as 



her warm breath brushed my face. 



         And you dont like him, I guessed, fishing for more information. 



         No, Phil is fine, she said, correcting my assumption.  There was a hint of a 



smile now around the corners of her full lips.  Too young, maybe, but nice enough. 



         This didnt fit with the scenario Id been constructing in my head. 



         Why didnt you stay with them? I asked, my voice a little too curious.  It 



sounded like I was being nosy.  Which I was, admittedly. 



         Phil travels a lot.  He plays ball for a living.  The little smile grew more 



pronounced; this career choice amused her. 



         I smiled, too, without choosing to.  I wasnt trying to make her feel at ease.  Her 



smile just made me want to smile in responseto be in on the secret. 



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         Have I heard of him?  I ran through the rosters of professional ball players in 



my head, wondering which Phil was hers 



         Probably not.  He doesnt play well.  Another smile.  Strictly minor league. 



He moves around a lot. 



         The rosters in my head shifted instantly, and Id tabulated a list of possibilities in 



less than a second.  At the same time, I was imagining the new scenario. 



         And your mother sent you here so that she could travel with him, I said. 



Making assumptions seemed to get more information out of her than questions did.  It 



worked again.  Her chin jutted out, and her expression was suddenly stubborn. 



         No, she did not send me here, she said, and her voice had a new, hard edge to it. 



My assumption had upset her, though I couldnt quite see how.  I sent myself. 



         I could not guess at her meaning, or the source behind her pique.  I was entirely 



lost. 



         So I gave up.  There was just no making sense of the girl.  She wasnt like other 



humans.  Maybe the silence of her thoughts and the perfume of her scent were not the 



only unusual things about her. 



         I dont understand, I admitted, hating to concede. 



         She sighed, and stared into my eyes for longer than most normal humans were 



able to stand. 



         She stayed with me at first, but she missed him, she explained slowly, her tone 



growing more forlorn with each word.  It made her unhappyso I decided it was time 



to spend some quality time with Charlie. 



         The tiny pucker between her eyes deepened. 



         But now youre unhappy, I murmured.  I couldnt seem to stop speaking my 



hypotheses aloud, hoping to learn from her reactions.  This one, however, did not seem as 



far off the mark. 



         And? she said, as if this was not even an aspect to be considered. 



         I continued to stare into her eyes, feeling that Id finally gotten my first real 



glimpse into her soul.  I saw in that one word where she ranked herself among her own 



priorities.  Unlike most humans, her own needs were far down the list. 



         She was selfless. 



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44 



         As I saw this, the mystery of the person hiding inside this quiet mind began to 



thin a little. 



         That doesnt seem fair, I said.  I shrugged, trying to seem casual, trying to 



conceal the intensity of my curiosity. 



         She laughed, but there was no amusement the sound.  Hasnt anyone ever told 



you?  Life isnt fair. 



         I wanted to laugh at her words, though I, too, felt no real amusement.  I knew a 



little something about the unfairness of life.  I believe I have heard that somewhere 



before. 



         She stared back at me, seeming confused again.  Her eyes flickered away, and 



then came back to mine. 



         So thats all, she told me. 



         But I was not ready to let this conversation end.  The little V between her eyes, a 



remnant of her sorrow, bothered me.  I wanted to smooth it away with my fingertip.  But, 



of course, I could not touch her.  It was unsafe in so many ways. 



         You put on a good show.  I spoke slowly, still considering this next hypothesis. 



But Id be willing to bet that youre suffering more than you let anyone see. 



         She made a face, her eyes narrowing and her mouth twisting into a lopsided pout, 



and she looked back towards the front of the class.  She didnt like it when I guessed 



right.  She wasnt the average martyrshe didnt want an audience to her pain. 



         Am I wrong? 



         She flinched slightly, but otherwise pretended not to hear me. 



         That made me smile.  I didnt think so. 



         Why does it matter to you? she demanded, still staring away. 



         Thats a very good question, I admitted, more to myself than to answer her. 



         Her discernment was better than mineshe saw right to the core of things while I 



floundered around the edges, sifting blindly through clues.  The details of her very human 



life should not matter to me. It was wrong for me to care what she thought.  Beyond 



protecting my family from suspicion, human thoughts were not significant. 



         I was not used to being the less intuitive of any pairing.  I relied on my extra 



hearing too muchI clearly was not as perceptive as I gave myself credit for. 



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         The girl sighed and glowered toward the front of the classroom.  Something about 



her frustrated expression was humorous.  The whole situation, the whole conversation 



was humorous.  No one had ever been in more danger from me than this little girlat 



any moment I might, distracted by my ridiculous absorption in the conversation, inhale 



through my nose and attack her before I could stop myselfand she was irritated because 



I hadnt answered her question. 



         Am I annoying you? I asked, smiling at the absurdity of it all. 



         She glanced at me quickly, and then her eyes seemed to get trapped by my gaze. 



         Not exactly, she told me.  Im more annoyed at myself.  My face is so easy to 



readmy mother always calls me her open book. 



         She frowned, disgruntled. 



         I stared at her in amazement.  The reason she was upset was because she thought I 



saw through her too easily.  How bizarre.  Id never expended so much effort to 



understand someone in all my lifeor rather existence, as life was hardly the right word. 



I did not truly have a life. 



         On the contrary, I disagreed, feeling strangelywary, as if there were some 



hidden danger here that I was failing to see.  I was suddenly on edge, the premonition 



making me anxious.  I find you very difficult to read. 



         You must be a good reader then, she guessed, making her own assumption that 



was, again, right on target. 



         Usually, I agreed. 



         I smiled at her widely then, letting my lips pull back to expose the rows of 



gleaming, razor sharp teeth behind them. 



         It was a stupid thing to do, but I was abruptly, unexpectedly desperate to get some 



kind of warning through to the girl.  Her body was closer to me than before, having 



shifted unconsciously in the course of our conversation.  All the little markers and signs 



that were sufficient to scare off the rest of humanity did not seem to be working on her. 



Why did she not cringe away from me in terror?  Surely she had seen enough of my 



darker side to realize the danger, intuitive as she seemed to be. 



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46 



         I didnt get to see if my warning had the intended effect.  Mr. Banner called for 



the classs attention just then, and she turned away from me at once.  She seemed a little 



relieved for the interruption, so maybe she understood unconsciously. 



         I hoped she did. 



         I recognized the fascination growing inside me, even as I tried to root it out.  I 



could not afford to find Bella Swan interesting.  Or rather, she could not afford that. 



Already, I was anxious for another chance to talk to her.  I wanted to know more about 



her mother, her life before she came here, her relationship with her father.  All the 



meaningless details that would flesh out her character further.  But every second I spent 



with her was a mistake, a risk she shouldnt have to take. 



         Absentmindedly, she tossed her thick hair just at the moment that I allowed 



myself another breath.  A particularly concentrated wave of her scent hit the back of my 



throat. 



         It was like the first daylike the wrecking ball.  The pain of the burning dryness 



made me dizzy.  I had to grasp the table again to keep myself in my seat.  This time I had 



slightly more control.  I didnt break anything, at least.  The monster growled inside me, 



but took no pleasure in my pain.  He was too tightly bound.  For the moment. 



         I stopped breathing altogether, and leaned as far from the girl as I could. 



         No, I could not afford to find her fascinating.  The more interesting I found her, 



the more likely it was that I would kill her.  Id already made two minor slips today. 



Would I make a third, one that was not minor? 



         As soon as the bell sounded, I fled from the classroomprobably destroying 



whatever impression of politeness Id halfway constructed in the course of the hour. 



Again, I gasped at the clean, wet air outside like it was a healing attar.  I hurried to put as 



much distance between myself and the girl as was possible. 



         Emmett waited for me outside the door of our Spanish class.  He read my wild 



expression for a moment. 



         How did it go? he wondered warily. 



         Nobody died, I mumbled. 



         I guess thats something.  When I saw Alice ditching there at the end, I thought 



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         As we walked into the classroom, I saw his memory from just a few moments 



ago, seen through the open door of his last class: Alice walking briskly and blank-faced 



across the grounds toward the science building.  I felt his remembered urge to get up and 



join her, and then his decision to stay.  If Alice needed his help, she would ask 



         I closed my eyes in horror and disgust as I slumped into my seat.  I hadnt 



realized that it was that close.  I didnt think I was going toI didnt see that it was that 



bad, I whispered. 



         It wasnt, he reassured me.  Nobody died, right? 



         Right, I said through my teeth.  Not this time. 



         Maybe it will get easier. 



         Sure. 



         Or, maybe you kill her.  He shrugged.         You wouldnt be the first one to mess up. 



No one wouldjudge you too harshly.  Sometimes a person just smells too good.  Im 



impressed youve lasted this long. 



         Not helping, Emmett. 



         I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl, that this was 



somehow inevitable.  Was it her fault that she smelled so good? 



         I know when it happened to me, he reminisced, taking me back with him half a 



century, to a country lane at dusk, where a middle-aged women was taking her dried 



sheets down from a line strung between apple trees.  The scent of apples hung heavy in 



the airthe harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground, the 



bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds.  A fresh-mowed field of 



hay was a background to that scent, a harmony.  He walked up the lane, all but oblivious 



to the woman, on an errand for Rosalie.  The sky was purple overhead, orange over the 



western trees.  He would have continued up the meandering cart path and there would 



have been no reason to remember the evening, except that a sudden night breeze blew the 



white sheets out like sails and fanned the womans scent across Emmetts face. 



         Ah, I groaned quietly.  As if my own remembered thirst was not enough. 



         I know.  I didnt last half a second.  I didnt even think about resisting. 



         His memory became far too explicit for me to stand. 



         I jumped to my feet, my teeth locked hard enough cut through steel. 



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         Esta bien, Edward? Senora Goff asked, startled by my sudden movement.  I 



could see my face in her mind, and I knew that I looked far from well. 



         Me perdona, I muttered, as I darted for the door. 



         Emmettpor favor, puedas tu ayuda a tu hermano? she asked, gesturing 



helplessly toward me as I rushed out of the room. 



         Sure, I heard him say.  And then he was right behind me. 



         He followed me to the far side of the building, where he caught up to me and put 



his hand on my shoulder. 



         I shoved his hand away with unnecessary force.  It would have shattered the 



bones in a human hand, and the bones in the arm attached to it. 



         Sorry, Edward. 



         I know.  I drew in deep gasps of air, trying to clear my head and my lungs. 



         Is it as bad as that? he asked, trying not to think of the scent and the flavor of 



his memory as he asked, and not quite succeeding. 



         Worse, Emmett, worse. 



         He was quiet for a moment. 



         Maybe 



         No, it would not be better if I got it over with.  Go back to class, Emmett.  I want 



to be alone. 



         He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away.  He would 



tell the Spanish teacher that I was sick, or ditching, or a dangerously out of control 



vampire.    Did his excuse really matter?  Maybe I wasnt coming back.  Maybe I had to 



leave. 



         I went to my car again, to wait for school to end.  To hide.  Again. 



         I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve, but, 



like an addict, I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating from 



the school buildings.  The familiar voices stood out, but I wasnt interested in listening to 



Alices visions or Rosalies complaints right now.  I found Jessica easily, but the girl was 



not with her, so I continued searching.  Mike Newtons thoughts caught my attention, and 



I located her at last, in gym with him.  He was unhappy, because Id spoken to her today 



in biology.  He was running over her response when hed brought the subject up 



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         Ive never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here or there. 



Of course he would decide to find Bella interesting.  I dont like the way he looks at her. 



But she didnt seem too excited about him.  What did she say?  Wonder what was with 



him last Monday.  Something like that.  Didnt sound like she cared.  It couldnt have 



been much of a conversation 



         He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way, cheered by the idea that Bella 



had not been interested in her exchange with me.  This annoyed me quite a bit more than 



was acceptable, so I stopped listening to him. 



         I put a CD of violent music into the stereo, and then turned it up until it drowned 



out other voices.  I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself from 



drifting back to Mike Newtons thoughts, to spy on the unsuspecting girl 



         I cheated a few times, as the hour drew to a close.  Not spying, I tried to convince 



myself.  I was just preparing.  I wanted to know exactly when she would leave the gym, 



when she would be in the parking lot.  I didnt want her to take me by surprise. 



         As the students started to file out of the gym doors, I got out of my car, not sure 



why I did it.  The rain was lightI ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair. 



         Did I want her to see me here?  Did I hope she would come to speak to me?  What 



was I doing? 



         I didnt move, though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car, knowing 



my behavior was reprehensible.  I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathed 



very shallowly as I watched her walk slowly toward me, her mouth turning down at the 



corners.  She didnt look at me.  A few times she glanced up at the clouds with a grimace, 



as if they offended her. 



         I was disappointed when she reached her car before she had to pass me.  Would 



she have spoken to me?  Would I have spoken to her? 



         She got into a faded red Chevy truck, a rusted behemoth that was older than her 



father.  I watched her start the truckthe old engine roared louder than any other vehicle 



in the lotand then hold her hands out toward the heating vents.  The cold was 



uncomfortable to hershe didnt like it.  She combed her fingers through her thick hair, 



pulling locks through the stream of hot air like she was trying to dry them.  I imagined 



what the cab of that truck would smell like, and then quickly drove out the thought. 



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         She glanced around as she prepared to back out, and finally looked in my 



direction.  She stared back at me for only half a second, and all I could read in her eyes 



was surprise before she tore her eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse.  And then 



squealed to a stop again, the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teagues 



compact by mere inches. 



         She stared into her rearview mirror, her mouth hanging open with chagrin.  When 



the other car had pulled past her, she checked all her blind spots twice and then inched 



out the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin.  It was like she thought she was 



dangerous in her decrepit truck. 



         The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone, no matter what she was 



driving, had me laughing while the girl drove past me, staring straight ahead. 



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                                           3. Phenomenon 



 Truly, I was not thirsty, but I decided to hunt again that night.  A small ounce of 



prevention, inadequate though I knew it to be. 



         Carlisle came with me; we hadnt been alone together since Id returned from 



 Denali.  As we ran through the black forest, I heard him thinking about that hasty 



 goodbye last week. 



         In his memory, I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair.  I 



 felt his surprise and sudden worry. 



          Edward? 



          I have to go, Carlisle.  I have to gonow. 



          Whats happened? 



          Nothing.  Yet.  But it will, if I stay. 



         Hed reached for my arm.  I felt how it had hurt him when Id cringed away from 



 his hand. 



          I dont understand. 



          Have you everhas there ever been a time 



         I watched myself take a deep breath, saw the wild light in my eyes through the 



 filter of his deep concern. 



          Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them?  Much 



 better? 



          Oh. 



         When Id known that he understood, my face had fallen with shame.  Hed 



 reached out to touch me, ignoring it when Id recoiled again, and left his hand on my 



 shoulder. 



          Do what you must to resist, son.  I will miss you.  Here, take my car.  Its 



faster. 



         He was wondering now if hed done the right thing then, sending me away. 



 Wondering if he hadnt hurt me with his lack of trust. 



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52 



         No, I whispered as I ran.  That was what I needed.  I might so easily have 



betrayed that trust, if youd told me to stay. 



         Im sorry youre suffering, Edward.  But you should do what you can to keep the 



Swan child alive.  Even if it means that you must leave us again. 



         I know, I know. 



         Why did you come back?  You know how happy I am to have you here, but if 



this is too difficult 



         I didnt like feeling a coward, I admitted. 



         Wed slowedwe were barely jogging through the darkness now. 



         Better that than to put her in danger.  Shell be gone in a year or two. 



         Youre right, I know that.  Contrarily, though, his words only made me more 



anxious to stay.  The girl would be gone in a year or two 



         Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him; he turned to examine my 



expression. 



         But youre not going to run, are you? 



         I hung my head. 



         Is it pride, Edward?  Theres no shame in 



         No, it isnt pride that keeps me here.  Not now. 



         Nowhere to go? 



         I laughed shortly.  No.  That wouldnt stop me, if I could make myself leave. 



         Well come with you, of course, if thats what you need.  You only have to ask. 



Youve moved on without complaint for the rest of them.  They wont begrudge you 



this. 



         I raised one eyebrow. 



         He laughed.  Yes, Rosalie might, but she owes you.  Anyway, its much better 



for us to leave now, no damage done, than for us to leave later, after a life has been 



ended.   All humor was gone by the end. 



         I flinched at his words. 



         Yes, I agreed.  My voice sounded hoarse. 



         But youre not leaving? 



         I sighed.  I should. 



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         What holds you here, Edward?  Im failing to see 



         I dont know if I can explain.  Even to myself, it made no sense. 



         He measured my expression for a long moment. 



         No, I do not see.  But I will respect your privacy, if you prefer. 



         Thank you.  Its generous of you, seeing as how I give privacy to no one.  With 



one exception.  And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that, wasnt I? 



         We all have our quirks.  He laughed again.         Shall we? 



         Hed just caught the scent of a small herd of deer.  It was hard to rally much 



enthusiasm for what was, even under the best of circumstances, a less than 



mouthwatering aroma.  Right now, with the memory of the girls blood fresh in my mind, 



the smell actually turned my stomach. 



         I sighed.  Lets, I agreed, though I knew that forcing more blood down my 



throat would help so little. 



         We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us 



silently forward. 



It was colder when we returned home.  The melted snow had refrozen; it was as if a thin 



sheet of glass covered everythingeach pine needle, each fern frond, each blade of grass 



was iced over. 



         While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital, I stayed by the 



river, waiting for the sun to rise.  I felt almost swollen from the amount of blood Id 



consumed, but I knew the lack of actual thirst would mean little when I sat beside the girl 



again. 



         Cool and motionless as the stone I sat on, I stared at the dark water running beside 



the icy bank, stared right through it. 



         Carlisle was right.  I should leave Forks.  They could spread some story to explain 



my absence.  Boarding school in Europe.  Visiting distant relatives.  Teenage runaway. 



The story didnt matter.  No one would question too intensely. 



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54 



         It was just a year or two, and then the girl would disappear.  She would go on with 



her lifeshe would have a life to go on with.  Shed go to college somewhere, get older, 



start a career, perhaps marry someone.  I could picture thatI could see the girl dressed 



all in white and walking at a measured pace, her arm through her fathers. 



         It was odd, the pain that image caused me.  I couldnt understand it.  Was I 



jealous, because she had a future that I could never have?  That made no sense.  Every 



one of the humans around me had that same potential ahead of thema lifeand I rarely 



stopped to envy them. 



         I should leave her to her future.  Stop risking her life.  That was the right thing to 



do.  Carlisle always chose the right way.  I should listen to him now. 



         The sun rose behind the clouds, and the faint light glistened off all the frozen 



glass. 



         One more day, I decided.  I would see her one more time.  I could handle that. 



Perhaps I would mention my pending disappearance, set the story up. 



         This was going to be difficult; I could feel that in the heavy reluctance that was 



already making me think of excuses to stayto extend the deadline to two days, three, 



four  But I would do the right thing.  I knew I could trust Carlisles advice.  And I also 



knew that I was too conflicted to make the right decision alone. 



         Much too conflicted.  How much of this reluctance came from my obsessive 



curiosity, and how much came from my unsatisfied appetite? 



         I went inside to change into fresh clothes for school. 



         Alice was waiting for me, sitting on the top step at the edge of the third floor. 



         Youre leaving again, she accused me. 



         I sighed and nodded. 



         I cant see where youre going this time. 



         I dont know where Im going yet, I whispered. 



         I want you to stay. 



         I shook my head. 



         Maybe Jazz and I could come with you? 



         Theyll need you all the more, if Im not here to watch out for them.  And think 



of Esme.  Would you take half her family away in one blow? 



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         Youre going to make her so sad. 



         I know.  Thats why you have to stay. 



         Thats not the same as having you here, and you know it. 



         Yes.  But I have to do whats right. 



         There are many right ways, and many wrong ways, though, arent there? 



         For a brief moment she was swept away into one of her strange visions; I watched 



along with her as the indistinct images flickered and whirled.  I saw myself mixed in with 



strange shadows that I couldnt make outhazy, imprecise forms.  And then, suddenly, 



my skin was glittering in the bright sunlight of a small open meadow.  This was a place I 



knew.  There was a figure in the meadow with me, but, again, it was indistinct, not there 



enough to recognize.  The images shivered and disappeared as a million tiny choices 



rearranged the future again. 



         I didnt catch much of that, I told her when the vision went dark. 



         Me either.  Your future is shifting around so much I cant keep up with any of it.             I 



think, though 



         She stopped, and she flipped through a vast collection of other recent visions for 



me.  They were all the sameblurry and vague. 



         I think something is changing, though, she said out loud.  Your life seems to be 



at a crossroads. 



         I laughed grimly.  You do realize that you sound like a bogus gypsy at a carnival 



now, right? 



         She stuck her tiny tongue out at me. 



         Today is all right, though, isnt it? I asked, my voice abruptly apprehensive. 



         I dont see you killing anyone today, she assured me. 



         Thanks, Alice. 



         Go get dressed.  I wont say anythingIll let you tell the others when youre 



ready. 



         She stood and darted back down the stairs, her shoulders hunched slightly.  Miss 



you.  Really. 



         Yes, I would really miss her, too. 



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56 



         It was a quiet ride to school.  Jasper could tell that Alice was upset about 



something, but he knew that if she wanted to talk about it she would have done so 



already.  Emmett and Rosalie were oblivious, having another of their moments, gazing 



into each others eyes with wonderit was rather disgusting to watch from the outside. 



We were all quite aware how desperately in love they were.  Or maybe I was just being 



bitter because I was the only one alone.  Some days it was harder than others to live with 



three sets of perfectly matched lovers.  This was one of them. 



         Maybe they would all be happier without me hanging around, ill-tempered and 



belligerent as the old man I should be by now. 



         Of course, the first thing I did when we reached the school was to look for the 



girl.  Just preparing myself again. 



         Right. 



         It was embarrassing how my world suddenly seemed to be empty of everything 



but hermy whole existence centered around the girl, rather than around myself 



anymore. 



         It was easy enough to understand, though, really; after eighty years of the same 



thing every day and every night, any change became a point of absorption. 



         She had not yet arrived, but could I hear the thunderous chugging of her trucks 



engine in the distance.  I leaned against the side of the car to wait.  Alice stayed with me, 



while the others went straight to class.  They were bored with my fixationit was 



incomprehensible to them how any human could hold my interest for so long, no matter 



how delicious she smelled. 



         The girl drove slowly into view, her eyes intent on the road and her hands tight on 



the wheel.  She seemed anxious about something.  It took me a second to figure out what 



that something was, to realize that every human wore the same expression today.  Ah, the 



road was slick with ice, and they were all trying to drive more carefully.  I could see she 



was taking the added risk seriously. 



         That seemed in line with what little I had learned of her character.  I added this to 



my small list: she was a serious person, a responsible person. 



         She parked not too far from me, but she hadnt noticed me standing here yet, 



staring at her.  I wondered what she would do when she did?  Blush and walk away? 



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That was my first guess.  But maybe she would stare back.  Maybe she would come to 



talk to me. 



         I took a deep breath, filling my lungs hopefully, just in case. 



         She got out of the truck with care, testing the slick ground before she put her 



weight on it.  She didnt look up, and that frustrated me.  Maybe I would go talk to her 



         No, that would be wrong. 



         Instead of turning toward the school, she made her way to the rear of her truck, 



clinging to the side of the truck bed in a droll way, not trusting her footing.  It made me 



smile, and I felt Alices eyes on my face.  I didnt listen to whatever this made her 



thinkI was having too much fun watching the girl check her snow chains.  She actually 



looked in some danger of falling, the way her feet were sliding around.  No one else was 



having troublehad she parked in the worst of the ice? 



         She paused there, staring down with a strange expression on her face.  It 



wastender?  As if something about the tire was making heremotional? 



         Again, the curiosity ached like a thirst.  It was as if I had to know what she was 



thinkingas if nothing else mattered. 



         I would go talk to her.  She looked like she could use a hand anyway, at least until 



she was off the slick pavement.  Of course, I couldnt offer her that, could I?  I hesitated, 



torn.  As adverse as she seemed to be to snow, she would hardly welcome the touch of 



my cold white hand.  I should have worn gloves 



         NO! Alice gasped aloud. 



         Instantly, I scanned her thoughts, guessing at first that I had made a poor choice 



and she saw me doing something inexcusable.  But it had nothing to do with me at all. 



         Tyler Crowley had chosen to take the turn into the parking lot at an injudicious 



speed.  This choice would send him skidding across a patch of ice 



         The vision came just half a second before the reality.  Tylers van rounded the 



corner as I was still watching the conclusion that had pulled the horrified gasp through 



Alices lips. 



         No, this vision had nothing to do with me, and yet it had everything to do with 



me, because Tylers vanthe tires right now hitting the ice at the worst possible angle 



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was going to spin across the lot and crush the girl who had become the uninvited focal 



point of my world. 



         Even without Alices foresight it would have been simple enough to read the 



trajectory of the vehicle, flying out of Tylers control. 



         The girl, standing in the exactly wrong place at the back of her truck, looked up, 



bewildered by the sound of the screeching tires.  She looked straight into my horror- 



struck eyes, and then turned to watch her approaching death. 



         Not her!   The words shouted in my head as if they belonged to someone else. 



         Still locked into Alices thoughts, I saw the vision suddenly shift, but I had no 



time to see what the outcome would be. 



         I launched myself across the lot, throwing myself between the skidding van and 



the frozen girl.  I moved so fast that everything was a streaky blur except for the object of 



my focus.  She didnt see meno human eyes could have followed my flightstill 



staring at the hulking shape that was about to grind her body into the metal frame of her 



truck. 



         I caught her around the waist, moving with too much urgency to be as gentle as 



she would need me to be.  In the hundredth of a second between the time that I yanked 



her slight form out of the path of death and the time that I crashed into to the ground with 



her in my arms, I was vividly aware of her fragile, breakable body. 



         When I heard her head crack against the ice, it felt like I had turned to ice, too. 



         But I didnt even have a full second to ascertain her condition.  I heard the van 



behind us, grating and squealing as it twisted around the sturdy iron body of the girls 



truck.  It was changing course, arcing, coming for her againlike she was a magnet, 



pulling it toward us. 



         A word Id never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched 



teeth. 



         I had already done too much.  As Id nearly flown through the air to push her out 



of the way, Id been fully aware of the mistake I was making.  Knowing that it was a 



mistake did not stop me, but I was not oblivious to the risk I was takingtaking, not just 



for myself, but for my entire family. 



         Exposure. 



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         And this certainly wasnt going to help, but there was no way I was going to 



allow the van to succeed in its second attempt to take her life. 



         I dropped her and threw my hands out, catching the van before it could touch the 



girl.  The force of it hurled me back into the car parked beside her truck, and I could feel 



its frame buckle behind my shoulders.  The van shuddered and shivered against the 



unyielding obstacle of my arms, and then swayed, balancing unstably on the two far tires. 



         If I moved my hands, the back tire of the van was going fall onto her legs. 



         Oh, for the love of all that was holy, would the catastrophes never end?  Was there 



anything else that could go wrong?  I could hardly sit here, holding the van in the air, and 



wait for rescue.  Nor could I throw the van awaythere was the driver to consider, his 



thoughts incoherent with panic. 



         With an internal groan, I shoved the van so that it rocked away from us for an 



instant.  As it fell back toward me, I caught it under the frame with my right hand while I 



wrapped my left arm around the girls waist again and drug her out from under the van, 



pulling her tight up against my side.  Her body moved limply as I swung her around so 



that her legs would be in the clearwas she conscious?  How much damage had I done 



to her in my impromptu rescue attempt? 



         I let the van drop, now that it could not hurt her.  It crashed to the pavement, all 



the windows shattering in unison. 



         I knew that I was in the middle of a crisis.  How much had she seen?  Had any 



other witnesses watched me materialize at her side and then juggle the van while I tried to 



keep her out from under it?  These questions should be my biggest concern. 



         But I was too anxious to really care about the threat of exposure as much as I 



should.  Too panic-stricken that I might have injured her myself in my effort to protect 



her.  Too frightened to have her this close to me, knowing what I would smell if I allowed 



myself to inhale.  Too aware of the heat of her soft body, pressed against mineeven 



through the double obstacle of our jackets, I could feel that heat 



         The first fear was the greatest fear.  As the screaming of the witnesses erupted 



around us, I leaned down to examine her face, to see if she was conscioushoping 



fiercely that she was not bleeding anywhere. 



         Her eyes were open, staring in shock. 



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         Bella? I asked urgently.  Are you all right? 



         Im fine.  She said the words automatically in a dazed voice. 



         Relief, so exquisite it was nearly pain, washed through me at the sound of her 



voice.  I sucked in a breath through my teeth, and did not mind the accompanying burn in 



my throat.  I almost welcomed it. 



         She struggled to sit up, but I was not ready to release her.  It felt 



somehowsafer?  Better, at least, having her tucked into my side. 



         Be careful, I warned her.  I think you hit your head pretty hard. 



         There had been no smell of fresh blooda mercy, thatbut this did not rule out 



internal damage.  I was abruptly anxious to get her to Carlisle and a full compliment of 



radiology equipment. 



         Ow, she said, her tone comically shocked as she realized I was right about her 



head. 



         Thats what I thought.  Relief made it funny to me, made me almost giddy. 



         How in the  Her voice trailed off, and her eyelids fluttered.  How did you 



get over here so fast? 



         The relief turned sour, the humor vanished.  She had noticed too much. 



         Now that it appeared that the girl was in decent shape, the anxiety for my family 



became severe. 



         I was standing right next to you, Bella.  I knew from experience that if I was 



very confident as I lied, it made any questioner less sure of the truth. 



         She struggled to move again, and this time I allowed it.  I needed to breathe so 



that I could play my role correctly.  I needed space from her warm-blooded heat so that it 



would not combine with her scent to overwhelm me.  I slid away from her, as far as was 



possible in the small space between the wrecked vehicles. 



         She stared up at me, and I stared back.  To look away first was a mistake only an 



incompetent liar would make, and I was not an incompetent liar.  My expression was 



smooth, benign  It seemed to confuse her.  That was good. 



         The accident scene was surrounded now.  Mostly students, children, peering and 



pushing through the cracks to see if any mangled bodies were visible.  There was a 



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babble of shouting and a gush of shocked thought.  I scanned the thoughts once to make 



sure there were no suspicions yet, and then tuned it out and concentrated only on the girl. 



         She was distracted by the bedlam.  She glanced around, her expression still 



stunned, and tried to get to her feet. 



         I put my hand lightly on her shoulder to hold her down. 



         Just stay put for now.  She seemed alright, but should she really be moving her 



neck?  Again, I wished for Carlisle.  My years of theoretical medical study were no match 



for his centuries of hands-on medical practice. 



         But its cold, she objected. 



         She had almost been crushed to death two distinct times and crippled one more, 



and it was the cold that worried her.  A chuckle slid through my teeth before I could 



remember that the situation was not funny. 



         Bella blinked, and then her eyes focused on my face.  You were over there. 



         That sobered me again. 



         She glanced toward the south, though there was nothing to see now but the 



crumpled side of the van.  You were by your car. 



         No, I wasnt. 



         I saw you, she insisted; her voice was childlike when she was being stubborn. 



Her chin jutted out. 



         Bella, I was standing with you, and I pulled you out of the way. 



         I stared deeply into her wide eyes, trying to will her into accepting my version 



the only rational version on the table. 



         Her jaw set.  No. 



         I tried to stay calm, to not panic.  If only I could keep her quiet for a few 



moments, to give me a chance to destroy the evidence.and undermine her story by 



disclosing her head injury. 



         Shouldnt it be easy to keep this silent, secretive girl quiet?  If only she would 



trust me, just for a few moments 



         Please, Bella, I said, and my voice was too intense, because I suddenly wanted 



her to trust me.  Wanted it badly, and not just in regards to this accident.  A stupid desire. 



What sense would it make for her to trust me? 



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         Why? she asked, still defensive. 



         Trust me, I pleaded. 



         Will you promise to explain everything to me later? 



         It made me angry to have to lie to her again, when I so much wished that I could 



somehow deserve her trust.  So, when I answered her, it was a retort. 



         Fine. 



         Fine, she echoed in the same tone. 



         While the rescue attempt began around usadults arriving, authorities called, 



sirens in the distanceI tried to ignore the girl and get my priorities in the right order.  I 



searched through every mind in the lot, the witnesses and the latecomers both, but I could 



find nothing dangerous.  Many were surprised to see me here beside Bella, but all 



concludedas there was no other possible conclusionthat they had just not noticed me 



standing by the girl before the accident. 



         She was the only one who didnt accept the easy explanation, but she would be 



considered the least reliable witness.  She had been frightened, traumatized, not to 



mention sustaining the blow to the head.  Possibly in shock.  It would be acceptable for 



her story to be confused, wouldnt it?  No one would give it much credence above so 



many other spectators 



         I winced when I caught the thoughts of Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett, just arriving 



on the scene.  There would be hell to pay for this tonight. 



         I wanted to iron out the indention my shoulders had made against the tan car, but 



the girl was too close.  Id have to wait till she was distracted. 



         It was frustrating to waitso many eyes on meas the humans struggled with 



the van, trying to pull it away from us.  I might have helped them, just to speed the 



process, but I was already in enough trouble and the girl had sharp eyes.  Finally, they 



were able to shift it far enough away for the EMTs to get to us with their stretchers. 



         A familiar, grizzled face appraised me. 



         Hey, Edward, Brett Warner said.  He was also a registered nurse, and I knew 



him well from the hospital.  It was a stroke of luckthe only luck todaythat he was the 



first through to us.  In his thoughts, he was noting that I looked alert and calm.  You 



okay, kid? 



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         Perfect, Brett.  Nothing touched me.  But Im afraid Bella here might have a 



concussion.  She really hit her head when I yanked her out of the way 



         Brett turned his attention to the girl, who shot me a fierce look of betrayal.  Oh, 



that was right.  She was the quiet martyrshed prefer to suffer in silence. 



         She did not contradict my story immediately, though, and this made me feel 



easier. 



         The next EMT tried to insist that I allow myself to be treated, but it wasnt too 



difficult to dissuade him.  I promised I would let my father examine me, and he let it go. 



With most humans, speaking with cool assurance was all that was needed.  Most humans, 



just not the girl, of course.  Did she fit into any of the normal patterns? 



         As they put a neck brace on herand her face flushed scarlet with 



embarrassmentI used the moment of distraction to quietly rearrange the shape of the 



dent in the tan car with the back of my foot.  Only my siblings noticed what I was doing, 



and I heard Emmetts mental promise to catch anything I missed. 



         Grateful for his helpand more grateful that Emmett, at least, had already 



forgiven my dangerous choiceI was more relaxed as I climbed into the front seat of the 



ambulance next to Brett. 



         The chief of police arrived before they had gotten Bella into the back of the 



ambulance. 



         Though Bellas fathers thoughts were past words, the panic and concern 



emanating out of the mans mind drown out just about every other thought in the vicinity. 



Wordless anxiety and guilt, a great swell of them, washed out of him as he saw his only 



daughter on the gurney. 



         Washed out of him and through me, echoing and growing stronger.  When Alice 



had warned me that killing Charlie Swans daughter would kill him, too, she had not been 



exaggerating. 



         My head bowed with that guilt as I listened to his panicked voice. 



         Bella! he shouted. 



         Im completely fine, CharDad.  She sighed.  Theres nothing wrong with 



me. 



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         Her assurance barely soothed his dread.         He turned at once to the closest EMT and 



demanded more information. 



         I wasnt until I heard him speaking, forming perfectly coherent sentences despite 



his panic, that I realized that his anxiety and concern were not wordless.  I justcould 



not hear the exact words. 



         Hmm.  Charlie Swan was not as silent as his daughter, but I could see where she 



got it from.  Interesting. 



         Id never spent much time around the towns police chief.  Id always taken him 



for a man of slow thoughtnow I realized that I was the one who was slow.  His 



thoughts were partially concealed, not absent.  I could only make out the tenor, the tone 



of them 



         I wanted to listen harder, to see if I could find in this new, lesser puzzle the key to 



the girls secrets.  But Bella was loaded into the back by then, and the ambulance was on 



its way. 



         It was hard to tear myself away from this possible solution to the mystery that had 



come to obsess me.  But I had to think nowto look at what had been done today from 



every angle.  I had to listen, to make sure that I had not put us all in so much danger that 



we would have to leave immediately.  I had to concentrate. 



         There was nothing in the thoughts of the EMTs to worry me.  As far as they could 



tell, there was nothing seriously wrong with the girl.  And Bella was sticking to the story 



Id provided, thus far. 



         The first priority, when we reached the hospital, was to see Carlisle.  I hurried 



through the automatic doors, but I was unable to totally forgo watching after Bella; I kept 



an eye on her through the paramedics thoughts. 



         It was easy to find my fathers familiar mind.  He was in his small office, all 



alonethe second stroke of luck in this luckless day. 



         Carlisle. 



         Hed heard my approach, and he was alarmed as soon as he saw my face.  He 



jumped to his feet, his face paling to bone white.  He leaned forward across the neatly 



organized walnut desk. 



         Edwardyou didnt 



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         No, no, its not that. 



         He took deep breath.      Of course not.  Im sorry I entertained the thought.  Your 



eyes, of course, I should have known  He noted my still-golden eyes with relief. 



         Shes hurt, though, Carlisle, probably not seriously, but 



         What happened? 



         A stupid car accident.  She was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  But I 



couldnt just stand therelet it crush her 



         Start over, I dont understand.  How were you involved? 



         A van skidded across the ice, I whispered.  I stared at the wall behind him while 



I spoke.  Instead of a throng of framed diplomas, he had one simple oil paintinga 



favorite of his, an undiscovered Hassam.  She was in the way.  Alice saw it coming, but 



there wasnt time to do anything but really run across the lot and shove her out of the 



way.  No one noticedexcept for her.  I had to stop the van, too, but again, nobody saw 



thatbesides her.  ImIm sorry Carlisle.  I didnt mean to put us in danger. 



         He circled the desk and put his hand on my shoulder. 



         You did the right thing.  And it couldnt have been easy for you.  Im proud of you, 



Edward. 



         I could look him in the eye then.  She knows theres somethingwrong with 



me. 



         That doesnt matter.  If we have to leave, we leave.  What has she said? 



         I shook my head, a little frustrated.  Nothing yet. 



         Yet? 



         She agreed to my version of eventsbut shes expecting an explanation. 



         He frowned, pondering this. 



         She hit her headwell, I did that, I continued quickly.  I knocked her to the 



ground fairly hard.     She seems fine, but  I dont think it will take much to discredit her 



account. 



         I felt like a cad just saying the words. 



         Carlisle heard the distaste in my voice.  Perhaps that wont be necessary.  Lets 



see what happens, shall we?  It sounds like I have a patient to check on. 



         Please, I said.  Im so worried that I hurt her. 



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         Carlisles expression brightened.  He smoothed his fair hairjust a few shades 



lighter than his golden eyesand he laughed. 



         Its been an interesting day for you, hasnt it?       In his mind, I could see the irony, 



and it was humorous, at least to him.  Quite the reversal of roles.  Somewhere during that 



short thoughtless second when Id sprinted across the icy lot, I had transformed from 



killer to protector. 



         I laughed with him, remembering how sure Id been that Bella would never need 



protecting from anything more than myself.  There was an edge to my laugh because, van 



notwithstanding, that was still entirely true. 



I waited alone in Carlisles officeone of the longer hours I had ever livedlistening to 



the hospital full of thoughts. 



         Tyler Crowley, the vans driver, looked to be hurt worse than Bella, and the 



attention shifted to him while she waited her turn to be X-rayed.  Carlisle kept in the 



background, trusting the PAs diagnosis that the girl was only slightly injured.  This made 



me anxious, but I knew he was right.  One glance at his face and she would be 



immediately reminded of me, of the fact that there was something not right about my 



family, and that might set her talking. 



         She certainly had a willing enough partner to converse with.  Tyler was consumed 



with guilt over the fact that he had almost killed her, and he couldnt seem to shut up 



about it.  I could see her expression through his eyes, and it was clear that she wished he 



would stop.  How did he not see that? 



         There was a tense moment for me when Tyler asked her how shed gotten out of 



the way. 



         I waited, not breathing, as she hesitated. 



         Um... he heard her say.  Then she paused for so long that Tyler wondered if his 



question had confused her.  Finally, she went on.          Edward pulled me out of the way. 



         I exhaled.  And then my breathing accelerated.  Id never heard her speak my 



name before.  I like the way it soundedeven just hearing it through Tylers thoughts.                 I 



wanted to hear it for myself 



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         Edward Cullen,she said, when Tyler didnt realize who she meant.  I found 



myself at the door, my hand on the knob.  The desire to see her was growing stronger.  I 



had to remind myself of the need for caution. 



         He was standing next to me. 



         Cullen?  Huh.  Thats weird.  I didnt see him.  I could have sworn Wow, 



it was all so fast, I guess.  Is he okay? 



         I think so.  Hes here somewhere, but they didnt make him use a stretcher. 



         I saw the thoughtful look on her face, the suspicious tightening of her eyes, but 



these little changes in her expression were lost on Tyler. 



         Shes pretty, he was thinking, almost in surprise.  Even all messed up.  Not my 



usual type, still  I should take her out.  Make up for today 



         I was out in the hall, then, halfway to the emergency room, without thinking for 



one second about what I was doing.  Luckily, the nurse entered the room before I could 



it was Bellas turn for X-rays.  I leaned against the wall in a dark nook just around the 



corner, and tried to get a grip on myself while she was wheeled away. 



         It didnt matter that Tyler thought she was pretty.  Anyone would notice that. 



There was no reason for me to feelhow did I feel?  Annoyed?  Or was angry closer to 



the truth?  That made no sense at all. 



         I stayed where I was for as long as I could, but impatience got the best of me and I 



took a back way around to the radiology room.  Shed already been moved back to the 



ER, but I was able to take a peek at her x-rays while the nurses back was turned. 



         I felt calmer when I had.  Her head was fine.  I hadnt hurt her, not really. 



         Carlisle caught me there. 



         You look better, he commented. 



         I just looked straight ahead.  We werent alone, the halls full of orderlies and 



visitors. 



         Ah, yes.  He stuck her x-rays to the lightboard, but I didnt need a second look.  I 



see.  Shes absolutely fine.  Well done, Edward. 



         The sound of my fathers approval created a mixed reaction in me.  I would have 



been pleased, except that I knew that he would not approve of what I was going to do 



now.  At least, he would not approve if he knew my real motivations 



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         I think Im going to go talk to herbefore she sees you, I murmured under my 



breath.  Act natural, like nothing happened.  Smooth it over.  All acceptable reasons. 



         Carlisle nodded absently, still looking over the x-rays.  Good idea.  Hmm. 



         I looked to see what had his interest. 



         Look at all the healed contusions!  How many times did her mother drop her? 



Carlisle laughed to himself at his joke. 



         Im beginning to think the girl just has really bad luck.  Always in the wrong 



place at the wrong time. 



         Forks is certainly the wrong place for her, with you here. 



         I flinched. 



         Go ahead.  Smooth things over.         Ill join you momentarily. 



         I walked away quickly, feeling guilty.  Perhaps I was too good a liar, if I could 



fool Carlisle. 



         When I got to the ER, Tyler was mumbling under his breath, still apologizing. 



The girl was trying to escape his remorse by pretending to sleep.  Her eyes were closed, 



but her breathing was not even, and now and then her fingers would twitch impatiently. 



         I stared at her face for a long moment.  This was the last time I would see her. 



That fact triggered an acute aching in my chest.  Was it because I hated to leave any 



puzzle unsolved?  That did not seem like enough of an explanation. 



         Finally, I took a deep breath and moved into view. 



         When Tyler saw me, he started to speak, but I put one finger to my lips. 



         Is she sleeping? I murmured. 



         Bellas eyes snapped open and focused on my face. They widened momentarily, 



and then narrowed in anger or suspicion.  I remembered that I had a role to play, so I 



smiled at her as if nothing unusual had happened this morningbesides a blow to her 



head and a bit of imagination run wild. 



         Hey, Edward, Tyler said.  Im really sorry 



         I raised one hand to halt his apology.  No blood, no foul, I said wryly.  Without 



thinking, I smiled too widely at my private joke. 



         It was amazingly easy to ignore Tyler, lying no more than four feet from me, 



covered in fresh blood.  Id never understood how Carlisle was able to do thatignore 



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the blood of his patients in order to treat them.  Wouldnt the constant temptation be so 



distracting, so dangerous?  But, now I could see how, if you were focusing on 



something else hard enough, the temptation was be nothing at all. 



         Even fresh and exposed, Tylers blood had nothing on Bellas. 



         I kept my distance from her, seating myself on the foot of Tylers mattress. 



         So, whats the verdict? I asked her. 



         Her lower lip pushed out a little.  Theres nothing wrong with me at all, but they 



wont let me go.  How come you arent strapped to a gurney like the rest of us? 



         Her impatience made me smile again. 



         I could hear Carlisle in the hall now. 



         Its all about who you know, I said lightly.  But dont worry, I came to spring 



you. 



         I watched her reaction carefully as my father entered the room.  Her eyes widened 



and her mouth actually fell open in surprise.  I groaned internally.  Yes, shed certainly 



noticed the resemblance. 



         So, Miss Swan, how are you feeling? Carlisle asked.  He had a wonderfully 



soothing beside manner that put most patients at ease within moments.  I couldnt tell 



how it affected Bella. 



         Im fine, she said quietly. 



         Carlisle clipped her X-rays to the lightboard by the bed.  Your X-rays look good. 



Does your head hurt?  Edward said you hit it pretty hard. 



         She sighed, and said, Im fine, again, but this time impatience leaked into her 



voice.  Then she glowered once in my direction. 



         Carlisle stepped closer to her and ran his fingers gently over her scalp until he 



found the bump under her hair. 



         I was caught off guard by the wave of emotion that crashed over me. 



         I had seen Carlisle work with humans a thousand times.  Years ago, I had even 



assisted him informallythough only in situations where blood was not involved.  So it 



wasnt a new thing to me, to watch him interact with the girl as if he were as human as 



she was.  Id envied his control many times, but that was not the same as this emotion.  I 



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envied him more than his control.  I ached for the difference between Carlisle and me 



that he could touch her so gently, without fear, knowing he would never harm her 



         She winced, and I twitched in my seat.  I had to concentrate for a moment to keep 



my relaxed posture. 



         Tender? Carlisle asked. 



         Her chin jerked up a fraction.  Not really, she said. 



         Another small piece of her character fell into place: she was brave.  She didnt 



like to show weakness. 



         Possibly the most vulnerable creature Id ever seen, and she didnt want to seem 



weak.  A chuckle slid through my lips. 



         She shot another glare at me. 



         Well, Carlisle said.  Your father is in the waiting roomyou can go home 



with him now.  But come back if you feel dizzy or have trouble with your eyesight at all. 



         Her father was here?  I swept through the thoughts in the crowded waiting room, 



but I couldnt pick his subtle mental voice out of the group before she was speaking 



again, her face anxious. 



         Cant I go back to school? 



         Maybe you should take it easy today, Carlisle suggested. 



         Her eyes flickered back to me.  Does he get to go to school? 



         Act normal, smooth things overignore the way it feels when she looks me in the 



eye 



         Someone has to spread the good news that we survived, I said. 



         Actually, Carlisle corrected, most of the school seems to be in the waiting 



room. 



         I anticipated her reaction this timeher aversion to attention.  She didnt 



disappoint. 



         Oh no, she moaned, and she put her hands over her face. 



         I liked that Id finally guessed right.  I was beginning to understand her 



         Do you want to stay? Carlisle asked. 



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         No, no! she said quickly, swinging her legs over the side of the mattress and 



sliding down till her feet were on the floor.  She stumbled forward, off-balance, into 



Carlisles arms.  He caught and steadied her. 



         Again, the envy flooded through me. 



         Im fine, she said before he could comment, faint pink in her cheeks. 



         Of course, that wouldnt bother Carlisle.  He made sure she was balanced, and 



then dropped his hands. 



         Take some Tylenol for the pain, he instructed. 



         It doesnt hurt that bad. 



         Carlisle smiled as he signed her chart.  It sounds like you were extremely lucky. 



         She turned her face slightly, to stare at me with hard eyes.  Lucky Edward 



happened to be standing next to me. 



         Oh, well, yes, Carlisle agreed quickly, hearing the same thing in her voice that I 



heard.   She hadnt written her suspicions off as imagination.  Not yet. 



         All yours, Carlisle thought.  Handle it as you think best. 



         Thanks so much, I whispered, quick and quiet.  Neither human heard me. 



Carlisles lips turned up a tiny bit at my sarcasm as he turned to Tyler.  Im afraid that 



youll have to stay with us just a little bit longer, he said as he began examining the 



slashes left by the shattered windshield. 



         Well, Id made the mess, so it was only fair that I had to deal with it. 



         Bella walked deliberately toward me, not stopping until she was uncomfortably 



close.  I remembered how I had hoped, before all the mayhem, that she would approach 



me  This was like a mockery of that wish. 



         Can I talk to you for a minute? she hissed at me. 



         Her warm breath brushed my face and I had to stagger back a step.  Her appeal 



had not abated one bit.  Every time she was near me, it triggered all my worst, most 



urgent instincts.  Venom flowed in my mouth and my body yearned to striketo wrench 



her into my arms and crush her throat to my teeth. 



         My mind was stronger than my body, but only just. 



         Your father is waiting for you, I reminded her, my jaw clenched tight. 



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         She glanced toward Carlisle and Tyler.  Tyler was paying us no attention at all, 



but Carlisle was monitoring my every breath. 



         Carefully, Edward. 



         Id like to speak to you alone, if you dont mind, she insisted in a low voice. 



         I wanted to tell her that I did mind very much, but I knew I would have to do this 



eventually.  I may as well get on with it. 



         I was full of so many conflicting emotions as I stalked out of the room, listening 



to her stumbling footsteps behind me, trying to keep up. 



         I had a show to put on now.  I knew the role I would playI had the character 



down: I would be the villain.  I would lie and ridicule and be cruel. 



         It went against all my better impulsesthe human impulses that Id clung to 



through all these years.  Id never wanted to deserve trust more than in this moment, 



when I had to destroy all possibility of it. 



         It made it worse to know that this would be the last memory she would have of 



me.  This was my farewell scene. 



         I turned on her. 



         What do you want? I asked coldly. 



         She cringed back slightly from my hostility.  Her eyes turned bewildered, the 



expression that had haunted me 



         You owe me an explanation, she said in a small voice; her ivory face blanched. 



         It was very hard to keep my voice harsh.  I saved your lifeI dont owe you 



anything. 



         She flinchedit burned like acid to watch my words hurt her. 



         You promised, she whispered. 



         Bella, you hit your head, you dont know what youre talking about. 



         Her chin came up then.  Theres nothing wrong with my head. 



         She was angry now, and that made it easier for me.  I met her glare, making my 



face more unfriendly. 



         What do you want from me, Bella? 



         I want to know the truth.  I want to know why Im lying for you. 



         What she wanted was only fairit frustrated me to have to deny her. 



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         What do you think happened? I nearly growled at her. 



         Her words poured out in a torrent.  All I know is that you werent anywhere near 



meTyler didnt see you, either, so dont tell me I hit my head too hard.  That van was 



going to crush us bothand it didnt, and your hands left dents in the side of itand you 



left a dent in the other car, and youre not hurt at alland the van should have smashed 



my legs, but you were holding it up  Suddenly, she clenched her teeth together and 



her eyes were glistening with unshed tears. 



         I stared at her, my expression derisive, though what I really felt was awe; she had 



seen everything. 



         You think I lifted a van off you? I asked sarcastically. 



         She answered with one stiff nod. 



         My voice grew more mocking.  Nobody will believe that, you know. 



         She made an effort to control her anger.  When she answered me, she spoke each 



word with slow deliberation.  Im not going to tell anybody. 



         She meant itI could see that in her eyes.  Even furious and betrayed, she would 



keep my secret. 



         Why? 



         The shock of it ruined my carefully designed expression for half a second, and 



then I pulled myself together. 



         Then why does it matter? I asked, working to keep my voice severe. 



         It matters to me, she said intensely.  I dont like to lieso thered better be a 



good reason why Im doing it. 



         She was asking me to trust her.  Just as I wanted her to trust me.  But this was a 



line I could not cross. 



         My voice stayed callous.  Cant you just thank me and get it over with? 



         Thank you, she said, and then she fumed silently, waiting. 



         Youre not going to let it go, are you? 



         No. 



         In that case  I couldnt tell her the truth if I wanted toand I didnt want to. 



Id rather she made up her own story than know what I was, because nothing could be 



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worse than the truthI was a living nightmare, straight from the pages of a horror novel. 



I hope you enjoy disappointment. 



         We scowled at each other.  It was odd how endearing her anger was.  Like a 



furious kitten, soft and harmless, and so unaware of her own vulnerability. 



         She flushed pink and ground her teeth together again.  Why did you even 



bother? 



         Her question wasnt one that I was expecting or prepared to answer.  I lost my 



hold on the role I was playing.  I felt the mask slip from my face, and I told herthis one 



timethe truth. 



         I dont know. 



         I memorized her face one last timeit was still set in lines of anger, the blood not 



yet faded from her cheeksand then I turned and walked away from her. 



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                                               4. Visions 



I went back to school.  This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way to 



behave. 



         By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too.  Just 



Tyler and Bella and a few otherswho were probably using the accident as a chance to 



ditchremained absent. 



         It shouldnt be so hard for me to do the right thing.  But, all afternoon, I was 



gritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning ditch, tooin order to go find the 



girl again. 



         Like a stalker.  An obsessessed stalker.  An obsessessed, vampire stalker. 



         School today wassomehow, impossiblyeven more boring than it had seemed 



just a week ago.  Coma-like.  It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees, 



the sky, the faces around me  I stared at the cracks in the walls. 



         There was another right thing I should be doingthat I was not.  Of course, it was 



also a wrong thing.  It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it. 



         From the perspective of a Cullennot just a vampire, but a Cullen, someone who 



belonged to a family, such a rare state in our worldthe right thing to do would have 



gone something like this: 



          Im surprised to see you in class, Edward.  I heard you were involved in that 



awful accident this morning. 



          Yes, I was, Mr. Banner, but I was the lucky one.  A friendly smile.  I didnt get 



hurt at all    I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Bella. 



          How are they? 



          I think Tyler is finejust some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass. 



Im not sure about Bella, though.  A worried frown.  She might have a concussion.  I 



heard she was pretty incoherent for a whileseeing things even.              I know the doctors were 



worried 



         Thats how it should have gone.  Thats what I owed my family. 



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         Im surprised to see you in class, Edward.  I heard you were involved in that 



awful accident this morning. 



         I wasnt hurt.  No smile. 



         Mr. Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable. 



         Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Bella Swan are?  I heard there 



were some injuries 



         I shrugged.  I wouldnt know. 



         Mr. Banner cleared his throat.  Er, right he said, my cold stare making his 



voice sound a bit strained. 



         He walked quickly back to the front of classroom and began his lecture. 



         It was the wrong thing to do.  Unless you looked at it from a more obscure point 



of view. 



         It just seemed soso unchivalrous to slander the girl behind her back, especially 



when she was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed.  She hadnt said 



anything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so.  Would I betray her when she 



had done nothing but keep my secret? 



         I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Goffjust in Spanish rather than 



in Englishand Emmett gave me a long look. 



         I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today.  Rose is on the 



warpath. 



         I rolled my eyes without looking at him. 



         I actually had come up with a perfectly sound explanation.  Just suppose I hadnt 



done anything to stop the van from crushing the girl  I recoiled from that thought.  But 



if she had been hit, if shed been mangled and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting on 



the blacktop, the scent of the fresh blood pulsing through the air  



         I shuddered again, but not just in horror.  Part of me shivered in desire.  No, I 



would not have been able to watch her bleed without exposing us all in a much more 



flagrant and shocking way. 



         It was a perfectly sound excusebut I wouldnt use it.  It was too shameful. 



         And I hadnt thought of it until long after the fact, regardless. 



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         Look out for Jasper, Emmett went on, oblivious to my reverie.  Hes not as 



angrybut hes more resolved. 



         I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me.  My rage was 



so all-consuming that a red haze clouded my vision.  I thought I would choke on it. 



         SHEESH, EDWARD!  GET A GRIP!  Emmett shouted at me in his head.  His 



hand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet. 



He rarely used his full strengththere was rarely a need, for he was so much stronger 



than any vampire any of us had ever encounteredbut he used it now.  He gripped my 



arm, rather than pushing me down.  If hed been pushing, the chair under me would have 



collapsed. 



         EASY!    He ordered. 



         I tried to calm myself, but it was hard.  The rage burned in my head. 



         Jaspers not going to do anything until we all talk.  I just thought you should 



know the direction hes headed. 



         I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmetts hand loosen. 



         Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself.  Youre in enough trouble as it is. 



         I took a deep breath and Emmett released me. 



         I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation had been so short and 



silent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed.  None of them 



knew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off.  The Cullens were freakseveryone 



knew that already. 



         Damn, kid, youre a mess, Emmett added, sympathy in his tone. 



         Bite me, I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle. 



         Emmett didnt hold grudges, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easy 



going nature.  But I could see that Jaspers intentions made sense to Emmett, that he was 



considering how it might be the best course of action. 



         The rage simmered, barely under control.  Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was, 



but hed yet to beat me in a wrestling match.  He claimed that this was because I cheated, 



but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was a 



part of him.  We were evenly matched in a fight. 



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         A fight?  Was that where this was headed?  Was I going to fight with myfamily 



over a human I barely knew? 



         I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the girls body 



in my arms in juxtaposition with Jasper, Rose, and Emmettsupernaturally strong and 



fast, killing machines by nature 



         Yes, I would fight for her.  Against my family.         I shuddered. 



         But it wasnt fair to leave her undefended when I was the one whod put her in 



danger. 



         I couldnt win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered who 



my allies would be. 



         Carlisle, certainly.  He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly against 



Roses and Jaspers designs.  That might be all I needed.  I would see 



         Esme, doubtful.  She would not side against me either, and she would hate to 



disagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact.  Her first 



priority would not be rightness, but me.       If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esme 



was the heart.  He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following into 



an act of love.  We all loved each othereven under the fury I felt toward Jasper and 



Rose right now, even planning to fight them to save the girl, I knew that I loved them. 



         AliceI had no idea.  It would probably depend on what she saw coming.  She 



would side with the winner, I imagined. 



         So, I would have to do this without help.  I wasnt a match for them alone, but I 



wasnt going to let the girl be hurt because of me.  That might mean evasive action 



         My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor.  I could imagine how the girl 



would react to my kidnapping her.  Of course, I rarely guessed her reactions rightbut 



what other reaction could she have besides terror? 



         I wasnt sure how to manage that, thoughkidnapping her.  I wouldnt be able to 



stand being close to her for very long.  Perhaps I would just deliver her back to her 



mother.   Even that much would be fraught with danger.  For her. 



         And also for me, I realized suddenly.  If I were to kill her by accident  I wasnt 



certain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifaceted 



and intense. 



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         The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me: 



the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might be 



forced to go to afterward 



         Well, I couldnt complain that life outside this school was monotonous any more. 



The girl had changed that much. 



         Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang.  He was worrying 



about me, and worrying about Rosalie.  He knew whose side he would have to choose in 



a quarrel, and it bothered him. 



         The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent.  We were a very quiet group. 



Only I could hear the shouting. 



         Idiot!  Lunatic!  Moron!  Jackass!  Selfish, irresponsible fool!         Rosalie kept up a 



constant stream of insults at the top of her mental lungs.  It made it hard to hear the 



others, but I ignored her as best I could. 



         Emmett was right about Jasper.  He was sure of his course. 



         Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping through images of the future. 



No matter which direction Jasper came at the girl, Alice always saw me there, blocking 



him.  Interestingneither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions.  So Jasper 



planned to work alone.  That would even things up. 



         Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us.  My one 



advantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them. 



         I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasperjust horsing 



around.  I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper 



         No, not that.  Just to block him.  That was all. 



         I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jaspers different avenues of attack. 



         As I did that, her visions shifted, moving further and further away from the 



Swans house.  I was cutting him off earlier 



         Stop that, Edward!  It cant happen this way.  I wont let it. 



         I didnt answer her, I just kept watching. 



         She began searching farther ahead, into the misty, unsure realm of distant 



possibilities.  Everything was shadowy and vague. 



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         The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift.  I parked in the big garage 



off the house; Carlisles Mercedes was there, next to Emmetts big jeep, Roses M3 and 



my Vanquish.  I was glad Carlisle was already homethis silence would end 



explosively, and I wanted him there when that happened. 



         We went straight to the dining room. 



         The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose.  But it was 



furnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairswe were scrupulous 



about having all the correct props in place.  Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room. 



In a group with such strong and disparate personalities, sometimes it was necessary to 



discuss things in a calm, seated manner. 



         I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today. 



         Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room.  Esme was beside 



himthey held hands on top of the table. 



         Esmes eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern. 



         Stay.  It was her only thought. 



         I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had no 



reassurances for her now. 



         I sat on Carlisles other side.  Esme reached around him to put her free hand on 



my shoulder.  She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying about 



me. 



         Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming.  His lips were pressed tightly 



together and his forehead was creased.  The expression looked too old for his young face. 



         As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn. 



         Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table.  She 



glared at me, never looking away. 



         Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry. 



         Jasper hesitated, and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie.  He was 



decided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion.  My teeth locked together. 



         Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away 



the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it.  Without seeming to think about it, 



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she sat next to Esme.  She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache.  Jasper twitched 



uneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place. 



         I took a deep breath.  I had started thisI should speak first. 



         Im sorry, I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett.  I didnt 



mean to put any of you at risk.  It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for my 



hasty action. 



         Rosalie glared at me balefully.  What do you mean, take full responsibility? 



Are you going to fix it? 



         Not the way you mean, I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet.  Im 



willing to leave now, if that makes things better.  If I believe that the girl will be safe, if I 



believe that none of you will touch her, I amended in my head. 



         No, Esme murmured.  No, Edward. 



         I patted her hand.  Its just a few years. 



         Esmes right, though, Emmett said.  You cant go anywhere now.  That would 



be the opposite of helpful.  We have to know what people are thinking, now more than 



ever. 



         Alice will catch anything major, I disagreed. 



         Carlisle shook his head.  I think Emmett is right, Edward.  The girl will be more 



likely to talk if you disappear.  Its all of us leave, or none of us. 



         She wont say anything, I insisted quickly.  Rose was building up to the 



explosion, and I wanted this fact out there first. 



         You dont know her mind, Carlisle reminded me. 



         I know this much.  Alice, back me up. 



         Alice stared up at me wearily.  I cant see what will happen if we just ignore 



this.  She glanced at Rose and Jasper. 



         No, she couldnt see that futurenot when Rosalie and Jasper were so decided 



against ignoring the incident. 



         Rosalies palm smacked down on the table with a loud bang.  We cant allow the 



human a chance to say anything.  Carlisle, you must see that.  Even if we decided to all 



disappear, its not safe to leave stories behind us.  We live so differently from the rest of 



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our kindyou know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers.  We have 



to be more careful than anyone else! 



         Weve left rumors behind us before, I reminded her. 



         Just rumors and suspicions, Edward.  Not eyewitnesses and evidence! 



         Evidence! I scoffed. 



         But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard. 



         Rose Carlisle began. 



         Let me finish, Carlisle.  It doesnt have to be any big production.  The girl hit her 



head today.  So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious that it looked.  Rosalie 



shrugged.  Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The others 



would expect us to clean up after ourselves.  Technically, that would make it Edwards 



job, but this is obviously beyond him.  You know Im capable of control.  I would leave 



no evidence behind me. 



         Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient an assassin you are, I snarled. 



         She hissed at me, furious. 



         Edward, please, Carlisle said.  Then he turned to Rosalie.  Rosalie, I looked 



the other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice.  The men you 



killed had wronged you monstrously.  This is not the same situation.  The Swan girl is an 



innocent. 



         Its not personal, Carlisle, Rosalie said through her teeth.  Its to protect us 



all. 



         There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer. 



When he nodded, Rosalies eyes lit up.  She should have known better.  Even if I hadnt 



been able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words.  Carlisle never 



compromised. 



         I know you mean well, Rosalie, butId like very much for our family to be 



worth protecting.  The occasionalaccident or lapse in control is a regrettable part of 



who we are.  It was very like him to include himself in the plural, though he had never 



had such a lapse himself.  To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thing 



entirely.  I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is 



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nothing to the greater risk.  If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risk 



something much more important.  We risk losing the essence of who we are. 



         I controlled my expression very carefully.  It wouldnt do at all to grin.  Or to 



applaud, as I wished I could. 



         Rosalie scowled.  Its just being responsible. 



         Its being callous, Carlisle corrected gently.  Every life is precious. 



         Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted out.  Emmett patted her shoulder. 



Itll be fine, Rose, he encouraged in a low voice. 



         The question, Carlisle continued, is whether we should move on? 



         No, Rosalie moaned.  We just got settled.  I dont want to start on my 



sophomore year in high school again! 



         You could keep your present age, of course, Carlisle said. 



         And have to move again that much sooner? she countered. 



         Carlisle shrugged. 



         I like it here!  Theres so little sun, we get to be almost normal. 



         Well, we certainly dont have to decide now.  We can wait and see if it becomes 



necessary.  Edward seems certain of the Swan girls silence. 



         Rosalie snorted. 



         But I was no longer worried about Rose.  I could see that she would go along with 



Carlisles decision, not matter how infuriated she was with me.  Their conversation had 



moved on to unimportant details. 



         Jasper remained unmoved. 



         I understood why.  Before he and Alice had met, hed lived in a combat zone, a 



relentless theater of war.  He knew the consequences of flouting the ruleshed seen the 



grisly aftermath with his own eyes. 



         It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties, 



nor did he now try to rile her up.  He was holding himself aloof from this discussion 



above it. 



         Jasper, I said. 



         He met my gaze, his face expressionless. 



         She wont pay for my mistake.  I wont allow that. 



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         She benefits from it, then?  She should have died today, Edward.  I would only 



set that right. 



         I repeated myself, emphasizing each word.  I will not allow it. 



         His eyebrows shot up. He wasnt expecting thishe hadnt imagined that I would 



act to stop him. 



         He shook his head once.  I wont let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger. 



You dont feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you havent lived 



through what Ive lived through, whether youve seen my memories or not.  You dont 



understand. 



         Im not disputing that, Jasper.  But Im telling you now, I wont allow you to 



hurt Isabella Swan. 



         We stared at each othernot glaring, but measuring the opposition.  I felt him 



sample the mood around me, testing my determination. 



         Jazz, Alice said, interrupting us. 



         He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her.  Dont bother 



telling me you can protect yourself, Alice.  I already know that.  Ive still got to 



         Thats not what Im going say, Alice interrupted.  I was going to ask you for a 



favor. 



         I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp.  I 



stared at her, shocked, only vaguely aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper was 



now eyeing me warily. 



         I know you love me.  Thanks.  But I would really appreciate it if you didnt try to 



kill Bella.  First of all, Edwards serious and I dont want you two fighting.  Secondly, 



shes my friend.  At least, shes going to be. 



         It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around the 



girls warm, fragile shoulders.  And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alices waist. 



         The vision was rock solid; only the timing of it was unsure. 



         ButAlice  Jasper gasped.  I couldnt manage to turn my head to see his 



expression.  I couldnt tear myself away from the image in Alices head in order to hear 



his. 



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         Im going to love her someday, Jazz.  Ill be very put out with you if you dont 



let her be. 



         I was still locked into Alices thoughts.      I saw the future shimmer as Jaspers 



resolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request. 



         Ah, she sighedhis indecision had cleared a new future.  See?  Bellas not 



going to say anything.  Theres nothing to worry about. 



         The way she said the girls namelike they were already close confidants 



         Alice, I choked.  Whatdoes this? 



         I told you there was a change coming.  I dont know, Edward.  But she locked 



her jaw, and I could see that there was more.  She was trying not to think about it; she 



was focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned to have 



progressed much in his decision making. 



         She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me. 



         What, Alice?  What are you hiding? 



         I heard Emmett grumble.  He always got frustrated when Alice and I had these 



kinds of conversations. 



         She shook her head, trying to not let me in. 



         Is it about the girl? I demanded.  Is it about Bella? 



         She had her teeth gritted in concentration, but when I spoke Bellas name, she 



slipped.  Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough. 



         NO! I shouted.  I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was on 



my feet. 



         Edward! Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder.  I was barely 



aware of him. 



         Its solidifying, Alice whispered.  Every minute youre more decided. 



Therere really only two ways left for her.  Its one or the other, Edward. 



         I could see what she sawbut I could not accept it. 



         No, I said again; there was no volume to my denial.  My legs felt hollow, and I 



had to brace myself against the table. 



         Will somebodyplease let the rest of us in on the mystery? Emmett complained. 



         I have to leave, I whispered to Alice, ignoring him. 



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         Edward, weve already been over that, Emmett said loudly.  Thats the best 



way to start the girl talking.  Besides, if you take off, we wont know for sure if shes 



talking or not.  You have to stay and deal with this. 



         I dont see you going anywhere, Edward, Alice told me.  I dont know if you 



can leave anymore.       Think about it, she added silently.      Think about leaving. 



         I saw what she meant.  Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again waspainful. 



But it was also necessary.  I couldnt sanction either future Id apparently condemned her 



to. 



         Im not entirely sure of Jasper, Edward, Alice went on.  If you leave, if he thinks 



shes a danger to us 



         I dont hear that, I contradicted her, still only halfway aware of our audience. 



Jasper was wavering.       He would not do something that would hurt Alice. 



         Not right this moment.  Will you risk her life, leave her undefended? 



         Why are you doing this to me? I groaned.  My head fell into my hands. 



         I was not Bellas protector.  I could not be that.  Wasnt Alices divided future 



enough proof of that? 



         I love her, too.  Or I will.  Its not the same, but I want her around for that. 



         Love her, too? I whispered, incredulous. 



         She sighed.    You are so blind, Edward.  Cant you see where youre headed? 



Cant you see where you already are?  Its more inevitable than the sun rising in the east. 



See what I see 



         I shook my head, horrified.  No.  I tried to shut out the visions she revealed to 



me.  I dont have to follow that course.  Ill leave.  I will change the future. 



         You can try, she said, her voice skeptical. 



         Oh, come on!  Emmett bellowed. 



         Pay attention, Rose hissed at him.  Alice sees him falling for a human!  How 



classically Edward!  She made a gagging sound. 



         I scarcely heard her. 



         What? Emmett said, startled.  Then his booming laugh echoed through the 



room.  Is that whats been going on?  He laughed again.  Tough break, Edward. 



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         I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently.  I couldnt pay 



attention to him. 



         Fall for a human? Esme repeated in a stunned voice.  For the girl he saved 



today?  Fall in love with her? 



         What do you see, Alice?  Exactly, Jasper demanded. 



         She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly at the side of her face. 



         It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not.  Either hell kill her 



himself she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring which would really irritate me, 



Edward, not to mention what it would do to you she faced Jasper again, or shell be 



one of us someday. 



         Someone gasped; I didnt look to see who. 



         Thats not going to happen!  I was shouting again.  Either one! 



         Alice didnt seem to hear me.  It all depends, she repeated.  He may be just 



strong enough not to kill herbut it will be close.  It will take an amazing amount of 



control, she mused.  More even than Carlisle has.  He may bejust  strong enough 



The only thing hes not strong enough to do is stay away from her.  Thats a lost cause. 



         I couldnt find my voice.  No one else seemed to be able to either.  The room was 



still. 



         I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me.  I could see my own horrified 



expression from five different viewpoints. 



         After a long moment, Carlisle sighed. 



         Well, thiscomplicates things. 



         Ill say, Emmett agreed.  His voice was still close to laughter.  Trust Emmett to 



find the joke in the destruction of my life. 



         I suppose the plans remain the same, though, Carlisle said thoughtfully.  Well 



stay, and watch.  Obviously, no one willhurt the girl. 



         I stiffened. 



         No, Jasper said quietly.  I can agree to that.  If Alice sees only two ways 



         No!  My voice was not a shout or a growl or a cry of despair, but some 



combination of the three.  No! 



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         I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughtsRosalies self- 



righteous disgust, Emmetts humor, Carlisles never ending patience 



         Worse: Alices confidence.  Jaspers confidence in that confidence. 



         Worst of all: Esmesjoy . 



         I stalked out of the room.  Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didnt 



acknowledge the gesture. 



         I was running before I was out of the house.  I cleared the river in one bound, and 



raced into the forest.  The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched in a 



few moments.  I liked the thick sheet of waterit made a wall between me and the rest of 



the world.  It closed me in, let me be alone. 



         I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straight 



course, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound.  I stopped 



before I touched the borders of human civilization. 



         Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had doneat 



the way I had mutilated the future. 



         First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each otherthe trust 



and friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image.  Bellas wide chocolate eyes 



were not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secretsin this moment, they seemed 



to be happy secrets.  She did not flinch away from Alices cold arm. 



         What did it mean?  How much did she know?  In that still-life moment from the 



future, what did she think of me? 



         Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror.  Alice and 



Bella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship.  But now there 



was no difference between those armsboth were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel. 



Bellas wide eyes were no longer chocolate.  The irises were a shocking, vivid crimson. 



The secrets in them were unfathomableacceptance or desolation?  It was impossible to 



tell.  Her face was cold and immortal. 



         I shuddered.  I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different:  What did it 



meanhow had this come about?            And what did she think of me now? 



         I could answer that last one.  If I forced her into this empty half-life through my 



weakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me. 



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         But there was one more horrifying imageworse than any image Id ever held 



inside my head. 



         My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster.  Bellas 



broken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless.  It was so concrete, so clear. 



         I couldnt stand to see this.    Could not bear it.  I tried to banish it from my mind, 



tried to see something else, anything else.  Tried to see again the expression on her living 



face that had obstructed my view for the last chapter of my existence.  All to no avail. 



         Alices bleak vision filled my head, and I writhed internally with the agony it 



caused.  Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing with glee, jubilant at the 



likelihood of his success.  It sickened me. 



         This could not be allowed.  There had to be a way to circumvent the future.  I 



would not let Alices visions direct me.  I could choose a different path.  There was 



always a choice. 



         There had to be. 



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                                             5. Invitations 



High school.  Purgatory no longer, it was now purely hell.  Torment and fireyes, I had 



both. 



         I was doing everything correctly now.  Every i dotted, every t crossed.  No 



one could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities. 



         To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks.  I returned to my old 



schedule.  I hunted no more than the rest of them.  Everyday, I attended high school and 



played human.  Everyday, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullensthere 



never was anything new.  The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions.  She just 



repeated the same story again and againId been standing with her and then pulled her 



out of the waytill her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details. 



There was no danger.  My hasty action had hurt no one. 



         No one but myself. 



         I was determined to change the future.  Not the easiest task to set for oneself, but 



there was no other choice that I could live with. 



         Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl.  I would 



prove her wrong. 



         Id thought the first day would be the hardest.  By the end of it, Id been sure that 



was the case.  Id been wrong, though. 



         It had rankled, knowing that I would hurt the girl.  Id comforted myself with the 



fact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprickjust a tiny sting of rejection 



compared to mine.  Bella was human, and she knew that I was something else, something 



wrong, something frightening.  She would probably be more relieved than wounded when 



I turned my face away from her and pretended that she didnt exist. 



         Hello, Edward, shed greeted me, that first day back in biology.  Her voice had 



been pleasant, friendly, one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time Id spoken 



with her. 



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         Why?  What did the change mean?  Had she forgotten?  Decided she had 



imagined the whole episode?  Could she possibly have forgiven me for not following 



through on my promise? 



         The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed. 



         Just one moment to look in her eyes.  Just to see if I could read the answers 



there 



         No.  I could not allow myself even that.  Not if I was going to change the future. 



         Id moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the front 



of the room.  Id nodded once, and then turned my face straight forward. 



         She did not speak to me again. 



         That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle as 



I had the day before.  It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when I 



was flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur. 



         This run became my daily habit. 



         Did I love her?  I did not think so.  Not yet.  Alices glimpses of that future had 



stuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella.  It 



would be exactly like falling: effortless.  Not letting myself love her was the opposite of 



fallingit was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if I 



had no more than mortal strength. 



         More than a month passed, and every day it got harder.  That made no sense to 



meI kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier.  This must be what Alice had 



meant when shed predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl.  She had 



seen the escalation of the pain.  But I could handle pain. 



         I would not destroy Bellas future.  If I was destined to love her, then wasnt 



avoiding her the very least I could do? 



         Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear, though.  I could pretend to 



ignore her, and never look her way.  I could pretend that she was of no interest to me. 



But that was the extent, just pretense and not reality. 



         I still hung on every breath she took, every word she said. 



         I lumped my torments into four categories. 



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         The first two were familiar.  Her scent and her silence.  Or, ratherto take the 



responsibility on myself where it belongedmy thirst and my curiosity. 



         The thirst was the most primal of my torments.  It was my habit now to simply not 



breathe at all in Biology.  Of course, there were always the exceptionswhen I had to 



answer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak.  Each 



time I tasted the air around the girl, it was the same as the first dayfire and need and 



brutal violence desperate to break free.  It was hard to cling even slightly to reason or 



restraint in those moments.  And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, so 



close to the surface 



         The curiosity was the most constant of my torments.  The question was never out 



of my mind: What is she thinking now?  When I heard her quietly sigh.  When she 



twisted a lock of hair absently around her finger.  When she threw her books down with 



more force than usual.  When she rushed to class late.  When she tapped her foot 



impatiently against the floor.  Each movement caught in my peripheral vision was a 



maddening mystery.  When she spoke to the other human students, I analyzed her every 



word and tone.  Was she speaking her thoughts, or what she thought she should say?  It 



often sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected, and this 



reminded me of my family and our daily life of illusionwe were better at it than she 



was.  Unless I wrong about that, just imagining things.  Why would she have to play a 



role?  She was one of thema human teenager. 



         Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments.  Who would have ever 



dreamed that such a generic, boring mortal could be so infuriating?  To be fair, I should 



have felt some gratitude to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the girl 



talking.  I learned so much about her through these conversationsI was still compiling 



my listbut, contrarily, Mikes assistance with this project only aggravated me more.  I 



didnt want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets.  I wanted to do that. 



         It helped that he never noticed her small revelations, her little slips.  He knew 



nothing about her.  Hed created a Bella in his head that didnt exista girl just as 



generic as he was.  He hadnt observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apart 



from other humans, he didnt hear the abnormal maturity of her spoken thoughts.  He 



didnt perceive that when she spoke of her mother, she sounded like a parent speaking of 



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a child rather than the other way aroundloving, indulgent, slightly amused, and fiercely 



protective.  He didnt hear the patience in her voice when she feigned interest in his 



rambling stories, and didnt guess at the kindness behind that patience. 



         Through her conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most important 



quality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare.  Bella was 



good.  All the other things added up to that wholekind and self-effacing and unselfish 



and loving and braveshe was good through and through. 



         These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however.  The possessive 



way he viewed Bellaas if she were an acquisition to be madeprovoked me almost as 



much as his crude fantasies about her.  He was becoming more confident of her, too, as 



the time passed, for she seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivalsTyler 



Crowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically, myself.  He would routinely sit on her side 



of our table before class began, chattering at her, encouraged by her smiles.  Just polite 



smiles, I told myself.  All the same, I frequently amused myself by imagining 



backhanding him across the room and into the far wall  It probably wouldnt injure him 



fatally 



         Mike didnt often think of me as a rival.  After the accident, hed worried that 



Bella and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite had 



resulted.  Back then, he had still been bothered that Id singled Bella out over her peers 



for attention.  But now I ignored her just as thoroughly as the others, and he grew 



complacent. 



         What was she thinking now?  Did she welcome his attention? 



         And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bellas indifference.  As I 



ignored her, she ignored me.  She never tried to speak to me again.  For all I knew, she 



never thought about me at all. 



         This might have driven me mador even broken my resolution to change the 



futureexcept that she sometimes stared at me like she had before.  I didnt see it for 



myself, as I could not allow myself to look at her, but Alice always warned us when she 



was about to stare; the others were still wary of the girls problematic knowledge. 



         It eased some of the pain that she gazed at me from across a distance, every now 



and then.   Of course, she could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was. 



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         Bellas going to stare at Edward in a minute.  Look normal, Alice said one 



Tuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight like 



humans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind. 



         I paid attention to how often she looked my direction.  It pleased me, though it 



should not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed.  I didnt know what it 



meant, but it made me feel better. 



         Alice sighed.  I wish 



         Stay out of it, Alice, I said under my breath.  Its not going to happen. 



         She pouted.  Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella.  In a 



strange way, she missed the girl she didnt know. 



         Ill admit, youre better than I thought.  Youve got the future all snarled up and 



senseless again.  I hope youre happy. 



         It makes plenty of sense to me. 



         She snorted delicately. 



         I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation.  I wasnt in a very good 



moodtenser than I let any of them see.  Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound I 



was, feeling the stress emanate out of me with his unique ability to both sense and 



influence the moods of others.  He didnt understand the reasons behind the moods, 



though, andsince I was constantly in a foul mood these dayshe disregarded it. 



         Today would be a hard one.  Harder than the day before, as was the pattern. 



         Mike Newton, the odious boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was going 



to ask Bella on a date. 



         A girls choice dance was on the near horizon, and hed been hoping very much 



that Bella would ask him.  That she had not done so had rattled his confidence.  Now he 



was in an uncomfortable bindI enjoyed his discomfort more than I shouldbecause 



Jessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance.  He didnt want to say yes, still hopeful 



that Bella would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didnt want 



to say no and end up missing the dance altogether.  Jessica, hurt by his hesitation and 



guessing the reason behind it, was thinking daggers at Bella.  Again, I had the instinct to 



place myself between Jessicas angry thoughts and Bella.  I understood the instinct better 



now, but that only made it more frustrating when I could not act on it. 



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         To think it had come to this!  I was utterly fixated on the petty high school dramas 



that Id once held so in contempt. 



         Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Bella to biology.  I listened to his 



struggles as I waited for them to arrive.  The boy was weak.  He had waited for this dance 



purposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before she had shown a marked 



preference for him.  He didnt want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferring 



that she make that leap first. 



         Coward. 



         He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imagined 



the sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break most 



of his bones. 



         So, he said to the girl, his eyes on the floor.  Jessica asked me to the spring 



dance. 



         Thats great, Bella answered immediately and with enthusiasm.  It was hard not 



to smile as her tone sunk in to Mikes awareness.  Hed been hoping for dismay.  Youll 



have a lot of fun with Jessica. 



         He scrambled for the right response.  Well he hesitated, and almost 



chickened out.  Then he rallied.  I told her I had to think about it. 



         Why would you do that? she demanded.  Her tone was one of disapproval, but 



there was the faintest hint of relief there as well. 



         What did that mean?  An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench into 



fists. 



         Mike did not hear the relief.  His face was red with bloodfierce as I suddenly 



felt, this seemed like an invitationand he looked at the floor again as he spoke. 



         I was wondering ifwell, if you might be planning to ask me. 



         Bella hesitated. 



         In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice ever 



had. 



         The girl might say yes to Mikes unspoken question now, and she might not, but 



either way, someday soon, she would say yes to someone.  She was lovely and intriguing, 



and human males were not oblivious to this fact.  Whether she would settle for someone 



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in this lackluster crowd, or wait until she was free from Forks, the day would come that 



she would say yes. 



         I saw her life as I had beforecollege, careerlove, marriage.  I saw her on her 



fathers arm again, dressed in gauzy white, her face flushed with happiness as she moved 



to the sound of Wagners march. 



         The pain was more than anything Id felt before.  A human would have to be on 



the point of death to feel this paina human would not live through it. 



         And not just pain, but outright rage. 



         The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet.  Though this insignificant, 



undeserving boy might not be the one that Bella would say yes to, I yearned to crush his 



skull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be. 



         I didnt understand this emotionit was such a tangle of pain and rage and desire 



and despair.  I had never felt it before; I couldnt put a name to it. 



         Mike, I think you should tell her yes, Bella said in a gentle voice. 



         Mikes hopes plummeted.  I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances, 



but I was lost in the aftershock of the painand the remorse for what the pain and rage 



had done to me. 



         Alice was right.  I was not strong enough. 



         Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangled 



again.  Would this please her? 



         Did you already ask someone? Mike asked sullenly.  He glanced at me, 



suspicious for the first time in many weeks.  I realized I had betrayed my interest; my 



head was inclined in Bellas direction. 



         The wild envy in his thoughtsenvy for whoever this girl preferred to him 



suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion. 



         I was jealous. 



         No, the girl said with a trace of humor in her voice.  Im not going to the dance 



at all. 



         Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at her words.  Suddenly, I was 



considering my rivals. 



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         Why not? Mike asked, his tone almost rude.  It offended me that he used this 



tone with her.  I bit back a growl. 



         Im going to Seattle that Saturday, she answered. 



         The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been beforenow that I was 



fully intending to find out the answers to everything.  I would know the wheres and whys 



of this new revelation soon enough. 



         Mikes tone turned unpleasantly wheedling.  Cant you go some other 



weekend? 



         Sorry, no.  Bella was brusquer now.  So you shouldnt make Jess wait any 



longerits rude. 



         Her concern for Jessicas feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy.  This Seattle 



trip was clearly an excuse to say nodid she refuse purely out of loyalty to her friend? 



She was more than selfless enough for that.  Did she actually wish she could say yes?  Or 



were both guesses wrong? Was she interested in someone else? 



         Yeah, youre right, Mike mumbled, so demoralized that I almost felt pity for 



him.  Almost. 



         He dropped his eyes from the girl, cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts. 



         I wasnt going to tolerate that. 



         I turned to read her face myself, for the first time in more than a month.  It was a 



sharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp of air to long-submerged human lungs. 



         Her eyes were closed, and her hands pressed against the sides of her face.  Her 



shoulders curved inward defensively.  She shook her head ever so slightly, as if she were 



trying to push some thought from her mind. 



         Frustrating.  Fascinating. 



         Mr. Banners voice pulled her from her reverie, and her eyes slowly opened.  She 



looked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze.  She stared up into my eyes with the 



same bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long. 



         I didnt feel the remorse or the guilt or the rage in that second.  I knew they would 



come again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery high.  As if I 



had triumphed, rather than lost. 



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         She didnt look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity, trying vainly to 



read her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes.  They were full of questions, rather than 



answers. 



         I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black with 



thirst.  It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest day 



for my will to crumble.  But the blackness did not seem to frighten her.  She still did not 



look away, and a soft, devastatingly appealing pink began to color her skin. 



         What was she thinking now? 



         I almost asked the question aloud, but at that moment Mr. Banner called my 



name.  I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly in his direction. 



         I sucked in a quick breath.     The Krebs Cycle. 



         Thirst scorched down my throattightening my muscles and filling my mouth 



with venomand I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for her blood 



that raged inside me. 



         The monster was stronger than before.  The monster was rejoicing.  He embraced 



this dual future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved so viciously. 



The third, shaky future Id tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled 



destroyed by common jealously, of all thingsand he was so much closer to his goal. 



         The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if Id had the ability to 



produce tears, they would have filled my eyes now. 



         What had I done? 



         Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what I 



wanted; I turned to stare at the girl again. 



         She had hidden in her hair, but I could see through a parting in the tresses that her 



cheek was deep crimson now. 



         The monster liked that. 



         She did not meet my gaze again, but she twisted a strand of her dark hair 



nervously between her fingers.  Her delicate fingers, her fragile wristthey were so 



breakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them. 



         No, no, no.  I could not do this.  She was too breakable, too good, too precious to 



deserve this fate.  I couldnt allow my life to collide with hers, to destroy it. 



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         But I couldnt stay away from her either.  Alice was right about that. 



         The monster inside me hissed with frustration as I wavered, leaning first one way, 



then the other. 



         My brief hour with her passed all too quickly, as I vacillated between the rock and 



the hard place.  The bell rang, and she started collecting her things without looking at me. 



This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise.  The way I had treated her 



since the accident was inexcusable. 



         Bella? I said, unable to stop myself.  My willpower already lay in shreds. 



         She hesitated before looking at me; when she turned, her expression was guarded, 



distrustful. 



         I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me.  That she should. 



         She waited for me to continue, but I just stared at her, reading her face.  I pulled 



in shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals, fighting my thirst. 



         What? she finally said.  Are you speaking to me again?  There was an edge of 



resentment to her tone that was, like her anger, endearing.  It made me want to smile. 



         I wasnt sure how to answer her question.         Was I speaking to her again, in the 



sense that she meant? 



         No.  Not if I could help it.  I would try to help it. 



         No, not really, I told her. 



         She closed her eyes, which frustrated me.  It cut off my best avenue of access to 



her feelings.  She took a long, slow breath without opening her eyes.  Her jaw was 



locked. 



         Eyes still closed, she spoke.  Surely this was not a normal human way to 



converse.  Why did she do it? 



         Then what do you want, Edward? 



         The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body.  If Id had a 



heartbeat, it would have quickened. 



         But how to answer her? 



         With the truth, I decided.  I would be as truthful as I could with her from now on. 



I didnt want to deserve her distrust, even if earning her trust was impossible. 



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 100 



         Im sorry, I told her.  That was truer than she would ever know.  Unfortunately, 



I could only safely apologize for the trivial.  Im being very rude, I know.  But its better 



this way, really. 



         I would be better for her if I could keep it up, continue to be rude.  Could I? 



         Her eyes opened, their expression still wary. 



         I dont know what you mean. 



         I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed.  Its better if 



were not friends.  Surely, she could sense that much.  She was a bright girl.  Trust 



me. 



         Her eyes tightened, and I remembered that I had said those words to her before 



just before breaking a promise.  I winced when her teeth clenched togethershe clearly 



remembered, too. 



         Its too bad you didnt figure that out earlier, she said angrily.  You could have 



saved yourself all this regret. 



         I stared at her in shock.  What did she know of my regrets? 



         Regret?  Regret for what? I demanded. 



         For not just letting that stupid van squish me! she snapped. 



         I froze, stunned. 



         How could she be thinking that?  Saving her life was the one acceptable thing Id 



done since I met her.  The one thing that I was not ashamed of.  The one and only thing 



that made me glad I existed at all.  Id been fighting to keep her alive since the first 



moment Id caught her scent.  How could she think this of me?  How dare she question 



my one good deed in all this mess? 



         You think I regret saving your life? 



         I know you do, she retorted. 



         Her estimation of my intentions left me seething.  You dont know anything. 



         How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were!  She must 



not think in the same way as other humans at all.  That must be the explanation behind 



her mental silence.  She was entirely other. 



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         She jerked her face away, gritting her teeth again.  Her cheeks were flushed, with 



anger this time.  She slammed her books together in a pile, yanked them up into her arms, 



and marched toward the door without meeting my stare. 



         Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find her anger a bit entertaining. 



         She walked stiffly, without looking where she was going, and her foot caught on 



the lip of the doorway.  She stumbled, and her things all crashed to the ground.  Instead 



of bending to get them, she stood rigidly straight, not even looking down, as if she were 



not sure the books were worth retrieving. 



         I managed not to laugh. 



         No one was here to watch me; I flitted to her side, and had her books put in order 



before she looked down. 



         She bent halfway, saw me, and then froze.  I handed her books back to her, 



making sure that my icy skin never touched hers. 



         Thank you, she said in a cold, severe voice. 



         Her tone brought back my irritation. 



         Youre welcome, I said just as coldly. 



         She wrenched herself upright and stomped away to her next class. 



         I watched until I could no longer see her angry figure. 



         Spanish passed in a blur.  Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstractionshe knew 



my Spanish was superior to hers, and she gave me a great deal of latitudeleaving me 



free to think. 



         So, I couldnt ignore the girl.  That much was obvious.  But did it mean I had no 



choice but to destroy her?  That could not be the only available future.  There had to be 



some other choice, some delicate balance.  I tried to think of a way 



         I didnt pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up.  He was 



curiousEmmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in others moods, but he 



could see the obvious change in me.  He wondered what had happened to remove the 



unrelenting glower from my face.  He struggled to define the change, and finally decided 



that I looked hopeful. 



         Hopeful?  Is that what it looked like from the outside? 



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         I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly I 



should be hopingfor . 



         But I didnt have long to ponder.  Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about the 



girl, the sound of Bellas name in the heads ofof my rivals, I suppose I had to admit, 



caught my attention.  Eric and Tyler, having heardwith much satisfactionof Mikes 



failure, were preparing to make their moves. 



          Eric was already in place, positioned against her truck where she could not avoid 



him.  Tylers class was being held late to receive an assignment, and he was in a 



desperate hurry to catch her before she escaped. 



         This I had to see. 



         Wait for the others here, all right? I murmured to Emmett. 



         He eyed me suspiciously, but then shrugged and nodded. 



         Kids lost his mind, he thought, amused by my odd request. 



         I saw Bella on her way out of the gym, and I waited where she would not see me 



for her to pass.  As she got closer to Erics ambush, I strode forward, setting my pace so 



that I would walk by at the right moment. 



         I watched her body stiffen when she caught sight of the boy waiting for her.  She 



froze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward. 



         Hi, Eric, I heard her call in a friendly voice. 



         I was abruptly and unexpectedly anxious.  What if this gangly teen with his 



unhealthy skin was somehow pleasing to her? 



         Eric swallowed loudly, his Adams apple bobbing.  Hi, Bella. 



         She seemed unconscious of his nervousness. 



         Whats up? she asked, unlocking her truck without looking at his frightened 



expression. 



         Uh, I was just wonderingif you would go to the spring dance with me?  His 



voice broke. 



         She finally looked up.  Was she taken aback, or pleased?  Eric couldnt meet her 



gaze, so I couldnt see her face in his mind. 



         I thought it was girls choice, she said, sounding flustered. 



         Well, yeah, he agreed wretchedly. 



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         This pitiable boy did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldnt 



find it in myself to feel sympathy for his angst until after Bella had answered him in a 



gentle voice. 



         Thank you for asking me, but Im going to be in Seattle that day. 



         Hed already heard this; still, it was a disappointment. 



         Oh, he mumbled, barely daring to raise his eyes to the level of her nose. 



Maybe next time. 



         Sure, she agreed.  Then she bit down on her lip, as if she regretted leaving him a 



loophole.   I liked that. 



         Eric slumped forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from his 



car, his only thought escape. 



         I passed her in that moment, and heard her sigh of relief.  I laughed. 



         She whirled at the sound, but I stared straight ahead, trying to keep my lips from 



twitching in amusement. 



         Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch her before she could 



drive away.  He was bolder and more confident than the other two; hed only waited to 



approach Bella this long because hed respected Mikes prior claim. 



         I wanted him to succeed in catching her for two reasons.  Ifas I was beginning 



to suspectall this attention was annoying to Bella, I wanted to enjoy watching her 



reaction.  But, if it was notif Tylers invitation was the one shed been hoping for 



then I wanted to know that, too. 



         I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so.  He seemed 



tediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bellas preferences? 



Maybe she liked average boys 



         I winced at that thought.  I could never be an average boy.  How foolish it was to 



set myself up as a rival for her affections.  How could she ever care for someone who 



was, by any estimation, a monster? 



         She was too good for a monster. 



         I ought to have let her escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doing 



what was right.  Again.  But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact her 



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later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome?  I pulled my Volvo out into the 



narrow lane, blocking her exit. 



         Emmett and the others were on their way, but hed described my strange behavior 



to them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I was 



doing. 



         I watched the girl in my rearview mirror.  She glowered toward the back of my 



car without meeting my gaze, looking as if she wished she were driving a tank rather than 



a rusted Chevy. 



         Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind her, grateful for my inexplicable 



behavior.  He waved at her, trying to catch her attention, but she didnt notice.  He waited 



a moment, and then left his car, sauntering up to her passenger side window.  He tapped 



on the glass. 



         She jumped, and then stared at him in confusion.  After a second, she rolled the 



window down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it. 



         Im sorry, Tyler, she said, her voice irritated.  Im stuck behind Cullen. 



         She said my surname in a hard voiceshe was still angry with me. 



         Oh, I know, Tyler said, undeterred by her mood.  I just wanted to ask you 



something while were trapped here. 



         His grin was cocky. 



         I was gratified by the way she blanched at his obvious intent. 



         Will you ask me to the spring dance? he asked, no thought of defeat in his head. 



         Im not going to be in town, Tyler, she told him, irritation still plain in her 



voice. 



         Yeah, Mike said that. 



         Then why? she stared to ask. 



         He shrugged.  I was hoping you were just letting him down easy. 



         Her eyes flashed, then cooled.  Sorry, Tyler, she said, not sounding sorry at all. 



I really am going to be out of town. 



         He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched.  Thats cool.  We still 



have prom. 



         He strutted back to his car. 



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         I was right to have waited for this. 



         The horrified expression on her face was priceless.  It told me what I should not 



so desperately need to knowthat she had no feelings for any of these human males who 



wished to court her. 



         Also, her expression was possibly the funniest thing Id ever seen. 



         My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rocking 



with laughter rather than scowling murderously at everything in sight. 



         Whats so funny?  Emmett wanted to know. 



         I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Bella revved her 



noisy engine angrily.  She looked like she was wishing for a tank again. 



         Lets go! Rosalie hissed impatiently.  Stop being an idiot.  If you can. 



         Her words didnt annoy meI was too entertained.  But I did as she asked. 



         No one spoke to me on the way home.  I continued to chuckle every now and 



again, thinking of Bellas face. 



         As I turned on to the drivespeeding up now that there were no witnesses 



Alice ruined my mood. 



         So do I get to talk to Bella now? she asked suddenly, without considering the 



words first, thus giving me no warning. 



         No, I snapped. 



         Not fair!  What am I waiting for? 



         I havent decided anything, Alice. 



         Whatever, Edward. 



         In her head, Bellas two destinies were clear again. 



         Whats the point in getting to know her? I mumbled, suddenly morose.  If Im 



just going to kill her? 



         Alice hesitated for a second.  You have a point, she admitted. 



         I took the final hairpin turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched to a stop 



an inch from the back garage wall. 



         Enjoy your run, Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car. 



         But I didnt go running today.  Instead, I went hunting. 



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         The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldnt afford to be thirsty 



now.  I overdid it, drinking more than necessary, glutting myself againa small grouping 



of elk and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year.  I was so 



full it was uncomfortable.  Why couldnt that be enough?  Why did her scent have to be 



so much stronger than anything else? 



         I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but, when I could hunt no more and 



the sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soon 



enough. 



         The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to go 



find the girl. 



         I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won the 



argument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan.  The monster was restless but 



well-fettered.  I knew I would keep a safe distance from her.  I only wanted to know 



where she was.  I just wanted to see her face. 



         It was past midnight, and Bellas house was dark and quiet.  Her truck was parked 



against the curb, her fathers police cruiser in the driveway.  There were no conscious 



thoughts anywhere in the neighborhood.  I watched the house for a moment from the 



blackness of the forest that bordered it on the east.  The front door would probably be 



lockednot a problem, except that I didnt want to leave a broken door as evidence 



behind me.  I decided to try the upstairs window first.  Not many people would bother 



installing a lock there. 



         I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second. 



Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, and 



my breath stopped. 



         It was her room.  I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor and 



her sheets twisted around her legs.  As I watched, she twitched restlessly and threw one 



arm over her head.  She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night.  Did she sense the 



danger near her? 



         I was repulsed by myself as I watched her toss again.  How was I any better than 



some sick peeping tom?  I wasnt any better.  I was much, much worse. 



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         I relaxed my fingertips, about to let myself drop.  But first I allowed myself one 



long look at her face. 



         It was not peaceful.  The little furrow was there between her eyebrows, the 



corners of her lips turned down.  Her lips trembled, and then parted. 



         Okay, Mom, she muttered. 



         Bella talked in her sleep. 



         Curiosity flared, overpowering self-disgust.  The lure of those unprotected, 



unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting. 



         I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse.  I 



slid it slowly aside, cringing at each faint groan of the metal frame.  I would have to find 



some oil for next time 



         Next time?  I shook my head, disgusted again. 



         I eased myself silently through the half-opened window. 



         Her room was smalldisorganized but not unclean.  There were books piled on 



the floor beside her bed, their spines facing away from me, and CDs scattered by her 



inexpensive CD playerthe one on top was just a clear jewel case.  Stacks of papers 



surrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated to obsolete 



technologies.  Shoes dotted the wooden floor. 



         I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but Id promised 



myself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit the old rocking chair in the 



far corner of the room. 



         Had I really once thought her average-looking?  I thought of that first day, and my 



disgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued with her.  But when I 



remembered her face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found her 



beautiful immediately.  It seemed an obvious thing. 



         Right nowwith her dark hair tangled and wild around her pale face, wearing a 



threadbare t-shirt full of holes with tatty sweatpants, her features relaxed in 



unconsciousness, her full lips slightly partedshe took my breath away.  Or would have, 



I thought wryly, if I were breathing. 



         She did not speak.  Perhaps her dream had ended. 



         I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable. 



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         Hurting her was not bearable.  Did that mean my only choice was to try to leave 



again? 



         The others could not argue with me now.  My absence would not put anyone in 



danger.  There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyones thoughts back to the 



accident. 



         I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible. 



         I could not hope to rival the human boys, whether these specific boys appealed to 



her or not.  I was a monster.  How could she see me as anything else?  If she knew the 



truth about me, it would frighten and repulse her.  Like the intended victim in a horror 



movie, she would run away, shrieking in terror. 



         I remembered her first day in biologyand knew that this was exactly the right 



reaction for her to have. 



         It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the silly 



dance, she would have cancelled her hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me. 



         I was not the one she was destined to say yes to.  It was someone else, someone 



human and warm.  And I could not even let myselfsomeday, when that yes was said 



hunt him down and kill him, because she deserved him, whoever he was.  She deserved 



happiness and love with whomever she chose. 



         I owed it to her to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I was 



only in danger of loving this girl. 



         After all, it really didnt matter if I left, because Bella could never see me the way 



I wished she would.  Never see me as someone worthy of love. 



         Never. 



         Could a dead, frozen heart break?  It felt like mine would. 



         Edward, Bella said. 



         I froze, staring at her unopened eyes. 



         Had she woken, caught me here?  She looked asleep, yet her voice had been so 



clear 



         She sighed a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her sidestill 



fast asleep and dreaming. 



         Edward, she mumbled softly. 



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                                                                                                     109 



         She was dreaming of me. 



         Could a dead, frozen heart beat again?  It felt like mine was about to. 



         Stay, she sighed.  Dont go.  Pleasedont go. 



         She was dreaming of me, and it wasnt even a nightmare.  She wanted me to stay 



with her, there in her dream. 



         I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I had 



no words strong enough to hold them.  For a long moment, I drowned in them. 



         When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been. 



         My life was an unending, unchanging midnight.  It must, by necessity, always be 



midnight for me.  So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of my 



midnight? 



         At the time that I had become a vampire, trading my soul and my mortality for 



immortality in the searing pain of transformation, I had truly been frozen.  My body had 



turned into something more like rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging.  My self, also, 



had frozen as it wasmy personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and my 



desires; all were fixed in place. 



         It was the same for the rest of them.  We were all frozen.  Living stone. 



         When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing.  I had seen it 



happen with Carlisle, and then a decade later with Rosalie.  Love had changed them in an 



eternal way, a way that never faded.  More than eighty years had passed since Carlisle 



had found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love.  It 



would always be that way for them. 



         It would always be that way for me, too.  I would always love this fragile human 



girl, for the rest of my limitless existence. 



         I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portion 



of my stone body. 



         She slept more peacefully now, a slight smile on her lips. 



         Always watching her, I began to plot. 



         I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her.  I knew I wasnt 



that strong now.  I would work on that one.  But perhaps I was strong enough to 



circumvent the future in another way. 



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110 



         Alice had seen only two futures for Bella, and now I understood them both. 



         Loving her would not keep me from killing her, if I let myself make mistakes. 



         Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me. 



Perhaps love had silenced him forever.  If I killed her now, it would not be intentional, 



only a horrible accident. 



         I would have to be inordinately careful.  I would never, ever be able to let my 



guard down.  I would have to control my every breath.  I would have to keep an always 



cautious distance. 



         I would not make mistakes. 



         I finally understood that second future.  Id been baffled by that visionwhat 



could possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal half-life? 



Nowdevastated by longing for the girlI could understand how I might, in 



unforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favor.  Ask him to take away her life and 



her soul so that I could keep her forever. 



         She deserved better. 



         But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk, if I could 



keep my balance. 



         Could I do it?  Be with her and leave her human? 



         Deliberately, I took a deep breath, and then another, letting her scent rip through 



me like wildfire.  The room was thick with her perfume; her fragrance was layered on 



every surface.  My head swam, but I fought the spinning.  I would have to get used to 



this, if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her.  I took another deep, 



burning breath. 



         I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting and 



breathing. 



I got home just after the others had left for school.  I changed quickly, avoiding Esmes 



questioning eyes.  She saw the feverish light in my face, and she felt both worry and 



relief.  My long melancholy had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over. 



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         I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings did.  They did not turn, 



though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that bordered 



the pavement.  I waited until no one was looking, and then I strolled casually from 



between the trees into the lot full of parked cars. 



         I heard Bellas truck rumbling around the corner, and I paused behind a Suburban, 



where I could watch without being seen. 



         She drove into the lot, glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parked 



in one of the most distant spaces, a frown on her face. 



         It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me, and with 



good reason. 



         I wanted to laugh at myselfor kick myself.  All my plotting and planning was 



entirely moot if she didnt care for me, too, wasnt it?  Her dream could have been about 



something completely random.  I was such an arrogant fool. 



         Well, it was so much the better for her if she didnt care for me.  That wouldnt 



stop me from pursuing her, but I would give her fair warning as I pursued.  I owed her 



that. 



         I walked silently forward, wondering how best to approach her. 



         She made it easy.  Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out, and 



fell into a deep puddle. 



         She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put her 



fingers in the cold water. 



         I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up. 



         How do you do that? she demanded. 



         Yes, she was still angry. 



         I offered her the key.  Do what? 



         She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm.  I took a deep breath, 



pulling in her scent. 



         Appear out of thin air, she clarified. 



         Bella, its not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.  The words were 



wry, almost a joke.  Was there anything she didnt see? 



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112 



         Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress? 



         She glared at me, not appreciating my humor.  Her heartbeat spedfrom anger? 



From fear?  After a moment, she looked down. 



         Why the traffic jam last night? she asked without meeting my eyes.  I thought 



you were supposed to be pretending I dont exist, not irritating me to death. 



         Still very angry.  It was going to take some effort to make things right with her.  I 



remembered my resolve to be truthful with her 



         That was for Tylers sake, not mine.  I had to give him his chance.  And then I 



laughed.  I couldnt help it, thinking of her expression yesterday. 



         You she gasped, and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish. 



There it wasthat same expression.  I choked back another laugh.  She was mad enough 



already. 



         And Im not pretending you dont exist, I finished.  It was right to keep this 



casual, teasing.  She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt.  I would 



frighten her.  I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light 



         So you are trying to irritate me to death?  Since Tylers van didnt do the job? 



         A quick flash of anger pulsed through me.  Could she honestly believe that? 



         It was irrational for me to be so affrontedshe didnt know of the transformation 



that had happened in the night.  But I was angry all the same. 



         Bella, you are utterly absurd, I snapped. 



         Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me.  She began to walk away. 



         Remorse.    I had no right to my anger. 



         Wait, I pleaded. 



         She did not stop, so I followed after her. 



         Im sorry, that was rude.  Im not saying it isnt true it was absurd to imagine 



that I wanted her harmed in any way but it was rude to say it, anyway. 



         Why wont you leave me alone? 



         Believe me, I wanted to say.  Ive tried. 



          Oh, and also, Im wretchedly in love with you. 



         Keep it light. 



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         I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me.  A course of action had 



just occurred to me, and I laughed. 



         Do you have a multiple personality disorder? she asked. 



         It must seem that way.  My mood was erratic, so many new emotions coursing 



through me. 



         Youre doing it again, I pointed out. 



         She sighed.  Fine then.  What do you want to ask? 



         I was wondering if, a week from Saturday I watched the shock cross her face, 



and choked back another laugh.  You know, the day of the spring dance 



         She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine.  Are you trying to befunny ? 



         Yes.  Will you let me finish? 



         She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip. 



         That sight distracted me for a second.  Strange, unfamiliar reactions stirred deep 



in my forgotten human core.  I tried to shake them off so I could play my role. 



         I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering if 



you wanted a ride? I offered.  Id realized that, better than just questioning her about her 



plans, I might share them. 



         She stared at me blankly.  What? 



         Do you want a ride to Seattle?  Alone in a car with hermy throat burned at 



the thought.  I took a deep breath.      Get used to it. 



         With who? she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again. 



         Myself, obviously, I said slowly. 



         Why? 



         Was it really such as shock that I would want her company?  She must have 



applied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior. 



         Well, I said as casually as possible, I was planning to go to Seattle in the next 



few weeks, and, to be honest, Im not sure if your truck can make it.  It seemed safer to 



tease her than to allow myself to be serious. 



         My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern, she said in the 



same surprised voice.  She started walking again.  I kept pace with her. 



         She hadnt really said no, so I pressed that advantage. 



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         Would she say no?  What would I do if she did? 



         But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas? 



         I dont see how that is any of your business, she grumbled. 



         That still wasnt a no.  And her heart was beating faster again, her breath coming 



more quickly. 



         The wasting of finite resources is everyones business. 



         Honestly, Edward, I cant keep up with you.  I thought you didnt want to be my 



friend. 



         A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name. 



         How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time?  Well, it was more 



important to be honest.  Especially on this point. 



         I said it would be better if we werent friends, not that I didnt want to be. 



         Oh, thanks, now thats all cleared up, she said sarcastically. 



         She paused, under the edge of the cafeterias roof, and met my gaze again.  Her 



heartbeats stuttered.  Was she afraid? 



         I chose my words carefully.  No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would be 



smart enough to leave me, before it was too late. 



         It would be moreprudent for you not to be my friend.  Staring into the melted 



chocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on light.  But Im tired of trying to stay 



away from you, Bella.  The words burned with much too much fervor. 



         Her breathing stopped and, in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me. 



How much had I scared her?  Well, I would find out. 



         Will you go to Seattle with me? I demanded, point blank. 



         She nodded, her heart drumming loudly. 



         Yes.  Shed said yes to me. 



         And then my conscious smote me.  What would this cost her? 



         You really should stay away from me, I warned her.  Did she hear me?  Would 



she escape the future I was threatening her with?  Couldnt I do anything to save her from 



me? 



         Keep it light, I shouted at myself.  Ill see you in class. 



         I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled. 



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                                             6.   Blood Type 



I followed her all day through other peoples eyes, barely aware of my own surroundings. 



         Not Mike Newtons eyes, because I couldnt stand any more of his offensive 



fantasies, and not Jessica Stanleys, because her resentment toward Bella made me angry 



in a way that was not safe for the petty girl.  Angela Weber was a good choice when her 



eyes were available; she was kindher head was an easy place to be.  And then 



sometimes it was the teachers who provided the best view. 



         I was surprised, watching her stumble through the daytripping over cracks in 



the sidewalk, stray books, and, most often, her own feetthat the people I eavesdropped 



on thought of Bella as clumsy. 



         I considered that.  It was true that she often had trouble staying upright.  I 



remembered her stumbling into the desk that first day, sliding around on the ice before 



the accident, falling over the low lip of the doorframe yesterday  How odd, they were 



right.  She was clumsy. 



         I didnt know why this was so funny to me, but I laughed out loud as I walked 



from American History to English and several people shot me wary looks.  How had I 



never noticed this before?  Perhaps because there was something very graceful about her 



in stillness, the way she held her head, the arch of her neck 



         There was nothing graceful about her now.  Mr. Varner watched as she caught the 



toe of her boot on the carpet and literally fell into her chair. 



         I laughed again. 



         The time moved with incredible sluggishness while I waited for my chance to see 



her with my own eyes.  Finally, the bell rang.  I strode quickly to the cafeteria to secure 



my spot.  I was one of the first there.  I chose a table that was usually empty, and was 



sure to remain that way with me seated here. 



         When my family entered and saw me sitting alone in a new place, they were not 



surprised.  Alice must have warned them. 



         Rosalie stalked past me without a glance. 



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         Idiot. 



         Rosalie and I had never had an easy relationshipId offended her the very first 



time shed heard me speak, and it was downhill from therebut it seemed like she was 



even more ill-tempered than usual the last few days.  I sighed.  Rosalie made everything 



about herself. 



         Jasper gave me half a smile as he walked by. 



         Good luck, he thought doubtfully. 



         Emmett rolled his eyes and shook his head. 



         Lost his mind, poor kid. 



         Alice was beaming, her teeth shining too brightly. 



         Can I talk to Bella now?? 



         Keep out of it, I said under my breath. 



         Her face fell, and then brightened again. 



         Fine.  Be stubborn.  Its only a matter of time. 



         I sighed again. 



         Dont forget about todays biology lab, she reminded me. 



         I nodded.  No, I hadnt forgotten that. 



         While I waited for Bella to arrive, I followed her in the eyes of the freshman who 



was walking behind Jessica on his way to the cafeteria.  Jessica was babbling about the 



upcoming dance, but Bella said nothing in response.  Not that Jessica gave her much of a 



chance. 



         The moment Bella walked through the door, her eyes flashed to the table where 



my siblings sat.  She stared for a moment, and then her forehead crumpled and her eyes 



dropped to the floor.  She hadnt noticed me here. 



         She looked sosad.  I felt a powerful urge to get up and go to her side, to 



comfort her somehow, only I didnt know what she would find comforting.  I had no idea 



what made her look that way.  Jessica continued to jabber about the dance.  Was Bella 



sad that she was going to miss it?  That didnt seem likely 



         But that could be remedied, if she wished. 



         She bought a drink for her lunch and nothing else.  Was that right?  Didnt she 



need more nutrition than that?  Id never paid much attention to a humans diet before. 



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         Humans were quite exasperatingly fragile!  There were a million different things 



to worry about 



         Edward Cullen is staring at you again, I heard Jessica say.  I wonder why hes 



sitting alone today? 



         I was grateful to Jessicathough she was even more resentful nowbecause 



Bellas head snapped up and her eyes searched until they met mine. 



         There was no trace of sadness in her face now.  I let myself hope that shed been 



sad because shed thought Id left school early, and that hope made me smile. 



         I motioned with my finger for her to join me.  She looked so startled by this that I 



wanted to tease her again. 



         So I winked, and her mouth fell open. 



         Does he mean you? Jessica asked rudely. 



         Maybe he needs help with his Biology homework, she said in a low, uncertain 



voice.  Um, Id better go see what he wants. 



         This was another yes. 



         She stumbled twice on her way to my table, though there was nothing in her way 



but perfectly even linoleum.  Seriously, how had I missed this before?  Id been paying 



more attention to her silent thoughts, I supposed  What else had I missed? 



         Keep it honest, keep it light, I chanted to myself. 



         She stopped behind the chair across from me, hesitating.  I inhaled deeply, 



through my nose this time rather than my mouth. 



         Feel the burn, I thought dryly. 



         Why dont you sit with me today? I asked her. 



         She pulled the chair out and sat, staring at me the whole while.  She seemed 



nervous, but her physical acceptance was yet another yes. 



         I waited for her to speak. 



         It took a moment, but, finally, she said, This is different. 



         Well I hesitated.  I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do 



it thoroughly. 



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         What had made me say that?  I supposed it was honest, at least.  And perhaps 



shed hear the unsubtle warning my words implied.  Maybe she would realize that she 



should get up and walk away as quickly as possible 



         She didnt get up.  She stared at me, waiting, as if Id left my sentence unfinished. 



         You know I dont have any idea what you mean, she said when I didnt 



continue. 



         That was a relief.  I smiled. 



         I know. 



         It was hard to ignore the thoughts screaming at me from behind her backand I 



wanted to change the subject anyway. 



         I think your friends are angry at me for stealing you. 



         This did not appear to concern her.  Theyll survive. 



         I may not give you back, though.  I didnt even know if I was trying to be 



honest now, or just trying to tease her again.  Being near her made it hard to make sense 



of my own thoughts. 



         Bella swallowed loudly. 



         I laughed at her expression.  You look worried.  It really shouldnt be funny 



She should worry. 



         No.  She was a bad liar; it didnt help that her voice broke.  Surprised, 



actually.  What brought this on? 



         I told you, I reminded her.  I got tired of trying to stay away from you.  So Im 



giving up.  I held my smile in place with a bit of effort.  This wasnt working at all 



trying to be honest and casual at the same time. 



         Giving up? she repeated, baffled. 



         Yesgiving up trying to be good.  And, apparently, giving up trying to be 



casual.  Im just going to do what I want now, and let the chips fall where they may. 



That was honest enough.  Let her see my selfishness.  Let that warn her, too. 



         You lost me again. 



         I was selfish enough to be glad that this was the case.  I always say too much 



when Im talking to youthats one of the problems. 



         A rather insignificant problem, compared to the rest. 



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         Dont worry, she reassured me. I dont understand any of it. 



         Good.  Then shed stay.  Im counting on that. 



         So, in plain English, are we friends now? 



         I pondered that for a second.  Friends I repeated.  I didnt like the sound of 



that.  It wasnt enough. 



         Or not, she mumbled, looking embarrassed. 



         Did she think I didnt like her that much? 



         I smiled.   Well, we can try, I suppose.  But Im warning you now that Im not a 



good friend for you. 



         I waited for her response, torn in twowishing she would finally hear and 



understand, thinking I might die if she did.  How melodramatic.  I was turning into such a 



human. 



         Her heart beat faster.     You say that a lot. 



         Yes, because youre not listening to me, I said, too intense again.  Im still 



waiting for you to believe it.  If youre smart, youll avoid me. 



         Ah, but would I allow her to do that, if she tried? 



         Her eyes tightened.      I think youve made your opinion on the subject of my 



intellect clear, too. 



         I wasnt exactly sure what she meant, but I smiled in apology, guessing that I 



must have offended her accidentally. 



         So, she said slowly.  As long as Im beingnot smart, well try to be friends? 



         That sounds about right. 



         She looked down, staring intently at the lemonade bottle in her hands. 



         The old curiosity tormented me. 



         What are you thinking? I askedit was a relief to say the words out loud at 



last. 



         She met my gaze, and her breathing sped while her cheeks flushed faint pink.  I 



inhaled, tasting that in the air. 



         Im trying to figure out what you are. 



         I held the smile on my face, locking my features that way, while panic twisted 



through my body. 



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         Of course she was wondering that.  She wasnt stupid.  I couldnt hope for her to 



be oblivious to something so obvious. 



         Are you having any luck with that? I asked as lightly as I could manage. 



         Not too much, she admitted. 



         I chuckled in sudden relief.  What are your theories? 



         They couldnt be worse than the truth, no matter what shed come up with. 



         Her cheeks turned brighter red, and she said nothing.  I could feel the warmth of 



her blush in the air. 



         I tried using my persuasive tone on her.  It worked well on normal humans. 



         Wont you tell me?  I smiled encouragingly. 



         She shook her head.  Too embarrassing. 



         Ugh.  Not knowing was worse than anything else.  Why would her speculations 



embarrass her?  I couldnt stand not knowing. 



         Thats really frustrating, you know. 



         My complaint sparked something in her.  Her eyes flashed and her words flowed 



more swiftly than usual. 



         No, I cant imagine why that would be frustrating at alljust because someone 



refuses to tell you what theyre thinking, even if all the while theyre making cryptic little 



remarks specifically designed to keep you up at night wondering what they could 



possibly meannow, why would that be frustrating? 



         I frowned at her, upset to realize that she was right.  I wasnt being fair. 



         She went on.  Or better, say that person also did a wide range of bizarre things 



from saving your life under impossible circumstances one day to treating you like a 



pariah the next, and he never explained any of that either, even after he promised.  That, 



also, would be very non-frustrating. 



         It was the longest speech Id ever heard her make, and it gave me a new quality 



for my list. 



         Youve got a bit of a temper, dont you? 



         I dont like double standards. 



         She was completely justified in her irritation, of course. 



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         I stared at Bella, wondering how I could possibly do anything right by her, until 



the silent shouting in Mike Newtons head distracted me. 



         He was so irate that it made me chuckle. 



         What? she demanded. 



         Your boyfriend seems to think Im being unpleasant to youhes debating 



whether or not to come break up our fight.  I would love to see him try.  I laughed again. 



         I dont know who youre talking about, she said in an icy voice.  But Im sure 



youre wrong anyway. 



         I very much enjoyed the way she disowned him with her dismissive sentence. 



         Im not.  I told you, most people are easy to read. 



         Except me, of course. 



         Yes.  Except for you.  Did she have to be the exception to everything? 



Wouldnt it have been more fairconsidering everything else I had to deal with nowif 



I could have at least heard something from her head?  Was that so much to ask?  I 



wonder why that is? 



         I stared into her eyes, trying again 



         She looked away.  She opened her lemonade and took a quick drink, her eyes on 



the table. 



         Arent you hungry? I asked. 



         No.  She eyed the empty table between us.  You? 



         No, Im not hungry, I said.  I was definitely not that. 



         She stared at the table her lips pursed.  I waited. 



         Could you do me a favor? she asked, suddenly meeting my gaze again. 



         What would she want from me?  Would she ask for the truth that I wasnt allowed 



to tell herthe truth I didnt want her to ever, ever know? 



         That depends on what you want. 



         Its not much, she promised. 



         I waited, curious again. 



         I just wondered she said slowly, staring at the lemonade bottle, tracing its lip 



with her littlest finger.  If you could warn me beforehand the next time you decide to 



ignore me for my own good?  Just so Im prepared. 



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         She wanted a warning?  Then being ignored by me must be a bad thing  I 



smiled. 



         That sounds fair, I agreed. 



         Thanks, she said, looking up.  Her face was so relieved that I wanted to laugh 



with my own relief. 



         Then can I have one in return? I asked hopefully. 



         One, she allowed. 



         Tell me one theory. 



         She flushed.  Not that one. 



         You didnt qualify, you just promised one answer, I argued. 



         And youve broken promises yourself, she argued back. 



         She had me there. 



         Just one theoryI wont laugh. 



         Yes, you will.  She seemed very sure of that, though I couldnt imagine 



anything that would be funny about it. 



         I gave persuasion another try.  I stared deep into her eyesan easy thing to do, 



with eyes so deepand whispered, Please? 



         She blinked, and her face went blank. 



         Well, that wasnt exactly the reaction Id been going for. 



         Er, what? she asked.  She looked dizzy.  What was wrong with her? 



         But I wasnt giving up yet. 



         Please tell me just one little theory, I pleaded in my soft, non-scary voice, 



holding her eyes in mine. 



         To my surprise and satisfaction, it finally worked. 



         Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider? 



         Comic books?  No wonder she thought I would laugh. 



         Thats not very creative, I chided her, trying to hide my fresh relief. 



         Im sorry, thats all Ive got, she said, offended. 



         This relieved me even more.  I was able to tease her again. 



         Youre not even close. 



         No spiders? 



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         Nope. 



         And no radioactivity? 



         None. 



         Dang, she sighed. 



         Kryptonite doesnt bother me either, I said quicklybefore she could ask about 



bitesand then I had to laugh, because she thought I was a superhero. 



         Youre not supposed to laugh, remember? 



         I pressed my lips together. 



         Ill figure it out eventually, she promised. 



         And when she did, she would run. 



         I wish you wouldnt try, I said, all teasing gone. 



         Because? 



         I owed her honesty.  Still, I tried to smile, to make my words sound less 



threatening.  What if Im not a superhero?  What if Im the bad guy? 



         Her eyes widened by a fraction and her lips fell slightly apart.  Oh, she said. 



And then, after another second, I see. 



         Shed finally heard me. 



         Do you? I asked, working to conceal my agony. 



         Youre dangerous? she guessed.  Her breathing hiked, and her heart raced. 



         I couldnt answer her.  Was this my last moment with her?  Would she run now? 



Could I be allowed to tell her that I loved her before she left?  Or would that frighten her 



more? 



         But not bad, she whispered, shaking her head, no fear in her clear eyes.  No, I 



dont believe that youre bad. 



         Youre wrong, I breathed. 



         Of course I was bad.  Wasnt I rejoicing now, that she thought better of me than I 



deserved?  If I were a good person, I would have stayed away from her. 



         I stretched my hand across the table, reaching for the lid to her lemonade bottle as 



an excuse.  She did not flinch away from my suddenly closer hand.  She really was not 



afraid of me.  Not yet. 



         I spun the lid like a top, watching it instead of her.  My thoughts were in a snarl. 



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         Run, Bella, run.    I couldnt make myself say the words out loud. 



         She jumped to her feet.  Were going to be late, she said, just as Id started to 



worry that shed somehow heard my silent warning. 



         Im not going to class. 



         Why not? 



         Because I dont want to kill you.  Its healthy to ditch class now and then. 



         To be precise, it was healthier for the humans if the vampires ditched on days 



when human blood would be spilt.  Mr. Banner was blood typing today.  Alice had 



already ditched her morning class. 



         Well, Im going, she said.  This didnt surprise me.  She was responsibleshe 



always did the right thing. 



         She was my opposite. 



         Ill see you later then, I said, trying for casual again, staring down at the 



whirling lid.  And, by the way, I adore youin frightening, dangerous ways. 



         She hesitated, and I hoped for a moment that she would stay with me after all. 



But the bell rang and she hurried away. 



         I waited until she was gone, and then I put the lid in my pocketa souvenir of 



this most consequential conversationand walked through the rain to my car. 



         I put on my favorite calming CDthe same one Id listened to that first daybut 



I wasnt hearing Debussys notes for long.  Other notes were running through my head, a 



fragment of a tune that pleased and intrigued me.  I turned down the stereo and listened to 



the music in my head, playing with the fragment until it evolved into a fuller harmony. 



Instinctively, my fingers moved in the air over imaginary piano keys. 



         The new composition was really coming along when my attention was caught by 



a wave of mental anguish. 



         I looked toward the distress. 



         Is she going to pass out?  What do I do?  Mike panicked. 



         A hundred yards away, Mike Newton was lowering Bellas limp body to the 



sidewalk.  She slumped unresponsively against the wet concrete, her eyes closed, her skin 



chalky as a corpse. 



         I almost took the door off the car. 



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         Bella? I shouted. 



         There was no change in her lifeless face when I yelled her name. 



         My whole body went colder than ice. 



         I was aware of Mikes aggravated surprise as I sifted furiously through his 



thoughts.  He was only thinking of his anger toward me, so I didnt know what was 



wrong with Bella.  If hed done something to harm her, I would annihilate him. 



         Whats wrongis she hurt? I demanded, trying to focus his thoughts.  It was 



maddening to have to walk at a human pace.  I should not have called attention to my 



approach. 



         Then I could hear her heart beating and her even breath.  As I watched, she 



squeezed her eyes more tightly shut.  That eased some of my panic. 



         I saw a flicker of memories in Mikes head, a splash of images from the Biology 



room.  Bellas head on our table, her fair skin turning green.  Drops of red against the 



white cards 



         Blood typing. 



         I stopped where I was, holding my breath.  Her scent was one thing, her flowing 



blood was another altogether. 



         I think shes fainted, Mike said, anxious and resentful at the same time.  I 



dont know what happened, she didnt even stick her finger. 



         Relief washed through me, and I breathed again, tasting the air.  Ah, I could smell 



the tiny flow of Mike Newtons puncture wound.  Once, that might have appealed to me. 



         I knelt beside her while Mike hovered next to me, furious at my intervention. 



         Bella.  Can you hear me? 



         No, she moaned.  Go away. 



         The relief was so exquisite that I laughed.  She was fine. 



         I was taking her to the nurse, Mike said.  But she wouldnt go any farther. 



         Ill take her.  You can go back to class, I said dismissively. 



         Mikes teeth clenched together.  No.  Im supposed to do it. 



         I wasnt going to stand around arguing with the wretch. 



         Thrilled and terrified, half-grateful to and half-aggrieved by the predicament 



which made touching her a necessity, I gently lifted Bella from the sidewalk and held her 



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in my arms, touching only her clothes, keeping as much distance between our bodies as 



possible.  I was striding forward in the same movement, in a hurry to have her safe 



farther away from me, in other words. 



         Her eyes popped open, astonished. 



         Put me down, she ordered in a weak voiceembarrassed again, I guessed from 



her expression.  She didnt like to show weakness. 



         I barely heard Mikes shouted protest behind us. 



         You look awful, I told her, grinning because there was nothing wrong with her 



but a light head and a weak stomach. 



         Put me back on the sidewalk, she said.  Her lips were white. 



         So you faint at the sight of blood?  Could it get any more ironic? 



         She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together. 



         And not even your own blood, I added, my grin widening. 



         We were to the front office.  The door was propped an inch open, and I kicked it 



out of my way. 



         Ms. Cope jumped, startled.  Oh, my, she gasped as she examined the ashen girl 



in my arms. 



         She fainted in Biology, I explained, before her imagination could get too out of 



hand. 



         Ms. Cope hurried to open the door to the nurses office.  Bellas eyes were open 



again, watching her.  I heard the elderly nurses internal astonishment as I laid the girl 



carefully on the one shabby bed.  As soon as Bella was out of my arms, I put the width of 



the room between us.  My body was too excited, too eager, my muscles tense and the 



venom flowing.  She was so warm and fragrant. 



         Shes just a little faint, I reassured Mrs. Hammond.  Theyre blood typing in 



biology. 



         She nodded, understanding now.  Theres always one. 



         I stifled a laugh.  Trust Bella to be that one. 



         Just lie down for a minute, honey, Mrs. Hammond said.  Itll pass. 



         I know, Bella said. 



         Does this happen often? the nurse asked. 



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         Sometimes, Bella admitted. 



         I tried to disguise my laughter as coughing. 



         This brought me to the nurses attention.  You can go back to class now, she 



said. 



         I looked her straight in the eye and lied with perfect confidence.  Im supposed to 



stay with her. 



         Hmm.  I wonder oh well.         Mrs. Hammond nodded. 



         It worked just fine on her.     Why did Bella have to be so difficult? 



         Ill go get you some ice for your forehead, dear, the nurse said, slightly 



uncomfortable from looking into my eyesthe way a human should beand left the 



room. 



         You were right, Bella moaned, closing her eyes. 



         What did she mean?  I jumped to the worst conclusion: shed accepted my 



warnings. 



         I usually am, I said, trying to keep the amusement in my voice; it sounded sour 



now.  But about what in particular this time? 



         Ditching is healthy, she sighed. 



         Ah, relief again. 



         She was silent then.  She just breathed slowly in and out.  Her lips were beginning 



to turn pink.  Her mouth was slightly out of balance, her lower lip just a little too full to 



match the top.  Staring at her mouth made me feel strange.  Made me want to move closer 



to her, which was not a good idea. 



         You scared me for a minute there, I saidto restart the conversation so that I 



could hear her voice again.  I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury 



it in the woods. 



         Ha ha, she said. 



         HonestlyIve seen corpses with better color.  This was actually true.  I was 



concerned that I might have to avenge your murder.  And I would have. 



         Poor Mike, she sighed.  Ill bet hes mad. 



         Fury pulsed through me, but I contained it quickly.  Her concern was surely just 



pity.  She was kind.  That was all. 



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         He absolutely loathes me, I told her, cheered by that idea. 



         You cant know that. 



         I saw his faceI could tell.  It was probably true that reading his face would 



have given me enough information to make that particular deduction.  All this practice 



with Bella was sharpening my skill at reading human expressions. 



         How did you see me?  I thought you were ditching.  Her face looked better 



the green undertone had vanished from her translucent skin. 



         I was in my car, listening to a CD. 



         Her expression twitched, like my very ordinary answer had surprised her 



somehow. 



         She opened her eyes again when Mrs. Hammond returned with an ice pack. 



         Here you go, dear, the nurse said as she laid it across Bellas forehead.  Youre 



looking better. 



         I think Im fine, Bella said, and she sat up while pulling the ice pack away.  Of 



course.    She didnt like to be taken care of. 



         Mrs. Hammonds wrinkled hands fluttered toward the girl, as if she were going to 



push her back down, but just then Ms. Cope opened the door to the office and leaned in. 



With her appearance came the smell of fresh blood, just a whiff. 



         Invisible in the office behind her, Mike Newton was still very angry, wishing the 



heavy boy he dragged now was the girl who was in here with me. 



         Weve got another one, Ms. Cope said. 



         Bella quickly jumped down from the cot, eager to be out of the spotlight. 



         Here, she said, handing the compress back to Mrs. Hammond.  I dont need 



this. 



         Mike grunted as he half-shoved Lee Stevens through the door.  Blood was still 



dripping down the hand Lee held to his face, trickling toward his wrist. 



         Oh no.  This was my cue to leaveand Bellas, too, it seemed.  Get out to the 



office, Bella. 



         She stared up at me with bewildered eyes. 



         Trust mego. 



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         She whirled and caught the door before it had swung shut, rushing through to the 



office.  I followed a few inches behind her.  Her swinging hair brushed my hand 



         She turned to look at me, still wide-eyed. 



         You actually listened to me.  That was a first. 



         Her small nose wrinkled.  I smelled the blood. 



         I stared at her in blank surprise.  People cant smell blood. 



         Well, I canthats what makes me sick.  It smells like rustand salt. 



         My face froze, still staring. 



         Was she really even human?  She looked human.  She felt soft as a human.  She 



smelled humanwell, better actually.  She acted humansort of.  But she didnt think 



like a human, or respond like one. 



         What other option was there, though? 



         What? she demanded. 



         Its nothing. 



         Mike Newton interrupted us then, entering the room with resentful, violent 



thoughts. 



         You look better, he said to her rudely. 



         My hand twitched, wanting to teach him some manners.  I would have to watch 



myself, or I would end up actually killing this obnoxious boy. 



         Just keep your hand in your pocket, she said.  For one wild second, I thought 



she was talking to me. 



         Its not bleeding anymore, he answered sullenly.  Are you going back to 



class? 



         Are you kidding?  Id just have to turn around and come back. 



         That was very good.  Id thought I was going to have to miss this whole hour with 



her, and now I got extra time instead.  I felt greedy, a miser hording over each minute. 



         Yeah, I guess Mike mumbled.  So are you going this weekend?  To the 



beach? 



         Ah, they had plans.  Anger froze me in place.  It was a group trip, though.  Id 



seen some of this in other students heads.  It wasnt just the two of them.  I was still 



furious.  I leaned motionlessly against the counter, trying to control myself. 



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         Sure, I said I was in, she promised him. 



         So shed said yes to him, too.  The jealousy burned, more painful than thirst. 



         No, it was just a group outing, I tried to convince myself.  She was just spending 



 the day with friends.  Nothing more. 



         Were meeting at my dads store, at ten.  And Cullens NOT invited. 



         Ill be there, she said. 



         Ill see you in Gym, then. 



         See you, she replied. 



         He shuffled off to his class, his thoughts full of ire.       What doesshe see in that 



freak?  Sure, hes rich, I guess.  Chicks think hes hot, but I dont see that.  Tootoo 



perfect.  I bet his dad experiments with plastic surgery on all of them.  Thats why theyre 



 all so white and pretty.  Its not natural.  And hes sort ofscary-looking.  Sometimes, 



 when he stares at me, Id swear hes thinking about killing me  Freak 



         Mike wasnt entirely unperceptive. 



         Gym, Bella repeated quietly.  A groan. 



         I looked at her, and saw that she was sad about something again.  I wasnt sure 



 why, but it was clear that she didnt want to go to her next class with Mike, and I was all 



 for that plan. 



         I went to her side and bent close to her face, feeling the warmth of her skin 



 radiating out to my lips.  I didnt dare breathe. 



         I can take care of that, I murmured.  Go sit down and look pale. 



         She did as I asked, sitting in one of the folding chairs and leaning her head back 



 against the wall, while, behind me, Ms. Cope came out of the back room and went to her 



 desk.  With her eyes closed, Bella looked as if shed passed out again.  Her full color 



 hadnt returned yet. 



         I turned to the secretary.  Hopefully Bella was paying attention to this, I thought 



 sardonically.  This was how a human was supposed to respond. 



         Ms. Cope? I asked, using my persuasive voice again. 



         Her eyelashes fluttered, and her heart sped up.         Too young, get a hold of yourself! 



 Yes? 



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         That was interesting.  When Shelly Copes pulse quickened, it was because she 



found me physically attractive, not because she was frightened.  I was used to that around 



human femalesyet I hadnt considered that explanation for Bellas racing heart. 



         I rather liked that.  Too much, in fact.  I smiled, and Mrs. Copes breathing got 



louder. 



         Bella has gym next hour, and I dont think she feels well enough.  Actually, I 



was thinking I should take her home now.  Do you think you could excuse her from 



class?  I stared into her depthless eyes, enjoying the havoc that this wreaked on her 



thought processes.  Was it possible that Bella? 



         Mrs. Cope had to swallow loudly before she answered.  Do you need to be 



excused, too, Edward? 



         No, I have Mrs. Goff, she wont mind. 



         I wasnt paying much attention to her now.  I was exploring this new possibility. 



         Hmm.  Id like to believe that Bella found me attractive like other humans did, but 



when did Bella ever have the same reactions as other humans?  I shouldnt get my hopes 



up. 



         Okay, its all taken care of.  You feel better, Bella. 



         Bella nodded weaklyoveracting a bit. 



         Can you walk, or do you want me to carry you again? I asked, amused by her 



poor theatrics.  I knew she would want to walkshe wouldnt want to be weak. 



         Ill walk, she said. 



         Right again.  I was getting better at this. 



         She got up, hesitating for a moment as if to check her balance.  I held the door for 



her, and we walked out into the rain. 



         I watched her as she lifted her face to the light rain with her eyes closed, a slight 



smile on her lips.    What was she thinking?  Something about this action seemed off, and I 



quickly realized why the posture looked unfamiliar to me.  Normal human girls wouldnt 



raise their faces to the drizzle that way; normal human girls usually wore makeup, even 



here in this wet place. 



         Bella never wore makeup, nor should she.  The cosmetics industry made billions 



of dollars a year from women who were trying to attain skin like hers. 



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         Thanks, she said, smiling at me now.  Its worth getting sick to miss Gym. 



         I stared across the campus, wondering how to prolong my time with her. 



Anytime, I said. 



         So are you going?  This Saturday, I mean?  She sounded hopeful. 



         Ah, her hope was soothing.  She wanted me with her, not Mike Newton.  And I 



wanted to say yes.  But there were many things to consider.  For one, the sun would be 



shining this Saturday 



         Where are you all going, exactly? I tried to keep my voice nonchalant, as if it 



didnt matter much.      Mike had said beach, though.  Not much chance of avoiding 



sunlight there. 



         Down to La Push, to First Beach. 



         Damn.    Well, it was impossible, then. 



         Anyway, Emmett would be irritated if I cancelled our plans. 



         I glanced down at her, smiling wryly.  I really dont think I was invited. 



         She sighed, already resigned.  I just invited you. 



         Lets you and I not push poor Mike any further this week.  We dont want him to 



snap.  I thought about snappingpoor Mike myself, and enjoyed the mental picture 



intensely. 



         Mike-schmike, she said, dismissive again.  I smiled widely. 



         And then she started to walk away from me. 



         Without thinking about my action, I reached out and caught her by the back of her 



rain jacket.  She jerked to a stop. 



         Where do you think youre going?  I was almost angry that she was leaving me. 



I hadnt had enough time with her.  She couldnt go, not yet. 



         Im going home, she said, baffled as to why this should upset me. 



         Didnt you hear me promise to take you safely home?  Do you think Im going to 



let you drive in your condition?  I knew she wouldnt like thatmy implication of 



weakness on her part.  But I needed to practice for the Seattle trip, anyway.  See if I could 



handle her proximity in an enclosed space.  This was a much shorter journey. 



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         What condition? she demanded.  And what about my truck? 



         Ill have Alice drop it off after school.  I pulled her back to my car carefully, as 



I now knew that walkingforward  was challenging enough for her. 



         Let go! she said, twisting sideways and nearly tripping.  I held one hand out to 



catch her, but she righted herself before it was necessary.  I shouldnt be looking for 



excuses to touch her.  That started me thinking about Ms. Copes reaction to me, but I 



filed it away for later.  There was much to be considered on that front. 



         I let her go beside the car, and she stumbled into the door.  I would have to be 



even more careful, to take into account her poor balance 



         You are sopushy ! 



         Its open. 



         I got in on my side and started the car.  She held her body rigidly, still outside, 



though the rain had picked up and I knew she didnt like the cold and wet.  Water was 



soaking through her thick hair, darkening it to near black. 



         I am perfectly capable of driving myself home! 



         Of course she wasI just wasnt capable of letting her go. 



         I rolled her window down and leaned toward her.  Get in, Bella. 



         Her eyes narrowed, and I guessed that she was debating whether or not to make a 



run for it. 



         Ill just drag you back, I promised, enjoying the chagrin on her face when she 



realized I meant it. 



         Her chin stiffly in the air, she opened her door and climbed in.  Her hair dripped 



on the leather and her boots squeaked against each other. 



         This is completely unnecessary, she said coldly.  I thought she looked 



embarrassed under the pique. 



         I just turned up the heater so she wouldnt be uncomfortable, and set the music to 



a nice background level.  I drove out toward the exit, watching her from the corner of my 



eye.  Her lower lip was jutting out stubbornly.  I stared at this, examining how it made me 



feel thinking of the secretarys reaction again 



         Suddenly she looked at the stereo and smiled, her eyes widening.  Clair de 



Lune? she asked. 



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         A fan of the classics?  You know Debussy? 



         Not well, she said.  My mother plays a lot of classical music around the 



houseI only know my favorites. 



         Its one of my favorites, too.  I stared at the rain, considering that.  I actually 



had something in common with the girl.  Id begun to think that we were opposites in 



every way. 



         She seemed more relaxed now, staring at the rain like me, with unseeing eyes.  I 



used her momentary distraction to experiment with breathing. 



         I inhaled carefully through my nose. 



         Potent. 



         I clutched the steering wheel tighter.  The rain made her smell better.  I wouldnt 



have thought that was possible.  Stupidly, I was suddenly imaging how she would taste. 



         I tried to swallow against the burn in my throat, to think of something else. 



         What is your mother like? I asked as a distraction. 



         Bella smiled.  She looks a lot like me, but shes prettier. 



         I doubted that. 



         I have too much Charlie in me, she went on.  Shes more outgoing than I am, 



and braver. 



         I doubted that, too. 



         Shes irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and shes a very unpredictable cook. 



Shes my best friend.  Her voice had turned melancholy; her forehead creased. 



         Again, she sounded more like parent than child. 



         I stopped in front of her house, wondering too late if I was supposed to know 



where she lived.  No, this wouldnt be suspicious in such a small town, with her father a 



public figure 



         How old are you, Bella?  She must be older than her peers.  Perhaps shed been 



late to start school, or been held backthat wasnt likely, though. 



         Im seventeen, she answered. 



         You dont seem seventeen. 



         She laughed. 



         What? 



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         My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more middle- 



aged every year.  She laughed again, and then sighed.  Well, someone has to be the 



adult. 



         This clarified things for me.  I could see it nowhow the irresponsible mother 



helped explain Bellas maturity.  Shed had to grow up early, to become the caretaker. 



Thats why she didnt like being cared forshe felt it was her job. 



         You dont seem much like a junior in high school yourself, she said, pulling me 



from my reverie. 



         I grimaced.  For everything I perceived about her, she perceived too much in 



return.  I changed the subject. 



         So why did your mother marry Phil? 



         She hesitated a minute before answering.  My mothershes very young for her 



age.  I think Phil makes her feel even younger.  At any rate, shes crazy about him.  She 



shook her head indulgently. 



         Do you approve? I wondered. 



         Does it matter? she asked.  I want her to be happyand he is who she wants. 



         The unselfishness of her comment would have shocked me, except that it fit in all 



too well with what Id learned of her character. 



         Thats very generousI wonder. 



         What? 



         Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think?  No matter who your 



choice was? 



         It was a foolish question, and I could not keep my voice casual while I asked it. 



How stupid to even consider someone approving of me for their daughter.  How stupid to 



even think of Bella choosing me. 



         I-I think so, she stuttered, reacting in some way to my gaze.  Fearor 



attraction? 



         But shes the parent, after all.  Its a little bit different, she finished. 



         I smiled wryly.  No one too scary then. 



         She grinned at me.  What do you mean by scary?  Multiple facial piercings and 



extensive tattoos? 



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         Thats one definition, I suppose.  A very nonthreatening definition, to my mind. 



         Whats your definition? 



         She always asked the wrong questions.  Or exactly the right questions, maybe. 



The ones I didnt want to answer, at any rate. 



         Do you think that I could be scary? I asked her, trying to smile a little. 



         She thought it through before answering me in a serious voice.  HmmI think 



you could be, if you wanted to. 



         I was serious, too.  Are you frightened of me now? 



         She answered at once, not thinking this one through.  No. 



         I smiled more easily.  I did not think she was entirely telling the truth, but nor was 



she truly lying.  She wasnt frightened enough to want to leave, at least.  I wondered how 



she would feel if I told her she was having this discussion with a vampire.  I cringed 



internally at her imagined reaction. 



         So, now are you going to tell me about your family?  Its got to be a much more 



interesting story than mine. 



         A more frightening one, at least. 



         What do you want to know? I asked cautiously. 



         The Cullens adopted you? 



         Yes. 



         She hesitated, then spoke in a small voice.  What happened to your parents? 



         This wasnt so hard; I wasnt even having to lie to her.  They died a very long 



time ago. 



         Im sorry, she mumbled, clearly worried about having hurt me. 



         She was worried about me. 



         I dont really remember them that clearly, I assured her.  Carlisle and Esme 



have been my parents for a long time now. 



         And you love them, she deduced. 



         I smiled.  Yes.  I couldnt imagine two better people. 



         Youre very lucky. 



         I know I am.  In that one circumstance, the matter of parents, my luck could not 



be denied. 



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         And your brother and sisters? 



         If I let her push for too many details, I would have to lie.  I glanced at the clock, 



disheartened that my time with her was up. 



         My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going to be 



quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me. 



         Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go. 



         She didnt move.  She didnt want our time to be up, either.  I liked that very, very 



much. 



         And you probably want your truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you 



dont have to tell him about the Biology incident.  I grinned at the memory of her 



embarrassment in my arms. 



         Im sure hes already heard.  There are no secrets in Forks.  She said the name 



of the town with distinct distaste. 



         I laughed at her words.  No secrets, indeed.  Have fun at the beach.  I glanced at 



the pouring rain, knowing it would not last, and wishing more strongly than usual that it 



could.  Good weather for sunbathing.  Well, it would be by Saturday.  She would enjoy 



that. 



         Wont I see you tomorrow? 



         The worry in her tone pleased me. 



         No.  Emmett and I are starting the weekend early.  I was mad at myself now for 



having made the plans.  I could break thembut there was no such thing as too much 



hunting at this point, and my family was going to be concerned enough about my 



behavior without me revealing how obsessive I was turning. 



         What are you going to do? she asked, not sounded happy with my revelation. 



         Good. 



         Were going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier. 



Emmett was eager for bear season. 



         Oh, well, have fun, she said halfheartedly.  Her lack of enthusiasm pleased me 



again. 



         As I stared at her, I began to feel almost agonized at the thought of saying even a 



temporary goodbye.  She was just so soft and vulnerable.  It seemed foolhardy to let her 



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out of my sight, where anything could happen to her.  And yet, the worst things that could 



happen to her would result from being with me. 



         Will you do something for me this weekend? I asked seriously. 



         She nodded, her eyes wide and bewildered by my intensity. 



         Keep it light. 



         Dont be offended, but you seem to be one of those people who just attract 



accidents like a magnet.  Sotry not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all 



right? 



         I smiled ruefully at her, hoping she couldnt see the sadness in my eyes.  How 



much I wished that she wasnt so much better off away from me, no matter what might 



happen to her there. 



         Run, Bella, run.  I love you too much, for your good or mine. 



         She was offended by my teasing.  She glared at me.  Ill see what I can do, she 



snapped, jumping out into the rain and slamming the door as hard as she could behind 



her. 



         Just like an angry kitten that believes its a tiger. 



         I curled my hand around the key Id just picked from her jacket pocket, and 



smiled as I drove away. 



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                                              7.  Melody 



I had to wait when I got back to school.  The final hour wasnt out yet.  That was good, 



because I had things to think about and I needed the alone time. 



         Her scent lingered in the car.  I kept the windows up, letting it assault me, trying 



to get used to the feel of intentionally torching my throat. 



         Attraction. 



         It was a problematic thing to contemplate.  So many sides to it, so many different 



meanings and levels.  Not the same thing as love, but tied up in it inextricably. 



         I had no idea if Bella was attracted to me.  (Would her mental silence somehow 



continue to get more and more frustrating until I went mad?  Or was there a limit that I 



would eventually reach?) 



         I tried to compare her physical responses to others, like the secretary and Jessica 



Stanley, but the comparison was inconclusive.  The same markerschanges in heart rate 



and breathing patternscould just as easily mean fear or shock or anxiety as they did 



interest.  It seemed unlikely that Bella could be entertaining the same kinds of thoughts 



that Jessica Stanley used to have.  After all, Bella knew very well that there was 



something wrong with me, even if she didnt know what exactly it was.  She had touched 



my icy skin, and then yanked her hand away from the chill. 



         And yetas I remembered those fantasies that used to repulse me, but 



remembered them with Bella in Jessicas place 



         I was breathing more quickly, the fire clawing up and down my throat. 



         What if it had been Bella imagining me with my arms wrapped around her fragile 



body?  Feeling me pull her tightly against my chest and then cupping my hand under her 



chin?  Brushing the heavy curtain of her hair back from her blushing face?  Tracing the 



shape of her full lips with my fingertips?  Leaning my face closer to hers, where I could 



feel the heat of her breath on my mouth?  Moving closer still 



         But then I flinched away from the daydream, knowing, as I had known when 



Jessica had imagined these things, what would happen if I got that close to her. 



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         Attraction was an impossible dilemma, because I was already too attracted to 



Bella in the worst way. 



         Did I want Bella to be attracted to me, a woman to a man? 



         That was the wrong question.  The right question was should I want Bella to be 



attracted to me that way, and that answer was no.  Because I was not a human man, and 



that wasnt fair to her. 



         With every fiber of my being, I ached to be a normal man, so that I could hold her 



in my arms without risking her life.  So that I could be free to spin my own fantasies, 



fantasies that didnt end in with her blood on my hands, her blood glowing in my eyes. 



         My pursuit of her was indefensible.  What kind of relationship could I offer her, 



when I couldnt risk touching her? 



         I hung my head in my hands. 



         It was all the more confusing because I had never felt so human in my whole 



lifenot even when I was human, as far as I could recall.  When I had been human, my 



thoughts had all been turned to a soldiers glory.  The Great War had raged through most 



of my adolescence, and Id been only nine months away from my eighteenth birthday 



when the influenza had struck  I had just vague impressions of those human years, 



murky memories that faded more with every passing decade.  I remembered my mother 



most clearly, and felt an ancient ache when I thought of her face.  I recalled dimly how 



much she had hated the future Id raced eagerly toward, praying every night when she 



said grace at dinner that the horrid war would end  I had no memories of another 



kind of yearning.  Besides my mothers love, there was no other love that had made me 



wish to stay 



         This was entirely new to me.  I had no parallels to draw, no comparisons to make. 



         The love I felt for Bella had come purely, but now the waters were muddied.  I 



wanted very much to be able to touch her.  Did she feel the same way? 



         That didnt matter, I tried to convince myself. 



         I stared at my white hands, hating their hardness, their coldness, their inhuman 



strength 



         I jumped when the passenger door opened. 



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         Ha.  Caught you by surprise.  Theres a first, Emmett thought as he slid into the 



seat.  Ill bet Mrs. Goff thinks youre on drugs, youve been so erratic lately.  Where 



were you today? 



         I wasdoing good deeds. 



         Huh? 



         I chuckled.  Caring for the sick, that kind of thing. 



         That confused him more, but then he inhaled and caught the scent in the car. 



         Oh.  The girl again? 



         I grimaced. 



         This is getting weird. 



         Tell me about it, I mumbled. 



         He inhaled again.  Hmm, she does have a quite a flavor, doesnt she? 



         The snarl broke through my lips before his words had even registered all the way, 



an automatic response. 



         Easy, kid, Im just sayin. 



         The others arrived then.  Rosalie noticed the scent at once and glowered at me, 



still not over her irritation.  I wondered what her problem was, but all I could hear from 



her were insults. 



         I didnt like Jaspers reaction, either.  Like Emmett, he noticed Bellas appeal. 



Not that the scent had, for either of them, a thousandth portion of the draw it had for me. 



I was still upset me that her blood was sweet to them.  Jasper had poor control 



         Alice skipped to my side of the car and held her hand out for Bellas truck key. 



         I only saw that I was, she saidobscurely, as was her habit.  Youll have to 



tell me the whys. 



         This doesnt mean 



         I know, I know.  Ill wait.  It wont be long. 



         I sighed and gave her the key. 



         I followed her to Bellas house.  The rain was pounding down like a million tiny 



hammers, so loud that maybe Bellas human ears couldnt hear the thunder of the trucks 



engine.  I watched her window, but she didnt come to look out.  Maybe she wasnt there. 



There were no thoughts to hear. 



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         It made me sad that I couldnt hear enough even to check on herto make sure 



she was happy, or safe, at the least. 



         Alice climbed in the back and we sped home.  The roads were empty, and so it 



only took a few minutes.  We trooped into the house, and then went to our various 



pastimes. 



         Emmett and Jasper were in the middle of an elaborate game of chess, utilizing 



eight joined boardsspread out along the glass back walland their own complicated 



set of rules.  They wouldnt let me play; only Alice would play games with me anymore. 



         Alice went to her computer just around the corner from them and I could hear her 



monitors sing to life.  Alice was working on a fashion design project for Rosalies 



wardrobe, but Rosalie did not join her today, to stand behind her and direct cut and color 



as Alices hand traced over the touch sensitive screens (Carlisle and I had had to tweak 



that system a bit, given that most such screens responded to temperature).  Instead, today 



Rosalie sprawled sullenly on the sofa and started flipping through twenty channels a 



second on the flat screen, never pausing.  I could hear her trying to decide whether or not 



to go out to the garage and tune her BMW again. 



         Esme was upstairs, humming over a new set of blue prints. 



         Alice leaned her head around the wall after a moment and started mouthing 



Emmetts next movesEmmett sat on the floor with his back to herto Jasper, who 



kept his expression very smooth as he cut off Emmetts favorite knight. 



         And I, for the first time in so long that I felt ashamed, went to sit at the exquisite 



grand piano stationed just off the entryway. 



         I ran my hand gently up the scales, testing the pitch.  The tuning was still perfect. 



         Upstairs, Esme paused what she was doing and cocked her head to the side. 



         I began the first line of the tune that had suggested itself to me in the car today, 



pleased that it sounded even better than Id imagined. 



         Edward is playing again, Esme thought joyously, a smile breaking across her 



face.  She got up from her desk, and flitted silently to the head of the stairs. 



         I added a harmonizing line, letting the central melody weave through it. 



         Esme sighed with contentment, sat down on the top step, and leaned her head 



against the banister.  A new song.  Its been so long.  What a lovely tune. 



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         I let the melody lead in a new direction, following it with the bass line. 



         Edward is composing again? Rosalie thought, and her teeth clenched together in 



fierce resentment. 



         In that moment, she slipped, and I could read all her underlying outrage.  I saw 



why she was in such a poor temper with me.  Why killing Isabella Swan had not bothered 



her conscience at all. 



         With Rosalie, it was always about vanity. 



         The music came to an abrupt halt, and I laughed before I could help myself, a 



sharp bark of amusement that broke off quickly as I threw my hand over my mouth. 



         Rosalie turned to glare at me, her eyes sparking with chagrined fury. 



         Emmett and Jasper turned to stare, too, and I heard Esmes confusion.  Esme was 



downstairs in a flash, pausing to glance between Rosalie and me. 



         Dont stop, Edward, Esme encouraged after a strained moment. 



         I started playing again, turning my back on Rosalie while trying very hard to 



control the grin stretching across my face.  She got to her feet and stalked out of the 



room, more angry than embarrassed.  But certainly quite embarrassed. 



         If you say anything I will hunt you like a dog. 



         I smothered another laugh. 



         Whats wrong, Rose? Emmett called after her.  Rosalie didnt turn.  She 



continued, back ramrod straight, to the garage and then squirmed under her car as if she 



could bury herself there. 



         Whats that about?  Emmett asked me. 



         I dont have the faintest idea, I lied. 



         Emmett grumbled, frustrated. 



         Keep playing, Esme urged.  My hands had paused again. 



         I did as she asked, and she came to stand behind me, putting her hands on my 



shoulders. 



         The song was compelling, but incomplete.  I toyed with a bridge, but it didnt 



seem right somehow. 



         Its charming.  Does it have a name?  Esme asked. 



         Not yet. 



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         Is there a story to it? she asked, a smile in her voice.  This gave her very great 



pleasure, and I felt guilty for having neglected my music for so long.  It had been selfish. 



         Itsa lullaby, I suppose.  I got the bridge right then.  It led easily to the next 



 movement, taking on a life of its own. 



         A lullaby, she repeated to herself. 



         There was a story to this melody, and once I saw that, the pieces fell into place 



 effortlessly.  The story was a sleeping girl in a narrow bed, dark hair thick and wild and 



 twisted like seaweed across the pillow 



         Alice left Jasper to his own devices and came to sit next to me on the bench.  In 



 her trilling, wind chime voice, she sketched out a wordless descant two octaves above the 



 melody. 



         I like it, I murmured.  But how about this? 



         I added her line to the harmonymy hands were flying across the keys now to 



 work all the pieces togethermodifying it a bit, taking it in a new direction 



         She caught the mood, and sung along. 



         Yes.  Perfect, I said. 



         Esme squeezed my shoulder. 



         But I could see the end now, with Alices voice rising above the tune and taking it 



 to another place.  I could see how the song must end, because the sleeping girl was 



perfect just the way she was, and any change at all would be wrong, a sadness.  The song 



 drifted toward that realization, slower and lower now.  Alices voice lowered, too, and 



 became solemn, a tone that belonged under the echoing arches of a candlelit cathedral. 



         I played the last note, and then bowed my head over the keys. 



         Esme stroked my hair.  Its going to be fine, Edward.  This is going to work out 



fo r the best.  You deserve happiness, my son. Fate owes you that. 



         Thanks, I whispered, wishing I could believe it. 



         Love doesnt always come in convenient packages. 



         I laughed once without humor. 



          You, out of everyone on this planet, are perhaps best equipped to deal with such a 



 difficult quandary.  You are the best and the brightest of us all. 



         I sighed.  Every mother thought the same of her son. 



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         Esme was still full of joy that my heart had finally been touched after all this time, 



no matter the potential for tragedy.  Shed thought I would always be alone 



         Shell have to love you back, she thought suddenly, catching me by surprise with 



the direction of her thoughts.  If shes a bright girl.      She smiled.  But I cant imagine 



anyone being so slow they wouldnt see the catch you are. 



         Stop it, Mom, youre making me blush, I teased.  Her words, though 



improbable, did cheer me. 



         Alice laughed and picked out the top hand of Heart and Soul.  I grinned and 



completed the simple harmony with her.  Then I favored her with a performance of 



Chopsticks. 



         She giggled, then sighed.  So I wish youd tell me what you were laughing at 



Rose about, Alice said.  But I can see that you wont. 



         Nope. 



         She flicked my ear with her finger. 



         Be nice, Alice, Esme chided.  Edward is being a gentleman. 



         But I want to know. 



         I laughed at the whining tone she put on.  Then I said, Here, Esme, and began 



playing her favorite song, an unnamed tribute to the love Id watched between her and 



Carlisle for so many years. 



         Thank you, dear.  She squeezed my shoulder again. 



         I didnt have to concentrate to play the familiar piece.  Instead I thought of 



Rosalie, still figuratively writhing in mortification in the garage, and I grinned to myself. 



         Having just discovered the potency of jealousy for myself, I had a small amount 



of pity for her.  It was a wretched way to feel.  Of course, her jealously was a thousand 



times more petty than mine.  Quite the fox in the manger scenario. 



         I wondered how Rosalies life and personality would have been different if she 



had not always been the most beautiful.  Would she have been a happier person if beauty 



hadnt at all times been her strongest selling point?  Less egocentric?  More 



compassionate?  Well, I supposed it was useless to wonder, because the past was done, 



and she always had been the most beautiful.  Even when human, she had ever lived in the 



spotlight of her own loveliness.  Not that shed minded.  The oppositeshed loved 



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admiration above almost anything else.         That hadnt changed with the loss of her 



mortality. 



         It was no surprise then, taking this need as a given, that shed been offended when 



I had not, from the beginning, worshiped her beauty the way she expected all males to 



worship.  Not that shed wanted me in any wayfar from it.  But it had aggravated her 



that I did not want her, despite that.  She was used to being wanted. 



         It was different with Jasper and Carlislethey were already both in love.  I was 



completely unattached, and yet still remained obstinately unmoved. 



         Id thought that old resentment was buried.  That she was long passed it. 



         And she had beenuntil the day that I finally found someone whose beauty 



touched me the way hers had not. 



         Rosalie had relied on the belief that if I did not find her beauty worth worshiping, 



then certainly there was no beauty on earth that would reach me.  Shed been furious 



since the moment Id saved Bellas life, guessing, with her shrewd female intuition, the 



interest that I was all but unconscious of myself. 



         Rosalie was mortally offended that I found some insignificant human girl more 



appealing than her. 



         I suppressed the urge to laugh again. 



         It bothered me some, though, the way she saw Bella.  Rosalie actually thought the 



girl wasplain .  How could she believe that?  It seemed incomprehensible to me.  A 



product of the jealousy, no doubt. 



         Oh! Alice said abruptly.  Jasper, guess what? 



         I saw what shed just seen, and my hands froze on the keys. 



         What, Alice? Jasper asked. 



         Peter and Charlotte are coming to visit next week!  Theyre going to be in the 



neighborhood, isnt that nice? 



         Whats wrong, Edward? Esme asked, feeling the tension in my shoulders. 



         Peter and Charlotte are coming to Forks? I hissed at Alice 



         She rolled her eyes at me.     Calm down, Edward.  Its not their first visit. 



         My teeth clenched together.  It was their first visit since Bella had arrived, and her 



sweet blood didnt appeal just to me. 



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         Alice frowned at my expression.  They never hunt here.  You know that. 



         But Jaspers brother of sorts and the little vampire he loved were not like us; they 



hunted the usual way.  They could not be trusted around Bella. 



         When? I demanded. 



         She pursed her lips unhappily, but told me what I needed to know.  Monday 



morning.  No one is going to hurt Bella. 



         No, I agreed, and then turned away from her.  You ready, Emmett? 



         I thought we were leaving in the morning? 



         Were coming back by midnight Sunday.  I guess its up to you when you want 



to leave. 



         Okay, fine.  Let me say goodbye to Rose first. 



         Sure.  With the mood Rosalie was in, it would be a short goodbye. 



         You really have lost it, Edward, he thought as he headed toward the back door. 



         I suppose I have. 



         Play the new song for me, one more time, Esme asked. 



         If youd like that, I agreed, though I was a little hesitant to follow the tune to its 



unavoidable endthe end that had set me aching in unfamiliar ways.  I thought for a 



moment, and then pulled the bottle cap from my pocket and set it on the empty music 



stand.  That helped a bitmy little memento of her yes . 



         I nodded to myself, and started playing. 



         Esme and Alice exchanged a glance, but neither one asked. 



Hasnt anyone ever told you not to play with your food? I called to Emmett. 



         Oh, hey Edward! he shouted back, grinning and waving at me.  The bear took 



advantage of his distraction to rake its heavy paw across Emmetts chest.  The sharp 



claws shredded through his shirt, and squealed across his skin. 



         The bear bellowed at the high-pitched noise. 



         Aw hell, Rose gave me this shirt! 



         Emmett roared back at the enraged animal. 



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         I sighed and sat down on a convenient boulder. This might take awhile. 



         But Emmett was almost done.  He let the bear try to take his head off with another 



swipe of the paw, laughing as the blow bounced off and sent the bear staggering back. 



The bear roared and Emmett roared again through his laughter.  Then he launched 



himself at the animal, who stood a head taller than him on its hind legs, and their bodies 



fell to the ground tangled up together, taking a mature spruce tree down with them.  The 



bears growls cut off with a gurgle. 



         A few minutes later, Emmett jogged over to where I was waiting for him.  His 



shirt was destroyed, torn and bloodied, sticky with sap and covered in fur.  His dark curly 



hair wasnt in much better shape.  He had a huge grin on his face. 



         That was a strong one.  I could almost feel it when he clawed me. 



         Youre such a child, Emmett. 



         He eyed my smooth, clean white button-down.  Werent you able to track down 



that mountain lion, then? 



         Of course I was.  I just dont eat like a savage. 



         Emmett laughed his booming laugh.  I wish they were stronger.  It would be 



more fun. 



         No one said you had to fight your food. 



         Yeah, but who else am I going to fight with?  You and Alice cheat, Rose never 



wants to get her hair messed up, and Esme gets mad if Jasper and I really go at it. 



         Life is hard all around, isnt it? 



         Emmett grinned at me, shifting his weight a bit so that he was suddenly poised to 



take a charge. 



         Cmon Edward.  Just turn it off for one minute and fight fair. 



         It doesnt turn off, I reminded him. 



         Wonder what that human girl does to keep you out?  Emmett mused.  Maybe 



she could give me some pointers. 



         My good humor vanished.  Stay away from her, I growled through my teeth. 



         Touchy, touchy. 



         I sighed.  Emmett came to sit beside me on the rock. 



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         Sorry.  I know youre going through a tough spot.  I really am trying to not be 



too much of an insensitive jerk, but, since thats sort of my natural state 



         He waited for me to laugh at his joke, and then made a face. 



         So serious all the time.  Whats bugging you now? 



         Thinking about her.  Well, worrying, really. 



         Whats there to worry about?        You are here.  He laughed loudly. 



         I ignored his joke again, but answered his question.  Have you ever thought 



about how fragile they all are?  How many bad things there are that can happen to a 



mortal? 



         Not really.  I guess I see what you mean, though.  I wasnt much match for a 



bear that first time around, was I? 



         Bears, I muttered, adding a new fear to the pile.  That would be just her luck, 



wouldnt it?  Stray bear in town.  Of course it would head straight for Bella. 



         Emmett chuckled.  You sound like a crazy person, do you know that? 



         Just imagine for one minute that Rosalie was human, Emmett.  And she could 



run into a bearor get hit by a caror lighteningor fall down stairsor get sickget 



a disease!  The words burst from me stormily.  It was a relief to let them outtheyd 



been festering inside me all weekend.  Fires and earthquakes and tornados!  Ugh! 



Whens the last time you watched the news?  Have you seen the kinds of things that 



happen to them?  Burglaries and homicides My teeth clenched together, and I was 



abruptly so infuriated by the idea of another human hurting her that I couldnt breathe. 



         Whoa, whoa!  Hold up, there, kid.  She lives in Forks, remember?  So she gets 



rained on.  He shrugged. 



         I think she has some serious bad luck, Emmett, I really do.  Look at the evidence. 



Of all the places in the world she could go, she ends up in a town where vampires make 



up a significant portion of the population. 



         Yeah, but were vegetarians.  So isnt that good luck, not bad? 



         With the way she smells?  Definitely bad.  And then, more bad luck, the way she 



smells to me.  I glowered at my hands, hating them again. 



         Except that you have more self-control than just about anyone but Carlisle. 



Good luck again. 



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         The van? 



         That was just an accident. 



         You should have seen it coming for her, Em, again and again.  I swear, it was 



like she had some kind of magnetic pull. 



         But you were there.  That was good luck. 



         Was it?  Isnt this the worst luck any human could ever possibly haveto have a 



vampire fall in love with them? 



         Emmett considered that quietly for a moment.  He pictured the girl in his head, 



and found the image uninteresting.  Honestly, I cant really see the draw. 



         Well, I cant really see Rosalies allure, either, I said rudely.  Honestly, she 



seems like more work than any pretty face is worth. 



         Emmett chuckled.  I dont suppose youd tell me 



         I dont know what her problem is, Emmett, I lied with a sudden, wide grin. 



         I saw his intent in time to brace myself.  He tried to shove me off the rock, and 



there was a loud cracking sound as a fissure opened in the stone between us. 



         Cheater, he muttered. 



         I waited for him to try another time, but his thoughts took a different direction. 



He was picturing Bellas face again, but imagining it whiter, imagining her eyes bright 



red 



         No, I said, my voice strangled. 



         It solves your worries about mortality, doesnt it?  And then you wouldnt want 



to kill her, either.  Isnt that the best way? 



         For me?  Or for her? 



         For you, he answered easily.  His tone added the of course. 



         I laughed humorlessly.  Wrong answer. 



         I didnt mind so much, he reminded me. 



         Rosalie did. 



         He sighed.  We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it 



meant she could be human again.  Even Emmett. 



         Yeah, Rose did, he acquiesced quietly. 



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         I cant  I shouldnt  Im not going to ruin Bellas life.  Wouldnt you feel the 



same, if it were Rosalie? 



         Emmett thought about that for a moment.           You reallylove her? 



         I cant even describe it, Emmett.  All of a sudden, this girls the whole world to 



me.  I dont see the point of the rest of the world without her anymore. 



         But you wont change her?  She wont last forever, Edward. 



         I know that, I groaned. 



         And, as youve pointed out, shes sort of breakable. 



         Trust methat I know, too. 



         Emmett was not a tactful person, and delicate discussions were not his forte.  He 



struggled now, wanting very much not to be offensive. 



         Can you even touch her?  I mean, if you love herwouldnt you want to, well 



touch her? 



         Emmett and Rosalie shared an intensely physical love.  He had a hard time 



understanding how one could love, without that aspect. 



         I sighed.  I cant even think of that, Emmett. 



         Wow.  So what are your options, then? 



         I dont know, I whispered.  Im trying to figure out a way toto leave her.  I 



just cant fathom how to make myself stay away 



         With a deep sense of gratification, I suddenly realized that it was right for me to 



stayat least for now, with Peter and Charlotte on their way.  She was safer with me 



here, temporarily, than she would be if I were gone.  For the moment, I could be her 



unlikely protector. 



         The thought made me anxious; I itched to be back so that I could fill that role for 



as long as possible. 



         Emmett noticed the change in my expression.            What are you thinking about? 



         Right now, I admitted a bit sheepishly, Im dying to run back to Forks and 



check on her.  I dont know if Ill make it till Sunday night. 



         Uh-uh!  You are not going home early.  Let Rosalie cool down a little bit. 



Please!  For my sake. 



         Ill try to stay, I said doubtfully. 



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         Emmett tapped the phone in my pocket.           Alice would call if there were any basis 



for your panic attack.  Shes as weird about this girl as you are. 



         I grimaced at that.  Fine.  But Im not staying past Sunday. 



         Theres no point in hurrying backits going to be sunny, anyway.  Alice said 



we were free from school until Wednesday. 



         I shook my head rigidly. 



         Peter and Charlotte know how to behave themselves. 



         I really dont care, Emmett.  With Bellas luck, shell go wandering off into the 



woods at exactly the wrong moment and I flinched.  Peter isnt known for his self- 



control.  Im going back Sunday. 



         Emmett sighed.  Exactly like a crazy person. 



Bella was sleeping peacefully when I climbed up to her bedroom window early Monday 



morning.  Id remembered oil this time, and the window now moved silently out of my 



way. 



         I could tell by the way her hair lay smooth across the pillow that shed had a less 



restless night than the last time I was here.  She had her hands folded under her cheek like 



a small child, and her mouth was slightly open.  I could hear her breath moving slowly in 



and out between her lips. 



         It was an amazing relief to be here, to be able to see her again.  I realized that I 



wasnt truly at ease unless that was the case.  Nothing was right when I was away from 



her. 



         Not that all was right when I was with her, either, though.  I sighed, letting the 



thirst fire rake through my throat.  Id been away from it too long.  The time spent 



without pain and temptation made it all the more forceful now.  It was bad enough that I 



was afraid to go kneel beside her bed so that I could read the titles of her books.  I wanted 



to know the stories in her head, but I was afraid of more than my thirst, afraid that if I let 



myself get that close to her, I would want to be closer still 



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         Her lips looked very soft and warm.  I could imagine touching them with the tip 



of my finger.  Just lightly 



         That was exactly the kind of mistake that I had to avoid. 



         My eyes ran over her face again and again, examining it for changes.  Mortals 



changed all the timeI was sad at the thought of missing anything 



         I thought she lookedtired.  Like she hadnt gotten enough sleep this weekend. 



Had she gone out? 



         I laughed silently and wryly at how much that upset me.  So what if she had?  I 



didnt own her.  She wasnt mine. 



         No, she wasnt mineand I was sad again. 



         One of her hands twitched, and I noticed that there were shallow, barely healed 



scrapes across the heel of her palm.  Shed been hurt?  Even though it was obviously not 



a serious injury, it still disturbed me.  I considered the location, and decided she must 



have tripped.  That seemed a reasonable explanation, all things considered. 



         It was comforting to think that I wouldnt have to puzzle over either of these 



small mysteries forever.  We werefriends  nowor, at least, trying to be friends.  I could 



ask her about her weekendabout the beach, and whatever late night activity had made 



her look so weary.  I could ask what had happened to her hands.  And I could laugh a 



little when she confirmed my theory about them. 



         I smiled gently as I wondered whether or not she had fallen in the ocean.  I 



wondered if shed had a pleasant time on the outing.  I wondered if shed thought about 



me at all.  If shed missed me even the tiniest portion of the amount that Id missed her. 



         I tried to picture her in the sun on the beach.  The picture was incomplete, though, 



because Id never been to First Beach myself.  I only knew how it looked in pictures 



         I felt a tiny qualm of unease as I thought about the reason why Id never once 



been to the pretty beach located just a few minutes run from my home.  Bella had spent 



the day at La Pusha place where I was forbidden, by treaty, to go.  A place where a few 



old men still remembered the stories about the Cullens, remembered and believed them. 



A place where our secret was known 



         I shook my head.  I had nothing to worry about there.  The Quileutes were bound 



by treaty, too.  Even had Bella run into one of those aging sages, they could reveal 



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nothing.  And why would the subject ever be broached?  Why would Bella think to voice 



her curiosity there?  Nothe Quileutes were perhaps the one thing I did not have to 



worry about. 



         I was angry with the sun when it began to rise.  It reminded me that I could not 



satisfy my curiosity for days to come.  Why did it choose to shine now? 



         With a sigh, I ducked out her window before it was light enough for anyone to see 



me here.  I meant to stay in the thick forest by her house and see her off to school, but 



when I got into the trees, I was surprised to find the trace of her scent lingering on the 



trail there. 



         I followed it quickly, curiously, becoming more and more worried as it led deeper 



into the darkness.  What had Bella been doing out here? 



         The trail stopped abruptly, in the middle of nowhere in particular.  Shed gone just 



a few steps off the trail, into the ferns, where shed touched the trunk of a fallen tree. 



Perhaps sat there 



         I sat where she had, and looked around.  All she would have been able to see was 



ferns and forest.  It had probably been rainingthe scent was washed out, having never 



set deeply into the tree. 



         Why would Bella have come to sit here aloneand she had been alone, no doubt 



about thatin the middle of the wet, murky forest? 



         It made no sense, and, unlike those other points of curiosity, I could hardly bring 



this up in casual conversation. 



         So, Bella, I was following your scent through the woods after I left your room 



where Id been watching you sleep Yes, that would be quite the ice breaker. 



         I would never know what shed been thinking and doing here, and that had my 



teeth grinding together in frustration.  Worse, this was far too much like the scenario Id 



imagined for EmmettBella wandering alone in the woods, where her scent would call 



to anyone who had the senses to track it 



         I groaned.  Not only did she have bad luck, but she courted it. 



         Well, for this moment she had a protector.  I would watch over her, keep her from 



harm, for as long as I could justify it. 



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  156 



         I suddenly found myself wishing that Peter and Charlotte would make an 



extended stay. 



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                                                8. Ghost 



I did not see much of Jaspers guests for the two sunny days that they were in Forks.  I 



only went home at all so that Esme wouldnt worry.  Otherwise, my existence seemed 



more like that of a specter than a vampire.  I hovered, invisible in the shadows, where I 



could follow the object of my love and obsessionwhere I could see her and hear her in 



the minds of the lucky humans who could walk through the sunlight beside her, 



sometimes accidentally brushing the back of her hand with their own.  She never reacted 



to such contact; their hands were just as warm as hers. 



         The enforced absence from school had never been a trial like this before.  But the 



sun seemed to make her happy, so I could not resent it too much.  Anything that pleased 



her was in my good graces. 



         Monday morning, I eavesdropped on a conversation that had the potential to 



destroy my confidence and make the time spent away from her a torture.  As it ended up, 



though, it rather made my day. 



         I had to feel some little respect for Mike Newton; he had not simply given up and 



slunk away to nurse his wounds.  He had more bravery than Id given him credit for.  He 



was going to try again. 



         Bella got to school quite early and, seeming intent on enjoying the sun while it 



lasted, sat at one of the seldom used picnic benches while she waited for the first bell to 



ring.  Her hair caught the sun in unexpected ways, giving off a reddish shine that I had 



not anticipated. 



         Mike found her there, doodling again, and was thrilled at his good luck. 



         It was agonizing to only be able to watch, powerless, bound to the forests 



shadows by the bright sunlight. 



         She greeted him with enough enthusiasm to make him ecstatic, and me the 



opposite. 



         See, she likes me.  She wouldnt smile like that if she didnt.  I bet she wanted to 



go to the dance with me.  Wonder whats so important in Seattle 



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         He perceived the change in her hair.       I never noticed beforeyour hair has red in 



it. 



         I accidentally uprooted the young spruce tree my hand was resting on when he 



pinched a strand of her hair between his fingers. 



         Only in the sun, she said.  To my deep satisfaction, she cringed away from him 



slightly when he tucked the strand behind her ear. 



         It took Mike a minute to build up his courage, wasting some time on small talk. 



         She reminded him of the essay we all had due on Wednesday.  From the faintly 



smug expression on her face, hers was already done.  Hed forgotten altogether, and that 



severely diminished his free time. 



         Dangstupid essay. 



         Finally he got to the pointmy teeth were clenched so hard they could have 



pulverized graniteand even then, he couldnt make himself ask the question outright. 



          I was going to ask if you wanted to go out. 



         Oh, she said. 



         There was a brief silence. 



         Oh?  What does that mean?  Is she going to yes?  WaitI guess I didnt really 



ask. 



         He swallowed hard. 



         Well, we could go to dinner or somethingand I could work on it later. 



         Stupidthat wasnt a question either. 



         Mike 



         The agony and fury of my jealousy was every whit as powerful as it had been last 



week.  I broke another tree trying to hold myself here.  I wanted so badly to race across 



the campus, too fast for human eyes, and snatch her upto steal her away from the boy 



that I hated so much in this moment I could have kill him and enjoyed it. 



         Would she say yes to him? 



         I dont think that would be the best idea. 



         I breathed again.  My rigid body relaxed. 



         Seattle was just an excuse, after all.  Shouldnt have asked.  What was I thinking? 



Bet its that freak, Cullen 



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         Why? he asked sullenly. 



         I think she hesitated.  And if you ever repeat what Im saying right now I 



will cheerfully beat you to death 



         I laughed out loud at the sound of a death threat coming through her lips.  A jay 



shrieked, startled, and launched itself away from me. 



         But I think that would hurt Jessicas feelings. 



         Jessica?   What?  But  Oh.  Okay.  I guess So  Huh. 



         His thoughts were no longer coherent. 



         Really, Mike, are you blind? 



         I echoed her sentiment.  She shouldnt expect everyone to be as perceptive as she 



was, but really this instance was beyond obvious.  With as much trouble as Mike had had 



working himself up to ask Bella out, did he imagine it wasnt just as difficult for Jessica? 



It must be selfishness that made him blind to others.  And Bella was so unselfish, she saw 



everything. 



         Jessica.  Huh.  Wow.  Huh.       Oh, he managed to say. 



         Bella used his confusion to make her exit. 



         Its time for class, and I cant be late again. 



         Mike became an unreliable viewpoint from then on.  He found, as he turned the 



idea of Jessica around and around in his head, that he rather liked the thought of her 



finding him attractive.  It was second place, not as good as if Bella had felt that way. 



         Shes cute, though, I guess.  Decent body.  A bird in the hand 



         He was off then, on to new fantasies that were just as vulgar as the ones about 



Bella, but now they only irritated rather than infuriated.  How little he deserved either 



girl; they were almost interchangeable to him.  I stayed clear of his head after that. 



         When she was out of sight, I curled up against the cool trunk of an enormous 



madrone tree and I danced from mind to mind, keeping her in sight, always glad when 



Angela Weber was available to look through.  I wished there was someway to thank the 



Weber girl for simply being a nice person.  It made me feel better to think that Bella had 



one friend worth having. 



         I watched Bellas face from whichever angle I was given, and I could see that she 



was sad again.  This surprised meI thought the sun would be enough to keep her 



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smiling.  At lunch, I saw her glance time and time again toward the empty Cullen table, 



and that thrilled me.  It gave me hope.  Perhaps she missed me, too. 



         She had plans to go out with the other girlsI automatically planned my own 



surveillancebut these plans were postponed when Mike invited Jessica out on the date 



hed planned for Bella. 



         So I went straight to her home instead, doing a quick sweep of the woods to make 



sure no one dangerous had wandered too close.  I knew Jasper had warned his one-time 



brother to avoid the townciting my insanity as both explanation and warningbut I 



wasnt taking any chances.  Peter and Charlotte had no intention of causing animosity 



with my family, but intentions were changeable things 



         All right, I was overdoing it. I knew that. 



         As if she knew I was watching, as if she took pity on the agony I felt when I 



couldnt see her, Bella came out to the backyard after a long hour indoors.  She had a 



book in her hand and a blanket under her arm. 



         Silently, I climbed into the higher branches of the closest tree overlooking the 



yard. 



         She spread the blanket on the damp grass and then lay on her stomach and started 



flipping through the worn book, as if trying to find her place.  I read over her shoulder. 



         Ahmore classics.  She was an Austen fan. 



         She read quickly, crossing and recrossing her ankles in the air.  I was watching 



the sunlight and wind play in her hair when her body suddenly stiffened, and her hand 



froze on the page.  All I saw was that shed reached chapter three when she roughly 



grabbed a thick section of pages and shoved them over. 



         I caught a glance of a title page, Mansfield Park.        She was starting a new story 



the book was a compilation of novels.  I wondered why shed switched stories so 



abruptly. 



         Just a few moments later, she slammed the book angrily shut.  With a fierce scowl 



on her face, she pushed the book aside and flipped over onto her back.  She took a deep 



breath, as if to calm herself, pushed her sleeves up and closed her eyes.  I remembered the 



novel, but I couldnt think of anything offensive in it to upset her.  Another mystery.  I 



sighed. 



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         She lay very still, moving just once to yank her hair away from her face.  It 



fanned out over her head, a river of chestnut.  And then she was motionless again. 



         Her breathing slowed.  After several long minutes her lips began to tremble. 



Mumbling in her sleep. 



         Impossible to resist.  I listened as far out as I could, catching voices in the houses 



nearby. 



         Two tablespoons of flourone cup of milk 



         Cmon!  Get it through the hoop!  Aw, cmon! 



         Red, or blueor maybe I should wear something more casual 



         There was no one close by.  I jumped to the ground, landing silently on my toes. 



         This was very wrong, very risky.  How condescendingly Id once judged Emmett 



for his thoughtless ways and Jasper for his lack of disciplineand now I was consciously 



flouting all the rules with a wild abandon that made their lapses look like nothing at all.  I 



used to be the responsible one. 



         I sighed, but crept out into the sunshine, regardless. 



         I avoided looking at myself in the suns glare.  It was bad enough that my skin 



was stone and inhuman in shadow; I didnt want to look at Bella and myself side by side 



in the sunlight.  The difference between us was already insurmountable, painful enough 



without this image also in my head. 



         But I couldnt ignore the rainbow sparkles that reflected onto her skin when I got 



closer.  My jaw locked at the sight.  Could I be any more of a freak?  I imagined her 



terror if she opened her eyes now 



         I started to retreat, but she mumbled again, holding me there. 



         Mmm  Mmm. 



         Nothing intelligible.  Well, I would wait for a bit. 



         I carefully stole her book, stretching my arm out and holding my breath while I 



was close, just in case.  I started breathing again when I was a few yards away, tasting the 



way the sunshine and open air affected her scent.  The heat seemed to sweeten the smell. 



My throat flamed with desire, the fire fresh and fierce again because I had been away 



from her for too long. 



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         I spent a moment controlling that, and thenforcing myself to breathe through 



my noseI let her book fall open in my hands.  Shed started with the first book  I 



flipped through the pages quickly to the third chapter of Sense and Sensibility, searching 



for something potentially offensive in Austens overly polite prose. 



         When my eyes stopped automatically at my namethe character Edward Ferrars 



being introduced for the first timeBella spoke again. 



         Mmm.  Edward.  She sighed. 



         This time I did not fear that she had awoken.  Her voice was just a low, wistful 



murmur.  Not the scream of fear it would have been if shed seen me now. 



         Joy warred with self-loathing.  She was still dreaming of me, at least. 



         Edmund.  Ahh.  Too.close 



         Edmund? 



         Ha!  She wasnt dreaming of me at all, I realized blackly.  The self-loathing 



returned in force.  She was dreaming of fictional characters.  So much for my conceit. 



         I replaced her book, and stole back into the cover of the shadowswhere I 



belonged. 



         The afternoon passed and I watched, feeling helpless again, as the sun slowly 



sank in the sky and the shadows crawled across the lawn toward her.  I wanted to push 



them back, but the darkness was inevitable; the shadows took her.  When the light was 



gone, her skin looked too paleghostly.  Her hair was dark again, almost black against 



her face. 



         It was a frightening thing to watchlike witnessing Alices visions come to 



fruition.  Bellas steady, strong heartbeat was the only reassurance, the sound that kept 



this moment from feeling like a nightmare. 



         I was relieved when her father arrived home. 



         I could hear little from him as he drove down the street toward the house.  Some 



vague annoyancein the past, something from his day at work.  Expectation mixed with 



hungerI guessed that he was looking forward to dinner.  But his thoughts were so quiet 



and contained that I could not be sure I was right; I only got the gist of them. 



         I wondered what her mother sounded likewhat the genetic combination had 



been that had formed her so uniquely. 



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         Bella started awake, jerking up to a sitting position when the tires of her fathers 



car hit the brick driveway.  She stared around herself, seeming confused by the 



unexpected darkness.  For one brief moment, her eyes touched the shadows where I hid, 



but they flickered quickly away. 



         Charlie? she asked in a low voice, still peering into the trees surrounding the 



small yard. 



         The door of his car slammed shut, and she looked to the sound.  She got to her 



feet quickly and gathered her things, casting one more look back toward the woods. 



         I moved into a tree closer to the back window near the small kitchen, and listened 



to their evening.  It was interesting to compare Charlies words to his muffled thoughts. 



His love and concern for his only daughter were nearly overwhelming, and yet his words 



were always terse and casual.  Most of the time, they sat in companionable silence. 



         I heard her discuss her plans for the following evening in Port Angeles, and I 



refined my own plans as I listened.  Jasper had not warned Peter and Charlotte to stay 



clear of Port Angeles.  Though I knew that they had fed recently and had no intention of 



hunting any where in the vicinity of our home, I would watch her, just in case.  After all, 



there were always others of my kind out there.  And then, all those human dangers that I 



had never much considered before now. 



         I heard her worry aloud about leaving her father to prepare dinner alone, and 



smiled at this proof to my theoryyes, she was a care-taker. 



         And then I left, knowing I would return when she was asleep. 



         I would not trespass on her privacy the way the peeping tom would have.  I was 



here for her protection, not to leer at her in the way Mike Newton no doubt would, were 



he agile enough to move through the treetops the way I could.  I would not treat her so 



crassly. 



         My house was empty when I returned, which was fine by me.  I didnt miss the 



confused or disparaging thoughts, questioning my sanity.  Emmett had left a note stuck to 



the newel post. 



         Football at the Rainier fieldcmon!  Please? 



         I found a pen and scrawled the word sorry beneath his plea.  The teams were even 



without me, in any case. 



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         I went for the shortest of hunting trips, contenting myself with the smaller, gentler 



creatures that did not taste as good as the hunters, and then changed into fresh clothes 



before I ran back to Forks. 



         Bella did not sleep as well tonight.  She thrashed in her blankets, her face 



sometimes worried, sometimes sad.  I wondered what nightmare haunted herand then 



realized that perhaps I really didnt want to know. 



         When she spoke, she mostly muttered derogatory things about Forks in a glum 



voice.  Only once, when she sighed out the words Come back and her hand twitched 



opena wordless pleadid I have a chance to hope she might be dreaming of me. 



         The next day of school, the last day the sun would hold me prisoner, was much 



the same as the day before.  Bella seemed even gloomier than yesterday, and I wondered 



if she would bow out of her plansshe didnt seem in the mood. 



         But, being Bella, she would probably put her friends enjoyment above that of her 



own. 



         She wore a deep blue blouse today, and the color set her skin off perfectly, 



making it look like fresh cream. 



         School ended, and Jessica agreed to pick the other girls upAngela was going, 



too, for which I was grateful. 



         I went home to get my car.  When I found that Peter and Charlotte were there, I 



decided could afford to give the girls an hour or so for a head start.  I would never be able 



to bear following behind them, driving at the speed limithideous thought. 



         I came in through the kitchen, nodding vaguely at Emmetts and Esmes greetings 



as I passed by everyone in the front room and went straight to the piano. 



         Ugh, hes back.  Rosalie, of course. 



         Ah, Edward.  I hate to see him suffering so.        Esmes joy was becoming marred by 



concern.  She should be concerned.  This love story she envisioned for me was careening 



toward a tragedy more perceptibly every moment. 



         Have fun in Port Angeles tonight, Alice thought cheerfully.  Let me know when 



Im allowed to talk to Bella. 



         Youre pathetic.  I cant believe you missed the game last night just to watch 



somebody sleep, Emmett grumbled. 



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         Jasper paid me no mind, even when the song I played came out a little more 



stormily than Id intended.  It was an old song, with a familiar theme: impatience.  Jasper 



was saying goodbye to his friends, who eyed me curiously. 



         What a strange creature, the Alice-sized, white-blond Charlotte was thinking. 



And he was so normal and pleasant the last time we met. 



         Peters thoughts were in sync with hers, as was usually the case. 



         It must be the animals.  The lack of human blood drives them mad eventually, he 



was concluding.  His hair was just as fair as hers, and almost as long.  They were very 



similarexcept for size, as he was almost as tall as Jasperin both look and thought.  A 



well matched pair, Id always thought. 



         Everyone but Esme stopped thinking about me after a moment, and I played in 



more subdued tones so that I would not attract notice. 



         I did not pay attention to them for a long while, just letting the music distract me 



from my unease.  It was hard to have the girl out of sight and mind.  I only returned my 



attention to their conversation when the goodbyes grew more final. 



         If you see Maria again, Jasper was saying, a little warily, tell her I wish her 



well. 



         Maria was the vampire who had created both Jasper and PeterJasper in the 



latter half of the nineteenth century, Peter more recently, in the nineteen forties.  Shed 



looked Jasper up once when we were in Calgary.  It had been an eventful visitwed had 



to move immediately.  Jasper had politely asked her to keep her distance in the future. 



         I dont imagine that will happen soon, Peter said with a laughMaria was 



undeniable dangerous and there was not much love lost between her and Peter.  Peter 



had, after all, been instrumental in Jaspers defection.  Jasper had always been Marias 



favorite; she considered it a minor detail that she had once planned to kill him.  But, 



should it happen, I certainly will. 



         They were shaking hands then, preparing to depart.  I let the song I was playing 



trail off to an unsatisfying end, and got hastily to my feet. 



         Charlotte, Peter, I said, nodding. 



         It was nice to see you again, Edward, Charlotte said doubtfully.  Peter just 



nodded in return. 



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         Madman, Emmett threw after me. 



         Idiot, Rosalie thought at the same time. 



         Poor boy.  Esme. 



         And Alice, in a chiding tone.      Theyre going straight east, to Seattle.  No where 



near Port Angeles.  She showed me the proof in her visions. 



         I pretended I hadnt heard that.  My excuses were already flimsy enough. 



         Once in my car, I felt more relaxed; the robust purr of the engine Rosalie had 



boosted for melast year, when she was in a better moodwas soothing.                    It was a relief 



to be in motion, to know that I was getting closer to Bella with every mile that flew away 



under my tires. 



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                                                                                                     167 



                                           9.  Port Angeles 



It was too bright for me to drive into town when I got to Port Angeles; the sun was still 



too high overhead, and, though my windows were tinted dark, there was no reason to take 



unnecessary risks.  More unnecessary risks, I should say. 



         I was certain I would be able to find Jessicas thoughts from a distanceJessicas 



thoughts were louder than Angelas, but once I found the first, Id be able to hear the 



second.  Then, when the shadows lengthened, I could get closer.  For now, I pulled off 



the road onto an overgrown driveway just outside the town that appeared to be 



infrequently used. 



         I knew the general direction to search inthere was really only one place for 



dress shopping in Port Angeles.  It wasnt long before I found Jessica, spinning in front of 



a three way mirror, and I could see Bella in her peripheral vision, appraising the long 



black dress she wore. 



         Bella still looks pissed.  Ha ha.  Angela was rightTyler was full of it.  I cant 



believe shes so upset about it, though.  At least she knows she has a back up date for the 



prom.  What if Mike doesnt have fun at the dance, and he doesnt ask me out again? 



 What if he asks Bella to the prom?  Would she have asked Mike to the dance if I hadnt 



said anything?  Does he think shes prettier than me? Does she think shes prettier than 



me? 



          I think I like the blue one better.  It really brings out your eyes. 



         Jessica smiled at Bella with false warmth, while eyeing her suspiciously. 



         Does she really think that?  Or does she want me to look like a cow on Saturday? 



         I was already tired of listening to Jessica.  I searched close by for Angelaah, but 



Angela was in the process of changing dresses, and I skipped quickly out of her head to 



give her some privacy. 



         Well, there wasnt much trouble Bella could get into in a department store.  Id let 



them shop and then catch up with them when they were done.  It wouldnt be long until it 



was darkthe clouds were beginning to return, drifting in from the west.  I could only 



catch glimpses of them through the thick trees, but I could see how they would hurry the 



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sunset.  I welcomed them, craved them more than I had ever yearned for their shadows 



before.  Tomorrow I could sit beside Bella in school again, monopolize her attention at 



lunch again.  I could ask her all the questions Id been saving up 



         So, she was furious about Tylers presumption.  Id seen that in his headthat 



hed meant it literally when hed spoken of the prom, that he was staking a claim.  I 



pictured her expression from that other afternoonthe outraged disbeliefand I 



laughed.  I wondered what she would say to him about this.  I wouldnt want to miss her 



reaction. 



         The time went slowly while I waited for the shadows to lengthen.  I checked in 



periodically with Jessica; her mental voice was the easiest to find, but I didnt like to 



linger there long.  I saw the place they were planning to eat.  It would be dark by dinner 



timemaybe I would coincidentally choose the same restaurant.  I touched the phone in 



my pocket, thinking of inviting Alice out to eat  She would love that, but she would 



also want to talk to Bella.  I wasnt sure if I was ready to have Bella more involved with 



my world.  Wasnt one vampire trouble enough? 



         I checked in routinely with Jessica again.  She was thinking about her jewelry, 



asking Angelas opinion. 



          Maybe I should take the necklace back.  Ive got one at home that would 



probably work, and I spent more than I was supposed to My mom is going to freak 



out.  What was I thinking? 



          I dont mind going back to the store.  Do you think Bella will be looking for us, 



though? 



         What was this?  Bella wasnt with them?  I stared through Jessicas eyes first, 



then switched to Angelas.  They were on the sidewalk in front of a line of shops, just 



turning back the other way.  Bella was no where in sight. 



         Oh, who cares about Bella?  Jess thought impatiently, before answering Angelas 



question.  Shes fine.  Well get to the restaurant in plenty of time, even if we go back. 



Anyway, I think she wanted to be alone.          I got a brief glimpse of the bookshop Jessica 



thought Bella had gone to. 



          Lets hurry, then, Angela said.  I hope Bella doesnt think we ditched her.  She 



was so nice to me in the car before  Shes really a sweet person.  But shes seemed kind 



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of blue all day.  I wonder if its because of Edward Cullen?  Ill bet that was why she was 



asking about his family 



         I should have been paying better attention.  What all had I missed here?  Bella 



was off wandering by herself, and shed been asking about me before?  Angela was 



paying attention to Jessica nowJessica was babbling about that idiot Mikeand I could 



get nothing more from her. 



         I judged the shadows.  The sun would be behind the clouds soon enough.  If I 



stayed on the west side of the road, where the buildings would shade the street from the 



fading light 



         I started to feel anxious as I drove through the sparse traffic into the center of the 



town.  This wasnt something I had consideredBella taking off on her ownand I had 



no idea how to find her.  I should have considered it. 



         I knew Port Angeles well; I drove straight to the bookstore in Jessicas head, 



hoping my search would be short, but doubting it would be so easy.  When did Bella ever 



make it easy? 



         Sure enough, the little shop was empty except for the anachronistically dressed 



woman behind the counter.  This didnt look like the kind of place Bella would be 



interested intoo new age for a practical person.  I wondered if shed even bothered to 



go in? 



         There was a patch of shade I could park in  It made a dark pathway right up to 



the overhang of the shop.  I really shouldnt.  Wandering around in the sunlight hours was 



not safe.  What if a passing car threw the suns reflection into the shade at just the wrong 



moment? 



         But I didnt know how else to look for Bella! 



         I parked and got out, keeping to the deepest side of the shadow.  I strode quickly 



into the store, noting the faint trace of Bellas scent in the air.  She had been here, on the 



sidewalk, but there was no hint of her fragrance inside the shop. 



         Welcome!  Can I help the saleswoman began to say, but I was already out the 



door. 



         I followed Bellas scent as far as the shade would allow, stopping when I got to 



the edge of the sunlight. 



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         How powerless it made me feelfenced in by the line between dark and light that 



stretched across the sidewalk in front of me.  So limited. 



         I could only guess that shed continued across the street, heading south.  There 



wasnt really much in that direction.  Was she lost?  Well, that possibility didnt sound 



entirely out of character. 



         I got back in the car and drove slowly through the streets, looking for her.  I 



stepped out into a few other patches of shadow, but I only caught her scent once more, 



and the direction of it confused me.  Where was she trying to go? 



         I drove back and forth between the bookstore and the restaurant a few times, 



hoping to see her on her way.  Jessica and Angela were already there, trying to decide 



whether to order, or to wait for Bella.  Jessica was pushing for ordering immediately. 



         I began flitting through the minds of strangers, looking through their eyes. 



Surely, someone must have seen her somewhere. 



         I got more and more anxious the longer she remained missing.  I hadnt 



considered before how difficult she might prove to find once, like now, she was out of 



my sight and off her normal paths.  I didnt like it. 



         The clouds were massing on the horizon, and, in a few more minutes, I would be 



free to track her on foot.  It wouldnt take me long then.  It was only the sun that made 



me so helpless now.  Just few more minutes, and then the advantage would be mine again 



and it would be the human world that was powerless. 



         Another mind, and another.  So many trivial thoughts. 



         think the baby has another ear infection 



         Was it six-four -oh or six-oh-four? 



         Late again.  I ought to tell him 



         Here she comes!  Aha! 



         There, at last, was her face.  Finally, someone had noticed her! 



         The relief lasted for only a fraction of a second, and then I read more fully the 



thoughts of the man who was gloating over her face in the shadows. 



         His mind was a stranger to me, and yet, not totally unfamiliar.  I had once hunted 



exactly such minds. 



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         NO! I roared, and a volley of snarls erupted from my throat.  My foot shoved 



the gas pedal to the floor, but where was I going? 



         I knew the general location of his thoughts, but the knowledge was not specific 



enough.  Something, there had to be somethinga street sign, a store front, something in 



his sight that would give away his location.  But Bella was deep in shadow, and his eyes 



were focused only on her frightened expressionenjoying the fear there. 



         Her face was blurred in his mind by the memory of other faces.  Bella was not his 



first victim. 



         The sound of my growls shook the frame of the car, but did not distract me. 



         There were no windows in the wall behind her.  Somewhere industrial, away from 



the more populated shopping district.  My car squealed around a corner, swerving past 



another vehicle, heading in what I hoped was the right direction.  By the time the other 



driver honked, the sound was far behind me. 



         Look at her shaking!     The man chuckled in anticipation.  The fear was the draw 



for himthe part he enjoyed. 



         Stay away from me.  Her voice was low and steady, not a scream. 



         Dont be like that, sugar. 



         He watched her flinch to a rowdy laugh that came from another direction.  He was 



irritated with the noiseShut up, Jeff! he thoughtbut he enjoyed the way she cringed. 



It excited him.  He began to imagine her pleas, the way she would beg 



         I hadnt realized that there were others with him until Id heard the loud laughter. 



I scanned out from him, desperate for something that I could use.  He was taking the first 



step in her direction, flexing his hands. 



         The minds around him were not the cesspool that his was.  They were all slightly 



intoxicated, not one of them realizing how far the man they called Lonnie planned to go 



with this.  They were following Lonnies lead blindly.  Hed promised them a little fun 



         One of them glanced down the street, nervoushe didnt want to get caught 



harassing the girland gave me what I needed.  I recognized the cross street he stared 



toward. 



         I flew under a red light, sliding through a space just wide enough between two 



cars in the moving traffic.  Horns blared behind me. 



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172 



         My phone vibrated in my pocket.  I ignored it. 



         Lonnie moved slowly toward the girl, drawing out the suspensethe moment of 



terror that aroused him.  He waited for her scream, preparing to savor it. 



         But Bella locked her jaw and braced herself.  He was surprisedhed expected 



her to try to run.  Surprised and slightly disappointed.  He liked to chase his prey down, 



the adrenaline of the hunt. 



         Brave, this one.  Maybe better, I guessmore fight in her. 



         I was a block away.     The monster could hear the roar of my engine now, but he 



paid it no attention, too intent on his victim. 



         I would see how he enjoyed the hunt when he was the prey.  I would see what he 



thought of my style of hunting. 



         In another compartment of my head, I was already sorting through the range of 



tortures Id born witness to in my vigilante days, searching for the most painful of them. 



He would suffer for this.  He would writhe in agony.  The others would merely die for 



their part, but the monster named Lonnie would beg for death long before I would give 



him that gift. 



         He was in the road, crossing toward her. 



         I spun sharply around the corner, my headlights washing across the scene and 



freezing the rest of them in place.  I could have run down the leader, who leapt out of the 



way, but that was too easy a death for him. 



         I let the car spin out, swinging all the way around so that I was facing back the 



way Id come and the passenger door was closest to Bella.  I threw that open, and she was 



already running toward the car. 



         Get in, I snarled. 



         What the hell? 



         Knew this was a bad idea!  Shes not alone. 



         Should I run? 



         Think Im going to throw up 



         Bella jumped through the open door without hesitating, pulling the door shut 



behind her. 



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         And then she looked up at me with the most trustful expression I had ever seen on 



a human face, and all my violent plans crumbled. 



         It took much, much less than a second for me to see that I could not leave her in 



the car in order to deal with the four men in the street.  What would I tell her, not to 



watch?  Ha!  When did she ever do what I asked?  When did she ever do the safe thing? 



         Would I drag them away, out of her sight, and leave her alone here?  It was a long 



shot that another dangerous human would be prowling the streets of Port Angeles tonight, 



but it was a long shot that there was even the first!  Like a magnet, she drew all things 



dangerous toward herself.  I could not let her out of my sight. 



         It would feel like part of the same motion to her as I accelerated, taking her away 



from her pursuers so quickly that they gaped after my car with uncomprehending 



expressions.  She would not recognize my instant of hesitation.  She would assume the 



plan was escape from the beginning. 



         I couldnt even hit him with my car.  That would frighten her. 



         I wanted his death so savagely that the need for it rang in my ears and clouded my 



sight and was a flavor on my tongue.  My muscles were coiled with the urgency, the 



craving, the necessity of it.  I had to kill him.  I would peel him slowly apart, piece by 



piece, skin from muscle, muscle from bone 



         Except that the girlthe only girl in the worldwas clinging to her seat with 



both hands, staring at me, her eyes still wide and utterly trusting. Vengeance would have 



to wait. 



         Put on your seatbelt, I ordered.  My voice was rough with the hate and 



bloodlust.  Not the usual bloodlust.  I would not sully myself by taking any part of that 



man inside me. 



         She locked the seatbelt into place, jumping slightly at the sound it made.  That 



little sound made her jump, yet she did not flinch as I tore through the town, ignoring all 



traffic guides.  I could feel her eyes on me.  She seemed oddly relaxed.  It didnt make 



sense to menot with what shed just been through. 



         Are you okay? she asked, her voice rough with stress and fear. 



         She wanted to know if I was okay? 



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         I thought about her question for a fraction of a second.  Not long enough for her to 



notice the hesitation.    Was I okay? 



         No, I realized, and my tone seethed with rage. 



         I took her to the same unused drive where Id spent the afternoon engaged in the 



poorest surveillance ever kept.  It was black now under the trees. 



         I was so furious that my body froze in place there, utterly motionless.  My ice- 



locked hands ached to crush her attacker, to grind him into pieces so mangled that his 



body could never be identified. 



         But that would entail leaving her here alone, unprotected in the dark night. 



         Bella? I asked through my teeth. 



         Yes? she responded huskily.  She cleared her throat. 



         Are you all right?  That was really the most important thing, the first priority. 



Retribution was secondary.  I knew that, but my body was so filled with rage that it was 



hard to think. 



         Yes.  Her voice was still thickwith fear, no doubt. 



         And so I could not leave her. 



         Even if she wasnt at constant risk for some infuriating reasonsome joke the 



universe was playing on meeven if I could be sure that she would be perfectly safe in 



my absence, I could not leave her alone in the dark. 



         She must be so frightened. 



         Yet I was in no condition to comfort hereven if I knew exactly how that was to 



be accomplished, which I did not.  Surely she could feel the brutality radiating out of me, 



surely that much was obvious.  I would frighten her even more if I could not calm the lust 



for slaughter boiling inside me. 



         I needed to think about something else. 



         Distract me, please, I pleaded. 



         Im sorry, what? 



         I barely had enough control to try to explain what I needed. 



         Just prattle about something unimportant until I calm down, I instructed, my 



jaw still locked.  Only the fact that she needed me held me inside the car.  I could hear the 



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mans thoughts, his disappointment and anger  I knew where to find him  I closed 



my eyes, wishing that I couldnt see anyway 



         Um  She hesitatedtrying to make sense of my request, I imagined.  Im 



going to run over Tyler Crowley tomorrow before school?  She said this like it was a 



question. 



         Yesthis was what I needed.  Of course Bella would come up with something 



unexpected.  Like it had been before, the threat of violence coming through her lips was 



hilariousso comical it was jarring.  If I had not been burning with the urge to kill, I 



would have laughed. 



         Why? I barked out, to force her to speak again. 



         Hes telling everyone that hes taking me to prom, she said, her voice filled 



with her tiger-kitten outrage.  Either hes insane or hes still trying to make up for 



almost killing me lastwell you remember it, she inserted dryly, and he thinksprom  is 



somehow the correct way to do this.  So I figure if I endanger his life, then were even, 



and he cant keep trying to make amends.  I dont need enemies and maybe Lauren would 



back off if he left me alone.  I might have to total his Sentra, though, she went on, 



thoughtful now.  If he doesnt have a ride he cant take anyone to prom 



         It was encouraging to see that she sometimes got things wrong.  Tylers 



persistence had nothing to do with the accident.  She didnt seem to understand the appeal 



she held for the human boys at the high school.  Did she not see the appeal she had for 



me, either? 



         Ah, it was working.  The baffling processes of her mind were always engrossing. 



I was beginning to gain control of myself, to see something beyond vengeance and 



torture 



         I heard about that, I told her.  She had stopped talking, and I needed her to 



continue. 



         You did? she asked incredulously.  And then her voice was angrier than before. 



If hes paralyzed from the neck down, he cant go to the prom either. 



         I wished there was someway I could ask her to continue with the threats of death 



and bodily harm with out sounding insane.  She couldnt have picked a better way to 



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calm me.  And her wordsjust sarcasm in her case, hyperbolewere a reminder I dearly 



needed in this moment. 



         I sighed, and opened my eyes. 



         Better? she asked timidly. 



         Not really. 



         No, I was calmer, but not better.  Because Id just realized that I could not kill the 



monster named Lonnie, and I still wanted that more than almost anything else in the 



world.  Almost. 



         The only thing in this moment that I wanted more than to commit a highly 



justifiable murder, was this girl.  And, though I couldnt have her, just the dream of 



having her made it impossible for me to go on a killing spree tonightno matter how 



defensible such a thing might be. 



         Bella deserved better than a killer. 



         Id spent seven decades trying to be something other than thatanything other 



than a killer.  Those years of effort could never make me worthy of the girl sitting beside 



me.  And yet, I felt that if I returned to that lifethe life of a killerfor even one night, I 



would surely put her out of my reach forever.  Even if I didnt drink their bloodeven if 



I didnt have that evidence blazing red in my eyeswouldnt she sense the difference? 



         I was trying to be good enough for her.  It was an impossible goal.  I would keep 



trying. 



         Whats wrong? she whispered. 



         Her breath filled my nose, and I was reminded why I could not deserve her.  After 



all of this, even with as much as I loved hershe still made my mouth water. 



         I would give her as much honesty as I could.  I owed her that. 



         Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.  I stared out into the black 



night, wishing both that she would hear the horror inherent in my words and also that she 



would not.  Mostly that she would not.  Run, Bella, run.  Stay, Bella, stay.            But it 



wouldnt be helpful for me to turn around and hunt down those  Just thinking about it 



almost pulled me from the car.  I took a deep breath, letting her scent scorch down my 



throat.  At least, thats what Im trying to convince myself. 



         Oh. 



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         She said nothing else.  How much had she heard in my words?  I glanced at her 



furtively, but her face was unreadable.  Blank with shock, perhaps.  Well, she wasnt 



screaming.  Not yet. 



         It was quiet for a moment.  I warred with myself, trying to be what I should be. 



What I couldnt be. 



         Jessica and Angela will be worried, she said quietly.  Her voice was very calm, 



and I was not sure how that could be.        Was she in shock?  Maybe tonights events hadnt 



sunk in for her yet.  I was supposed to meet them. 



         Did she want to be away from me?  Or was she just worried about her friends 



worry? 



         I didnt answer her, but I started the car and took her back.  Every inch closer I 



got to the town, the harder it was to hold on to my purpose.  I was just so close to him 



         If it was impossibleif I could never have nor deserve this girlthen where was 



the sense in letting the man go unpunished?  Surely I could allow myself that much 



         No.  I wasnt giving up.  Not yet.  I wanted her too much to surrender. 



         We were at the restaurant where she was supposed to meet her friends before Id 



even begun to make sense of my thoughts.  Jessica and Angela were finished eating, and 



both now truly worried about Bella.  They were on their way to search for her, heading 



off along the dark street. 



         It was not a good night for them to be wandering 



         How did you know where? Bellas unfinished question interrupted me, and I 



realized that I had made yet another gaffe.  Id been too distracted to remember to ask her 



where she was supposed to meet her friends. 



         But, instead of finishing the inquiry and pressing the point, Bella just shook her 



head and half-smiled. 



         What did that mean? 



         Well, I didnt have time to puzzle over her strange acceptance of my stranger 



knowledge.  I opened my door. 



         What are you doing? she asked, sounding startled. 



         Not letting you out of my sight.  Not allowing myself to be alone tonight.  In that 



order.  Im taking you to dinner. 



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         Well this should be interesting.  It seemed like another night entirely when Id 



imagined bringing Alice along and pretending to choose the same restaurant as Bella and 



her friends by accident.  And now, here I was, practically on a date with the girl.  Only it 



didnt count, because I wasnt giving her a chance to say no. 



         She already had her door half open before Id walked around the carit wasnt 



usually so frustrating to have to move at an inconspicuous speedinstead of waiting for 



me to get it for her.  Was this because she wasnt used to being treated like a lady, or 



because she didnt think of me as a gentleman? 



         I waited for her to join me, getting more anxious as her girlfriends continued in 



toward the dark corner. 



         Go stop Jessica and Angela before I have to track them down, too, I ordered 



quickly.  I dont think I could restrain myself if I ran into your other friends again.  No, 



I would not be strong enough for that. 



         She shuddered, and then quickly collected herself.  She took half a step after 



them, calling, Jess!  Angela! in a loud voice.  They turned, and she waved her arm over 



her head to catch their attention. 



         Bella!  Oh, shes safe! Angela thought with relief. 



         Late much? Jessica grumbled to herself, but she, too, was thankful that Bella 



wasnt lost or hurt.   This made me like her a little more than I had. 



         They hurried back, and then stopped, shocked, when they saw me beside her. 



         Uh-uh! Jess thought, stunned.  No freaking way! 



         Edward Cullen? Did she go away by herself to find him?  But why would she ask 



about them being out of town if she knew he was here I got a brief flash of Bellas 



mortified expression when shed asked Angela if my family was often absent from 



school.  No, she couldnt have known, Angela decided. 



         Jessicas thoughts were moving past the surprise and on to suspicion.  Bellas 



been holding out on me. 



         Where have you been? she demanded, staring at Bella, but peeking at me from 



the corner of her eye. 



         I got lost.  And then I ran into Edward, Bella said, waving one hand toward me. 



Her tone was remarkably normal.  Like that was truly all that had happened. 



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         She must be in shock.  That was the only explanation for her calm. 



         Would it be all right if I joined you? I askedto be polite; I knew that theyd 



already eaten. 



         Holy crap but hes hot! Jessica thought, her head suddenly slightly incoherent. 



         Angela wasnt much more composed.            Wish we hadnt eaten.  Wow. Just.  Wow. 



         Now why couldnt I do that to Bella? 



         Ersure, Jessica agreed. 



         Angela frowned.  Um, actually, Bella, we already ate while we were waiting, 



she admitted.  Sorry. 



         What?  Shut up! Jess complained internally. 



         Bella shrugged casually.  So at ease.  Definitely in shock.  Thats fineIm not 



hungry. 



         I think you should eat something, I disagreed.  She needed sugar in her 



bloodstreamthough it smelled sweet enough as it was, I thought wryly.  The horror was 



going to come crashing down on her momentarily, and an empty stomach wouldnt help. 



She was an easy fainter, as I knew from experience. 



         These girls wouldnt be in any danger if they went straight home.  Danger didnt 



stalk their every step. 



         And Id rather be alone with Bellaas long as she was willing to be alone with 



me. 



         Do you mind if I drive Bella home tonight? I said to Jessica before Bella could 



respond.  That way you wont have to wait while she eats. 



         Uh, no problem, I guess  Jessica stared intently at Bella, looking for some 



sign that this was what she wanted. 



         I want to staybut she probably wants him to herself.  Who wouldnt?  Jess 



thought.  At the same time, she watched Bella wink. 



         Bella winked? 



         Okay, Angela said quickly, in a hurry to be out of the way if that was what 



Bella wanted.  And it seemed that she did want that.  See you tomorrow, 



BellaEdward.  She struggled to say my name in a casual tone.  Then she grabbed 



Jessicas hand and began towing her away. 



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         I would have to find some way to thank Angela for this. 



         Jessicas car was close by and in a bright circle of light cast by a streetlamp. 



Bella watched them carefully, a little crease of concern between her eyes, until they were 



in the car, so she must be fully aware of the danger shed been in.  Jessica waved as she 



drove away, and Bella waved back.  It wasnt until the car disappeared that she took a 



deep breath and turned to look up at me. 



         Honestly, Im not hungry, she said. 



         Why had she waited for them to be gone before speaking?  Did she truly want to 



be alone with meeven now, after witnessing my homicidal rage? 



         Whether that was the case or not, she was going to eat something. 



         Humor me, I said. 



         I held the restaurant door open for her and waited. 



         She sighed, and walked through. 



         I walked beside her to the podium where the hostess waited.  Bella still seemed 



entirely self-possessed.  I wanted to touch her hand, her forehead, to check her 



temperature.  But my cold hand would repulse her, as it had before. 



         Oh, my, the hostesss rather loud mental voice intruded into my consciousness. 



My, oh my. 



         It seemed to be my night to turn heads.  Or was I only noticing it more because I 



wished so much that Bella would see me this way?  We were always attractive to our 



prey.  Id never thought so much about it before.  Usuallyunless, as with people like 



Shelly Cope and Jessica Stanley, there was constant repetition to dull the horrorthe fear 



kicked in fairly quickly after the initial attraction 



         A table for two? I prompted when the hostess didnt speak. 



         Oh, er, yes.  Welcome to La Bella Italia.  Mmm!           What a voice!  Please follow 



me.  Her thoughts were preoccupiedcalculating. 



         Maybe shes his cousin.  She couldnt be his sister, they dont look anything alike. 



But family, definitely.    He cant be with her. 



         Human eyes were clouded; they saw nothing clearly.  How could this small- 



minded woman find my physical luressnares for preyso attractive, and yet be unable 



to see the soft perfection of the girl beside me? 



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         Well, no need to help her out, just in case, the hostess thought as she led us to a 



family-sized table in the middle of the most crowded part of the restaurant.             Can I give 



him my number while shes there?  she mused. 



         I pulled a bill from my back pocket.  People were invariably cooperative when 



money was involved. 



         Bella was already taking the seat the hostess indicated without objection.  I shook 



my head at her, and she hesitated, cocking her head to one side with curiosity.  Yes, she 



would be very curious tonight.  A crowd was not the ideal place for this conversation. 



         Perhaps something more private? I requested of the hostess, handing her the 



money.    Her eyes widened in surprise, and then narrowed while her hand curled around 



the tip. 



         Sure. 



         She peeked at the bill while she led us around a dividing wall. 



         Fifty dollars for a better table?  Rich, too.  That makes senseI bet his jacket cost 



more than my last paycheck.  Damn.  Why does he want privacy with her? 



         She offered us a booth in a quiet corner of the restaurant where no one would be 



able to see usto see Bellas reactions to whatever I would tell her.  I had no clue as to 



what she would want from me tonight.  Or what I would give her. 



         How much had she guessed?           What explanation of tonights events had she told 



herself? 



         Hows this? the hostess asked. 



         Perfect, I told her and, feeling slightly annoyed by her resentful attitude toward 



Bella, I smiled widely at her, baring my teeth.  Let her see me clearly. 



         Whoa. Umyour server will be right out.  He cant be real.  I must be asleep. 



Maybe shell disappearmaybe Ill write my number on his plate with ketchup                    She 



wandered away, listing slightly to the side. 



         Odd.  She still wasnt frightened. I suddenly remembered Emmett teasing me in 



the cafeteria, so many weeks ago.  Ill bet I could have scared her better than that. 



         Was I losing my edge? 



         You really shouldnt do that to people, Bella interrupted my thoughts in a 



disapproving tone.  Its hardly fair. 



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         I stared at her critical expression.  What did she mean?  I hadnt frightened the 



hostess at all, despite my intentions.  Do what? 



         Dazzle them like thatshes probably hyperventilating in the kitchen right 



now. 



         Hmm.  Bella was very nearly right.  The hostess was only semi-coherent at the 



moment, describing her incorrect assessment of me to her friend on the wait staff. 



         Oh, come on, Bella chided me when I didnt answer immediately.  You have 



to know the effect you have on people. 



         I dazzle people?  That was an interesting way of phrasing it.  Accurate enough 



for tonight.  I wondered why the difference 



         You havent noticed? she asked, still critical.  Do you think everybody gets 



their way so easily? 



         Do I dazzle you? I voiced my curiosity impulsively, and then the words were 



out, and it was too late to recall them. 



         But before I had time to too deeply regret speaking the words aloud she answered, 



Frequently.  And her cheeks took on a faint pink glow. 



         I dazzled her. 



         My silent heart swelled with a hope more intense than I could ever remember 



having felt before. 



         Hello, someone said, the waitress, introducing herself.  Her thoughts were loud, 



and more explicit than the hostesss, but I tuned her out.  I stared at Bellas face instead 



of listening, watching the blood spreading under her skin, noticing not how that made my 



throat flame, but rather how it brightened her fair face, how it set off the cream of her 



skin 



         The waitress was waiting for something from me.  Ah, shed asked for our drink 



order.  I continued to stare at Bella, and the waitress grudgingly turned to look at her, too. 



         Ill have a coke? Bella said, as if asking for approval. 



         Two cokes, I amended.  Thirstnormal, human thirstwas a sign of shock.  I 



would make sure she had the extra sugar from the soda in her system. 



         She looked healthy, though.  More than healthy.  She looked radiant. 



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         What? she demandedwondering why I was staring, I guessed.  I was vaguely 



aware that the waitress had left. 



         How are you feeling? I asked. 



         She blinked, surprised by the question.  Im fine. 



         You dont feel dizzy, sick, cold? 



         She was even more confused now.  Should I? 



         Well, I actually Im waiting for you to go into shock.  I half-smiled, expecting 



her denial.  She would not want to be taken care of. 



         It took her a minute to answer me.  Her eyes were slightly unfocused.  She looked 



that way sometimes, when I smiled at her.  Was shedazzled? 



         I would love to believe that. 



         I dont think that will happen.  Ive always been very good at repressing 



unpleasant things, she answered, a little breathless. 



         Did she have a lot of practice with unpleasant things, then?  Was her life always 



this hazardous? 



         Just the same, I told her.  Ill feel better when you have some sugar and food in 



you. 



         The waitress returned with the cokes and a basket of bread.  She put them in front 



of me, and asked for my order, trying to catch my eye in the process.  I indicated that she 



should attend to Bella, and then went back to tuning her out.  She had a vulgar mind. 



         Um Bella glanced quickly at the menu.  Ill have the mushroom ravioli. 



         The waitress turned back to me eagerly.  And you? 



         Nothing for me. 



         Bella made a slight face.     Hmm.  She must have noticed that I never ate food.  She 



noticed everything.  And I always forgot to be careful around her. 



         I waited till we were alone again. 



         Drink, I insisted. 



         I was surprised when she complied immediately and without objection.  She 



drank until the glass was entirely empty, so I pushed the second coke toward her, 



frowning a little.  Thirst, or shock? 



         She drank a little more, and then shuddered once. 



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         Are you cold? 



         Its just the coke, she said, but she shivered again, her lips trembling slightly as 



if her teeth were about to chatter. 



         The pretty blouse she wore looked too thin to protect her adequately; it clung to 



her like a second skin, almost as fragile as the first.  She was so frail, so mortal.  Dont 



you have a jacket? 



         Yes.  She looked around herself, a little perplexed.  OhI left it in Jessicas 



car. 



         I pulled off my jacket, wishing that the gesture was not marred by my body 



temperature.  It would have been nice to have been able to offer her a warm coat.  She 



stared at me, her cheeks warming again.  What was she thinking now? 



         I handed her the jacket across the table, and she put it on at once, and then 



shuddered again. 



         Yes, it would be very nice to be warm. 



         Thanks, she said.  She took a deep breath, and then pushed the too-long sleeves 



back to free her hands.  She took another deep breath. 



         Was the evening finally settling in?  Her color was still good; her skin was cream 



and roses against the deep blue of her shirt. 



         That color blue looks lovely with your skin, I complimented her.  Just being 



honest. 



         She flushed, enhancing the effect. 



         She looked well, but there was no point in taking chances.  I pushed the basket of 



bread toward her. 



         Really, she objected, guessing my motives.  Im not going into shock. 



         You should bea normal person would be.  You dont even look shaken.  I 



stared at her, disapproving, wondering why she couldnt be normal and then wondering if 



really wanted her to be that way. 



         I feel very safe with you, she said, her eyes, again, filled with trust.  Trust I 



didnt deserve. 



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         Her instincts were all wrongbackwards.  That must be the problem.                She didnt 



recognize danger the way a human being should be able to.  She had the opposite 



reaction.  Instead of running, she lingered, drawn to what should frighten her 



         How could I protect her from myself when neither of us wanted that? 



         This is more complicated than Id planned, I murmured. 



         I could see her turning my words over in her head, and I wondered what she made 



of them.  She took a breadstick and began to eat without seeming aware of the action. 



She chewed for a moment, and then leaned her head to one side thoughtfully. 



         Usually youre in a better mood when your eyes are so light, she said in a 



casual tone. 



         Her observation, stated so matter of factly, left me reeling.  What? 



         Youre always crabbier when your eyes are blackI expect it then.  I have a 



theory about that, she added lightly. 



         So she had come up with her own explanation.  Of course she had.  I felt a deep 



sense of dread as I wondered how close shed come to the truth. 



         More theories? 



         Mm-hm.  She chewed on another bite, entirely nonchalant.  As if she werent 



discussing the aspects of a monster with the monster himself. 



         I hope you were more creative this time I lied when she didnt continue. 



What I really hoped was that she was wrongmiles wide of the mark.  Or are you still 



stealing from comic books? 



         Well, no, I didnt get it from a comic book, she said, a little embarrassed.  But 



I didnt come up with it on my own, either. 



         And? I asked between my teeth. 



         Surely should would not speak so calmly if she were about to scream. 



         As she hesitated, biting her lip, the waitress reappeared with Bellas food.  I paid 



the server little attention as she set the plate in front of Bella and then asked if I wanted 



anything. 



          I declined, but asked for more coke.  The waitress hadnt noticed the empty 



glasses.  She took them and left. 



         You were saying? I prompted anxiously as soon as we were alone again. 



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186 



         Ill tell you about it in the car, she said in a low voice.  Ah, this would be bad. 



She wasnt willing to speak her guesses around others.  If she tacked on suddenly. 



         There are conditions?  I was so tense I almost growled the words. 



         I do have a few questions, of course. 



         Of course, I agreed, my voice hard. 



         Her questions would probably be enough to tell me where her thoughts were 



heading.  But how would I answer them?  With responsible lies?  Or would I drive her 



away with truth?  Or would I say nothing, unable to decide? 



         We sat in silence while the waitress replenished her supply of soda. 



         Well, go ahead, I said, jaw locked, when she was gone. 



         Why are you in Port Angeles? 



         That was too easy a questionfor her.  It gave away nothing, while my answer, if 



truthful, would give away much too much.  Let her reveal something first. 



         Next, I said. 



         But thats the easiest one! 



         Next, I said again. 



         She was frustrated by my refusal.  She looked away from me, down to her food. 



Slowly, thinking hard, she took a bite and chewed with deliberation.  She washed it down 



with more coke, and then finally looked up at me.  Her eyes were narrow with suspicion. 



         Okay then, she said.  Lets say, hypothetically, of course, 



thatsomeonecould know what people are thinking, read minds, you knowwith just 



a few exceptions. 



         It could be worse. 



         This explained that little half-smile in the car.  She was quickno one else had 



ever guessed this about me.  Except for Carlisle, and it had been rather obvious then, in 



the beginning, when Id answered all his thoughts as if hed spoken them to me.  Hed 



understood before I had 



         This question wasnt so bad.  While it was clear that she knew that there was 



something wrong with me, was not as serious as it could have been.  Mind-reading was, 



after all, not a facet of the vampire cannon.  I went along with her hypothesis. 



         Just one exception, I corrected. Hypothetically. 



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         She fought a smilemy vague honesty pleased her.  All right, with one 



exception, then.  How does that work?  What are the limitations?  How wouldthat 



someonefind someone else at exactly the right time?  How would he know that she was 



in trouble? 



         Hypothetically? 



         Sure.  Her lips twitched, and her liquid brown eyes were eager. 



         Well, I hesitated.  Ifthat someone 



         Lets call him Joe, she suggested. 



         I had to smile at her enthusiasm.  Did she really think the truth would be a good 



thing?  If my secrets were pleasant, why would I keep them from her? 



         Joe, then, I agreed.  If Joe had been paying attention, the timing wouldnt have 



needed to be quite so exact.  I shook my head and repressed a shudder at the thought of 



how close I had been to being too late today.  Only you could get into trouble in a town 



this small.  You would have devastated their crime rate statistics for a decade, you 



know. 



         Her lips turned down at the corners, and pouted out.  We were speaking of a 



hypothetical case. 



         I laughed at her irritation. 



         Her lips, her skin  They looked so soft.  I wanted to touch them.  I wanted to 



press my fingertip against the corner of her frown and turn it up.  Impossible.  My skin 



would be repellent to her. 



         Yes, we were, I said, returning to the conversation before I could depress 



myself too thoroughly.  Shall we call you Jane? 



         She leaned across the table toward me, all humor and irritation gone from her 



wide eyes. 



         How did you know? she asked, her voice low and intense. 



         Should I tell her the truth?  And, if so, what portion? 



         I wanted to tell her.  I wanted to deserve the trust I could still see on her face. 



         You can trust me, you know, she whispered, and she reached one hand forward 



as if to touch my hands where they rested on top of the empty table before me. 



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         I pulled them backhating the thought of her reaction to my frigid stone skin 



and she dropped her hand. 



         I knew that I could trust her with protecting my secrets; she was entirely 



trustworthy, good to the core.  But I couldnt trust her not to be horrified by them.  She 



should be horrified.  The truth was horror. 



         I dont know if I have a choice anymore, I murmured.  I remembered that Id 



once teased her by calling her exceptionally unobservant.  Offended her, if Id been 



judging her expressions correctly.  Well, I could right that one injustice, at least.  I was 



wrongyoure much more observant than I gave you credit for.                 And, though she might 



not realize it, Id given her plenty of credit already.  She missed nothing. 



         I thought you were always right, she said, smiling as she teased me. 



         I used to be.  I used to know what I was doing.  I used to be always sure of my 



course.  And now everything was chaos and tumult. 



         Yet I wouldnt trade it.  I didnt want the life that made sense.  Not if the chaos 



meant that I could be with Bella. 



         I was wrong about you on one other thing as well, I went on, setting the record 



straight on another point.  Youre not a magnet for accidentsthats not a broad enough 



classification.  You are a magnet for trouble.  If there is anything dangerous within a ten- 



mile radius, it will invariably find you.  Why her?  What had she done to deserve any of 



this? 



         Bellas face turned serious again.      And you put yourself into that category? 



         Honesty was more important in regards to this question than any other. 



Unequivocally. 



         Her eyes narrowed slightlynot suspicious now, but oddly concerned.  She 



reached her hand across the table again, slowly and deliberately.  I pulled my hands an 



inch away from her, but she ignored that, determined to touch me.  I held my breathnot 



because of her scent now, but because of the sudden, overwhelming tension.  Fear.  My 



skin would disgust her.  She would run away. 



         She brushed her fingertips lightly across the back of my hand.  The heat of her 



gentle, willing touch was like nothing Id ever felt before.  It was almost pure pleasure. 



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Would have been, except for my fear.  I watched her face as she felt the cold stone of my 



skin, still unable to breathe. 



         A half-smile turned up the corners of her lips. 



         Thank you, she said, meeting my stare with an intense gaze of her own.  Thats 



twice now. 



         Her soft fingers lingered on my hand as if they found it pleasant to be there. 



         I answered her as casually as I was able.  Lets not try for three, agreed? 



         She grimaced at that, but nodded. 



         I pulled my hands out from under hers.  As exquisite as her touch felt, I wasnt 



going to wait for the magic of her tolerance to pass, to turn to revulsion.  I hid my hands 



under the table. 



         I read her eyes; though her mind was silent, I could perceive both trust and 



wonder there.  I realized in that moment that I wanted to answer her questions.  Not 



because I owed it to her.  Not because I wanted her to trust me. 



         I wanted her to know me. 



         I followed you to Port Angeles, I told her, the words spilling out too quickly for 



me to edit them.  I knew the danger of the truth, the risk I was taking.  At any moment, 



her unnatural calm could shatter into hysterics.  Contrarily, knowing this only had me 



talking faster.   Ive never tried to keep a specific person alive before and its much more 



troublesome than I would have believed.  But thats probably just because its you. 



Ordinary people seem to make it through the day without so many catastrophes. 



         I watched her, waiting. 



         She smiled.  Her lips curved up at the edges, and her chocolate eyes warmed. 



         Id just admitted to stalking her, and she was smiling. 



         Did you ever think that maybe my number was up that first time, with the van, 



and that youve been interfering with fate? she asked. 



         That wasnt the first time, I said, staring down at the dark maroon table cloth, 



my shoulders bowed in shame.  My barriers were down, the truth still spilling free 



recklessly.  Your number was up the first time I met you. 



         It was true, and it angered me.  I had been positioned over her life like the blade 



of a guillotine.  It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate, 



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andsince Id proved an unwilling toolthat same fate continued to try to execute her. 



I imagined the fate personifieda grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy. 



         I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for thisso that I would have 



something concrete to fight against.  Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella could 



be safe. 



         Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated. 



         I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for.  Had I 



not just admitted how close Id been to killing her?  Closer than the van that had come 



within slim inches of crushing her.  And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes still 



tightened only with concern. 



         You remember?  She had to remember that. 



         Yes, she said, her voice level and grave.  Her deep eyes were full of awareness. 



         She knew.  She knew that I had wanted to murder her. 



         Where were the screams? 



         And yet here you sit, I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction. 



         Yes, here I sitbecause of you.  Her expression altered, turned curious, as she 



unsubtly changed the subject.  Because somehow you knew how to find me today? 



         Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts, 



desperate to understand.  It made no logical sense to me.  How could she even care about 



the rest with that glaring truth on the table? 



         She waited, only curious.  Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it still 



concerned me.  Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her.  If I continued to tell her 



too much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off. 



         I named my terms.  You eat, Ill talk. 



         She processed that for half a second, and then threw a bite in her mouth with a 



speed that belied her calm.  She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on. 



          Its harder than it should bekeeping track of you, I told her.  Usually I can 



find someone very easily, once Ive heard their mind before. 



         I watched her face carefully as I said this.  Guessing right was one thing, having it 



confirmed was another. 



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         She was motionless, her eyes wide.  I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for 



her panic. 



         But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped another 



bite into her mouth.  She wanted me to continue. 



         I was keeping tabs on Jessica, I went on, watching each word as it sank in. 



Not carefullylike I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles I couldnt 



resist adding that.  Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near 



death experiences, or did she think she was normal?  She was the furthest thing from 



normal Id ever encountered.  And at first I didnt notice when you took off on your 



own.  Then, when I realized that you werent with her anymore, I went looking for you at 



the bookstore I saw in her head.  I could tell that you hadnt gone in, and that youd gone 



southand I knew you would have to turn around soon.  So I was just waiting for you, 



randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the streetto see if anyone had 



noticed you so I would know where you were.  I had no reason to be worriedbut I was 



strangely anxious  My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic.  Her 



scent blazed in my throat and I was glad.  It was a pain that meant she was alive.  As long 



as I burned, she was safe. 



         I started to drive in circles, stilllistening.  I hoped the word made sense to her. 



This had to be confusing.      The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, and 



follow you on foot.  And then 



         As the memory took meperfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment 



againI felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice. 



         I wanted him dead.      I needed him dead.  My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated 



on holding myself here at the table.  Bella still needed me.  That was what mattered. 



         Then what? she whispered, her dark eyes wide. 



         I heard what they were thinking, I said through my teeth, unable to keep the 



words from coming out in a growl.  I saw your face in his mind. 



         I could hardly resist the urge to kill.  I still knew precisely where to find him.  His 



black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them 



         I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a 



killer.  I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her 



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face.  The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skinlike silk 



stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter.  She was too vulnerable for this 



world.  She needed a protector.  And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I 



was the closest thing available. 



         I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand. 



         It was veryhardyou cant imagine how hardfor me to simply take you 



away, and leave themalive, I whispered.  I could have let you go with Jessica and 



Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them. 



         For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder.  At least this one 



was defensible. 



         She was quiet as I struggled to control myself.  I listened to her heartbeat.  The 



rhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again.  Her 



breathing, too, was low and even. 



         I was too close to the edge.  I needed to get her home before 



         Would I kill him, then?  Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me? 



Was there any way to stop myself? 



         Shed promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone.  Did I want to 



hear it?  I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not 



knowing? 



         At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night. 



         I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before, but composed. 



         Are you ready to go home? I asked. 



         Im ready to leave, she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple yes 



did not fully express what she wanted to say. 



         Frustrating. 



         The waitress returned.  Shed heard Bellas last statement as shed dithered on the 



other side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me.  I wanted to roll my 



eyes at some of the offerings shed had in mind. 



         How are we doing? she asked me. 



         Were ready for the check, thank you, I told her, my eyes on Bella. 



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         The waitresss breathing spiked and she was momentarilyto use Bellas 



phrasingdazzled by my voice. 



         In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in this 



inconsequential humans head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much 



admiration tonightunmarred by the usual fear. 



         It was because of Bella.  Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, 



to be human, I truly had lost my edge.  The other humans saw only beauty now, with my 



innate horror so carefully under control. 



         I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself.  It was sort of 



humorous, now that I understood the reason. 



         Sure, she stuttered.  Here you go. 



         She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card shed slid in behind 



the receipt.  A card with her name and telephone number on it. 



         Yes, it was rather funny. 



         I had money ready again.  I gave the folder back at once, so she wouldnt waste 



any time waiting for a call that would never come. 



         No change, I told her, hoping the size of the tip would assuage her 



disappointment. 



         I stood, and Bella quickly followed suit.  I wanted to offer her my hand, but I 



thought that might be pushing my luck a little too far for one night.  I thanked the 



waitress, my eyes never leaving Bellas face.  Bella seemed to be finding something 



amusing, too. 



         We walked out; I walked as close beside her as I dared.  Close enough that the 



warmth coming off her body was like a physical touch against the left side of my body. 



As I held the door for her, she sighed quietly, and I wondered what regret made her sad.  I 



stared into her eyes, about to ask, when she suddenly looked at the ground, seeming 



embarrassed.  It made me more curious, even as it made me reluctant to ask.  The silence 



between us continued while I opened her door for her and then got into the car. 



         I turned the heater onthe warmer weather had come to an abrupt end; the cold 



car must be uncomfortable for her.  She huddled in my jacket, a small smile on her lips. 



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         I waited, postponing conversation until the lights of the boardwalk faded.  It made 



me feel more alone with her. 



         Was that the right thing?  Now that I was focused only on her, the car seemed 



very small.  Her scent swirled through it with the current of the heater, building and 



strengthening.  It grew into its own force, like another entity in the car.  A presence that 



demanded recognition. 



         It had that; I burned.  The burning was acceptable, though.  It seemed strangely 



appropriate to me.  I had been given so much tonightmore than Id expected.  And here 



she was, still willingly at my side.     I owed something in return for that.  A sacrifice.  A 



burnt offering. 



         Now if I could just keep it to that; just burn, and nothing more.  But the venom 



filled my mouth, and my muscles tensed in anticipation, as if I were hunting 



         I had to keep such thoughts from my mind.  And I knew what would distract me. 



         Now, I said to her, fear of her response taking the edge off the burn.           Its your 



turn. 



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                                               9. Theory 



Can I ask just one more? she entreated instead of answering my demand. 



         I was on edge, anxious for the worst.  And yet, how tempting it was to prolong 



this moment.     To have Bella with me, willingly, for just a few seconds longer.  I sighed at 



the dilemma, and then said, One. 



         Well, she hesitated for a moment, as if deciding which question to voice. 



You said you knew I hadnt gone into the bookstore, and that I had gone south.  I was 



just wondering how you know that. 



         I glared out the windshield.  Here was another question that revealed nothing on 



her part, and too much on mine. 



         I thought we were past all the evasiveness, she said, her tone critical and 



disappointed. 



         How ironic.  She was relentlessly evasive, without even trying. 



         Well, she wanted me to be direct.  And this conversation wasnt going anywhere 



good, regardless. 



         Fine, then, I said.  I followed your scent. 



         I wanted to watch her face, but I was afraid of what I would see.  Instead, I 



listened to her breath accelerate and then stabilize.  She spoke again after a moment, and 



her voice was steadier than I would have expected. 



         And then you didnt answer one of my first questions she said. 



         I looked down at her, frowning.  She was stalling, too. 



         Which one? 



         How does it workthe mind reading thing? she asked, reiterating her question 



from the restaurant.     Can you read anybodys mind, anywhere?  How do you do it?  Can 



the rest of your family?  She trailed off, flushing again. 



         Thats more than one, I said. 



         She just looked at me, waiting for her answers. 



         And why not tell her?  Shed already guessed most of this, and it was an easier 



subject that the one that loomed. 



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         No, its just me.  And I cant hear anyone, anywhere.  I have to be fairly close. 



The more familiar someonesvoice is, the farther away I can hear them.  But still, no 



more than a few miles.  I tried to think of a way to describe it so that she would 



understand.  An analogy that she could relate to. Its a little like being in a huge hall 



filled with people, everyone talking at once.  Its just a huma buzzing of voices in the 



background.  Until I focus on one voice, and then what theyre thinking is clear.              Most of 



the time I tune it all outit can be very distracting.  And then its easier to seem normal, 



I grimaced when Im not accidentally answering someones thoughts rather than 



their words. 



         Why do you think you cant hear me? she wondered. 



         I gave her another truth and another analogy. 



         I dont know, I admitted.  The only guess I have is that maybe your mind 



doesnt work the same way the rest of theirs do.  Like your thoughts are on the AM 



frequency and Im only getting FM. 



         I realized that she would not like this analogy.  The anticipation of her reaction 



had me smiling.  She didnt disappoint. 



         My mind doesnt work right? she asked, her voice rising with chagrin.  Im a 



freak? 



         Ah, the irony again. 



         I hear voices in my mind and youre worried that youre the freak.  I laughed. 



She understood all the small things, and yet the big ones she got backwards.  Always the 



wrong instincts 



         Bella was gnawing on her lip, and the crease between her eyes was etched deep. 



         Dont worry, I reassured her.  Its just a theory  And there was a more 



important theory to be discussed.  I was anxious to get it over with.  Each passing second 



was beginning to feel more and more like borrowed time. 



         Which brings us back to you, I said, divided in two, both anxious and reluctant. 



         She sighed, still chewing her lipI worried that she would hurt herself.  She 



stared into my eyes, her face troubled. 



         Arent we past all the evasions now?  I asked quietly. 



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         She looked down, struggling with some internal dilemma.  Suddenly, she 



stiffened and her eyes flew wide open.  Fear flashed across her face for the first time. 



         Holy crow! she gasped. 



         I panicked.  What had she seen?  How had I frightened her? 



         Then she shouted, Slow down! 



         Whats wrong?  I didnt understand where her terror was coming from. 



         Youre going a hundred miles an hour! she yelled at me.  She flashed a look out 



the window, and recoiled from the dark trees racing past us. 



         This little thing, just a bit of speed, had her shouting in fear? 



         I rolled my eyes.  Relax, Bella. 



         Are you trying to kill us? she demanded, her voice high and tight. 



         Were not going to crash, I promised her. 



         She sucked in a sharp breath, and then spoke in a slightly more level tone.  Why 



are you in such a hurry? 



         I always drive like this. 



         I met her gaze, amused by her shocked expression. 



         Keep your eyes on the road! she shouted. 



         Ive never been in an accident, Bella.  Ive never even gotten a ticket.  I grinned 



at her and touched my forehead.  It made it even more comicalthe absurdity of being 



able to joke with her about something so secret and strange.  Built in radar detector. 



         Very funny, she said sarcastically, her voice more frightened than angry. 



Charlies a cop, remember?  I was raised to abide by traffic laws.  Besides, if you turn us 



into a Volvo pretzel around a tree trunk, you can probably just walk away. 



         Probably, I repeated, and than laughed without humor.  Yes, we would fare 



quite differently in a car accident.  She was right to be afraid, despite my driving 



abilities  But you cant. 



         With a sigh, I let the car drift to a crawl.  Happy? 



         She eyed the speedometer.  Almost. 



         Was this still too fast for her?  I hate driving slow, I muttered, but let the needle 



slide another notch down. 



         This is slow? she asked. 



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         Enough commentary on my driving, I said impatiently.  How many times had 



she dodged my question now?  Three times?  Four?  Were her speculations that horrific? 



I had to knowimmediately.  Im still waiting for your latest theory. 



         She bit her lip again, and her expression became upset, almost pained. 



         I reigned in my impatience and softened my voice.  I didnt want her to be 



distressed. 



         I wont laugh, I promised, wishing that it was only embarrassment that made 



her unwilling to talk. 



         Im more afraid that youll be angry with me, she whispered. 



         I forced my voice to stay even.  Is it that bad? 



         Pretty much, yeah. 



         She looked down, refusing to meet my eyes.  The seconds passed. 



         Go ahead, I encouraged. 



         Her voice was small.  I dont know how to start. 



         Why dont you start at the beginning?  I remembered her words before dinner. 



You said you didnt come up with this on your own. 



         No, she agreed, and then was silent again. 



         I thought about things that might have inspired her.  What got you starteda 



book?  A movie? 



         I should have looked through her collections when she was out of the house.  I 



had no idea if Bram Stoker or Anne Rice was there in her stack of worn paperbacks 



         No, she said again.  It was Saturday, at the beach. 



         I hadnt expected that.  The local gossip about us had never strayed into anything 



too bizarreor too precise.  Was there a new rumor Id missed?  Bella peeked up from 



her hands and saw the surprise on my face. 



          I ran into an old family friendJacob Black, she went on.  His dad and 



Charlie have been friends since I was a baby. 



         Jacob Blackthe name was not familiar, and yet it reminded me of 



somethingsome time, long ago  I stared out of the windshield, flipping through 



memories to find the connection. 



         His dad is one of the Quileute elders, she said. 



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         Jacob Black.  Ephraim Black.  A descendant, no doubt. 



         It was as bad as it could get. 



         She knew the truth. 



         My mind was flying through the ramifications as the car flew around the dark 



curves in the road, my body rigid with anguishmotionless except for the small, 



automatic actions it took to steer the car. 



         She knew the truth. 



         Butif shed learned the truth Saturdaythen shed known it all evening 



longand yet 



         We went for a walk, she went on.  And he was telling me about some old 



legendstrying to scare me, I think.  He told me one 



         She stopped short, but there was no need for her qualms now; I knew what she 



was going to say.  The only mystery left was why she was here with me now. 



         Go on, I said. 



         About vampires, she breathed, the words less than a whisper. 



         Somehow, it was even worse than knowing that she knew, hearing her speak the 



word aloud.  I flinched at the sound of it, and then controlled myself again. 



         And you immediately thought of me? I asked. 



         No.  Hementioned your family. 



         How ironic that it would be Ephraims own progeny that would violate the treaty 



hed vowed to uphold.  A grandson, or great-grandson perhaps.  How many years had it 



been?  Seventy? 



         I should have realized that it was not the old men who believed in the legends that 



would be the danger.  Of course, the younger generationthose who would have been 



warned, but would have thought the ancient superstitions laughableof course that was 



where the danger of exposure would lie. 



         I supposed this meant I was now free to slaughter the small, defenseless tribe on 



the coastline, were I so inclined.  Ephraim and his pack of protectors were long dead 



         He just thought it was a silly superstition, Bella said suddenly, her voice edged 



with a new anxiety.  He didnt expect me to think anything of it. 



         Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her twist her hands uneasily. 



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         It was my fault, she said after a brief pause, and then she hung her head as if she 



were ashamed.  I forced him to tell me. 



         Why?  It wasnt so hard to keep my voice level now.  The worst was already 



done.  As long as we spoke of the details of the revelation, we didnt have to move on to 



the consequences of it. 



         Lauren said something about youshe was trying to provoke me.  She made a 



little face at the memory.  I was slightly distracted, wondering how Bella would be 



provoked by someone talking about me  And an older boy from the tribe said your 



family didnt come to the reservation, only it sounded like he meant something different. 



So I got Jacob alone and I tricked it out of him. 



         Her head dropped even lower as she admitted this, and her expression 



lookedguilty. 



         I looked away from her and laughed out loud.  She felt guilty?  What could she 



possibly have done to deserve censure of any kind? 



         Tricked him how? I asked. 



         I tried to flirtit worked better than I thought it would, she explained, and her 



voice turned incredulous at the memory of that success. 



         I could just imagineconsidering the attraction she seemed to have for all things 



male, totally unconscious on her parthow overwhelming she would be when she tried 



to be attractive.  I was suddenly full of pity for the unsuspecting boy shed unleashed 



such a potent force on. 



         Id like to have seen that, I said, and then I laughed again with the black humor. 



I wished I could have heard the boys reaction, witnessed the devastation for myself. 



And you accused me of dazzling peoplepoor Jacob Black. 



         I wasnt as angry with the source of my exposure as I would have expected to 



feel.  He didnt know better.  And how could I expect anyone to deny this girl what she 



wanted?  No, I only felt sympathy for the damage she would have done to his peace of 



mind. 



         I felt her blush heat the air between us.  I glanced at her, and she was staring out 



her window.  She didnt speak again. 



         What did you do then? I prompted.  Time to get back to the horror story. 



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         I did some research on the internet. 



         Ever practical.   And did that convince you? 



         No, she said.  Nothing fit.  Most of it was kind of silly.  And then 



         She broke off again, and I heard her teeth lock together. 



         What? I demanded.  What had she found?  What had made sense of the 



nightmare for her? 



         There was a short paused, and then she whispered, I decided it didnt matter. 



         Shock froze my thoughts for a half-second, and then it all fit together.  Why shed 



sent her friends away tonight rather than escape with them.  Why she had gotten into my 



car with me again instead of running, screaming for the police 



         Her reactions were always wrongalways completely wrong.  She pulled danger 



toward herself.  She invited it. 



         It didnt matter? I said through my teeth, anger filling me.  How was I supposed 



to protect someone sososo determined to be unprotected? 



         No, she said in a low voice that was inexplicably tender.  It doesnt matter to 



me what you are. 



         She was impossible. 



         You dont care if Im a monster?  If Im not human? 



         No. 



         I started to wonder if she was entirely stable. 



         I supposed that I could arrange for her to receive the best care available Carlisle 



would have the connections to find her the most skilled doctors, the most talented 



therapists.  Perhaps something could be done to fix whatever it was that was wrong with 



her, what ever it was that made her content to sit beside a vampire with her heart beating 



calmly and steadily.  I would watch over the facility, naturally, and visit as often as I was 



allowed 



         Youre angry, she sighed.  I shouldnt have said anything. 



         As if her hiding these disturbing tendencies would help either of us. 



         No.  Id rather know what youre thinkingeven if what youre thinking is 



insane. 



         So Im wrong again? she asked, a bit belligerent now. 



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         Thats not what I was referring to!  My teeth clenched together again.  It 



doesnt matter! I repeated in a scathing tone. 



         She gasped.  Im right? 



         Does it matter? I countered. 



         She took a deep breath.  I waited angrily for her answer. 



         Not really, she said, her voice composed again.  But I am curious. 



         Not really.  It didnt really matter.  She didnt care.  She knew I was inhuman, a 



monster, and this didnt really matter to her. 



         Aside from my worries about her sanity, I began to feel a swelling of hope.  I tried 



to quash it. 



         What are you curious about? I asked her.  There were no secrets left, only 



minor details. 



         How old are you? she asked. 



         My answer was automatic and ingrained.  Seventeen. 



         And how long have you been seventeen? 



         I tried not to smile at the patronizing tone.  A while, I admitted. 



         Okay, she said, abruptly enthusiastic.  She smiled up at me.            When I stared 



back, anxious again about her mental health, she smiled wider.  I grimaced. 



         Dont laugh, she warned.  But how can you come out during the daytime? 



         I laughed despite her request.  Her research had not netted her anything unusual, it 



seemed. Myth, I told her. 



         Burned by the sun? 



         Myth. 



         Sleeping in coffins? 



         Myth. 



         Sleep had not been a part of my life for so longnot until these last few nights, as 



Id watched Bella dreaming 



         I cant sleep, I murmured, answering her question more fully. 



         She was silent for a moment. 



         At all? she asked. 



         Never, I breathed. 



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         I stared into her eyes, wide under the thick fringe of lashes, and yearned for sleep. 



Not for oblivion, as I had before, not to escape boredom, but because I wanted to dream. 



Maybe, if I could be unconscious, if I could dream, I could live for a few hours in a world 



where she and I could be together.  She dreamed of me.  I wanted to dream of her. 



         She stared back at me, her expression full of wonder.  I had to look away. 



         I could not dream of her.  She should not dream of me. 



         You havent asked me the most important question yet, I said, my silent chest 



colder and harder than before.  She had to be forced to understand.  At some point, she 



would have to realize what she was doing now.  She must be made to see that this all did 



mattermore than any other consideration.  Considerations like the fact that I loved her. 



         Which one is that? she asked, surprised and unaware. 



         This only made my voice harder.  You arent concerned about my diet? 



         Oh.  That.  She spoke in a quiet tone that I couldnt interpret. 



         Yes, that.  Dont you want to know if I drink blood? 



         She cringed away from my question.  Finally.  She was understanding. 



         Well, Jacob said something about that, she said. 



         What did Jacob say? 



         He said you didnthunt people.  He said your family wasnt supposed to be 



dangerous because you only hunted animals. 



         He said we werent dangerous? I repeated cynically. 



         Not exactly, she clarified.  He said you werent supposed to be dangerous.  But 



the Quileutes still didnt want you on their land, just in case. 



         I stared at the road, my thoughts in a hopeless snarl, my throat aching with the 



familiar fiery thirst. 



         So, was he right? she asked, as calmly as if she were confirming a weather 



report.  About not hunting people? 



         The Quileutes have a long memory. 



         She nodded to herself, thinking hard. 



          Dont let that make you complacent, though, I said quickly.  Theyre right to 



keep their distance from us.  We are still dangerous. 



         I dont understand. 



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         No she didnt.  How to make her see? 



         We try, I told her.  Were usually very good at what we do.  Sometimes we 



make mistakes.  Me, for example, allowing myself to be alone with you. 



         Her scent was still a force in the car.  I was growing used to it, I could almost 



ignore it, but there was no denying that my body still yearned toward her for the wrong 



reason.  My mouth was swimming with venom. 



         This is a mistake? she asked, and there was heartbreak in her voice.  The sound 



of it disarmed me.  She wanted to be with medespite everything, she wanted to be with 



me. 



         Hope swelled again, and I beat it back. 



         A very dangerous one, I told her truthfully, wishing the truth could really 



somehow cease to matter. 



         She didnt respond for a moment.  I heard her breathing changeit hitched in 



strange ways that did not sound like fear. 



         Tell me more, she said suddenly, her voice distorted by anguish. 



         I examined her carefully. 



         She was in pain.  How had I allowed this? 



         What more do you want to know? I asked, trying to think of a way to keep her 



from hurting.  She should not hurt.  I couldnt let her be hurt. 



         Tell me why you hunt animals instead of people, she said, still anguished. 



         Wasnt it obvious?  Or maybe this didnt matter to her either. 



         I dont want to be a monster, I muttered. 



         But animals arent enough? 



         I searched for another comparison, a way that she could understand.  I cant be 



sure, of course, but Id compare it to living on tofu and soy milk; we call ourselves 



vegetarians, our little inside joke.    It doesnt completely satiate the hungeror rather 



thirst.  But it keeps us strong enough to resist.  Most of the time.         My voice got lower; I 



was ashamed of danger I had allowed her to be in.  Danger I continued to allow 



Sometimes its more difficult than others. 



         Is it very difficult for you now? 



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         I sighed.  Of course she would ask the question I didnt want to answer.  Yes, I 



admitted. 



         I expected her physical response correctly this time: her breathing held steady, her 



heart kept its even pattern.  I expected it, but I did not understand it.  How could she not 



be afraid? 



         But youre not hungry now, she declared, perfectly sure of herself. 



         Why do you think that? 



         Your eyes, she said, her tone offhand.  I told you I had a theory.  Ive noticed 



that peoplemen in particularare crabbier when theyre hungry. 



         I chuckled at her description: crabby.  There was an understatement.  But she was 



dead right, as usual.  You are observant, arent you?  I laughed again. 



         She smiled a little, the crease returning between her eyes as if she were 



concentrating on something. 



         Were you hunting this weekend, with Emmett? she asked after my laugh had 



faded.  The casual way she spoke was as fascinating as it was frustrating.  Could she 



really accept so much in stride?  I was closer to shock than she seemed to be. 



         Yes, I told her, and then, as I was about to leave it at that, I felt the same urge 



Id had in the restaurant: I wanted her to know me.  I didnt want to leave, I went on 



slowly, but it was necessary.  Its a bit easier to be around you when Im not thirsty. 



         Why didnt you want to leave? 



         I took a deep breath, and then turned to meet her gaze.  This kind of honesty was 



difficult in a very different way. 



         It makes meanxious, I supposed that word would suffice, though it wasnt 



strong enough, to be away from you.  I wasnt joking when I asked you to try not to fall 



in the ocean or get run over last Thursday.  I was distracted all weekend, worrying about 



you.  And after what happened tonight, Im surprised that you did make it through a 



whole weekend unscathed.  Then I remembered the scrapes on her palms.  Well, not 



totally unscathed, I amended. 



         What? 



         Your hands, I reminded her. 



         She sighed and grimaced.  I fell. 



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         Id guessed right.  Thats what I thought, I said, unable to contain my smile.             I 



suppose, being you, it could have been much worseand that possibility tormented me 



the entire time I was away.  It was a very long three days.  I really got on Emmetts 



nerves.  Honestly, that didnt belong in the past tense.  I was probably still irritating 



Emmett, and all the rest of my family, too.  Except Alice 



         Three days? she asked, her voice suddenly sharp.            Didnt you just get back 



today? 



         I didnt understand the edge in her voice.  No, we got back Sunday. 



         Then why werent any of you in school? she demanded.  Her irritation confused 



me.  She didnt seem to realize that this question was one that related to mythology again. 



         Well, you asked if the sun hurt me, and it doesnt, I said.         But I cant go out in 



the sunlight, at least, not where anyone can see. 



         That distracted her from her mysterious annoyance.  Why? she asked, leaning 



her head to one side. 



         I doubted I could come up with the appropriate analogy to explain this one.  So I 



just told her, Ill show you sometime.  And then I wondered if this was a promise I 



would end up breaking.  Would I see her again, after tonight?  Did I love her enough yet 



to be able to bear leaving her? 



         You might have called me, she said. 



         What an odd conclusion.  But I knew you were safe. 



         But I didnt know where you were.  I  She came to an abrupt stop, and looked 



at her hands. 



         What? 



         I didnt like it, she said shyly, the skin over her cheekbones warming.  Not 



seeing you.  It makes me anxious, too. 



         Are you happy now? I demanded of myself.  Well, here was my reward for 



hoping. 



         I was bewildered, elated, horrifiedmostly horrifiedto realize that all my 



wildest imaginings were not so far off the mark.  This was why it didnt matter to her that 



I was a monster.  It was exactly the same reason that the rules no longer mattered to me. 



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Why right and wrong were no longer compelling influences.  Why all my priorities had 



shifted one rung down to make room for this girl at the very top. 



         Bella cared for me, too. 



         I knew it could be nothing in comparison to how I loved her.  But it was enough 



for her to risk her life to sit here with me.  To do so gladly. 



         Enough to cause her pain if I did the right thing and left her. 



         Was there anything I could do now that would not hurt her?  Anything at all? 



         I should have stayed away.  I should never have come back to Forks.  I would 



cause her nothing but pain. 



         Would that stop me from staying now?  From making it worse? 



         The way I felt right now, feeling her warmth against my skin 



         No.  Nothing would stop me. 



         Ah, I groaned to myself.  This is wrong. 



         What did I say? she asked, quick to take the blame on herself. 



         Dont you see, Bella?  Its one thing for me to make myself miserable, but a 



wholly other thing for you to be so involved.         I dont want to hear that you feel that way. 



It was the truth, it was a lie.  The most selfish part of me was flying with the knowledge 



that she wanted me as I wanted her.  Its wrong.  Its not safe.  Im dangerous, Bella 



please, grasp that. 



         No.  Her lips pouted out petulantly. 



         Im serious.  I was battling with myself so stronglyhalf desperate for her to 



accept, half desperate to keep the warnings from escapingthat the words came through 



my teeth as a growl. 



         So am I, she insisted.  I told you, it doesnt matter what you are.  Its too late. 



         Too late?  The world was bleakly black and white for one endless second as I 



watched the shadows crawl across the sunny lawn toward Bellas sleeping form in my 



memory.  Inevitable, unstoppable.  They stole the color from her skin, and plunged her 



into darkness. 



          Too late?  Alices vision swirled in my head, Bellas blood red eyes staring back 



at me impassively.  Expressionlessbut there was no way that she could not hate me for 



that future.  Hate me for stealing everything from her.  Stealing her life and her soul. 



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         It could not be too late. 



         Never say that, I hissed. 



         She stared out her window, and her teeth bit into her lip again.  Her hands were 



balled into tight fists in her lap.  Her breathing hitched and broke. 



         What are you thinking? I had to know. 



         She shook her head without looking at me.  I saw something glisten, like a crystal, 



on her cheek. 



         Agony.  Are you crying?  Id made her cry.  Id hurt her that much. 



         She scrubbed the tears away with the back of her hand. 



         No, she lied, her voice breaking. 



         Some long buried instinct had me reaching out toward herin that one second I 



felt more human than I ever had.  And then I remembered that I wasnot.  And I 



lowered my hand. 



         Im sorry, I said, my jaw locked.  How could I ever tell her how sorry I was? 



Sorry for all the stupid mistakes Id made.  Sorry for my never-ending selfishness.  Sorry 



that she was so unfortunate as to have inspired this first, tragic love of mine.  Sorry also 



for the things beyond my controlthat Id been the monster chosen by fate to end her life 



in the first place. 



         I took a deep breathignoring my wretched reaction to the flavor in the carand 



tried to collect myself. 



         I wanted to change the subject, to think of something else.  Lucky for me, my 



curiosity about the girl was insatiable.  I always had a question. 



         Tell me something, I said. 



         Yes? she asked huskily, tears still in her voice. 



         What were you thinking tonight, just before I came around the corner?  I 



couldnt understand your expressionyou didnt look that scared, you looked like you 



were concentrating very hard on something.  I remembered her faceforcing myself to 



forget whose eyes I was looking throughthe look of determination there. 



         I was trying to remember how to incapacitate an attacker, she said, her voice 



more composed.  You know, self defense.  I was going to smash his nose into his brain. 



Her composure did not last to the end of her explanation.  Her tone twisted until it 



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seethed with hate.  This was no hyperbole, and her kittenish fury was not humorous now. 



I could see her frail figurejust silk over glassovershadowed by the meaty, heavy- 



fisted human monsters who would have hurt her.  The fury boiled in the back of my head. 



         You were going to fight them?  I wanted to groan.  Her instincts were deadly 



to herself.  Didnt you think about running? 



         I fall down a lot when I run, she said sheepishly. 



         What about screaming for help? 



         I was getting to that part. 



         I shook my head in disbelief.  How had she managed to stay alive before shed 



come to Forks? 



         You were right, I told her, a sour edge to my voice.  Im definitely fighting 



fate trying to keep you alive. 



         She sighed, and glanced out the window.  Then she looked back at me. 



         Will I see you tomorrow? she demanded abruptly. 



         As long as I was on my way to hellI might as well enjoy the journey. 



         YesI have a paper due, too.  I smiled at her, and it felt good to do this.  Ill 



save you a seat at lunch. 



         Her heart fluttered; my dead heart suddenly felt warmer. 



         I stopped the car in front of her fathers house.  She made no move to leave me. 



         Do youpromise to be there tomorrow? she insisted. 



         I promise. 



         How could doing the wrong thing give me so much happiness?  Surely there was 



something amiss in that. 



         She nodded to herself, satisfied, and started to remove my jacket. 



         You can keep it, I assured her quickly.  I rather wanted to leave her with 



something of myself.  A token, like the bottle cap that was in my pocket now  You 



dont have a jacket for tomorrow. 



         She handed it back to me, smiling ruefully.  I dont want to have to explain to 



Charlie, she told me. 



         I would imagine not.  I smiled at her.  Oh, right. 



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         She put her hand on the door handle, and then stopped.  Unwilling to leave, just as 



I was unwilling for her to go. 



         To have her unprotected, even for a few moments 



         Peter and Charlotte were well on their way by now, long past Seattle, no doubt. 



But there were always others.  This world was not a safe place for any human, and for her 



it seemed to be more dangerous than it was for the rest. 



         Bella? I asked, surprised at the pleasure there was in simply speaking her name. 



         Yes? 



         Will you promise me something? 



         Yes, she agreed easily, and then her eyes tightened as if shed thought of a 



reason to object. 



         Dont go into the woods alone, I warned her, wondering if this request would 



trigger the objection in her eyes. 



         She blinked, startled.  Why? 



         I glowered into the untrustworthy darkness.  The lack of light was no problem for 



my eyes, but neither would it trouble another hunter.  It only blinded humans. 



         Im not always the most dangerous thing out there, I told her.           Lets leave it at 



that. 



         She shivered, but recovered quickly and was even smiling when she told me, 



Whatever you say. 



         Her breath touched my face, so sweet and fragrant. 



         I could stay here all night like this, but she needed her sleep.  The two desires 



seemed equally strong as they continually warred inside me: wanting her versus wanting 



her to be safe. 



         I sighed at the impossibilities.  Ill see you tomorrow, I said, knowing that I 



would see her much sooner than that.  She wouldnt see me until tomorrow, though. 



         Tomorrow, then, she agreed as she opened her door. 



         Agony again, watching her leave. 



         I leaned after her, wanting to hold her here.  Bella? 



         She turned, and then froze, surprised to find our faces so close together. 



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         I, too, was overwhelmed by the proximity.  The heat rolled off her in waves, 



caressing my face.  I could all but feel the silk of her skin 



         Her heartbeat stuttered, and her lips fell open. 



         Sleep well, I whispered, and leaned away before the urgency in my body 



either the familiar thirst or the very new and strange hunger I suddenly feltcould make 



me do something that might hurt her. 



         She sat there motionless for a moment, her eyes wide and stunned.  Dazzled, I 



guessed. 



         As was I. 



         She recoveredthough her face was still a bit bemusedand half fell out of the 



car, tripping over her feet and having to catch the frame of the car to right herself. 



         I chuckledhopefully it was too quiet for her to hear. 



         I watched her stumble her way up to the pool of light that surrounded the front 



door.  Safe for the moment.  And I would be back soon to make sure. 



         I could feel her eyes follow me as I drove down the dark street.  Such a different 



sensation than I was accustomed to.  Usually, I could simply watch myself through 



someones following eyes, were I of a mind to.  This was strangely excitingthis 



intangible sensation of watching eyes.  I knew it was just because they were her eyes. 



         A million thoughts chased each other through my head as I drove aimlessly into 



the night. 



         For a long time I circled through the streets, going nowhere, thinking of Bella and 



the incredible release of having the truth known.  No longer did I have to dread that she 



would find out what I was.  She knew.  It didnt matter to her.  Even though this was 



obviously a bad thing for her, it was amazingly liberating for me. 



         More than that, I thought of Bella and requited love.  She couldnt love me the 



way I loved hersuch an overpowering, all-consuming, crushing love would probably 



break her fragile body.  But she felt strongly enough.  Enough to subdue the instinctive 



fear.  Enough to want to be with me.  And being with her was the greatest happiness I had 



ever known. 



         For a whileas I was all alone and hurting no one else for a changeI allowed 



myself to feel that happiness without dwelling on the tragedy.  Just to be happy that she 



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cared for me.  Just to exult in the triumph of winning her affection.  Just to imagine day 



after day of sitting close to her, hearing her voice and earning her smiles. 



         I replayed that smile in my head, seeing her full lips pull up at the corners, the 



hint of a dimple that touched her pointed chin, the way her eyes warmed and melted 



Her fingers had felt so warm and soft on my hand tonight.  I imagined how it would feel 



to touch the delicate skin that stretched over her cheekbonessilky, warmso fragile. 



Silk over glassfrighteningly breakable. 



         I didnt see where my thoughts were leading until it was too late.  As I dwelt on 



that devastating vulnerability, new images of her face intruded on my fantasies. 



         Lost in the shadows, pale with fearyet her jaw tight and determined, her eyes 



fierce, full of concentration, her slim body braced to strike at the hulking forms that 



gathered around her, nightmares in the gloom 



         Ah, I groaned as the simmering hate that Id all but forgotten in the joy of 



loving her burst again into an inferno of rage. 



         I was alone.  Bella was, I trusted, safe inside her home; for a moment I was 



fiercely glad that Charlie Swanhead of the local law enforcement, trained and armed 



was her father.  That ought to mean something, provide some shelter for her. 



         She was safe.  It would not take me so very long to avenge the insult 



         No.  She deserved better.  I could not allow her to care for a murderer. 



         Butwhat about the others? 



         Bella was safe, yes.  Angela and Jessica were also, surely, safe in their beds. 



         Yet a monster was loose in the streets of Port Angeles.  A human monsterdid 



that make him the humans problem?  To commit the murder I ached to commit was 



wrong.  I knew that.  But leaving him free to attack again could not be the right thing 



either. 



         The blond hostess from the restaurant.  The waitress Id never really looked at. 



Both had irritated me in a trivial way, but that did not mean they deserved to be in 



danger. 



         Either one of them might be somebodys Bella. 



         That realization decided me. 



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         I turned the car north, accelerating now that I had a purpose.  Whenever I had a 



problem that was beyond mesomething tangible like thisI knew where I could go for 



help. 



         Alice was sitting on the porch, waiting for me.  I pulled to a stop in front of the 



house rather than going around to the garage. 



         Carlisles in his study, Alice told me before I could ask. 



         Thank you, I said, tousling her hair as I passed. 



         Thank you for returning my call, she thought sarcastically. 



         Oh.  I paused by the door, pulling out my phone and flipping it open.  Sorry.  I 



didnt even check to see who it was.  I wasbusy. 



         Yeah, I know.  Im sorry, too.  By the time I saw what was going to happen, you 



were on your way. 



         It was close, I murmured. 



         Sorry, she repeated, ashamed of herself. 



         It was easy to be generous, knowing that Bella was fine.  Dont be.  I know you 



cant catch everything.  No one expects you to be omniscient, Alice. 



         Thanks. 



         I almost asked you out to dinner tonightdid you catch that before I changed 



my mind? 



         She grinned.  No, I missed that one, too.  Wish Id known.  I would have come. 



         What were you concentrating on, that you missed so much? 



         Jaspers thinking about our anniversary.         She laughed.  Hes trying not to make a 



decision on my gift, but I think I have a pretty good idea 



         Youre shameless. 



         Yep. 



         She pursed her lips, and stared up at me, a hint of accusation in her expression.  I 



paid better attention later.  Are you going to tell th em that she knows? 



         I sighed.  Yes.  Later. 



         I wont say anything.  Do me a favor and tell Rosalie when Im not around, okay? 



         I flinched.  Sure. 



         Bella took it pretty well. 



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         Too well. 



         Alice grinned at me.  Dont underestimate Bella. 



         I tried to block the image I didnt want to seeBella and Alice, best of friends. 



         Impatient now, I sighed heavily.  I wanted to be through with the next part of the 



 evening; I wanted it over with.  But I was a little worried to leave Forks 



         Alice I began.  She saw what I was planning to ask. 



         Shell be fine tonight.  Im keeping a better watch now.  She sort of needs twenty- 



four hour supervision, doesn t she? 



         At least. 



         Anyway, youll be with her soon enough. 



         I took a deep breath.  The words were beautiful to me. 



         Go onget this done so you can be where you want to be, she told me. 



         I nodded, and hurried up to Carlisles room. 



         He was waiting for me, his eyes on the door rather than the thick book on his 



 desk. 



         I heard Alice tell you where to find me, he said, and smiled. 



         It was a relief to be with him, to see the empathy and deep intelligence in his eyes. 



 Carlisle would know what to do. 



         I need help. 



         Anything, Edward, he promised. 



         Did Alice tell you what happened to Bella tonight? 



         Almost happened, he amended. 



         Yes, almost.  Ive got a dilemma, Carlisle.  You see, I wantvery muchto kill 



 him.  The words started to flow fast and passionate.  So much.  But I know that would 



be wrong, because it would be vengeance, not justice.  All anger, no impartiality.  Still, it 



 cant be right to leave a serial rapist and killer wandering Port Angeles!  I dont know the 



 humans there, but I cant let someone else take Bellas place as his victim.  Those other 



 womensomeone might feel about them the way I feel about Bella.  Might suffer what I 



 would have suffered if shed been harmed.  Its not right 



         His wide, unexpected smile stopped the rush of my words cold. 



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         Shes very good for you, isnt she?  So much compassion, so much control.  Im 



impressed. 



         Im not looking for compliments, Carlisle. 



         Of course not.  But I cant help my thoughts, can I?  He smiled again.  Ill take 



care of it.  You can rest easy.  No one else will be harmed in Bellas place. 



         I saw the plan in his head.     It wasnt exactly what I wanted, it did not satisfy my 



craving for brutality, but I could see that it was the right thing. 



         Ill show you where to find him, I said. 



         Lets go. 



         He grabbed his black bag on the way.  I would have preferred a more aggressive 



form of sedationlike a cracked skullbut I would let Carlisle do this his way. 



         We took my car.  Alice was still on the steps.  She grinned and waved as we drove 



away.  I saw that she had looked ahead for me; we would have no difficulties. 



         The trip was very short on the dark, empty road.  I left off my headlights to keep 



from attracting attention.  It made me smile to think how Bella would have reacted to this 



pace.  Id already been driving slower than usualto prolong my time with herwhen 



shed objected. 



         Carlisle was thinking of Bella, too. 



         I didntforesee that she would be so good for him.  Thats unexpected.  Perhaps 



this was somehow meant to be.  Perhaps it serves a higher purpose.  Only 



         He pictured Bella with snow cold skin and blood red eyes, and then flinched away 



from the image. 



         Yes.   Only.  Indeed.  Because how could there be any good in destroying 



something so pure and lovely? 



         I glowered into the night, all the joy of the evening destroyed by his thoughts. 



         Edward deserves happiness.  Hes owed it.  The fierceness of Carlisles thoughts 



surprised me.    There must be a way. 



         I wished I could believe thateither one.  But there was no higher purpose to 



what was happening to Bella.  Just a vicious harpy, an ugly, bitter fate who could not bear 



for Bella to have the life she deserved. 



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         I did not linger in Port Angeles.  I took Carlisle to the dive where the creature 



named Lonnie was drowning his disappointment with his friendstwo of whom had 



already passed out.  Carlisle could see how hard it was for me to be so closefor me to 



hear the monsters thoughts and see his memories, memories of Bella mixed in with less 



fortunate girls who no one could save now. 



         My breathing sped.  I clenched the steering wheel. 



         Go, Edward, he told me gently.  Ill make the rest of them safe.  You go back to 



Bella. 



         It was exactly the right thing to say.  Her name was the only distraction that could 



mean anything to me now. 



         I left him in the car, and ran back to Forks in a straight line through the sleeping 



forest.  It took less time than the first journey in the speeding car.  It was just minutes 



later that I scaled the side of her house and slid her window out of my way. 



         I sighed silently with relief.  Everything was just as it should be.  Bella was safe 



in her bed, dreaming, her wet hair tangled like seaweed across the pillow. 



         But, unlike most nights, she was curled into a small ball with the covers stretched 



taut around her shoulders.  Cold, I guessed.  Before I could settle into my usual seat, she 



shivered in her sleep, and her lips trembled. 



         I thought for a brief moment, and then I eased out into the hallway, exploring 



another part of her house for the first time. 



         Charlies snores were loud and even.  I could almost catch the edge of his dream. 



Something with the rush of water and patient expectationfishing, maybe? 



         There, at the top of the stairs, was a promising looking cupboard.  I opened it 



hopefully, and found what I was looking for.  I selected the thickest blanket from the tiny 



linen closet, and took it back into her room.  I would return it before she woke, and no 



one would be the wiser. 



         Holding my breath, I cautiously spread the blanket over her; she didnt react to 



the added weight.  I returned to the rocking chair. 



         While I waited anxiously for her to warm up, I thought of Carlisle, wondering 



where he was now.  I knew his plan would go smoothlyAlice had seen that. 



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         Thinking of my father made me sighCarlisle gave me too much credit.  I 



wished I was the person he thought me to be.  That person, the one who deserved 



happiness, might hope to be worthy of this sleeping girl.  How different things would be 



if I could be that Edward. 



         As I pondered this, a strange, uncalled image filled my head. 



         For one moment, the hag-faced fate Id imagined, the one who sought Bellas 



destruction, was replaced by the most foolish and reckless of angels.  A guardian angel 



something Carlisles version of me might have had.  With a heedless smile on her lips, 



her sky-colored eyes full of mischief, the angel formed Bella in such a fashion that there 



was no way that I could possibly overlook her.  A ridiculously potent scent to demand my 



attention, a silent mind to enflame my curiosity, a quiet beauty to hold my eyes, a selfless 



soul to earn my awe.  Leave out the natural sense of self-preservationso that Bella 



could bear to be near meand, finally, add a wide streak of appallingly bad luck. 



         With a careless laugh, the irresponsible angel propelled her fragile creation 



directly into my path, trusting blithely in my flawed morality to keep Bella alive. 



         In this vision, I was not Bellas sentence; she was my reward. 



         I shook my head at the fantasy of the unthinking angel.  She was not much better 



than the harpy.  I could not think well of a higher power that would behave in such a 



dangerous and stupid manner.  At least the ugly fate I could fight against. 



         And I had no angel.     They were reserved for the goodfor people like Bella.  So 



where was her angel through all this?  Who was watching over her? 



         I laughed silently, startled, as I realized that, just now, I was filling that role. 



         A vampire angelthere was a stretch. 



         After about a half hour, Bella relaxed out of the tight ball.  Her breathing got 



deeper and she started to murmur.  I smiled, satisfied.  It was a small thing, but at least 



she was sleeping more comfortably tonight because I was here. 



         Edward, she sighed, and she smiled, too. 



         I shoved tragedy aside for the moment, and let myself be happy again. 



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                                           11. Interrogations 



CNN broke the story first. 



         I was glad it hit the news before I had to leave for school, anxious to hear how the 



humans would phrase the account, and what amount of attention it would garner. 



Luckily, it was a heavy news day.  There was an earthquake in South America and a 



political kidnapping in the Middle East.        So it ended up only earning a few seconds, a few 



sentences, and one grainy picture. 



         Alonzo Calderas Wallace, suspected serial rapist and murderer wanted in the 



states of Texas and Oklahoma, was apprehended last night in Portland, Oregon thanks to 



an anonymous tip.  Wallace was found unconscious in an alley early this morning, just a 



few yards from a police station.  Officials are unable to tell us at this time whether he will 



be extradited to Houston or Oklahoma City to stand trial. 



         The picture was unclear, a mug shot, and hed had a thick beard at the time of the 



photograph.  Even if Bella saw it, she would probably not recognize him.  I hoped she 



wouldnt; it would make her afraid needlessly. 



         The coverage here in town will be light.  Its too far away to be considered of 



local interest, Alice told me.  It was a good call to have Carlisle take him out of state. 



         I nodded.  Bella didnt watch much TV regardless, and Id never seen her father 



watching anything besides sports channels. 



         Id done what I could.  This monster no longer hunted, and I was not a murderer. 



Not recently, anyway.  Id been right to trust Carlisle, as much as I still wished the 



monster had not gotten off quite so easily.  I caught myself hoping he would be extradited 



to Texas, where the death penalty was so popular 



         No.  That didnt matter.  I would put this behind me, and concentrate on what was 



most important. 



         Id left Bellas room less than an hour ago.  I was already aching to see her again. 



         Alice, do you mind 



         She cut me off.  Rosalie will drive.  Shell act pissed, but you know shell enjoy 



the excuse to show off her car.  Alice trilled a laugh. 



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         I grinned at her.  See you at school. 



         Alice sighed, and my grin became a grimace. 



         I know, I know, she thought.  Not yet.  Ill wait until youre ready for Bella to 



know me.  You should know, though, this isnt just me being selfish.  Bellas going to like 



me, too. 



         I didnt answer her as I hurried out the door.  That was a different way of viewing 



the situation.   Would Bella want to know Alice?  To have a vampire for a girlfriend? 



         Knowing Bellathat idea probably wouldnt bother her in the slightest. 



         I frowned to myself.  What Bella wanted and what was best for Bella were two 



very separate things. 



         I started to feel uneasy as I parked my car in Bellas driveway.  The human adage 



said that things looked different in the morningthat things changed when you slept on 



them.  Would I look different to Bella in the weak light of a foggy day?  More sinister or 



less sinister than I had in the blackness of night?  Had the truth sunk in while she slept? 



Would she finally be afraid? 



         Her dreams had been peaceful, though, last night.  When shed spoken my name, 



time and time again, shed smiled.  More than once shed murmured a plea for me to stay. 



Would that mean nothing today? 



         I waited nervously, listening to the sounds of her inside the housethe fast, 



stumbling footsteps on the stairs, the sharp rip of a foil wrapper, the contents of the 



refrigerator crashing against each other when the door slammed.  It sounded like she was 



in a hurry.  Anxious to get to school?  The thought made me smile, hopeful again. 



         I looked at the clock.  I supposed thattaking in account the velocity her decrepit 



truck must limit her toshe was running a little late. 



         Bella rushed out of the house, her book bag sliding off her shoulder, her hair 



coiled into a messy twist that was already coming apart on the nape of her neck.               The 



thick green sweater she wore was not enough to keep her thin shoulders from hunching 



against the cold fog. 



         The long sweater was too big for her, unflattering.  It masked her slender figure, 



turning all her delicate curves and soft lines into a shapeless jumble.  I appreciated this 



almost as much as I wished that she had worn something more like the soft blue blouse 



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shed worn last nightthe fabric had clung to her skin in such an appealing way, cut low 



enough to reveal the mesmerizing way her collar bones curled away from the hollow 



beneath her throat.  The blue had flowed like water along the subtle shape of her body 



         It was betteressentialthat I kept my thoughts far, far away from that shape, so 



I was grateful to the unbecoming sweater she wore.  I couldnt afford to make mistakes, 



and it would be a monumental mistake to dwell on the strange hungers that thoughts of 



her lipsher skinher bodywere shaking loose inside of me.  Hungers that had 



evaded me for a hundred years.  But I could not allow myself to think of touching her, 



because that was impossible. 



         I would break her. 



         Bella turned away from the door, in such a hurry that she nearly ran right by my 



car without noticing it. 



         Then she skidded to a stop, her knees locking like a startled colts.  Her bag slid 



further down her arm, and her eyes flew wide as they focused on the car. 



         I got out, taking no care to move at human speed, and opened the passenger door 



for her.  I would not try to deceive her anymorewhen we were alone, at least, I would 



be myself. 



         She looked up at me, startled again as I seemingly materialized out of the fog. 



And then the surprise in her eyes changed to something else, and I was no longer afraid 



or hopefulthat her feelings for me had changed in the course of the night.  Warmth, 



wonder, fascination, all swimming in the melted chocolate of her eyes. 



         Do you want to ride with me today? I asked.  Unlike dinner last night, I would 



let her choose.  From now on, it must always be her choice. 



         Yes, thank you, she murmured, climbing into my car without hesitation. 



         Would it ever cease to thrill me, that I was the one she was saying yes to?  I 



doubted it. 



         I flashed around the car, eager to join her.  She showed no sign of being shocked 



by my sudden reappearance. 



         The happiness I felt when she sat beside me this way had no precedent.  As much 



as I enjoyed the love and companionship of my family, despite the various entertainments 



and distractions the world had to offer, I had never been happy like this.  Even knowing 



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that it was wrong, that this couldnt possibly end well, could not keep the smile from my 



face for long. 



         My jacket was folded over the headrest of her seat.  I saw her eyeing it. 



         I brought the jacket for you, I told her.  This was my excuse, had I needed to 



provide one, for showing up uninvited this morning.  It was cold.  She had no jacket. 



Surely this was an acceptable form of chivalry.  I didnt want you to get sick or 



something. 



         Im not quite that delicate, she said, staring at my chest rather than my face, as 



if she were hesitant to meet my eyes.  But she put the coat on before I had to resort to 



commanding or coaxing. 



         Arent you? I muttered to myself. 



         She stared out at the road as I accelerated toward the school.  I could only stand 



the silence for a few seconds.  I had to know what her thoughts were this morning.  So 



much had changed between us since the last time the sun was up. 



         What, no twenty questions today? I asked, keeping it light again. 



         She smiled, seeming glad that Id broached the subject.  Do my questions bother 



you? 



         Not as much as your reactions do, I told her honestly, smiling in response to her 



smile. 



         Her mouth turned down.  Do I react badly? 



         No, thats the problem.  You take everything so coollyits unnatural.  Not one 



scream so far.  How could that be?  It makes me wonder what youre really thinking. 



Of course, everything she did or didnt do made me wonder that. 



         I always tell you what Im really thinking. 



         You edit. 



         Her teeth pressed into her lip again.  She didnt seem to notice when she did 



thisit was an unconscious response to tension.  Not very much. 



         Just those words were enough to have my curiosity raging.  What did she 



purposefully keep from me? 



         Enough to drive me insane, I said. 



         She hesitated, and then whispered, You dont want to hear it. 



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         I had to think for a moment, run through our entire conversation last night, word 



for word, before I made the connection.  Perhaps it took so much concentration because I 



couldnt imagine anything that I wouldnt want her to say to me.  And thenbecause the 



tone of her voice was the same as last night; there was suddenly pain there againI 



remembered.  Once, I had asked her not to speak her thoughts.  Never say that, Id all but 



snarled at her.  I had made her cry 



         Was this what she kept from me?  The depth of her feelings about me?  That my 



being a monster didnt matter to her, and that she thought it was too late for her to change 



her mind? 



         I was unable to speak, because the joy and pain were too strong for words, the 



conflict between them too wild to allow for a coherent response.  It was silent in the car 



except for the steady rhythms of her heart and lungs. 



         Wheres the rest of your family? she asked suddenly. 



         I took a deep breathregistering the scent in the car with true pain for the first 



time; I was getting used to this, I realized with satisfactionand forced myself to be 



casual again. 



         They took Rosalies car.  I parked in the open spot next to the car in question.             I 



hid my smile as I watched her eyes widen.  Ostentatious, isnt it? 



         Um, wow.  If she has that, why does she ride with you? 



         Rosalie would have enjoyed Bellas reactionif she were being objective about 



Bella, which probably wouldnt happen. 



         Like I said, its ostentatious.  We try to blend in. 



         You dont succeed, she told me, and then she laughed a carefree laugh. 



         The blithe, wholly untroubled sound of her laughter warmed my hollow chest 



even as it made my head swim with doubt. 



         So why did Rosalie drive today if its more conspicuous? she wondered. 



         Hadnt you noticed?  Im breaking all the rules now. 



         My answer should have been mildly frighteningso, of course, Bella smiled at it. 



         She didnt wait for me to open her door, just like last night.  I had to feign 



normality here at schoolso I couldnt move fast enough to prevent thisbut she was 



just going to have to get used to being treated with more courtesy, and get used to it soon. 



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         I walked as close to her as I dared, watching carefully for any sign that my 



proximity upset her.  Twice her hand twitched toward me and then she would snatch it 



back.  It looked like she wanted to touch me           My breath sped. 



         Why do you have cars like that at all?  If youre looking for privacy? she asked 



as we walked. 



         An indulgence, I admitted.  We all like to drive fast. 



         Figures, she mumbled, her tone sour. 



         She didnt look up to see my answering grin. 



         Nuh-uh!  I dont believe this!  How the hell did Bella pull this off?  I dont get it! 



 Why? 



         Jessicas mental boggling interrupted my thoughts.  She was waiting for Bella, 



taking refuge from the rain under the edge of the cafeterias roof, with Bellas winter 



jacket over her arm.     Her eyes were wide with disbelief. 



         Bella noticed her, too, in the next moment.  A faint pink touched her cheek when 



Bella registered Jessicas expression.  The thoughts in Jessicas head were fairly clear on 



her face. 



         Hey, Jessica.  Thanks for remembering, Bella greeted her.  She reached out for 



the jacket and Jessica handed it to her wordlessly. 



         I should be polite to Bellas friends, whether they were good friends or not. 



Good morning, Jessica. 



         Whoa 



         Jessicas eyes popped even wider.  It was strange and amusingand, honestly, a 



bit embarrassingto realize how much being near Bella had softened me.  It seemed like 



no one was afraid of me any more.  If Emmett found out about this, he would be laughing 



for the next century. 



         Erhi, Jessica mumbled, and her eyes flashed to Bellas face, full of 



significance.  I guess Ill see you in Trig. 



         You are so going to spill.  Im not taking no for an answer.  Details.  I have to 



have details!    Edward freaking CULLEN!!  Life is so unfair. 



         Bellas mouth twitched.  Yeah, Ill see you then. 



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         Jessicas thoughts ran wild as she hurried to her first class, peeking back at us 



now and then. 



         The whole story.  Im not accepting anything less.  Did they plan to meet up last 



night?  Are they dating?  How long?  How could she keep this a secret?  Why would she 



want to?  It cant be a casual thingshe has to be seriously into him.  Is there any other 



option?  I will find out.  I cant stand not knowing.  I wonder if shes made out with him? 



Oh, swoon  Jessicas thoughts were suddenly disjointed, and she let wordless fantasies 



swirl through her head.  I winced at her speculations, and not just because shed replaced 



Bella with herself in the mental pictures. 



         It couldnt be like that.  And yet II wanted 



         I resisted making the admission, even to myself.  How many wrong ways would I 



want Bella in?  Which one would end up killing her? 



         I shook my head, and tried to lighten up. 



         What are you going to tell her? I asked Bella. 



         Hey! she whispered fiercely.  I thought you couldnt read my mind! 



         I cant.  I stared at her, surprised, trying to make sense of her words.  Ahwe 



must have been thinking the same thing at the same time.  HmmI rather liked that. 



However, I told her, I can read hersshell be waiting to ambush you in class. 



         Bella groaned, and then let the jacket slide off her shoulders.  I didnt realize that 



she was giving it back at firstI wouldnt have asked for it; I would rather she kept ita 



tokenso I was too slow to offer her my help.  She handed me the jacket, and put her 



arms through her own, without looking up to see that my hands were extended to assist.  I 



frowned at that, and then controlled my expression before she noticed it. 



         So, what are you going to tell her? I pressed. 



         A little help?  What does she want to know? 



         I smiled, and shook my head.  I wanted to hear what she was thinking without a 



prompt. Thats not fair. 



         Her eyes tightened.     No, you not sharing what you knownow thats unfair. 



         Rightshe didnt like double standards. 



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         We got to the door of her classwhere I would have to leave her; I wondered idly 



if Ms. Cope would be more accommodating about a switch in the schedule of my English 



class  I made myself focus.  I could be fair. 



         She wants to know if were secretly dating, I said slowly.  And she wants to 



know how you feel about me. 



         Her eyes were widenot startled, but ingenious now.  They were open to me, 



readable.  She was playing innocent. 



         Yikes, she murmured.  What should I say? 



         Hmmm.  She always tried to make me give away more than she did.  I pondered 



how to respond. 



         A wayward strand of her hair, slightly damp from the fog, draped across her 



shoulder and curled around where her collar bone was hidden by the ridiculous sweater. 



It drew my eyespulled them across the other hidden lines 



         I reached for it carefully, not touching her skinthe morning was chill enough 



without my touchand twisted it back into place in her untidy bun so that it wouldnt 



distract me again.  I remembered when Mike Newton had touched her hair, and my jaw 



flexed at the memory.  She had flinched away from him then.  Her reaction now was 



nothing the same; instead, there was a slight widening of her eyes, a rush of blood under 



her skin, and a sudden, uneven thumping of her heart. 



         I tried to hide my smile as I answered her question. 



         I suppose you could say yes to the firstif you dont mind, her choice, 



always her choice, its easier than any other explanation. 



         I dont mind, she whispered.  Her heart had not found its normal rhythm yet. 



         And as for her other question I couldnt hide my smile now.  Well, Ill be 



listening to hear the answer to that one myself. 



         Let Bella consider that.  I held back my laugh as shock crossed her face. 



         I turned quickly, before she could ask for any more answers.  I had a difficult time 



not giving her whatever she asked for.  And I wanted to hear her thoughts, not mine. 



         Ill see you at lunch, I called back to her over my shoulder, an excuse to check 



that she was still staring after me, wide-eyed.  Her mouth was hanging open.  I turned 



away again, and laughed. 



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         As I paced away, I was vaguely aware of the shocked and speculative thoughts 



that swirled around meeyes bouncing back and forth between Bellas face and my 



retreating figure.  I paid them little attention.  I couldnt concentrate.  It was hard enough 



to keep my feet moving at an acceptable speed as I crossed the soggy grass to my next 



class.  I wanted to runreally run, so fast that I would disappear, so fast that it would 



feel like I was flying.  Part of me was flying already. 



         I put the jacket on when I got to class, letting her fragrance swim thick around me. 



I would burn nowlet the scent desensitize meand then it would be easier to ignore it 



later, when I was with her again at lunch 



         It was a good thing that my teachers no longer bothered to call on me.  Today 



might have been the day that they would have caught me out, unprepared and answerless. 



My mind was in so many places this morning; only my body was in the classroom. 



         Of course I was watching Bella.  That was becoming naturalas automatic as 



breathing.  I heard her conversation with a demoralized Mike Newton.  She quickly 



directed the conversation to Jessica, and I grinned so wide that Rob Sawyer, who sat at 



the desk to my right, flinched visibly and slid deeper into his seat, away from me. 



         Ugh.  Creepy. 



         Well, I hadnt lost it entirely. 



         I was also monitoring Jessica loosely, watching her refine her questions for Bella. 



I could barely wait for fourth period, ten times as eager and anxious as the curious human 



girl who wanted fresh gossip. 



         And I was also listening to Angela Weber. 



         I had not forgotten the gratitude I felt to herfor thinking nothing but kind things 



toward Bella in the first place, and then for her help last night.  So I waited through the 



morning, looking for something that she wanted.  I assumed it would be an easy; like any 



other human, there must be some bauble or toy she wanted particularly.  Several, 



probably.  I would deliver something anonymously and call us even. 



         But Angela proved almost as unaccommodating as Bella with her thoughts.  She 



was oddly content for a teenager.  Happy.  Perhaps this was the reason for her unusual 



kindnessshe was one of those rare people who had what they wanted and wanted what 



they had.  If she wasnt paying attention to her teachers and her notes, she was thinking 



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of the twin little brothers she was taking to the beach this weekendanticipating their 



excitement with an almost maternal pleasure.  She cared for them often, but was not 



resentful of this fact  It was very sweet. 



         But not really helpful to me. 



         There had to be something she wanted.  I would just have to keep looking.  But 



later.  It was time for Bellas trig class with Jessica. 



         I wasnt watching where I was going as I made my way to English.  Jessica was 



already in her seat, both her feet tapping impatiently against the floor as she waited for 



Bella to arrive. 



         Conversely, once I settled into my assigned seat in the classroom, I became 



utterly still.  I had to remind myself to fidget now and then.  To keep up the charade.  It 



was difficult, my thoughts were so focused on Jessicas.  I hoped she would pay attention, 



really try to read Bellas face for me. 



         Jessicas tapping intensified when Bella walked into the room. 



         She looksglum.  Why?  Maybe theres nothing going on with Edward Cullen. 



That would be a disappointment.  Exceptthen hes still available If hes suddenly 



interested in dating, I dont mind helping out with that 



         Bellas face didnt look glum, it looked reluctant.  She was worriedshe knew I 



would hear all of this.  I smiled to myself. 



         Tell me everything! Jess demanded while Bella was still removing her jacket to 



hang it on the back of her seat.  She was moving with deliberation, unwilling. 



         Ugh, shes so slow.  Lets get to the juicy stuff! 



         What do you want to know? Bella stalled as she took her seat. 



         What happened last night? 



         He bought me dinner, and then he drove me home. 



         And then?  Cmon, there has to be more than that!  Shes lying anyway, I know 



that.  Im going to call her on it. 



         How did you get home so fast? 



         I watched Bella roll her eyes at the suspicious Jessica. 



         He drives like a maniac.       It was terrifying. 



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228 



         She smiled a tiny smile, and I laughed out loud, interrupting Mr. Masons 



announcements.  I tried to turn the laugh into a cough, but no one was fooled.  Mr. Mason 



shot me an irritated look, but I didnt even bother to listen to the thought behind it.  I was 



hearing Jessica. 



         Huh.  She sounds like shes telling the truth.  Why is she making me pull this out 



of her, word by word?  I would be bragging at the top of my lungs if it were me. 



         Was it like a datedid you tell him to meet you there? 



         Jessica watched surprise cross Bellas expression, and was disappointed at how 



genuine it seemed. 



         NoI was very surprised to see him there, Bella told her. 



         What is going on??      But he picked you up for school today?  There has to be 



more to the story. 



         Yesthat was a surprise, too.  He noticed I didnt have a jacket last night. 



         Thats not very much fun, Jessica thought, disappointed again. 



         I was tired of her line of questioningI wanted to hear something I didnt already 



know.  I hoped she wasnt so dissatisfied that she would skip the questions I was waiting 



for. 



         So are you going out again? Jessica demanded. 



         He offered to drive me to Seattle Saturday because he thinks my truck isnt up to 



itdoes that count? 



         Hmm.  He sure is going out of his way towell, take care of her, sort of.  There 



must be something there on his side, if not on hers.  How could THAT be?  Bellas crazy. 



         Yes, Jessica answered Bellas question. 



         Well, then,Bella concluded.         Yes. 



         WowEdward Cullen.  Whether she likes him or not, this is major. 



         I know, Bella sighed. 



         The tone of her voice encouraged Jessica.  Finallyshe sounds like she gets it! 



She must realize 



         Wait!Jessica said, suddenly remembering her most vital question.  Has he 



kissed you?  Please say yes.  And then describe every second! 



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         No, Bella mumbled, and then she looked down at her hands, her face falling. 



 Its not like that. 



         Damn.  I wish  Ha.  Looks like she does to. 



         I frowned.  Bella did look upset about something, but it couldnt be 



disappointment like Jessica assumed.  She couldnt want that.  Not knowing what she 



knew.  She couldnt want to be that close to my teeth.  For all she knew, I had fangs. 



         I shuddered. 



         Do you think Saturday? Jessica prodded. 



         Bella looked even more frustrated as she said,  I really doubt it. 



         Yeah, she does wish.  That sucks for her. 



         Was it because I was watching all this through the filter of Jessicas perceptions 



that it seemed like Jessica was right? 



         For a half-second I was distracted by the idea, the impossibility, of what it would 



be like to try to kiss her.  My lips to her lips, cold stone to warm, yielding silk 



         And then she dies. 



         I shook my head, wincing, and made myself pay attention. 



         What did you talk about? Did you talk to him, or did you make him drag every 



ounce of information out of you like this? 



         I smiled ruefully.  Jessica wasnt far off. 



         I dont know, Jess, lots of stuff.  We talked about the English essay a little. 



         A very little.  I smiled wider. 



         Oh, cMON.  Please, Bella!  Give me some details. 



         Bella deliberated for a moment. 



         Wellokay, Ive got one.  You should have seen the waitress flirting with him 



it was over the top.  But he didnt pay any attention to her at all. 



         What a strange detail to share.  I was surprised Bella had even noticed.  It seemed 



a very inconsequential thing. 



         Interesting  Thats a good sign.  Was she pretty? 



         Hmm.  Jessica thought more of it that I did.  Must be a female thing. 



         Very,Bella told her.       And probably nineteen or twenty. 



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         Jessica was momentarily distracted by a memory of Mike on her date Monday 



nightMike being a little too friendly with a waitress who Jessica did not consider pretty 



at all.  She shoved the memory away and returned, stifling her irritation, to her quest for 



details. 



         Even better.  He must like you. 



         Ithink so, Bella said slowly, and I was on the edge of my seat, my body rigidly 



still. But its hard to tell.  Hes always so cryptic. 



         I must not have been as transparently obvious and out of control as Id thought. 



Stillobservant as she was  How could she not realize that I was in love with her?  I 



sifted through our conversation, almost surprised that I hadnt said the words out loud.  It 



had felt like that knowledge had been the subtext of every word between us. 



         Wow.  How do you sit there across from a male model and make conversation? 



 I dont know how youre brave enough to be alone with him,Jessica said. 



         Shock flashed across Bellas face.        Why? 



         Weird reaction.  What does she think I meant?  Hes so  Whats the right 



word?  Intimidating.  I wouldnt know what to say to him.  I couldnt even speak 



English to him today, and all he said was good morning.  I must have sounded like such 



an idiot. 



         Bella smiled.    I do have some trouble with incoherency when Im around him. 



         She must be trying to make Jessica feel better.  She was almost unnaturally self- 



possessed when we were together. 



         Oh well,Jessica sighed.        Heis unbelievably gorgeous. 



         Bellas face was suddenly colder.  Her eyes flashed the same way they did when 



she resented some injustice.  Jessica didnt process the change in her expression. 



         Theres a lot more to him than that,Bella snapped. 



         Oooh.  Now were getting somewhere.  Really?  Like what? 



         Bella gnawed her lip for a moment.         I cant explain it right,she finally said. 



 But hes even more unbelievablebehind the face.             She looked away from Jessica, her 



eyes slightly unfocused as if she was staring at something very far away. 



         The feeling I felt now was loosely similar to how it felt when Carlisle or Esme 



praised me beyond what I deserved.  Similar, but more intense, more consuming. 



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         Sell stupid somewhere elsetheres nothing better than that face!  Unless its his 



body.  Swoon.  Is that possible?  Jessica giggled. 



         Bella didnt turn.  She continued to stare into the distance, ignoring Jessica. 



         A normal person would be gloating.  Maybe if I keep the questions simple.  Ha ha. 



Like Im talking to a kindergartener. So you like him, then? 



         I was rigid again. 



         Bella didnt look at Jessica.     Yes. 



         I mean, do youreally like him? 



         Yes. 



         Look at that blush! 



         I was. 



         Howmuch do you like him? Jessica demanded. 



         The English room could have gone up in flames and I wouldnt have noticed. 



         Bellas face was bright red nowI could almost feel the heat from the mental 



picture. 



         Too much, she whispered.         More than he likes me.  But I dont see how I can 



help that. 



         Shoot!  What did Mr. Varner just ask?  Umwhich number, Mr. Varner? 



         It was good that Jessica could no longer quiz Bella.  I needed a minute. 



         What on earth was that girl thinking now?  More than he likes me?  How did she 



come up with that?  But I dont see how I can help that?  What was that supposed to 



mean?  I couldnt fit a rational explanation to the words.  They were practically senseless. 



         It seemed I couldnt take anything for granted.  Obvious things, things that made 



perfect sense, somehow got twisted up and turned backwards in that bizarre brain of hers. 



More than he likes me?  Maybe I shouldnt rule out the institution just yet. 



         I glared at the clock, gritting my teeth.  How could mere minutes feel so 



impossibly long to an immortal?  Where was my perspective? 



         My jaw was tight throughout Mr. Varners entire trigonometry lesson.  I heard 



more of that than the lecture in my own class.  Bella and Jessica didnt speak again, but 



Jessica peeked at Bella several times, and once her face was brilliant scarlet again for no 



apparent reason. 



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         Lunch couldnt come fast enough. 



         I wasnt sure if Jessica would get some of the answers I was waiting for when the 



class was over, but Bella was quicker than she was. 



         As soon as the bell sounded, Bella turned to Jessica. 



         In English, Mike asked me if you said anything about Monday night, Bella said, 



a smile pulling at the corners of her lips.  I understood this for what is wasoffence as 



the best defense. 



         Mike asked about me?       Joy made Jessicas mind suddenly unguarded, softer, 



without its usual snide edge.      Youre kidding!  What did you say? 



         I told him you said you had a lot of funand he looked pleased. 



         Tell me exactly what he said, and your exact answer! 



         That was all I was going to get from Jessica today, clearly.  Bella was smiling like 



she was thinking the same thing.  Like shed won the round. 



         Well, lunch would be another story.  I would have better success with getting 



answers out of her than Jessica, I would make sure of that. 



         I could hardly bear to check in occasionally with Jessica through the fourth hour. 



I had no patience for her obsessive thoughts of Mike Newton.  Id had more than enough 



of him in the last two weeks.  He was lucky to be alive. 



         I moved apathetically through gym class with Alice, the way we always moved 



when it came to physical activity with humans.  She was my teammate, naturally.  It was 



the first day of badminton.  I sighed with boredom, swinging the racket in slow motion to 



tap the birdie back to the other side.  Lauren Mallory was on the other team; she missed. 



Alice was twirling her racket like a baton, staring at the ceiling. 



         We all hated gym, Emmett especially.  Throwing games was an affront to his 



personal philosophy. Gym seemed worse today than usualI felt just as irritated as 



Emmett always did. 



         Before my head could explode with impatience, Coach Clapp called the games 



and sent us out early.  I was ridiculously grateful that hed skipped breakfasta fresh 



attempt to dietand the consequent hunger had him in a hurry to leave campus to find a 



greasy lunch somewhere.  He promised himself he would start over tomorrow... 



         This gave me enough time to get to the math building before Bellas class ended. 



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         Enjoy yourself, Alice thought as she headed off to meet Jasper.  Just a few days 



more to be patient.  I suppose you wont say hi to Bella for me, will you? 



         I shook my head, exasperated.  Were all psychics so smug? 



         FYI, its going to be sunny on both sides of the sound this weekend.  You might 



want to rearrange your plans. 



         I sighed as I continued in the opposite direction.  Smug, but definitely useful. 



         I leaned against the wall by the door, waiting.  I was close enough that I could 



hear Jessicas voice through the bricks as well as her thoughts. 



         Youre not sitting with us today, are you?  She looks alllit up.  I bet theres 



tons she didnt tell me. 



         I dont think so, Bella answered, oddly unsure. 



         Hadnt I promised to spend lunch with her?  What was she thinking? 



         They came out of the class together, and both girls eyes widened when they saw 



me.  But I could only hear Jessica. 



         Nice.  Wow.  Oh, yeah, theres more going on here than shes telling me.  Maybe 



Ill call her tonight Or maybe I shouldnt encourage her.  Huh.  I hope he moves past 



her in a hurry.  Mike is cute butwow. 



         See you later, Bella. 



         Bella walked toward me, pausing a step away, still unsure.  Her skin was pink 



across her cheekbones. 



         I knew her well enough now to be sure that there was no fear behind her 



hesitation.  Apparently, this was about some gulf she imagined between her feelings and 



mine.  More than he likes me.       Absurd! 



         Hello, I said, my voice a tad curt. 



         Her face got brighter.  Hi. 



         She didnt seem inclined to say anything else, so I led the way to the cafeteria and 



she walked silently beside me. 



         The jacket had workedher scent was not the blow it usually was.  It was just an 



intensification of the pain I already felt.  I could ignore it more easily than I once would 



have believed possible. 



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         Bella was restless as we waited in line, toying absently with the zipper on her 



jacket and shifting nervously from foot to foot.  She glanced at me often, but whenever 



she met my gaze, she looked down as if she were embarrassed.  Was this because so 



many people were staring at us?  Maybe she could hear the loud whispersthe gossip 



was verbal as well as mental today. 



         Or maybe she realized, from my expression, that she was in trouble. 



         She didnt say anything until I was assembling her lunch.  I didnt know what she 



likednot yetso I grabbed one of everything. 



         What are you doing? she hissed in a low voice.  Youre not getting all that for 



me? 



         I shook my head, and shoved the tray up to the register.  Half is for me, of 



course. 



         She raised one eyebrow skeptically, but said nothing more as I paid for the food 



and escorted her to the table wed sat at last week before her disastrous experience with 



blood typing.  It seemed like much more than a few days.  Everything was different now. 



         She sat across from me again.  I pushed the tray toward her. 



         Take whatever you want, I encouraged. 



         She picked up an apple and twisted it in her hands, a speculative look on her face. 



         Im curious. 



         What a surprise. 



         What would you do if someone dared you to eat food? she continued in a low 



voice that wouldnt carry to human ears.  Immortal ears were another matter, if those ears 



were paying attention.  I probably should have mentioned something to them earlier 



         Youre always curious, I complained.  Oh well.  It wasnt like I hadnt had to 



eat before.  It was part of the charade.  An unpleasant part. 



         I reached for the closest thing, and held her eyes while I bite off a small bite of 



whatever it was.  Without looking, I couldnt tell.  It was as slimy and chunky and 



repulsive as any other human food.  I chewed swiftly and swallowed, trying to keep the 



grimace off my face.  The gob of food moved slowly and uncomfortably down my throat. 



I sighed as I thought of how I would have to choke it back up later.  Disgusting. 



         Bellas expression was shocked.  Impressed. 



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         I wanted to roll my eyes.  Of course we would have perfected such deceptions. 



         If someone dared you to eat dirt, you could, couldnt you? 



         Her nose wrinkled and she smiled.  I did onceon a dare.  It wasnt so bad. 



         I laughed.  I suppose Im not surprised. 



         They look cozy, dont they?  Good body language.  Ill give Bella my take later. 



Hes leaning toward her just the way he should, if hes interested.  He looks interested. 



He looksperfect.      Jessica sighed.  Yum. 



         I met Jessicas curious eyes, and she looked away nervously, giggling to the girl 



next to her. 



         Hmmm.  Probably better to stick to Mike.  Reality, not fantasy 



         Jessicas analyzing everything I do, I informed Bella.  Shell break it down for 



you later. 



         I pushed the plate of food back towards herpizza, I realizedwondering how 



best to begin.  My former frustration flared as the words repeated in my head: More than 



he likes me.  But I dont see how I can help that. 



         She took a bite from the same slice of pizza.  It amazed me how trusting she was. 



Of course, she didnt know I was poisonousnot that sharing food would hurt her.  Still, 



I expected her to treat me differently.  As something other.  She never didat least, not 



in a negative way 



         I would start off gently. 



         So the waitress was pretty, was she? 



         She raised the eyebrow again.  You really didnt notice? 



         As if any woman could hope to capture my attention from Bella.  Absurd, again. 



         No. I wasnt paying attention.  I had a lot on my mind.  Not the least of which 



had been the soft cling of her thin blouse 



         Good thing shed worn that ugly sweater today. 



         Poor girl, Bella said, smiling. 



         She liked that I hadnt found the waitress interesting in any way.  I could 



understand that.  How many times had I imagined crippling Mike Newton in the biology 



room? 



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         She couldnt honestly believe that her human feelings, the fruition of seventeen 



short mortal years, could be stronger than the immortal passions that had been building 



up in me for a century. 



         Something you said to Jessica I couldnt keep my voice casual.  Well, it 



bothers me. 



         She was immediately on the defensive.  Im not surprised you heard something 



you didnt like.  You know what they say about eavesdroppers. 



         Eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves, that was the saying. 



         I warned you I would be listening, I reminded her. 



         And I warned you that you didnt want to know everything I was thinking. 



         Ah, she was thinking of when Id made her cry.  Remorse made my voice thicker. 



You did.  You arent precisely right, though.  I do want to know what youre thinking 



everything.  I just wishthat you wouldnt be thinking some things. 



         More half-lies.  I knew I shouldnt want her to care about me.  But I did.  Of 



course I did. 



         Thats quite a distinction, she grumbled, scowling at me. 



         But thats not really the point at the moment. 



         Then what is? 



         She leaned toward me, her hand cupped lightly around her throat.  It drew my 



eyedistracted me.  How soft that skin must feel 



         Focus, I commanded myself. 



         Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you? I asked.  The 



question sounded ridiculous to me, like the words were scrambled. 



         Her eyes were wide, her breathing stopped.  Then she looked away, blinking 



quickly.  Her breath came in a low gasp. 



         Youre doing it again, she murmured. 



         What? 



         Dazzling me, she admitted, meeting my eyes warily. 



         Oh.  Hmm.  I wasnt quite sure what to do about that.  Nor was I sure that I 



didnt want to dazzle her.  I was still thrilled that I could.  But it wasnt helping the 



progression of the conversation. 



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         Its not your fault.  She sighed.  You cant help it. 



         Are you going to answer my question? I demanded. 



         She stared at the table.  Yes. 



         That was all she said. 



         Yes, you are going to answer, or yes, you really think that? I asked impatiently. 



         Yes, I really think that, she said without looking up.  There was a faint 



undertone of sadness in her voice.  She blushed again, and her teeth moved unconsciously 



to worry her lip. 



         Abruptly, I realized that this was very hard for her to admit, because she truly 



believed it.  And I was no better than that coward, Mike, asking for her to confirm her 



feelings before Id confirmed my own.  It didnt matter that I felt Id make my side 



abundantly clear.  It hadnt gotten through to her, and so I had no excuse. 



         Youre wrong, I promised.  She must hear the tenderness in my voice. 



         Bella looked up to me, her eyes opaque, giving nothing away.  You cant know 



that, she whispered. 



         She thought that I was underestimating her feelings because I couldnt hear her 



thoughts.  But, in truth, the problem was that she was underestimating mine. 



         What makes you think so? I wondered. 



         She stared back at me, the furrow between her brows, biting her lips.  For the 



millionth time, I wished desperately that I could just hear her. 



         I was about to beg her to tell me what thought she was struggling with, but she 



held up a finger to keep me from speaking. 



         Let me think, she requested. 



         As long as she was simply organizing her thoughts, I could be patient. 



         Or I could pretend to be. 



         She pressed her hands together, twining and untwining her slender fingers.  She 



was watching her hands as if they belonged to someone else while she spoke. 



         Well, aside from the obvious, she murmured.  Sometimes  I cant be sureI 



dont know how to read mindsbut sometimes it seems like youre trying to say 



goodbye when youre saying something else.  She didnt look up. 



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         Shed caught that, had she?  Did she realize that it was only weakness and 



selfishness that kept me here?  Did she think less of me for that? 



         Perceptive, I breathed, and then watched in horror as pain twisted her 



expression.  I hurried to contradict her assumption.  Thats exactly why youre wrong, 



though I began, and then I paused, remembering the first words of her explanation. 



They bothered me, though I wasnt sure I understood exactly.  What do you mean, the 



obvious? 



         Well, look at me, she said. 



         I was looking.  All I ever did was look at her.  What did she mean? 



         Im absolutely ordinary, she explained.  Well, except for the bad things like all 



the near death experiences and being so clumsy that Im almost disabled.  And look at 



you.  She fanned the air toward me, like she was making some point so obvious it 



wasnt worth spelling out. 



         She thought she was ordinary?  She thought that I was somehow preferable to 



her?  In whose estimation?  Silly, narrow-minded, blind humans like Jessica or Ms. 



Cope?  How could she not realize that she was the most beautifulmost exquisite 



Those words werent even enough. 



         And she had no idea. 



         You dont see yourself very clearly, you know, I told her.  Ill admit youre 



dead-on about the bad things  I laughed humorlessly.  I did not find the evil fate who 



haunted her comical.  The clumsiness, however, was sort of funny.  Endearing.  Would 



she believe me if I told her she was beautiful, inside and out?  Perhaps she would find 



corroboration more persuasive.  But you didnt hear what every human male was 



thinking on your first day. 



         Ah, the hope, the thrill, the eagerness of those thoughts.  The speed with which 



theyd turned to impossible fantasies.  Impossible, because she wanted none of them. 



         I was the one she said yes to. 



         My smile must have been smug. 



         Her face was blank with surprise.  I dont believe it, she mumbled. 



         Trust me just this onceyou are the opposite of ordinary. 



         Her existence alone was excuse enough to justify the creation of the entire world. 



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         She wasnt used to compliments, I could see that.  Another thing she would just 



have to get used to.  She flushed, and changed the subject.  But Im not saying 



goodbye. 



         Dont you see?  Thats what proves me right.  I care the most, because if I can do 



it  Would I ever be unselfish enough to do the right thing?  I shook my head in 



despair.  I would have to find the strength.  She deserved a life.  Not what Alice had seen 



coming for her.  If leaving is the right thing to do  And it had to be the right thing, 



didnt it?  There was no reckless angel.  Bella didnt belong with me.  Then Ill hurt 



myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe. 



         As I said the words, I willed them to be true. 



         She glared at me.  Somehow, my words had angered her.  And you dont think I 



would do the same? she demanded furiously. 



         So furiousso soft and so fragile.  How could she ever hurt anyone?  Youd 



never have to make the choice, I told her, depressed anew by the wide difference 



between us. 



         She stared at me, concern replacing the anger in her eyes and bringing out the 



little pucker between them. 



         There was something truly wrong with the order of the universe if someone so 



good and so breakable did not merit a guardian angel to keep her out of trouble. 



         Well, I thought with dark humor, at least she has a guardian vampire. 



         I smiled.  How I loved my excuse to stay.  Of course, keeping you safe is 



beginning to feel like a full-time occupation that requires my constant presence. 



         She smiled, too.  No one has tried to do away with me today, she said lightly, 



and then her face turned speculative for half a second before her eyes went opaque again. 



         Yet, I added dryly. 



         Yet, she agreed to my surprise. Id expected her to deny any need for 



protection. 



         How could he?  That selfish jackass!  How could he do this to us? Rosalies 



piercing mental shriek broke through my concentration. 



         Easy, Rose, I heard Emmett whisper from across the cafeteria.  His arm was 



around her shoulders, holding her tight into his siderestraining her. 



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         Sorry, Edward, Alice thought guiltily.        She could tell Bella knew too much from 



your conversationand, well, it would have been worse if I hadnt told her the truth right 



away.  Trust me on that. 



         I winced at the mental picture that followed, at what would have happened if Id 



told Rosalie that Bella knew I was a vampire at home, where Rosalie didnt have a facade 



to keep up.    Id have to hide my Aston Martin somewhere out of state if she didnt calm 



down by the time school was over.  The sight of my favorite car, mangled and burning, 



was upsettingthough I knew Id earned the retribution. 



         Jasper was not much happier. 



         Id deal with the others later.  I only had so much time allotted to be to be with 



Bella, and I wasnt going to waste it.  And hearing Alice had reminded me that I had 



some business to attend to. 



         I have another question for you, I said, tuning out Rosalies mental hysterics. 



         Shoot, Bella said, smiling. 



         Do you really need to go to Seattle this Saturday, or was that just an excuse to 



get out of saying no to all your admirers? 



         She grimaced at me.  You know, I havent forgiven you for the Tyler thing yet. 



Its your fault that hes deluded himself into thinking Im going to prom with him. 



         Oh, he would have found a chance to ask you without meI just really wanted 



to watch your face. 



         I laughed now, remembering her aghast expression.  Nothing Id ever told her 



about my own dark story had ever made her look so horrified.  The truth didnt frighten 



her.  She wanted to be with me.  Mind-boggling. 



         If Id asked you, would you have turned me down? 



         Probably not, she said.  But I would have cancelled laterfaked an illness or a 



sprained ankle. 



         How strange.  Why would you do that? 



         She shook her head, as if she was disappointed that I did not understand at once. 



Youve never seen me in gym, I guess, but I would have thought that you would 



understand. 



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         Ah.   Are you referring to the fact that you cant walk across a flat, stable surface 



without finding something to trip over? 



         Obviously. 



         That wouldnt be a problem.  Its all in the leading. 



         For a brief fraction of a second, I was overwhelmed by the idea of holding her in 



my arms at a dancewhere she would surely wear something pretty and delicate rather 



than this hideous sweater. 



         With perfect clarity, I remembered how her body had felt under mine after Id 



thrown her out of the way of the oncoming van.  Stronger than the panic or the 



desperation or the chagrin, I could remember that sensation.  Shed been so warm and so 



soft, fitting easily into my own stone shape 



         I wrenched myself back from the memory. 



         But you never told me I said quickly, preventing her from arguing with me 



about her clumsiness, as she clearly intended to do.  Are you resolved on going to 



Seattle, or do you mind if we do something different? 



         Deviousgiving her a choice without giving her the option of getting away from 



me for the day.  Hardly fair of me.       But I had made her a promise last nightand I liked 



the idea of fulfilling italmost as much as that idea terrified me. 



         The sun would be shining Saturday.  I could show her the real me, if I was brave 



enough to endure her horror and disgust.  I knew just the place to take such a risk 



         Im open to alternatives, Bella said.  But I do have a favor to ask. 



         A qualified yes.  What would she want from me? 



         What? 



         Can I drive? 



         Was this her idea of humor?  Why? 



         Well, mostly because when I told Charlie I was going to Seattle, he specifically 



asked if I was going alone and, at the time, I was.  If he asked again, I probably wouldnt 



lie, but I dont think he will ask again, and leaving my truck at home would just bring up 



the subject unnecessarily.  And also, because your driving frightens me. 



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         I rolled my eyes at her.    Of all the things about me that could frighten you, you 



worry about my driving.  Truly, her brain worked backwards.  I shook my head, 



disgusted. 



         Edward, Alice called urgently. 



         Suddenly I was staring into a bright circle of sunlight, caught up in one of Alices 



visions. 



         It was a place I knew well, the place Id just considered taking Bellaa little 



meadow where no one ever went beside myself.  A quiet, pretty place where I could 



count on being alonefar enough from any trail or human habitation that even my mind 



could have peace and quiet. 



         Alice recognized it, too, because she had seen me there not so long ago in another 



visionone of those flickering, indistinct visions that Alice had shown me the morning 



Id saved Bella from the van. 



         In that flickering vision, I hadnt been alone.  And now it was clearBella was 



with me there.  So I was brave enough.  She stared at me, rainbows dancing across her 



face, her eyes fathomless. 



         Its the same place, Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the 



vision.  Tension, perhaps, but horror?  What did she mean, the same place? 



         And then I saw it. 



         Edward!    Alice protested shrilly.  I love her, Edward! 



         I shut her out viciously. 



         She didnt love Bella the way I did.  Her vision was impossible.  Wrong.  She was 



blinded somehow, seeing impossibilities. 



         Not even a half a second had passed.  Bella was looking curiously at my face, 



waiting for me to approve her request.  Had she seen the flash of dread, or had it been too 



quick for her? 



         I focused on her, on our unfinished conversation, pushing Alice and her flawed, 



lying visions far from my thoughts.  They didnt deserve my attention. 



         I wasnt able to keep up the playful tone of our banter, though. 



         Wont you want to tell your father that youre spending the day with me? I 



asked, darkness seeping into my voice. 



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         I shoved at the visions again, trying to push them farther away, to keep them from 



flickering through my head. 



         With Charlie, less is always more, Bella said, certain of this fact.  Where are 



we going, anyway? 



         Alice was wrong.  Dead wrong.  There was no chance of that.  And it was just an 



old vision, invalid now.  Things had changed. 



         The weather will be nice, I told her slowly, fighting the panic and indecision. 



Alice was wrong.  I would continue as if I hadnt heard or seen anything.              So Ill be 



staying out of the public eyeand you can stay with me, if youd like to. 



         Bella caught the significance at once; her eyes were bright and eager.  And 



youll show me what you meant, about the sun? 



         Maybe, like so many times before, her reaction would be the opposite of what I 



expected.  I smiled at that possibility, struggling to return to the lighter moment.  Yes. 



But  She hadnt said yes.  If you dont want to bealone with me, Id still rather you 



didnt go to Seattle by yourself.  I shudder to think of the trouble you could find in a city 



that size. 



         Her lips pressed together; she was offended. 



         Phoenix is three times bigger than Seattlejust in population.  In physical 



size 



         But apparently your number wasnt up in Phoenix, I said, cutting off her 



justifications.  So Id rather you stayed with me. 



         She could stay forever and it would not be long enough. 



         I shouldnt think that way.     We didnt have forever.  The passing seconds counted 



more than they ever had before; each second changed her while I remained untouched. 



         As it happens, I dont mind being alone with you, she said. 



         Nobecause her instincts were backwards. 



         I know.  I sighed.  You should tell Charlie, though. 



         Why in the world would I do that? she asked, sounding horrified. 



         I glared at her, the visions I couldnt quite manage to repress swirling sickeningly 



through my head. 



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         To give me some small incentive to bring you back, I hissed.  She should give 



me that muchone witness to compel me to be cautious. 



         Why had Alice forced this knowledge on me now? 



         Bella swallowed loudly, and stared at me for a long moment.  What did she see? 



         I think Ill take my chances, she said. 



         Ugh!  Did she get some thrill out of risking her life?  Some shot of adrenaline she 



craved? 



         I scowled at Alice, who met my glare with a warning glance.  Beside her, Rosalie 



was glowering furiously, but I couldnt have cared less.  Let her destroy the car.  It was 



just a toy. 



         Lets talk about something else, Bella suggested suddenly. 



         I looked back at her, wondering how she could be so oblivious to what really 



mattered.  Why wouldnt she see me for the monster I was? 



         What do you want to talk about? 



         Her eyes darted to the left and then the right, as if checking to make sure there 



were no eavesdroppers.  She must be planning to introduce another myth-related topic. 



Her eyes froze for a second and her body stiffened, and then she looked back to me. 



         Why did you go to that Goat Rocks place last weekendto hunt?  Charlie said it 



wasnt a good place to hike, because of bears. 



         So oblivious.  I stared at her, raising one eyebrow. 



         Bears? she gasped. 



         I smiled wryly, watching that sink in.  Would this make her take me seriously? 



Would anything? 



         She pulled her expression together.  You know, bears are not in season, she said 



severely, narrowing her eyes. 



         If you read carefully, the laws only cover hunting with weapons. 



         She lost control over her face again for a moment.  Her lips fell open. 



         Bears? she said again, a tentative question this time rather than a gasp of shock. 



         Grizzly is Emmetts favorite. 



         I watched her eyes, seeing this settle in. 



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         Hmm, she murmured.  She took a bite of the pizza, looking down.  She chewed 



thoughtfully, and then took a drink. 



         So, she said, finally looking up.  Whats your favorite? 



         I supposed I should have expected something like that, but I hadnt.  Bella was 



always interesting, at the very least. 



         Mountain lion, I answered brusquely. 



         Ah, she said in a neutral tone.  Her heartbeat continued steady and even, as if 



we were discussing a favorite restaurant. 



         Fine, then.  If she wanted to act like this was nothing unusual 



          Of course, we have to be careful not to impact the environment with injudicious 



hunting, I told her, my voice detached and clinical.  We try to focus on areas with an 



overpopulation of predatorsranging as far away as we need.  Theres always plenty of 



deer and elk here, and theyll do, but wheres the fun in that? 



         She listened with a politely interested expression, as if I were a teacher giving a 



lecture.  I had to smile. 



         Where indeed, she murmured calmly, taking another bite of pizza. 



         Early spring is Emmetts favorite bear season, I said, continuing with the 



lecture.  Theyre just coming out of hibernation, so theyre more irritable. 



         Seventy years later, and he still hadnt gotten over losing that first match. 



         Nothing more fun than an irritated grizzly bear, Bella agreed, nodding 



solemnly. 



         I couldnt hold back a chuckle as I shook my head at her illogical calm.  It had to 



be put on.  Tell me what youre really thinking, please. 



         Im trying to picture itbut I cant, she said, the crease appearing between her 



eyes.  How to you hunt a bear without weapons? 



         Oh, we have weapons, I told her, and then flashed her a wide smile.  I expected 



her to recoil, but she was very still, watching me.  Just not the kind they consider when 



writing hunting laws.  If youve ever seen a bear attack on television, you should be able 



to visualize Emmett hunting. 



         She glanced toward the table where the others sat, and shuddered. 



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         Finally.  And then I laughed at myself, because I knew part of me was wishing 



she would stay oblivious. 



         Her dark eyes were wide and deep as she stared at me now.  Are you like a bear, 



too? she asked in an almost-whisper. 



         More like the lion, or so they tell me, I told her, striving to sound detached 



again.  Perhaps our preferences are indicative. 



         Her lips pulled up a tiny bit at the corners.  Perhaps, she repeated.  And then her 



head leaned to the side, and curiosity was suddenly clear in her eyes.  Is that something I 



might get to see? 



         I didnt need pictures from Alice to illustrate this horrormy imagination was 



quite enough. 



         Absolutely not, I snarled at her. 



         She jerked away from me, her eyes bewildered and frightened. 



         I leaned back, too, wanting to put space between us.  She was never going to see, 



was she?  She wouldnt do one thing to help me keep her alive. 



         Too scary for me? she asked, her voice even.  Her heart, however, was still 



moving in double time. 



         If that were it, I would take you out tonight, I retorted through my teeth.  You 



need a healthy dose of fear.  Nothing could be more beneficial for you. 



         Then why? she demanded, undeterred. 



         I glared at her blackly, waiting for her to be afraid.  I was afraid.  I could imagine 



only too clearly having Bella near when I hunted 



         Her eyes remained curious, impatient, nothing more.  She waited for her answer, 



not giving in. 



         But our hour was up. 



         Later, I snapped, and I rose to my feet.  Were going to be late. 



         She looked around herself, disoriented, like shed forgotten we were at lunch. 



Like shed forgotten we were even at schoolsurprised that we were not alone in some 



private place.  I understood that feeling exactly.  It was hard to remember the rest of the 



world when I was with her. 



         She got up quickly, bobbling once, and threw her bag over her shoulder. 



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         Later, then, she said, and I could see the determination in the set of her mouth; 



she would hold me to that. 



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                                          12. Complications 



Bella and I walked silently to biology.  I was trying to focus myself on the moment, on 



the girl beside me, on what was real and solid, on anything that would keep Alices 



deceitful, meaningless visions out of my head. 



         We passed Angela Weber, lingering on the sidewalk, discussing an assignment 



with a boy from her Trigonometry class.  I scanned her thoughts perfunctorily, expecting 



more disappointment, only to be surprised by their wistful tenor. 



         Ah, so there was something Angela wanted.  Unfortunately, it wasnt something 



that could be easily gift-wrapped. 



         I felt strangely comforted for a moment, hearing Angelas hopeless yearning.  A 



sense of kinship that Angela would never know about passed through me, and I was, in 



that second, at one with the kind human girl. 



         It was oddly consoling to know that I wasnt the only one living out a tragic love 



story.  Heartbreak was everywhere. 



         In the next second, I was abruptly and thoroughly irritated.  Because Angelas 



story didnt have to be tragic.  She was human and he was human and the difference that 



seemed so insurmountable in her head was ridiculous, truly ridiculous compared to my 



own situation.  There was nopoint in her broken heart.  What a wasteful sadness, when 



there was no valid reason for her not to be with the one she wanted.  Why shouldnt she 



have what she wanted?  Why shouldnt this one story have a happy ending? 



         I wanted to give her a gift  Well, I would give her what she wanted.  Knowing 



what I did of human nature, it probably wouldnt even be very difficult.  I sifted through 



the consciousness of the boy beside her, the object of her affections, and he did not seem 



unwilling, he was just stymied by the same difficulty she was.  Hopeless and resigned, 



the way she was. 



         All I would have to do was plant the suggestion 



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         The plan formed easily, the script wrote itself without effort on my part.  I would 



need Emmetts helpgetting him to go along with this was the only real difficulty. 



Human nature was so much easier to manipulate than vampire nature. 



         I was pleased with my solution, with my gift for Angela.  It was a nice diversion 



from my own problems.  Would that mine were as easily fixed. 



         My mood was slightly improved as Bella and I took our seats.  Maybe I should be 



more positive.  Maybe there was some solution out there for us that was escaping me, the 



way Angelas obvious solution was so invisible to her.  Not likely  But why waste time 



with hopelessness?  I didnt have time to waste when it came to Bella.  Each second 



mattered. 



         Mr. Banner entered pulling an ancient TV and VCR.  He was skipping through a 



section he wasnt particularly interested ingenetic disordersby showing a movie for 



the next three days.  Lorenzos Oil was not a very cheerful piece, but that didnt stop the 



excitement in the room.  No notes, no test-able material.  Three free days.  The humans 



exulted. 



         It didnt matter to me, either way.  I hadnt been planning on paying any attention 



to anything but Bella. 



         I did not pull my chair away from hers today, to give myself space to breathe. 



Instead, I sat close beside her like any normal human would.  Closer than we sat inside 



my car, close enough that the left side of my body felt submerged in the heat from her 



skin. 



         It was a strange experience, both enjoyable and nerve-racking, but I preferred this 



to sitting across the table from her.  It was more than I was used to, and yet I quickly 



realized that it was not enough.  I was not satisfied.  Being this close to her only made me 



want to be closer still.  The pull was stronger the closer I got. 



         I had accused her of being a magnet for danger.  Right now, it felt like that was 



the literal truth.  I was danger, and, with every inch I allowed myself nearer to her, her 



attraction grew in force. 



         And then Mr. Banner turned the lights out. 



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         It was odd how much of a difference this made, considering that the lack of light 



meant little to my eyes.  I could still see just as perfectly as before.  Every detail of the 



room was clear. 



         So why the sudden shock of electricity in the air, in this dark that was not dark to 



me?  Was it because I knew that I was the only one who could see clearly?  That both 



Bella and I were invisible to the others?  Like we were alone, just the two of us, hidden in 



the dark room, sitting so close beside one another 



         My hand moved toward her without my permission.  Just to touch her hand, to 



hold it in the darkness.  Would that be such a horrific mistake?  If my skin bothered her, 



she only had to pull away 



         I yanked my hand back, folded my arms tightly across my chest and clenched my 



hands closed.  No mistakes.  Id promised myself that I would make no mistakes, no 



matter how minimal they seemed.          If I held her hand, I would only want moreanother 



insignificant touch, another move closer to her.  I could feel that.  A new kind of desire 



was growing in me, working to override my self-control. 



         No mistakes. 



         Bella folded her arms securely across her own chest, and her hands balled up into 



fists, just like mine. 



         What are you thinking?  I was dying to whisper the words to her, but the room 



was too quiet to get away with even a whispered conversation. 



         The movie began, lightening the darkness just a bit.  Bella glanced up at me.  She 



noted the rigid way I held my bodyjust like hersand smiled.  Her lips parted slightly, 



and her eyes seemed full of warm invitations. 



         Or perhaps I was seeing what I wanted to see. 



         I smiled back; her breathing caught with a low gasp and she looked quickly away. 



         That made it worse.  I didnt know her thoughts, but I was suddenly positive that I 



had been right before, and that she wanted me to touch her.  She felt this dangerous desire 



just as I did. 



         Between her body and mine, the electricity hummed. 



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         She didnt move all through the hour, holding her stiff, controlled pose as I held 



mine.  Occasionally she would peek at me again, and the humming current would jolt 



through me with a sudden shock. 



         The hour passedslowly, and yet not slowly enough.  This was so new, I could 



have sat like this with her for days, just to experience the feeling fully. 



         I had a dozen different arguments with myself while the minutes passed, 



rationality struggling with desire as I tried to justify touching her. 



         Finally, Mr. Banner turned the lights on again. 



         In the bright fluorescent light, the atmosphere of the room returned to normal. 



Bella sighed and stretched, flexing her fingers in front of her.  It must have been 



uncomfortable for her to hold that position for so long.  It was easier for mestillness 



came naturally. 



         I chuckled at the relieved expression on her face.  Well, that was interesting. 



         Umm, she murmured, clearly understanding what I referred to, but making no 



comment.  What I wouldnt give to hear what she was thinking right now. 



         I sighed.  No amount of wishing was going to help with that. 



         Shall we? I asked, standing. 



         She made a face and got unsteadily to her feet, her hands splayed out as if she 



were afraid she was going to fall. 



         I could offer her my hand.      Or I could place that hand underneath her elbowjust 



lightlyand steady her.  Surely that wouldnt be such a horrible infraction 



         No mistakes. 



         She was very quiet as we walked toward the gym.  The crease was in evidence 



between her eyes, a sign that she was deep in thought.  I, too, was thinking deeply. 



         One touch of her skin wouldnt hurt her, my selfish side contended. 



         I could easily moderate the pressure of my hand.  It wasnt exactly difficult, as 



long as I was firmly in control of myself.  My tactile sense was better developed than a 



humans; I could juggle a dozen crystal goblets without breaking any of them; I could 



stroke a soap bubble without popping it.  As long as I was firmly in control 



         Bella was like a soap bubblefragile and ephemeral.             Temporary. 



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         How long would I be able to justify my presence in her life?  How much time did 



I have?  Would I have another chance like this chance, like this moment, like this second? 



She would not always be within my arms reach 



         Bella turned to face me at the gyms door, and her eyes widened at the expression 



on my face.  She didnt speak.  I looked at myself in the reflection of her eyes and saw 



the conflict raging in my own.  I watched my face change as my better side lost the 



argument. 



         My hand lifted without a conscious command for it to do so.  As gently as if she 



were made of the thinnest glass, as if she were fragile as a bubble, my fingers stroked the 



warm skin that covered her cheekbone.  It heated under my touch, and I could feel the 



pulse of blood speed beneath her transparent skin. 



         Enough, I ordered, though my hand was aching to shape itself to the side of her 



face.  Enough. 



         It was difficult to pull my hand back, to stop myself from moving closer to her 



than I already was.  A thousand different possibilities ran through my mind in an 



instanta thousand different ways to touch her.  The tip of my finger tracing the shape of 



her lips.  My palm cupping under her chin.  Pulling the clip from her hair and letting it 



spill out across my hand.  My arms winding around her waist, holding her against the 



length of my body. 



         Enough. 



         I forced myself to turn, to move away from her.  My body moved stiffly 



unwilling. 



         I let my mind linger behind to watch her as I walked swiftly away, almost running 



from the temptation.  I caught Mike Newtons thoughtsthey were the loudestwhile 



he watched Bella walk past him in oblivion, her eyes unfocused and her cheeks red.  He 



glowered and suddenly my name was mingled with curses in his head; I couldnt help 



grinning slightly in response. 



         My hand was tingling.  I flexed it and then curled it into a fist, but it continued to 



sting painlessly. 



         No, I hadnt hurt herbut touching her had still been a mistake. 



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         It felt like firelike the thirsting burn of my throat had spread throughout my 



entire body. 



         The next time I was close to her, would I be able to stop myself from touching her 



again?  And if I touched her once, would I be able to stop at that? 



         No more mistakes.  That was it.       Savor the memory, Edward, I told myself grimly, 



and keep your hands to yourself.  That, or I would have to force myself to 



leavesomehow.  Because I couldnt allow myself near her if I insisted on making 



errors. 



         I took a deep breath and tried to steady my thoughts. 



         Emmett caught up to me outside the English building. 



         Hey, Edward.  Hes looking better.  Weird, but better.  Happy. 



         Hey, Em.  Did I look happy?  I supposed, despite the chaos in my head, I felt 



that way. 



         Way to keep your mouth shut, kid.  Rosalie wants to rip your tongue out. 



         I sighed.  Sorry I left you to deal with that.  Are you angry with me? 



         Naw.  Rosell get over it.  It was bound to happen anyway.             With what Alice 



sees coming 



         Alices visions were not what I wanted to think about right now.  I stared forward, 



my teeth locking together. 



         As I searched for a distraction, I caught sight of Ben Cheney entering the Spanish 



room ahead of us.  Ahhere was my chance to give Angela Weber her gift. 



         I stopped walking and caught Emmetts arm.  Hold on a second. 



         Whats up? 



         I know I dont deserve it, but would you do me a favor anyway? 



         What is it? he asked, curious. 



         Under my breathand at a speed that would have made the words 



incomprehensible to a human no matter how loud theyd been spokenI explained to 



him what I wanted. 



         He stared at me blankly when I was done, his thoughts as blank as his face. 



         So? I prompted.  Will you help me do it? 



         It took him a minute to respond.  But, why? 



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         Cmon, Emmett.  Why not? 



         Who are you and what have you done with my brother? 



         Arent you the one who complains that school is always the same?  This is 



something a little different, isnt it?  Consider it an experimentan experiment in human 



nature. 



         He stared at me for another moment before he caved.  Well, it is different, Ill 



give you that  Okay, fine.  Emmett snorted and then shrugged.  Ill help you. 



         I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was on 



board.  Rosalie was a pain, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no one 



had a better brother than mine. 



         Emmett didnt need to practice.  I whispered his lines to him once under my 



breath as we walked into the classroom. 



         Ben was already in his seat behind mine, assembling his homework to hand in. 



Emmett and I both sat and did the same thing.  The classroom was not quiet yet; the 



murmur of subdued conversation would continue until Mrs. Goff called for attention. 



She was in no hurry, appraising the quizzes from the last class. 



         So, Emmett said, his voice louder than necessaryif he were really speaking 



only to me.  Did you ask Angela Weber out yet? 



         The sound of papers rustling behind me came to an abrupt stop as Ben froze, his 



attention suddenly riveted on our conversation. 



         Angela?  They re talking about Angela? 



         Good.  I had his interest. 



         No, I said, shaking my head slowly to appear regretful. 



         Why not? Emmett improvised.  Are you chicken? 



         I grimaced at him.  No.  I heard that she was interested in someone else. 



         Edward Cullen was going to ask Angela out?  But  No.  I dont like that. I dont 



want him near her.  Hesnot right for her.  Notsafe. 



         I hadnt anticipated the chivalry, the protective instinct.  Id been working for 



jealousy.  But whatever worked. 



         Youre going to let that stop you? Emmett asked scornfully, improvising again. 



Not up for the competition? 



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         I glared at him, but made used of what he gave me.  Look, I guess she really 



likes this Ben person.  Im not going to try to convince her otherwise.  There are other 



girls. 



         The reaction in the chair behind me was electric. 



         Who? Emmett asked, back to the script. 



         My lab partner said it was some kid named Cheney.  Im not sure I know who he 



is. 



         I bit back my smile.  Only the haughty Cullens could get away with pretending 



not to know every student at this tiny school. 



         Bens head was whirling with shock.  Me?  Over Edward Cullen?  But why would 



she like me? 



         Edward, Emmett muttered in a lower tone, rolling his eyes toward the boy. 



Hes right behind you, he mouthed, so obviously that the human could easily read the 



words. 



         Oh, I muttered back. 



         I turned in my seat and glanced once at the boy behind me.  For a second, the 



black eyes behind the glasses were frightened, but then he stiffened and squared his 



narrow shoulders, affronted by my clearly disparaging evaluation.  His chin shot out and 



an angry flush darkened his golden-brown skin. 



         Huh, I said arrogantly as I turned back to Emmett. 



         He thinks hes better than me.  But Angela doesnt.  Ill show him 



         Perfect. 



         Didnt you say she was taking Yorkie to the dance, though? Emmett asked, 



snorting as he said the name of the boy that many scorned for his awkwardness. 



         That was a group decision apparently.  I wanted to be sure that Ben was clear 



on this.  Angelas shy.  If Bwell, if a guy doesnt have the nerve to ask her out, shed 



never ask him. 



         You like shy girls, Emmett said, back to improvisation.           Quiet girls.  Girls 



likehmm, I dont know.  Maybe Bella Swan? 



         I grinned at him.  Exactly.  Then I returned to the performance.  Maybe Angela 



will get tired of waiting.  Maybe Ill ask her to the prom. 



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         No, you wont, Ben thought, straightening up in his chair.          So what if shes so 



much taller than me?  If she doesnt care, then neither do I.  Shes the nicest, smartest, 



prettiest girl in this school and she wants me. 



         I liked this Ben.  He seemed bright and well-meaning.  Maybe even worthy of a 



girl like Angela. 



         I gave Emmett a thumbs up under the desk as Mrs. Goff stood and greeted the 



class. 



         Okay, Ill admit itthat was sort of fun, Emmett thought. 



         I smiled to myself, pleased that Id been able to shape one love storys happy 



ending.  I was positive that Ben would follow through, and Angela would receive my 



anonymous gift.  My debt was repaid. 



         How silly humans were, to let a six inch height differential confound their 



happiness. 



         My success put me in a good mood.  I smiled again as I settled into my chair and 



prepared to be entertained.  After all, as Bella had pointed out at lunch, Id never seen her 



in action in her gym class before. 



         Mikes thoughts were the easiest to pinpoint in the babble of voices that swarmed 



through the gym.  His mind had gotten far too familiar over the last few weeks.  With a 



sigh, I resigned myself to listening through him.  At least I could be sure that he would be 



paying attention to Bella. 



         I was just in time to hear him offer to be her badminton partner; as he made the 



suggestion, other partnerings ran through his mind.  My smile faded, my teeth clenched 



together, and I had to remind myself that murdering Mike Newton was not a permissible 



option. 



          Thanks, Mikeyou dont have to do this, you know. 



          Dont worry, Ill keep out of your way. 



         They grinned at each other, and flashes of numerous accidentsalways in some 



way connected to Bellaflashed through Mikes head. 



         Mike played alone at first, while Bella hesitated on the back half of the court, 



holding her racket gingerly, as if it was some kind of weapon.  Then Coach Clapp ambled 



by and ordered Mike to let Bella play. 



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         Uh oh, Mike thought as Bella moved forward with a sigh, holding her racquet at 



an awkward angle. 



         Jennifer Ford served the birdie directly toward Bella with a smug twist to her 



thoughts.  Mike saw Bella lurch toward it, swinging the racket yards wide of her target, 



and he rushed in to try to save the volley. 



         I watched the trajectory of Bellas racquet with alarm.  Sure enough, it hit the taut 



net and sprung back at her, clipping her forehead before it spun out to strike Mikes arm 



with a resounding thwack. 



         Ow.  Ow.  Ungh.  Thats going to leave a bruise. 



         Bella was kneading her forehead.  It was hard to stay in my seat where I belonged, 



knowing she was hurt.  But what could I do, if I were there?  And it didnt seem to be 



serious  I hesitated, watching.  If she intended to continue to try to play, I was going to 



have to manufacture an excuse to pull her out of class. 



         The coach laughed.       Sorry, Newton. That girls the worst jinx Ive ever seen. 



Shouldnt inflict her on the others 



         He turned his back deliberately and moved to watch another game so that Bella 



could return to her former spectators role. 



         Ow, Mike thought again, massaging his arm.  He turned to Bella.               Are you 



okay? 



         Yeah, are you? she asked sheepishly, blushing. 



         I think Ill make it.  Dont want to sound like a crybaby.  But, man, that hurts! 



         Mike swung his arm in a circle, wincing. 



         Ill just stay back here,Bella said, embarrassment and chagrin on her face 



rather than pain.  Maybe Mike had got the worst of it.  I certainly hoped that was the case. 



At least she wasnt playing anymore.  She held her racquet so carefully behind her back, 



her eyes wide with remorse  I had to disguise my laugh as coughing. 



         Whats funny? Emmett wanted to know. 



         Tell you later, I muttered. 



         Bella didnt venture into the game again.  The coach ignored her and let Mike 



play alone. 



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         I breezed through the quiz at the end of the hour, and Mrs. Goff let me go early.  I 



was listening intently to Mike as I walked across the campus.  Hed decided to confront 



Bella about me. 



         Jessica swears theyre dating.  Why?  Why did he have to pick her? 



         He didnt recognize the real phenomenonthat shed picked me. 



         So. 



         So what? she wondered. 



         You and Cullen, huh?  You and the freak. I guess, if a rich guy is that 



important to you... 



         I gritted my teeth at his degrading assumption. 



         Thats none of your business, Mike. 



         Defensive.  So its true.  Crap.  I dont like it. 



         You dont have to,she snapped. 



         Why cant she see what a circus sideshow he is?  Like they all are.  The way he 



stares at her.  It gives me chills to watch.  He looks at you likelike youre something to 



eat. 



         I cringed, waiting for her response. 



         Her face turned bright red, and her lips pressed together like she was holding her 



breath.  Then, suddenly, a giggle burst through her lips. 



         Now shes laughing at me.  Great. 



         Mike turned, thoughts sullen, and wandered off to change. 



         I leaned against the gym wall and tried to compose myself. 



         How could she have laughed at Mikes accusationso entirely on target that I 



began to worry that Forks was becoming too aware  Why would she laugh at the 



suggestion that I could kill her, when she knew that it was entirely true?  Where was the 



humor in that? 



         What was wrong with her? 



         Did she have morbid sense of humor?  That didnt fit with my idea of her 



character, but how could I be sure?  Or maybe my daydream of the giddy angel was true 



in the one respect, in that she had no sense of fear at all.  Bravethat was one word for 



it.  Others might say stupid, but I knew how bright she was.  No matter what the reason, 



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though, this lack of fear or twisted sense of humor wasnt good for her.  Was it this 



strange lack that put her in danger so constantly?  Maybe she would always need me 



here 



         Just like that, my mood was soaring. 



         If I could just discipline myself, make myself safe, then perhaps it would be right 



for me to stay with her. 



         When she walked through the gym doors, her shoulders were stiff and her lower 



lip was between her teeth againa sign of anxiety.  But as soon as her eyes met mine, 



her rigid shoulders relaxed and a wide smile spread across her face.  It was an oddly 



peaceful expression.  She walked right to my side without hesitation, only stopping when 



she was so close that her body heat crashed over me like a tidal wave. 



         Hi, she whispered. 



         The happiness I felt in this moment was, again, without precedent. 



         Hello, I said, and thenbecause with my mood suddenly so light I couldnt 



resist teasing herI added, How was gym? 



         Her smile wavered.  Fine. 



         She was a poor liar. 



         Really? I asked, about to press the issueI was still concerned about her head; 



was she in pain?but then Mike Newtons thoughts we so loud they broke my 



concentration. 



         I hate him.  I wish he would die.  I hope he drives that shiny car right off a cliff. 



Why couldnt he just leave her alone?  Stick to his own kindto the freaks. 



         What? Bella demanded. 



         My eyes refocused on her face.  She looked at Mikes retreating back, and then at 



me again. 



         Newtons getting on my nerves, I admitted. 



         Her mouth fell open, and her smile disappeared.  She must have forgotten that Id 



had the power to watch through her calamitous last hour, or hoped that I hadnt utilized it. 



You werent listening again? 



         Hows your head? 



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         Youre unbelievable! she said through her teeth, and then she turned away from 



me and stalked furiously toward the parking lot.  Her skin flushed dark redshe was 



embarrassed. 



         I kept pace with her, hoping that her anger would pass soon.  She was usually 



quick to forgive me. 



         You were the one who mentioned how Id never seen you in Gym, I explained. 



It made me curious. 



         She didnt answer; her eyebrows pulled together. 



         She came to a sudden halt in the parking lot when she realized that the way to my 



car was blocked by a crowd of male students. 



         I wonder how fast theyve gone in this thing 



         Look at the SMG shift paddles.  Ive never seen those outside of a magazine 



         Nice side grills 



         Sure wish I had sixty thousand dollars laying around 



         This was exactly why it was better for Rosalie to only use her car out of town. 



         I wound through the throng of lustful boys to my car; after a second of hesitation, 



Bella followed suit. 



         Ostentatious, I muttered as she climbed in. 



         What kind of car is that? she wondered. 



         An M3. 



         She frowned.  I dont speak Car and Driver. 



         Its a BMW.  I rolled my eyes and then focused on backing out without running 



anyone down.  I had to lock eyes with a few boys that didnt seem willing to move out of 



my way.  A half-second meeting my gaze seemed to be enough to convince them. 



          Are you still angry? I asked her.  Her frown had relaxed. 



         Definitely, she answered curtly. 



         I sighed.  Maybe I shouldnt have brought it up.  Oh well.  I could try to make 



amends, I supposed.  Will you forgive me if I apologize? 



         She thought about that for a moment.  Maybeif you mean it, she decided. 



And if you promise not to do it again. 



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         I wasnt going to lie to her, and there was no way I was agreeing to that.  Perhaps 



if I offered her a different exchange. 



         How about if I mean it, and I agree to let you drive this Saturday?            I cringed 



internally at the thought. 



         The furrow popped into existence between her eyes as she considered the new 



bargain.  Deal, she said after a moment of thought. 



         Now for my apology  Id never tried to dazzle Bella on purpose before, but 



now seemed like a good time.  I stared deep into her eyes as I drove away from the 



school, wondering if I was doing it right.  I used my most persuasive tone. 



         Then Im very sorry I upset you. 



         Her heartbeat thudded louder than before, and the rhythm was abruptly staccato. 



Her eyes widened, looking a little stunned. 



         I half-smiled.  It seemed like Id gotten it right.  Of course, I was having a bit of 



difficulty looking away from her eyes, too.  Equally dazzled.  It was a good thing I had 



this road memorized. 



         And Ill be on your doorstep bright and early Saturday morning, I added, 



finishing the agreement. 



         She blinked swiftly, shaking her head as if to clear it.  Um, she said, it doesnt 



help with the Charlie situation if an unexplained Volvo is left in the driveway. 



         Ah, how little she still knew me.  I wasnt intending to bring a car. 



         How she started to ask. 



         I interrupted her.  The answer would be hard to explain without a demonstration, 



and now was hardly the time.  Dont worry about it.  Ill be there, no car. 



         She put her head on one side, and looked for a second like she was going to press 



for more, but then she seemed to change her mind. 



         Is it later yet? she asked, reminding me of our unfinished conversation in the 



cafeteria today; shed let go of one difficult question just to return another that was more 



unappealing. 



         I suppose it is later, I agreed unwillingly. 



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262 



         I parked in front of her house, tensing as I tried to think of how to 



explainwithout making my monstrous nature too evident, without frightening her 



again.  Or was that wrong?  To minimalize my darkness? 



         She waited with the same politely interested mask shed worn at lunch.  If Id 



been less anxious, her preposterous calm would have made me laugh. 



         And you still want to know why you cant see me hunt? I asked. 



         Well, mostly I was wondering about your reaction, she said. 



         Did I frighten you? I asked, positive that she would deny it. 



         No. 



         I tried not to smile, and failed.  I apologize for scaring you.  And then my smile 



vanished with the momentary humor.  It was just the very thought of you being 



therewhile we hunted. 



         That would be bad? 



         The mental picture was too muchBella, so vulnerable in the empty darkness; 



myself, out of control  I tried to banish it from my head.  Extremely. 



         Because? 



         I took a deep breath, concentrating for one moment on the burning thirst.  Feeling 



it, managing it, proving my dominion over it.  It would never control me againI willed 



that to be true.  I would be safe for her.  I stared at the welcome clouds without seeing 



them, wishing I could believe that my determination would make any difference if I were 



hunting when I crossed her scent. 



         When we huntwe give ourselves over to our senses, I told her, thinking 



through each word before I spoke it.  Govern less with our minds.  Especially our sense 



of smell.  If you were anywhere near me when I lost control that way 



         I shook my head in agony at the thought of what wouldnot what could, but 



what wouldsurely happen then. 



         I listened to the spike in her heartbeat, and then turned, restless, to read her eyes. 



         Bellas face was composed, her eyes grave.  Her mouth was pursed just slightly in 



what I guessed was concern.  But concern for what?  Her own safety?  Or my anguish?                  I 



continued to stare at her, trying to translate her ambiguous expression into sure fact. 



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         She gazed back.  Her eyes grew wider after a moment, and her pupils dilated, 



though the light had not changed. 



         My breathing accelerated, and suddenly the quiet in the car seemed to be 



humming, just like in the darkened biology room this afternoon.  The pulsing current 



raced between us again, and my desire to touch her was, briefly, stronger even than the 



demands of my thirst. 



         The throbbing electricity made it feel like I had a pulse again.  My body sang with 



it.  Like I was human.  More than anything in the world, I wanted to feel the heat of her 



lips against mine.  For one second, I struggled desperately to find the strength, the 



control, to able to put my mouth so close to her skin 



         She sucked in a ragged breath, and only then did I realize that when I had started 



breathing faster, she had stopped breathing altogether. 



         I closed my eyes, trying to break the connection between us. 



         No more mistakes. 



         Bellas existence was tied to a thousand delicately balanced chemical processes, 



all so easily disrupted.  The rhythmic expansion of her lungs, the flow of oxygen, was life 



or death to her.  The fluttering cadence of her fragile heart could be stopped by so many 



stupid accidents or illnesses orby me. 



         I did not believe that any member of my family would hesitate if he or she were 



offered a chance backif he or she could trade immortality for mortality again.  Any one 



of us would stand in fire for it.  Burn for as many days or centuries as were necessary. 



         Most of our kind prized immortality above anything else.  There were even 



humans who craved this, who searched in dark places for those who could give them the 



blackest of gifts 



         Not us.  Not my family.  We would trade anything to be human. 



         But none of us had ever been as desperate for a way back as I was now. 



         I stared at the microscopic pits and flaws in the windshield, like there was some 



solution hidden in the glass.  The electricity had not faded, and I had to concentrate to 



keep my hands on the wheel. 



         My right hand began to sting without pain again, from when Id touched her 



before. 



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         Bella, I think you should go inside now. 



         She obeyed at once, without comment, getting out of the car and shutting the door 



behind herself.  Did she feel the potential for disaster as clearly as I did? 



         Did it hurt her to leave, as it hurt me to let her go?  The only solace was that I 



would see her soon.  Sooner than she would see me.  I smiled at that, then rolled the 



window down and leaned across to speak to her one more timeit was safer now, with 



the heat of her body outside the car. 



         She turned to see what I wanted, curious. 



         Still curious, though shed asked me so many questions today.  My own curiosity 



was entirely unsatisfied; answering her questions today had only revealed my secrets 



Id gotten little from her but my own conjectures.  That wasnt fair. 



         Oh, Bella? 



         Yes? 



         Tomorrow its my turn. 



         Her forehead puckered.  Your turn to what? 



         Ask the questions.  Tomorrow, when we were in a safer place, surrounded by 



witnesses, I would get my own answers.  I grinned at the thought, and then I turned away 



because she made no move to leave.  Even with her outside of the car, the echo of the 



electricity zinged in the air.  I wanted to get out, too, to walk her to her door as an excuse 



to stay beside her 



         No more mistakes.  I hit the gas, and then sighed as she disappeared behind me.  It 



seemed like I was always running toward Bella or running away from her, never staying 



in place.  I would have to find some way to hold my ground if we were ever going to 



have any peace. 



(C) 2008 Stephenie Meyer 

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